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Hiding out!

Posted by on May. 17, 2015 at 12:45 AM
  • 9 Replies
Step parenting is tough! It's Saturday night and I'm hiding out in my bedroom because of a 4 year old! I'm new to this and it's hard. I do as much as I can to show ss I love and support him in all positive things. One minute he is sweet and in a snap, he becomes the most defiant, disrespectful person I know. This has been going on since I've Known him. My husband gets him every other weekend and wants to be the typical good time dad. He had been punishing with time outs and some spankings. Now it's turned into back-patting and sweetly saying, we don't talk like that to others. Ugh! I made the mistake of telling hubby that wasn't working at all. And so the kid continues to talk ugly to me, back talk, etc and now I have a mad man. So, here I am, hiding out and counting down the hours. Help!
by on May. 17, 2015 at 12:45 AM
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Replies (1-9):
runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on May. 17, 2015 at 1:05 AM

It is tough, I'm sorry! Why has your husband changed his parenting tactics? He's not doing his kid any favors, at that age.

reynab27
by Member on May. 17, 2015 at 1:17 AM
Yea...sounds like my bfs dd...so much fun huh? =/
whatIknownow
by on May. 17, 2015 at 7:19 AM

I agree with your husband's parenting style. If he is rude to you, walk away. It's good that your husband is doing all the childcare when his son is there. Clearly the punishing wasn't working so dad is trying something different.

What is the boy doing that is defiant and disrespectful?

LuvLiddy
by Member on May. 17, 2015 at 9:02 AM
Dad does expect me to take care of ss while he works, so I do have to take care of part of the dicipline...things I deal with are toys being thrown at me, being told to get out of here or away from him, being told to be quiet, stomping his feet at me, etc. I guess it makes it harder because I have a 9 yr old daughter who was never allowed to talk to me or anyone else in such a way. She is constantly asking while he is here, why does he act that way. It's just a hard situation and will only get worse if he continues to get by with it.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with your husband's parenting style. If he is rude to you, walk away. It's good that your husband is doing all the childcare when his son is there. Clearly the punishing wasn't working so dad is trying something different.

What is the boy doing that is defiant and disrespectful?

whatIknownow
by on May. 17, 2015 at 10:05 AM

If your SS is only there every other weekend, why is Dad working? Maybe the boy should stay with his mother if Dad isn't available? I would suggest to your husband that the boy stay home when Dad is working.

Quoting LuvLiddy: Dad does expect me to take care of ss while he works, so I do have to take care of part of the dicipline...things I deal with are toys being thrown at me, being told to get out of here or away from him, being told to be quiet, stomping his feet at me, etc. I guess it makes it harder because I have a 9 yr old daughter who was never allowed to talk to me or anyone else in such a way. She is constantly asking while he is here, why does he act that way. It's just a hard situation and will only get worse if he continues to get by with it.
Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with your husband's parenting style. If he is rude to you, walk away. It's good that your husband is doing all the childcare when his son is there. Clearly the punishing wasn't working so dad is trying something different.

What is the boy doing that is defiant and disrespectful?


XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on May. 17, 2015 at 10:35 AM
3 moms liked this
I would be very concerned about setting the stage for hiding out in your bedroom EOW for the next 14 years. That's no way to live. He's only 4, what about when he's 14? I think you need to get a handle on this now, while SS is still easy to manage.

And by getting a handle on it, I don't mean DH. I agree with his approach. And whether you agree or not, I wouldn't fight that fight. It's easier to manage a relationship with a four year old than to argue about parenting choices with an adult.

You need to make yourself an asset in SS's eyes. You need to have something he wants in order for him to chose to respect you, since in the first four years of his life he hasn't been raised to give blind respect. Think of him as a little adult, without common sense or manners. You need to build a friendship instead of demanding respect.

If it were me (and it was me at one point) I'd start by being the awesomest SM that ever lived. I'd pick up little things that make him happy at the store when I'm out, small gifts to say I know what you like and I care. I'd make his favorite foods, and tell him I'm making them just for him because he's special. Make him feel like you have his interests at heart - and right now his interests are toys and fun.

When he's disrespectful I'd tell him that's not how friends treat friends. And I'd tell him treating me that way it makes me not want to make macaroni and cheese for dinner or this chocolate cake for desert or go to the zoo tomorrow or whatever. If he's being exceptionally bad I'd have ice cream for lunch but tell him I only share with friends.

Is it manipulation? For sure! But dealing with kids is a constant manipulation game anyway. It's not your job to parent him, to raise a respectful human, he's got parents for that. Your life will be infinently easier if he sees you as a friend. And your relationship far more rewarding.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on May. 17, 2015 at 10:57 AM
Sorry, that sounds really wrong.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: I would be very concerned about setting the stage for hiding out in your bedroom EOW for the next 14 years. That's no way to live. He's only 4, what about when he's 14? I think you need to get a handle on this now, while SS is still easy to manage.

