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Wanting to Expand our Family

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:05 PM
  • 35 Replies

Hi y'all! I am 28 and have no children of my own.  My husband is 39, has three children 9, 13, & 18, and one ex-wife from people's nightmares.  We have been together for 3 ½ years and married for 2.  Even though my DH and the BM has 50/50 custody, they are only with us on average 5 days per month.  We are paying 80%+ of his income in child support mostly because he owns his own business.  Consequently, we live on mostly my income so we are often strapped but still find ways to make our finances work.

After being married for a couple of years, all of the craziness with the BM starting to die down a bit, and my 28th birthday coming and going, I'm starting to think more and more about wanting a child/children of my own...... my husband?...... won't even let me bring up the subject.  Honestly, becomes irate, hateful, and every time it gets brought up I end up walking away in tears with mountains of resentment bottling inside of me.  I've tried approaching it from different angles but every time it goes down the same way.  Before we got married I did ask him if he would have children with me someday; he said yes.  Not right now but yes, some day.  Looking back, maybe I should have got it in writing and had him define when "someday" is. Lol.  Every conversation starts with him saying he's not talking about it and calling me pushy.  Then goes to that we already have a ‘family' and if he and I have children, I will kick his kids to the curb.  However, they are only with us 5 days a month so I couldn't really kick them too much more to the curb, even though that isn't close to what I want.

What I want is to be a mom.  Even though he says he understands, my husband has no clue that having grown/half-grown step-children that you rarely ever see and having and sharing a child together is two very different things.  He uses everything from his children, to the BM's drama (who has a child with her live in boyfriend), to finances as his excuses, to his horrible marriage/divorce.  He had a vasectomy after the 9 year old was born so we would have to pay out of pocket for his reversal, which when we met, he acted like was no big deal and I didn't find out until later how complicated it would actually make things.

To be honest, I'm angry.  I'm angry on the inside and find that my resentment towards everyone involved keeps mounting.  My DH and I are very open and honest and talk about everything but I am not able to talk about it with my husband because it leads to an argument.  I can't help but feel deprived, misled, used, and just plain bitter.  This is not who I want to be and I want for it to change.  Do I need to go get a puppy until he's ready to talk about kids? j/k  I'm still fairly certain that won't fix it.  And while I'm only 28, I am not getting any younger and I don't want to wait until he's 45-50 to have kids with him.  Where do I go from here?  Last thing I want is a divorce.  But this is one thing I am not willing to give up on wanting.  I truly feel like he thinks if we aren't able to have children after a reversal, I will just leave him.  If for some reason after we exhaust our means of conceiving a child and it just doesn't happen, that is something I am willing to face, together.  But not willing to try.... That's not good enough for me. 

by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CampHarris
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:22 PM
3 moms liked this
He's already past that stage in his life.

If I were you, I'd cut my losses now.
whatIknownow
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:29 PM
6 moms liked this

If I were you, I would get a divorce and find a man who wants to have a family with me. I would never give up my right to be a mother. It is your God-given right to be a mother.

CampHarris
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:41 PM
8 moms liked this

Here's how I see what happened:

Guy:  "Here's a hot young chick!  Yay!  Marry me!"

You:  "Yes, but I want kids someday..."

Guy:  (selectively listening) "Sure baby, c'mere and give daddy some love."

You get married, he expects you'll get over it (cause I'm 40 now and I'm WAY over it).  Before I started dating DF, I dated a few guys who were childless.  I stopped dating them because I knew back at 36 and two kids I did not want any more children.

You deserve to have children if that's what you want.  He obviously didn't take your words seriously, and probably still doesn't.  I'd tell him point blank that if he does not want children as he told you prior to marriage, then you need to move on.  Then file for an annulment because you got married under false pretenses.

WickedPissah
by 2Sexy4MyStoma on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this
He doesn't want anymore kids.
Since you do, you need to cut your losses and move on.
GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:56 PM

I feel him.  I'm 39 with a 13 and 16 year old.  I wouldn't want any more kids either.

my3monkeyskek
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:24 PM
2 moms liked this

I have to agree fully with Camp and Wicked. And like Glock, I am 39 (DH is 47) and I cannot imagine having any more kids at this age - combined DH and I have 7 kids ages 13 to 22 (none together). I have actually have had panic attack level dreams where I was pregnant. Both DH and I are "fixed" so that's not a possilbility, thankfully so now at our point in life.

