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I can't stand his kids... Am I a horrible person?

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:23 PM
  • 234 Replies
I am genuinely concerned, and very curious to know if other step moms have felt this way or continue to dislike having his kids around.

I have 2 of my own, whom I've raised on my own for the past 4 yrs. he has 5 kids! 3 from his first marriage, and 2 more from his ex. We hardly see the older three as they live out of state. The younger two from his ex come over every other weekend. They are 4 & 5 both boys. I honestly get anxiety the entire week leading up to their arrival. He can sense it too. I try so hard to like them, but I just don't! In fact immediately after they leave I can breathe again. They're loud, messy, demanding, disrespectful, just want to play video games all weekend, break my son's toys, blame my son for no reason, burst into our room at night or when we're alone for a few minutes. Not to mention they stress their dad out, and well that just affects all of us.

I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. If they never came around I would be okay with that. Obviously, this is not reality and I know he wants to be in their lives.

Do any of you have similar situations, testimonies, advice, constructive criticism, anything you think may help???

I appreciate the support!

Ang
by on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
britney678
by Silver Member on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:27 PM
15 moms liked this
My advice is that you figure out how to like them, or you leave him. You can always find another husband, but they only get one dad. And, whatever you do, don't have any children with this man.
luckyinlife
by on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:27 PM
5 moms liked this
Good lord, what would you do if suddenly tomorrow your DH had them full time?
JustOneAndDone
by on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:36 PM
11 moms liked this

Wow I don't envy you.  I don't always like other people's kids either...... and I can't imagine having to spend EOWE with kids I don't like.

I'd sit down and have an honest talk with your husband.  Just as he can't expect you to like his kids.... you can't expect him to not want them around.  So the two of you need to have an honest talk about what to do.  Do you leave for the weekend with your kids?   Does he try to spend more time outside the home with his kids?  Are there realistic things he can ask his kids to do while they are in your home that can help relieve your anxiety?

Like Lucky said  - what if something happened to BM and suddenly these kids are in your home full-time?

It doesn't make you a bad person for not liking his kids as long as you aren't openly hostile towards them and you treat them well when they are in your home.  But if you can't be kind when they are there, or if you begin to resent your husband, then you need to reevaulate your situation and whether or not you should be married to this man.

Good luck!

CampHarris
by Gold Member on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:37 PM

Are you married to this man?  If not, I would seriously rethink doing so.

At 4 and 5, they're still VERY young, which means you have a lot of weekends to dread ahead of you.  I can't imagine feeling such disdain for such little kids, either.  At 4 and 5, obviously they're going to be loud, demanding, messy... you've had kids that age before, no?  

How old are your kids?  And how long have you two been together?  

TheEms
by Bronze Member on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:39 PM
8 moms liked this

I feel badly for you.  Mostly because there's going to be a storm coming for you from a lot of other mom's on here.  Don't let them bring you down.

It's okay to feel this way.  It sounds like they are a bit disorderly, but not anything that can't be managed.  It sounds like you're raising your kids fine.  Just keep doing what you're doing with your kids and let the others learn from that.  Don't let your emotions get the best of you.  It's best to look at them as your friends kids so that you don't get too emotionally invested to the point that you tarnish your relationship with them.  Look to your DH for support and mostly handle your issues with SS's directly through your DH and don't take anything personal.  

Good luck!

oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:44 PM
12 moms liked this

Sounds like all normal young boy behaviors. Kids that age want what they want, like to play video games, they can be loud, 4&5 year olds are messy, demanding, and sure don't ask for things with any polish in their interactions. They play rough and break toys. They blame other kids all the time, no kids cops to things being their fault willingly. They don't schedule interuptions on parents for when it is convenient...all parents here raise your hand if you feel you have given up permanently taking a pee in peace...

Yup you have a 4&5 year old visiting...rowdy from the sounds of it, normal, boys. The difference is they are not your flesh and blood so you don't "forgive" their behaviors the way you would your own kids. You notice it more and it gets on your nerves more.

Bottom line, work on you, and your tolerance. Dad will also be less stressed if his other adult partner in the home isn't freaking out during the visit too...if he is having to parent his kids and make sure you are put  together during the visit, that is a lot. Work on you, you are the grown-up.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:48 PM
3 moms liked this
You have a lot of wknds ahead of you and if something were to happen to Bm then you'd have them more often. I feel your issue is really with your do. I'm assuming he "lets" them get out of hand a little? At that age,you have to expect some craziness but I'm wondering if your dh maybe lets you handle more? Does he clean up after them or is he Disneyland dad that wknd? I think that's fine as well (sometimes) but for the most part your dh should be doing normal "dad" things with them. As in cleaning up a little, maybe helping with dinner ect.