And by getting a handle on it, I don't mean DH. I agree with his approach. And whether you agree or not, I wouldn't fight that fight. It's easier to manage a relationship with a four year old than to argue about parenting choices with an adult.

You need to make yourself an asset in SS's eyes. You need to have something he wants in order for him to chose to respect you, since in the first four years of his life he hasn't been raised to give blind respect. Think of him as a little adult, without common sense or manners. You need to build a friendship instead of demanding respect.

If it were me (and it was me at one point) I'd start by being the awesomest SM that ever lived. I'd pick up little things that make him happy at the store when I'm out, small gifts to say I know what you like and I care. I'd make his favorite foods, and tell him I'm making them just for him because he's special. Make him feel like you have his interests at heart - and right now his interests are toys and fun.

When he's disrespectful I'd tell him that's not how friends treat friends. And I'd tell him treating me that way it makes me not want to make macaroni and cheese for dinner or this chocolate cake for desert or go to the zoo tomorrow or whatever. If he's being exceptionally bad I'd have ice cream for lunch but tell him I only share with friends.

Is it manipulation? For sure! But dealing with kids is a constant manipulation game anyway. It's not your job to parent him, to raise a respectful human, he's got parents for that. Your life will be infinently easier if he sees you as a friend. And your relationship far more rewarding.
Kayjacemom
by on May. 17, 2015 at 11:02 AM
Yes this I agree. You aren't a babysitter for DH if the child is acting that way and he's at with you shouldn't have to deal with that at all

Quoting whatIknownow:

If your SS is only there every other weekend, why is Dad working? Maybe the boy should stay with his mother if Dad isn't available? I would suggest to your husband that the boy stay home when Dad is working.

Quoting LuvLiddy: Dad does expect me to take care of ss while he works, so I do have to take care of part of the dicipline...things I deal with are toys being thrown at me, being told to get out of here or away from him, being told to be quiet, stomping his feet at me, etc. I guess it makes it harder because I have a 9 yr old daughter who was never allowed to talk to me or anyone else in such a way. She is constantly asking while he is here, why does he act that way. It's just a hard situation and will only get worse if he continues to get by with it.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with your husband's parenting style. If he is rude to you, walk away. It's good that your husband is doing all the childcare when his son is there. Clearly the punishing wasn't working so dad is trying something different.

What is the boy doing that is defiant and disrespectful?

XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on May. 17, 2015 at 12:35 PM
I know. :) But I think if your intention is to build a healthy relationship (a friendship as opposed to a parent/child relationship) with a skid it's effective and does no harm. It's more dealing with them on their level. If you're trying to be mom 2.0 it's way wrong.

I was not above buying the acceptance of my 4 year old SD when I met her. She was a good kid anyway, but I wanted her to feel secure that I was not taking daddy away, I was not a threat, but a friend. I wanted to build mutually beneficial interaction from the start. It worked like a charm. To this day there is no taking shit out on me, no "you're not my mom" (duh!) bullshit or taking me for granted. Since we're friends by choice it's not in her interests to do so.

But ask me again when she's 16. I'm sure it won't be so easy.


Quoting pdxmum: Sorry, that sounds really wrong.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: I would be very concerned about setting the stage for hiding out in your bedroom EOW for the next 14 years. That's no way to live. He's only 4, what about when he's 14? I think you need to get a handle on this now, while SS is still easy to manage.

And by getting a handle on it, I don't mean DH. I agree with his approach. And whether you agree or not, I wouldn't fight that fight. It's easier to manage a relationship with a four year old than to argue about parenting choices with an adult.

You need to make yourself an asset in SS's eyes. You need to have something he wants in order for him to chose to respect you, since in the first four years of his life he hasn't been raised to give blind respect. Think of him as a little adult, without common sense or manners. You need to build a friendship instead of demanding respect.

If it were me (and it was me at one point) I'd start by being the awesomest SM that ever lived. I'd pick up little things that make him happy at the store when I'm out, small gifts to say I know what you like and I care. I'd make his favorite foods, and tell him I'm making them just for him because he's special. Make him feel like you have his interests at heart - and right now his interests are toys and fun.

When he's disrespectful I'd tell him that's not how friends treat friends. And I'd tell him treating me that way it makes me not want to make macaroni and cheese for dinner or this chocolate cake for desert or go to the zoo tomorrow or whatever. If he's being exceptionally bad I'd have ice cream for lunch but tell him I only share with friends.

Is it manipulation? For sure! But dealing with kids is a constant manipulation game anyway. It's not your job to parent him, to raise a respectful human, he's got parents for that. Your life will be infinently easier if he sees you as a friend. And your relationship far more rewarding.
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