We did have a conversation a week or so ago where I asked him if he thought we would have had a baby together if both of us would have been able to. He didn't even hesitate in saying yes. (I was 33 and he was 41 when we met). He LOVES being a father so even at 41 he would have started again. 

The reason I mention that conversation is that a man knows when he wants (more) kids and he knows when doesn't. Your DH may have told you what you wanted to hear about having more kids but his reaction now makes it clear that he doesn't want to have more, especially since he isn't even open to the conversation.

Do NOT sell yourself short in this situation. If you want your own children do not settle for less than that. 

vandysm13
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:45 PM
1 mom liked this

This was a deal-breaker for SO & I.  Since he already had children I think I probably brought it up on our second or third date lol. We would not be getting married and not be together if he flat-out refused to have any more children (he didn't want any more, but we're both young and both BM's have even told him he owes me a kid or 2 lol).

hrisl2
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:07 PM
He has said he wants more children. And unlike most men, he LOVE kids. Not only his. I spend a lot of time with my nephews and he's brought up "man, it would be nice to have a baby around".... it's just when it comes down to talking about the meat and potatoes and taking any actions, he's so shut off. He says we wants us to be married for more than a couple of years, have a better grasp on finances, and just have everything figured out.... I'll be ready for retirement before most of that happens. After his divorce, owning his own business, we have had to rebuild everything he had worked so hard for from the ground up. He lost everything but his business in the divorce even though the BM had cheated on him most of their marriage. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. He's 39 but he's a young 39, if you can imagine such a thing... He gets carded more than I ever have. I want to talk with him about it but I'm not sure how to make him listen. I know I'm a hard person to talk with sometimes because I have a hard time communicating my feelings. I either get mad and leave or cry and leave.
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:58 PM
2 moms liked this
I honestly think he's spinning you stories.

He "lost everything" in the divorce? He's paying 80% of good income in CS? That isn't how it works, even if you own your own business.

And, frankly, I don't think he really wants more kids. If he did, then even if he wasn't ready right now, he'd already have been looking into the reversal. The longer you wait on those, the lower the success rate.
CampHarris
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 3:01 PM

Well, not to toot my own horn, but I'm 40 and I get carded all the time, so I CAN imagine such a thing, lol.

What I CAN'T imagine is starting over with a new baby right now.  Nope, no way, no thanks.

You also have to think about the fact that reversal surgery may not work, and that it may take some time for you to get pregnant, if you can at all.  

Honestly, I'm sure you love him, and I'm sure he's great with kids.  But all of those excuses sound like he's leading you on to me.  Buying himself more time and hoping you'll let it go.

I sometimes have a hard time communicating my feelings too.  When it's something important, and something I know I'll probably fuck up verbally, I write it down.

Maybe try writing him a letter.  That'll give you time to compose your thoughts.  But don't leave it open-ended.  Remind him that he promised you prior to marriage that you would have children together, and that is one of the reasons you agreed to marry him.  Being a mother is important to you, and that if he has changed his mind about that, he needs to be open and honest with you about it so you know where to go from there.

And I understand completely.  Being a mom was very important to me too.  I would NOT have been satisfied being a stepmom to someone else's children and never having my own.

Quoting hrisl2: He has said he wants more children. And unlike most men, he LOVE kids. Not only his. I spend a lot of time with my nephews and he's brought up "man, it would be nice to have a baby around".... it's just when it comes down to talking about the meat and potatoes and taking any actions, he's so shut off. He says we wants us to be married for more than a couple of years, have a better grasp on finances, and just have everything figured out.... I'll be ready for retirement before most of that happens. After his divorce, owning his own business, we have had to rebuild everything he had worked so hard for from the ground up. He lost everything but his business in the divorce even though the BM had cheated on him most of their marriage. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. He's 39 but he's a young 39, if you can imagine such a thing... He gets carded more than I ever have. I want to talk with him about it but I'm not sure how to make him listen. I know I'm a hard person to talk with sometimes because I have a hard time communicating my feelings. I either get mad and leave or cry and leave.


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