I think you need to step back and just do your own thing on your skids wknd. I think it would be best for you and hopefully in doing so,you can find some peace and be a more positive SM.
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WinterHope311
by New Member on Nov. 16, 2015 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this

  My BF has two kids, and I have two kids.  While my relationship with his kids has for the most part been pretty good, we had an issue a month or so ago where we got into it and didn't speak to each other for almost two weeks.  But I love my BF, and I want us to all be a family.  His kids aren't always easy to deal with (especially since I have no experience with teenagers, mine are both young), but I put forth extra effort b/c I want to see this work.


If you really love your DH and want it to work, you HAVE to make it work with his kids.  And if they are only there every other weekend, it really shouldn't be all that hard.  You just have to lay down the law.  Demand respect.  Let them know that you're here to stay, you love their dad (and them), but you will not tolerate them acting like they do.  If they're going to have that kind of attitude at your home, don't let them play video games.  Even though they're only there every other weekend, they can STILL be grounded!!  Demand respect and eventually you will get it!

newstepmom8
by on Nov. 16, 2015 at 3:03 PM
We've been together for 5 months, and no we are not married. He wants to be asap. I on the other hand haven't decided yet. I need more time to figure out what's best for everyone. I feel a lot of pressure to make up my mind though. My 2 are 12 & 8 a girl and boy. I know they can be messy and loud, of course I know it goes hand in hand with kids. Generally speaking I love kids, so I don't understand why his annoy me to no end. I'm sorry to offend other moms on here. Not my intention at all.

When I mention doing things with my kids alone (like we've been doing for the past 4 yrs) he calls it segregation. Or when I suggest he have some bonding time with his boys he gets upset because he wants to do everything together. I left my job and entire family to move from the twin cities to his home 2 hrs away. I want to go visit my old friends and family! Desperately!!! He thinks I'm going there to meet up with my ex so we stay home. Isolated?? That's what I've been told.

It also doesn't help that I am a natural introvert. This doesn't mean I don't like being around people. It just means it exhausts me mentally and physically. I recharge by doing something quietly or by being on my own even if for an hour or 2.

We are "expecting" in July 2016!! Oh my...

Thanks for your replys
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Nov. 16, 2015 at 3:09 PM
4 moms liked this

How old are your kids?  How long have you lived together?  Did you know his younger boys before you moved in together?  Were they this way before you moved in?  Is this behavior a recent change for them?  Did you move into his home or did he move into yours?  What does BF do/say to his sons when they are loud, messy, demanding, disrespectful or break your sons toys?  How is this handled?  Do you and BF agree on what constitutes 'loud', 'messy', 'demanding', etc.? 

Start with the ADULT in the home, the BF.  Discuss your expectations, and his, and come to a compromise, THEN work on the boys. 

Frankly you sound a bit overdramatic if you are getting worked up (anxiety) the entire WEEK before their visit.  That's a whole week you have to discuss with with BF and work on behaviors you need to change to NOT get worked up for a whole week ahead of time. 

The boys are in your home 48 (ish) hours at a time, or 96 (ish) hours out of the entire month, so you spend 120 or so hours working yourself up for a 48 hour visit?  Seems extreme. 

Start where the problem is.  The BF.  Once you and he can come to an agreement on the kids behavior, and consequences, then you can hopefully begin to relax as HE takes care of all during their visit.  Learn to ignore certain behaviors as the boys learn the 'new rules'.  Learn to ignore certain traits or behaviors instead of letting it feel like disrespect towards you.  They're young, they are behaving as they've been taught is acceptable (yes, even by BF), so it's not specifically aimed at 'you' if BF has allowed it to continue too.  Realize it'll take time for changes to take shape and become 'normal' in your home. 

Is BF around the ENTIRE time they're in your home?  If not, why not?  If he is, hand him the responsibility, solely, to make sure the boys are quieter, or have a set time they can be loud, and another set time they must be quiet.  Have him entirely responsible for their messes, and do all the clean up.  Walk away if they are disrespectful.  Look at BF if they demand something of you.  Tell them 'you'll have to talk to your dad about that' if they 'demand' something.  Teach them how YOU are willing to be spoken to.  Remind them (yes, often) that please and thank you go a long way, but immulate that yourself, and use the same behavior with them that you want them to use with you.  If they play video games all weekend, that's on dad.  Ignore it.  It could be worse.  They burst into your room when they're there?  Look at BF and tell him that's not acceptable (or figure out a compromise if certain hours would be acceptable, and certain ones wouldn't).  I realize the bedroom is a 'sacred' place for some, it's not for me.  Never has been.  At BF/SMs home, my boys learned early NOT to walk in, but to knock.  At my home, if the door is shut, you knock (any door), if it's open, come on in!  Different rules for different places - kids will learn IF they're taught.  They don't show up at your door knowing the differences though.  They must be taught.  If they aren't taught, look at the adult in charge of them to do the teaching. 

All this said, no, you aren't required to 'like' every person you meet/know, but this would be a BIG red flag for me if the man I loved had children I couldn't stand to be around and was anxious for a WEEK prior to their visits.  That falls back to him, and perhaps he's not the 'one' for you? 

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