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Trouble with SS

Posted by on May. 7, 2015 at 7:07 PM
  • 187 Replies
i have been on this site before and found a lot of the moms on here miserable and rude. I am looking for GOOD advice and not to be made into a shitty person which in no way I am. I have been living with my fiance for 5 years(not married because of money issues.. He's the girl and wants a big wedding!) I have my 9 year old step son full time, and I am the sole caregiver if you will, because I work early shifts and fiance works later shifts. I spend all of my time with SS and revolve my life around him which I don't mind at all. I help him with his homework, I treat his cuts and scrapes, I love him like a mom would their own child, and BM gets him on the weekends and spoils him. So he is starry eyed about her when she doesn't even want him anymore. I know he's a kid and needs his real mom(which I wish he had) but he loves to remind me all of the time that he wished that she lived here too, that he doesn't need two moms.. And so on. List is endless and every day I am constantly reminded by him that his mom is better and so on. It's extremely difficult for me because I love him. I don't expect anything from him but I pour all of my effort and love into him and get nothing in return except hurt feelings(I always keep my cool and never say a bad thing about his BM) I know there are other women going through the same thing. Guess I just want to feel a little better and hear your stories as well. But when he brings home a bunch of Mother's Day things from school just for BM, it makes me wonder why I care so much, but then again.. He's a kid and I understand. Agh!
by on May. 7, 2015 at 7:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AKMomma79
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2015 at 7:17 PM
1 mom liked this

You don't say, but do you have children of your own? What would DF do if you weren't there to do all the heavy lifting during his working hours? How long has DF had primary custody?

There's nothing wrong with SS making Mother's Day things at school for his mom, that's what she is, HIS MOM. Of course she's going to do no wrong in his eyes, you can't change that & I'm sure some of the things that he's said are probably things that he's heard her say, but again it's not something you can change.

He's probably got an idea of what he wants her to be so he's idolizing her (nothing wrong with a child idolizing their BM) in hopes that she'll be what he wants or NEEDS her to be.

 

soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2015 at 7:27 PM
4 moms liked this

If doing all those things and not getting the "mom" feelings from him makes you resentful or hurt stop doing them. The other option is change your perspective. He has a mom his boundry is that no matter how much you do that doesn't make you his mom you are just his awesome stepmom and accept that role.

camillefortay
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 7:34 PM
I appreciate this comment so much. I have no kids of my own. The three of us are young parents.. I became a stepmom at 21. I'm 26 now and we've had my SS for 6 months. As much as I love having him full time(because BM didn't pay any attention to him and showed him no love.. She admitted that to us) I wish she was better for him. She's not a drug addict, she's not broke, she just doesn't want him. And he's a very wonderful and charismatic kid, especially for his age. She has been wanting us to have him full time for years but we couldn't financially without child support from her until recently. I feel like every child needs their mother but he doesn't get to have her. And when she picks him up on the weekends she fills him up with candy and McDonald's (he has add and that isn't good for him) and then drops him off at her parents for the weekend and then picks him up on Sunday and takes him out to a movie and fills him up with more candy and we can't afford that. He gets what he wants with her and it has nothing to do with actual love from her side. I do everything and every day I have to explain to him things about her that aren't true. I'd never want him to hear what we have to say about her, ever. But the fact that she gets all of the mom credit when I do everything makes my butt hurt pretty bad.
fedupmama
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2015 at 7:41 PM
What kind if things are you explaining that aren't true? Can you give examples?

Quoting camillefortay: I appreciate this comment so much. I have no kids of my own. The three of us are young parents.. I became a stepmom at 21. I'm 26 now and we've had my SS for 6 months. As much as I love having him full time(because BM didn't pay any attention to him and showed him no love.. She admitted that to us) I wish she was better for him. She's not a drug addict, she's not broke, she just doesn't want him. And he's a very wonderful and charismatic kid, especially for his age. She has been wanting us to have him full time for years but we couldn't financially without child support from her until recently. I feel like every child needs their mother but he doesn't get to have her. And when she picks him up on the weekends she fills him up with candy and McDonald's (he has add and that isn't good for him) and then drops him off at her parents for the weekend and then picks him up on Sunday and takes him out to a movie and fills him up with more candy and we can't afford that. He gets what he wants with her and it has nothing to do with actual love from her side. I do everything and every day I have to explain to him things about her that aren't true. I'd never want him to hear what we have to say about her, ever. But the fact that she gets all of the mom credit when I do everything makes my butt hurt pretty bad.
camillefortay
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 7:49 PM
I have to tell him constantly that she's going through a rough time and she loves him and wants to have him more than anything. Many things like that. I've heard so many stories and so many crazy things and even crack heads and people who can barely take care of their children still fight to the death to keep their children.
soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2015 at 7:54 PM
1 mom liked this

She gets the mom credit because she is mom nothing she does and nothing you do will change that. Stop wishing things were different and move on to acceptance. You are a SM you can be a great SM that is independent of his relationship with his mom. Be the SM you want to be and don't expect to be get the mom "credit" because you aren't her and that is just the facts. When you get to this place of acceptance you will be much happier and won't get hurt over something you cannot be.

