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And this is why...

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:27 AM
  • 36 Replies
6 moms liked this

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1. SKs call me by my name not mom, mom is mom, the only mom
2. DH gets on the phone and SMs the kid straight when they are giving BM shit. It is hard to keep a relationship 4 days a month, yes the kids struggle with respect, it doesn't mean they get away with it.
3. I don't care if BM is shitty and even if in my opinion she doesn't deserve respect. The kids STILL have to be taught to be in control of how THEY react...what happens when they don't respect a boss later and have been taught it's ok to show your ass just because you don't respect them. This lesson sets them up for failure in life.
4. This is why despite they difficult relationships they still are made to go see her. In the eyes of the law, she does not abuse them...they are kids and do not make decisions over the parents...never as minors.

I'm a childless CSM, I honestly raise my SKs, full on...for all intents I am "mom" for one reason...she calls early when she's overwhelmed and returns them for "relief". As a SM in my situation I can't even do that...send them back to her...she wouldn't answer her phone...so seeing myself as mom has NOTHING to do with the tasks I do...I have te accountability of a mom...I am ALWAYS the back-up, go-to, count-on authority person next to DH...but STILL, BM birthed them, no matter what I do as a SM, the kids love it, but moreso they love that I do it joyfully as a SM and just let them deal themselves with BM. And I push them to still respect her, if they donmt I can't demand they respect any adult...if opens the door for them to disrespect any adult, just because they feel like it. I command respect for my place and what I do. I also do demand respect for BM for her place.
by on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:36 AM
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Yep. I don't think the "call me mom" SM's think ahead. If you make it easy for the skids to disrespect BM, or to pick and choose whether BM is considered worthy of parental status, they are setting themselves up for the same treatment down the road.

It's going to be much easier for the skids to turn on SM later, when they don't like SM telling them what to do, to tell her "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mom". And what is SM supposed to say to that, when that type of disrespect was acceptable towards BM.
FrankieR
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:43 AM

I try to do the same. 

I'm also CSM and BM has minimal supervised which she never comes to. Also has phone calls. 

Im in a rock and a hard place with MSD BC BM screams and cusses at her the demands respect from her. SDs counselor advised to just have SD hang up when BM starts going crazy on her. SD started yelling back at BM. I have tried to tell her that it isn't polite or respectful but with this situation, I question myself BC it's like she sometimes sees it as an outlet? 

If SD does get out of line first I always redirect her. 

chanizen
by on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:46 AM
Great points.

My ss has RAD. He struggles with respect and love for all people but especially his adoptive parents (bm and dh)

I have seen first hand what a destructive thing it is when a child struggles with trusting parents, loving parents and resepcting parents.

While I don't always agree with bm (or dh for that matter) but I support them as parents
oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:49 AM
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My SDs communication can really deteriorate with BM, they've gotten physical, for sure scream and yell, SD throws her phone...
I always tell SD "Stop, don't go down the rabbit hole, be YOURSELF, be who you choose to be." And she will usually stop and tell her mom "I am not doing this, we will talk later." And hang up...I think a better choice than continued screaming and berating on BOTH ends. I can't change BM, I can teach SD to love herself, react peacefully, positively and feel self respect and love herself that she "didn't go there" with her mom. She does communicate later when things have calmed...
Then to ease SD frustration I let her vent, we take walks, whatever it takes for her to get it out...

Quoting FrankieR:

I try to do the same. 

I'm also CSM and BM has minimal supervised which she never comes to. Also has phone calls. 

Im in a rock and a hard place with MSD BC BM screams and cusses at her the demands respect from her. SDs counselor advised to just have SD hang up when BM starts going crazy on her. SD started yelling back at BM. I have tried to tell her that it isn't polite or respectful but with this situation, I question myself BC it's like she sometimes sees it as an outlet? 

If SD does get out of line first I always redirect her. 

whatIknownow
by on Mar. 15, 2015 at 10:25 AM

I agree with the meme.

I also believe SMs do themselves a disservice when they allow or encourage their stepchildren to disrespect their mother.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 10:40 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't generally think calling someone other than one's parent 'Mom' is disrespectful, in the cases I have known the now adult children are respectful adults to both their parents and the other persons, not always stepparents.

There is also a difference between treating someone respectfully and actually respecting someone, do your stepchildren know the difference?

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 11:45 AM
YA well. Ss14 does respect everyone else and his dad does check him when he disrespects his piece of shit mom.
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 4:19 PM
1 mom liked this

We have been working very hard on teaching the stepkids how to respectfully communicate their needs to BM.  They need to stick up for themselves, but they can't be disrespectful about it.

Quoting oldproatthis: My SDs communication can really deteriorate with BM, they've gotten physical, for sure scream and yell, SD throws her phone... I always tell SD "Stop, don't go down the rabbit hole, be YOURSELF, be who you choose to be." And she will usually stop and tell her mom "I am not doing this, we will talk later." And hang up...I think a better choice than continued screaming and berating on BOTH ends. I can't change BM, I can teach SD to love herself, react peacefully, positively and feel self respect and love herself that she "didn't go there" with her mom. She does communicate later when things have calmed... Then to ease SD frustration I let her vent, we take walks, whatever it takes for her to get it out...
Quoting FrankieR:

I try to do the same. 

I'm also CSM and BM has minimal supervised which she never comes to. Also has phone calls. 

Im in a rock and a hard place with MSD BC BM screams and cusses at her the demands respect from her. SDs counselor advised to just have SD hang up when BM starts going crazy on her. SD started yelling back at BM. I have tried to tell her that it isn't polite or respectful but with this situation, I question myself BC it's like she sometimes sees it as an outlet? 

If SD does get out of line first I always redirect her. 


sara82lee
by Bronze Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 5:13 PM
Very wise person, Billy Graham.

I wonder if he would interpret his own words in all the same ways you have.
CaptNumo9
by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 4:56 PM

I think you are wise. Respect is so important for kids to learn. I am convinced that they learn it better when it is emulated rather than demanded. I think you are doing a great job. This set of articles talks about the relationships of step parents. Keep up the good work! #notautomatic-

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