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How often to call SS?

Posted by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:27 PM
  • 19 Replies

One of the posts got me thinking.

SS is going to visit BM for 3 weeks in March. In the past BM made SS lie to DH and me on the phone about something SS was doing. Since then we have limited our phone contact with SS while he is with BM because we do not want to put him in the situation that he has to lie to us. BM also tells him to keep secrets, so she (BM) does not get into trouble and can still see him (her words).

Also, SS only plays video games at BM house all day long, so there is really not anything to talk about.

DH and I are not sure about how often to call SS. 

Any suggestions?



by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:29 PM
How old is he? Does he have the ability to call you guys as he sees fit - meaning will BM allow it if he initiates the call?
runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:49 PM
What is going on over there that she's having him lie?? Just video games? Sounds like you guys already know about it?

Does SS have his own phone? Would he call on his own if he was able?
whatIknownow
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:58 PM

what would mom "get in trouble" for?

stepdiva
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 9:20 PM
I think you should call whenever you wsnt to call.
CSM07
by Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 11:11 PM

SS is almost 11. He would call and BM would probably allow him to call if he wants to, but it seems that SS will not ask not to hurt her feelings.

BM told SS that she would "get in trouble" and "not be able to see him anymore" if he told his dad that she lets him play M-rated video games. BM knows that dad does not approve of these. Of course, this has nothing to do with BM not being able to see her son, but that's what she told him (according to SS's words).

I don't know if she really believes this or if it's just another thing she uses to control him.

wbattistel2007
by on Feb. 28, 2015 at 12:34 AM
1 mom liked this
Are your intentions to call and say hello or to critique how his own mother chooses to raise him? My answer depends on that.
brieri
by on Feb. 28, 2015 at 1:32 AM
1 mom liked this

 Call him everyday if you want, just don't think they will be home to hear the phone ring.  I don't understand the reasoning for you or bd to be calling him while he is visiting his mom, if you have custody of him. So what if mom is allowing child to play video games or doing other things, it's her responsibility and it's her time with him, just as wat you do at your house, he's on his time with you and BD.  Let it go.  

It's stupid Bio-parents don't understand they are divorced for a reason.  It's not the child''s fault, but children are being used as pawns  or being put in the middle.    My own children BTDT. They got hurt along the way, BIG TIME!

He's  lieing to you, because he doesn't feel comfortable telling you what he's  doing  at mom's house and that is true for many children.  They don't have to tell the parent they live with what they are doing at mom's or should I state NCP and it goeis vice versa.

 

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 28, 2015 at 7:36 AM

He doesnt' feel comfortable telling them what he is doing because they are very judgy and critical of his mother. So he lies to protect his mother from their criticism. He wants to be free to enjoy his time with his mother.


Quoting brieri:

He's  lieing to you, because he doesn't feel comfortable telling you what he's  doing  at mom's house


whatIknownow
by on Feb. 28, 2015 at 7:38 AM

Is this true? Would Dad withhold visits if he knew that mom was letting him play these video games?

Has Dad threatened to withhold visits before, if she does not do things his way?

Quoting CSM07:

SS is almost 11. He would call and BM would probably allow him to call if he wants to, but it seems that SS will not ask not to hurt her feelings.

BM told SS that she would "get in trouble" and "not be able to see him anymore" if he told his dad that she lets him play M-rated video games. BM knows that dad does not approve of these. Of course, this has nothing to do with BM not being able to see her son, but that's what she told him (according to SS's words).

I don't know if she really believes this or if it's just another thing she uses to control him.


whatIknownow
by on Feb. 28, 2015 at 7:43 AM
1 mom liked this

My only suggestion is, to do exactly what you are doing, which is, limit your phone calls. Call once a week maybe. Don't ask him what he is doing. Talk about a TV show you both like, or something like that.

I know it is very hard to keep the critical tone out of your conversation. I think my stepkids' mother is a pretty lousy mother and I can't talk about her at all, or else my attitude comes through. Even if I try to control it, it still comes though. So I make a deliberate effort not to talk about her at all.  This is one of those cases where "less is more." Less opportunity to judge, is better ultimately for your relationship with SS.

Quoting CSM07:
Since then we have limited our phone contact with SS while he is with BM because we do not want to put him in the situation that he has to lie to us.



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