Quoting camillefortay: I appreciate this comment so much. I have no kids of my own. The three of us are young parents.. I became a stepmom at 21. I'm 26 now and we've had my SS for 6 months. As much as I love having him full time(because BM didn't pay any attention to him and showed him no love.. She admitted that to us) I wish she was better for him. She's not a drug addict, she's not broke, she just doesn't want him. And he's a very wonderful and charismatic kid, especially for his age. She has been wanting us to have him full time for years but we couldn't financially without child support from her until recently. I feel like every child needs their mother but he doesn't get to have her. And when she picks him up on the weekends she fills him up with candy and McDonald's (he has add and that isn't good for him) and then drops him off at her parents for the weekend and then picks him up on Sunday and takes him out to a movie and fills him up with more candy and we can't afford that. He gets what he wants with her and it has nothing to do with actual love from her side. I do everything and every day I have to explain to him things about her that aren't true. I'd never want him to hear what we have to say about her, ever. But the fact that she gets all of the mom credit when I do everything makes my butt hurt pretty bad.


***Briterican***


camillefortay
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 8:04 PM
I totally get what you're saying and understand it. I know I'll never be his actual mom, physically impossible! But "credit" that I'm talking about goes to the woman who teaches to tie shoe laces, teaches to ride bikes, makes lunches, band aids, gives advice about bullies, revolves life around and so on. She doesn't do any of that, even when she had him full time. So although I know I'll never get the mom love, I'll never stop doing mom things because he needs at least one mother figure in his life that actually cares.

Quoting soonergirl980:

She gets the mom credit because she is mom nothing she does and nothing you do will change that. Stop wishing things were different and move on to acceptance. You are a SM you can be a great SM that is independent of his relationship with his mom. Be the SM you want to be and don't expect to be get the mom "credit" because you aren't her and that is just the facts. When you get to this place of acceptance you will be much happier and won't get hurt over something you cannot be.

Quoting camillefortay: I appreciate this comment so much. I have no kids of my own. The three of us are young parents.. I became a stepmom at 21. I'm 26 now and we've had my SS for 6 months. As much as I love having him full time(because BM didn't pay any attention to him and showed him no love.. She admitted that to us) I wish she was better for him. She's not a drug addict, she's not broke, she just doesn't want him. And he's a very wonderful and charismatic kid, especially for his age. She has been wanting us to have him full time for years but we couldn't financially without child support from her until recently. I feel like every child needs their mother but he doesn't get to have her. And when she picks him up on the weekends she fills him up with candy and McDonald's (he has add and that isn't good for him) and then drops him off at her parents for the weekend and then picks him up on Sunday and takes him out to a movie and fills him up with more candy and we can't afford that. He gets what he wants with her and it has nothing to do with actual love from her side. I do everything and every day I have to explain to him things about her that aren't true. I'd never want him to hear what we have to say about her, ever. But the fact that she gets all of the mom credit when I do everything makes my butt hurt pretty bad.

AKMomma79
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2015 at 8:05 PM
3 moms liked this

Really all you need to do is be honest and tell him that his mom loves him and misses him. The explanation doesn't really need to go any further than that. If he's asking specific questions, direct him to your DH or he can ask BM's parents when he sees them. 

For quite some time BM had very little to do with SO's kids, I'm talking maybe 1-2 hours a week IF that. At the time SO's daughter was 4 and called her mother a liar to SO and I. We heard her out and when she was done we simply said that while she may feel that way about her mom WE know that her mommy loves her and misses her. From there the convo was done. We've had to tell them a lot over the first couple years that mommy loved them and missed them. Thankfully the last year has been better, but still kind of rocky if she's not getting things her way. 

Regardless of how you and DH feel, ill speak of SS's BM should never happen if he's in the home with you, kids are sneaky and will eavesdrop even when you think they are playing and you are having a private conversation behind closed doors. Be very careful with that. 

He's going to idolize his mother, he's still very young and wants her and NEEDS her to be what he's imagining and while he's going to be let down (UNLESS BM turns around drastically) that's a lesson that you may not be able to prevent. From what you've said she's not a drug addict or alcoholic, she's just very selfish, you're all young, she can and will likely grow out of it and do right by her son. 

As for feeling left out on Mother's Day with stuff he's made at school, that's something you're going to just have to let go and move past because she is his mother and there's no changing that.  

Quoting camillefortay: I have to tell him constantly that she's going through a rough time and she loves him and wants to have him more than anything. Many things like that. I've heard so many stories and so many crazy things and even crack heads and people who can barely take care of their children still fight to the death to keep their children.

 

soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2015 at 8:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Doing those things is fine and you should continue to do them if that makes you happy. If you do them and expect credit or start to resent your role change it. I know what credit you are talking about and it's not going to come in the way you are asking here because no matter how much credit you may deserve it doesn't change things for him. He has a mother figure in his life...his mom. You may think she is not the greatest mom heck you may think she is the worst, but for better or worse his mother figure is his mom. You doing "things" doesn't make you a mom or a mother figure it just makes you the lady doing those things. Again the sooner you accept that the better.

