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Opinions regarding DD's graduation & ex

Posted by on Jun. 2, 2015 at 8:46 AM
  • 18 Replies

DD has a strained relationship with her dad. She dropped out at 16 due to bullying and her dad called her drunk & told her she was a worthless piece of shit & wouldn't amount to anything. She got a job right away & has been there since. She went back to high school this year (online) & is graduating this month. The kid's, my ex, their uncle & my mom all work at the same bar. He let this lady, who worked at the bar, move in last year with her 10 year old daughter while she "waited for her apartment to be ready to move into." That never happened & here we are almost a year later and she's still there. I get along with my ex, don't have much interaction with him but his girlfriend is possessive of him so he's not allowed to interact much with the kid's, myself or anyone else. All interaction has to be with her around and all phone calls are put on speaker phone. I don't care who he dates, as long as they are kind to the kid's. He's an alcoholic, she's an alcoholic & drug addict. DD has expressed to me that she doesn't want her dad to come to her graduation if he's drunk and she doesn't want his new girlfriend or her daughter to come at all. She has no relationship with the girlfriend other than someone she works with. So, now my problem: I have to tell ex that he can come but his girlfriend can't & have to find a way to do it when his girlfriend isn't around (she sits at the bar while he works and when she works, she is constantly at their apartment above the bar.) Would you encourage DD to just let the gf go to avoid conflict? Support your DD and suck it up & tell ex he can go but his gf & her daughter can't? I'm proud of my DD and this day is about her.

by on Jun. 2, 2015 at 8:46 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 8:48 AM

If she is working in a bar, she is at least 21.  She needs to speak with her dad, not you.

whatIknownow
by on Jun. 2, 2015 at 8:51 AM
1 mom liked this

First of all congratulations on your DD's graduation, that is great that she achieved that.

As for the girlfriend, I don't think you can ban her from coming (assuming it is open to the public). I would encourage your DD to let it go, focus on her own accomplishment and enjoy her day that she earned.There will be lots of people there, mostly strangers. Let the girlfriend fade into the background with the other strangers. If her dad does show up drunk, avoid him. That is what I would tell her. There is nothing to be gained by participating in this drama.

reynab27
by Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 8:52 AM
2 moms liked this
Its your dds graduation, her day that she worked hard to accomplish. She has every right to not want someone whom was not in anyway helpful in her path. So either you as her mother stick up for her or she needs to. If she's under 18 I think it's your duty...over I think she should. Good luck!
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 8:59 AM
1 mom liked this

as I see it there are threechoices:

1. you tell her dad for her and WW3 breaks out.

2. she tells her Dad and WW3 breaks out.

3. say nothing and he won't know to go?

XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 9:18 AM
IMO this is DD's issue. She's the one graduating, she's the one with the stipulations and strained relationship with BF. I would tell DD this is her day, these are her decisions, she needs to own her decisions and talk to BF herself.

At her age you shouldn't be involved in her relationship with BF. You shouldn't be a go-between or a translator. It's not fair to you or to BF and does DD a disservice.
amyjo76
by Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 9:20 AM

She's 19. She's a prep cook & does dishes. You can work in a bar doing dishes & doing prep work but you can't be behind the bar. So if she wants a drink while working, a bartender has to get it for her. Legally, she can work there. I guess bar would be the wrong word, more like restaurant/bar. I do apologize as it seems like it's only serving alcohol but it isn't :)

I agree it would be better for her to do it. She is legally an adult but at 16, when she told him she dropped out & he reacted the way he did, she doesn't like to interact with him when it could piss him off. While she may be an adult, I still feel this need to protect her from him.

Quoting pdxmum:

If she is working in a bar, she is at least 21.  She needs to speak with her dad, not you.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 9:34 AM

But she works with the both of them.  This is her relationship for her to negotiate.  Clearly she has a relationship.

So having his ex wife tell him his daughter/coworker does not want his girlfriend and her daughter or his drunk self at graduation is going to not piss him off and will protect her how?

what is wrong with this picture?  It almost sounds like it is you that doesn't like the girlfriend.

Quoting amyjo76:

She's 19. She's a prep cook & does dishes. You can work in a bar doing dishes & doing prep work but you can't be behind the bar. So if she wants a drink while working, a bartender has to get it for her. Legally, she can work there. I guess bar would be the wrong word, more like restaurant/bar. I do apologize as it seems like it's only serving alcohol but it isn't :)

I agree it would be better for her to do it. She is legally an adult but at 16, when she told him she dropped out & he reacted the way he did, she doesn't like to interact with him when it could piss him off. While she may be an adult, I still feel this need to protect her from him.

Quoting pdxmum:

If she is working in a bar, she is at least 21.  She needs to speak with her dad, not you.


amyjo76
by Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 9:34 AM

I agree. However, it's one thing for him to be angry at me, it doesn't affect me other than making me angry for my kid's. For her, she has to work with them. She has to see them & deal with them. I know we can't protect our kid's forever. I know at some point she should approach him & talk to him about how he's hurt her over the years. I may be projecting my life on her but I remember what it was like when I desperately wanted to talk to my dad about all the hurt he caused me over the years & my step mom refused to allow him to be alone with me. It sucked & it was hurtful. The girlfriend literally doesn't allow him to be around the kid's without her present. He took her daughter fishing & he mentioned it to my daughter. DD asked why he didn't ask her to go & he said gf said I couldn't. This was said in the freezer while they were at work, while gf was up front sitting at the bar. I think if she didn't have to work with them, this wouldn't be such an issue.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: IMO this is DD's issue. She's the one graduating, she's the one with the stipulations and strained relationship with BF. I would tell DD this is her day, these are her decisions, she needs to own her decisions and talk to BF herself. At her age you shouldn't be involved in her relationship with BF. You shouldn't be a go-between or a translator. It's not fair to you or to BF and does DD a disservice.


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 9:41 AM

Why is she inviting her Dad?

The simplest solution would be to just not invite the source of trouble. Let your DD handle the situation herself.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Wednesday800
by Bronze Member on Jun. 2, 2015 at 9:57 AM

 I agree, as it sounds like it would be a gamble as to whether or not he shows up sober or drunk, so why risk it being the latter? 

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Why is she inviting her Dad?

The simplest solution would be to just not invite the source of trouble. Let your DD handle the situation herself.

 

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