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Feeling excluded

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:01 PM
  • 30 Replies
ive been a stepmom for a year. I was previously married with stepchildren for 10 years. This situation is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I'm depressed, feeling out of control and alone. I love my 8 year old stepdaughter with all my heart and she feels the same about me, we bonded so naturally. He mother hates it and doesn't like me because of it. I tried everything for over a year to make things work and she caught everything against me. I had 2 miscarriages through the stress of it.. I spent most of Christmas Eve and day by myself because my husbands priority was his daughter as it should be and all the traditions were held at her moms house. She controls things that I can and can't do with my stepdaughter. Now suddenly she wants to start talking. I am so hurt over my losses and angered that I can't stand to see her. I want to get past these feelings but I do t trust her. She has done this before and then turned evil again. My husband says maybe she is changing, I'm afraid to let my guard down. He trust that she is changing every time and then I end up being the one hurt again. I can't be hurt again. Please someone help me with this.
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:05 PM
3 moms liked this

 If you can't be hurt again, then don't be. In my opinion your DH needs to figure out which wife he is married to and you need to decide how you want your marriage to be with proper boundaries with the BM

codysara
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:09 PM
1 mom liked this
Is this #3 or #4 today? I'm losing track.
lonelystepmom
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:16 PM
Thank you for responding. He is a wonderful dad and his ex made him feel guilty because he actually filed for the divorce , though it was because of lack of wanting to be married. He took being a family for his daughter seriously and she has taken advantage of it ever since. She drilled it in his head the divorce was because he didn't pay enough attention to her daughter. He admits it took him about 6 months to adjust to being a father to his ex'a daughter but after that he was great. Trust me, he was because he even took her daughter on trips when he took their daughter together after their divorce. She to this day still puts him down for his lack of gathering to his stepdaughter. It's like he continues to try to make up for breaking the family apart. I agree with what you say about the boundaries.
whatIknownow
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:20 PM
3 moms liked this

First of all I am sorry for your pregnancy losses but that is not the mother's fault. I get the sense you blame her, but that is unreasonable. She did not cause your miscarriages.

I also think it was wrong of your husband to spend christmas with his ex-wife instead of his new wife. But again, that is not the mother's fault, it is your husband's fault.

You don't need to have any relationship at all with the mother. In fact, I recommend you stop trying to have a relationship with her. Focus on your new marriage. That should be your priority at this point, Be a wife first, a SM second. Just be nice to your SD, enjoy your marraige, and let your husband handle his ex-wife. You don't need to communicate with her at all.

CampHarris
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:20 PM
He spends Christmas at his ex wife's house?
lonelystepmom
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:27 PM
Only God knows the cause of the miscarriages, though with no doubt the stress didn't help. Christmas is both the ex and my husbands fault, as I have told him. If he doesn't do what she wants she makes life for him hard and believe me she can and he is a father first and a husband second and I knew this about him. However, as I told him, his ex pukka these strings because she knows this about him and she uses the daughter as a pawn.

Quoting whatIknownow:

First of all I am sorry for your pregnancy losses but that is not the mother's fault. I get the sense you blame her, but that is unreasonable. She did not cause your miscarriages.

I also think it was wrong of your husband to spend christmas with his ex-wife instead of his new wife. But again, that is not the mother's fault, it is your husband's fault.

You don't need to have any relationship at all with the mother. In fact, I recommend you stop trying to have a relationship with her. Focus on your new marriage. That should be your priority at this point, Be a wife first, a SM second. Just be nice to your SD, enjoy your marraige, and let your husband handle his ex-wife. You don't need to communicate with her at all.

lonelystepmom
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:31 PM
Before we were together he stayed over Christmas Eve, after we were mRriws the first year he spent most of the time there but not overnight. I ended up in counseling after that. He promises it won't be like that this year but I'm so afraid, just with what I went through last year and not knowing what to expect this year. I love him with all my heart and he is a good man. He just doesn't know how to handle the situation or where to set the boundaries.

Quoting CampHarris: He spends Christmas at his ex wife's house?
whatIknownow
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:31 PM
4 moms liked this

The Christmas thing is 100% your husband's fault. I can't believe you are falling for his excuse. Does he have a court order that divides up the holidays?

luckyinlife
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:35 PM
If the kid isn't his daughter, she most definitely isn't your SD and BM is well within her rights to want you to have nothing to do with her child. I am sorry for your losses but they are not her fault, it is just part of life. You're problem is your husband putting his ex wife and ex SD ahead of you. Perhaps you married too soon to the wrong man.

Quoting lonelystepmom: Thank you for responding. He is a wonderful dad and his ex made him feel guilty because he actually filed for the divorce , though it was because of lack of wanting to be married. He took being a family for his daughter seriously and she has taken advantage of it ever since. She drilled it in his head the divorce was because he didn't pay enough attention to her daughter. He admits it took him about 6 months to adjust to being a father to his ex'a daughter but after that he was great. Trust me, he was because he even took her daughter on trips when he took their daughter together after their divorce. She to this day still puts him down for his lack of gathering to his stepdaughter. It's like he continues to try to make up for breaking the family apart. I agree with what you say about the boundaries.
CampHarris
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:35 PM
3 moms liked this

Yeah, that wouldn't fly for a second with me.

Here's how he handles the situation... it's really simple, actually:  He realizes he divorced her and things are different now.  He has his own holiday festivities with the kids.

That's the way it works after a divorce.

You don't get the best of both worlds.

Quoting lonelystepmom: Before we were together he stayed over Christmas Eve, after we were mRriws the first year he spent most of the time there but not overnight. I ended up in counseling after that. He promises it won't be like that this year but I'm so afraid, just with what I went through last year and not knowing what to expect this year. I love him with all my heart and he is a good man. He just doesn't know how to handle the situation or where to set the boundaries.
Quoting CampHarris: He spends Christmas at his ex wife's house?


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