Quoting camillefortay: I totally get what you're saying and understand it. I know I'll never be his actual mom, physically impossible! But "credit" that I'm talking about goes to the woman who teaches to tie shoe laces, teaches to ride bikes, makes lunches, band aids, gives advice about bullies, revolves life around and so on. She doesn't do any of that, even when she had him full time. So although I know I'll never get the mom love, I'll never stop doing mom things because he needs at least one mother figure in his life that actually cares.
Quoting soonergirl980:

She gets the mom credit because she is mom nothing she does and nothing you do will change that. Stop wishing things were different and move on to acceptance. You are a SM you can be a great SM that is independent of his relationship with his mom. Be the SM you want to be and don't expect to be get the mom "credit" because you aren't her and that is just the facts. When you get to this place of acceptance you will be much happier and won't get hurt over something you cannot be.

Quoting camillefortay: I appreciate this comment so much. I have no kids of my own. The three of us are young parents.. I became a stepmom at 21. I'm 26 now and we've had my SS for 6 months. As much as I love having him full time(because BM didn't pay any attention to him and showed him no love.. She admitted that to us) I wish she was better for him. She's not a drug addict, she's not broke, she just doesn't want him. And he's a very wonderful and charismatic kid, especially for his age. She has been wanting us to have him full time for years but we couldn't financially without child support from her until recently. I feel like every child needs their mother but he doesn't get to have her. And when she picks him up on the weekends she fills him up with candy and McDonald's (he has add and that isn't good for him) and then drops him off at her parents for the weekend and then picks him up on Sunday and takes him out to a movie and fills him up with more candy and we can't afford that. He gets what he wants with her and it has nothing to do with actual love from her side. I do everything and every day I have to explain to him things about her that aren't true. I'd never want him to hear what we have to say about her, ever. But the fact that she gets all of the mom credit when I do everything makes my butt hurt pretty bad.


***Briterican***


camillefortay
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 8:15 PM
1 mom liked this
I get what you're trying to say but when dads are out of the picture for the most part and moms marry another man and takes the role of the father, they're considered the actual parent. But when a women does the same thing it'll never be so. I'd never force any belief on him but even I have considered my step dad my actual father because he was there and he took care of me. But yeah, the mom bond is greater than anything so in my head I will always say I'm his actual mother, the one who actually makes an effort. But I'd never say that to my SS. At least I know this and that's all that matters I guess.

Quoting soonergirl980:

Doing those things is fine and you should continue to do them if that makes you happy. If you do them and expect credit or start to resent your role change it. I know what credit you are talking about and it's not going to come in the way you are asking here because no matter how much credit you may deserve it doesn't change things for him. He has a mother figure in his life...his mom. You may think she is not the greatest mom heck you may think she is the worst, but for better or worse his mother figure is his mom. You doing "things" doesn't make you a mom or a mother figure it just makes you the lady doing those things. Again the sooner you accept that the better.

Quoting camillefortay: I totally get what you're saying and understand it. I know I'll never be his actual mom, physically impossible! But "credit" that I'm talking about goes to the woman who teaches to tie shoe laces, teaches to ride bikes, makes lunches, band aids, gives advice about bullies, revolves life around and so on. She doesn't do any of that, even when she had him full time. So although I know I'll never get the mom love, I'll never stop doing mom things because he needs at least one mother figure in his life that actually cares.

Quoting soonergirl980:

She gets the mom credit because she is mom nothing she does and nothing you do will change that. Stop wishing things were different and move on to acceptance. You are a SM you can be a great SM that is independent of his relationship with his mom. Be the SM you want to be and don't expect to be get the mom "credit" because you aren't her and that is just the facts. When you get to this place of acceptance you will be much happier and won't get hurt over something you cannot be.

Quoting camillefortay: I appreciate this comment so much. I have no kids of my own. The three of us are young parents.. I became a stepmom at 21. I'm 26 now and we've had my SS for 6 months. As much as I love having him full time(because BM didn't pay any attention to him and showed him no love.. She admitted that to us) I wish she was better for him. She's not a drug addict, she's not broke, she just doesn't want him. And he's a very wonderful and charismatic kid, especially for his age. She has been wanting us to have him full time for years but we couldn't financially without child support from her until recently. I feel like every child needs their mother but he doesn't get to have her. And when she picks him up on the weekends she fills him up with candy and McDonald's (he has add and that isn't good for him) and then drops him off at her parents for the weekend and then picks him up on Sunday and takes him out to a movie and fills him up with more candy and we can't afford that. He gets what he wants with her and it has nothing to do with actual love from her side. I do everything and every day I have to explain to him things about her that aren't true. I'd never want him to hear what we have to say about her, ever. But the fact that she gets all of the mom credit when I do everything makes my butt hurt pretty bad.

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