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Future In Laws

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 1:38 AM
  • 21 Replies
I could really use some advice!

I am getting married in 6 months. My fiancé has a 8 year old daughter who I get along with wonderfully. Also, her mom doesn't give us many issues and does well accepting that I am a part of her daughters life. You might be thinking, what does she need help with?

Well, my fiances parents and I got along great before we got engaged. He was living at their house but we just recently bought a house and are living together. Now that we are engaged they are acting as if I'm taking their granddaughter away from them. We only get to see his daughter every weekend and we make sure that she visits her grandma and grandpa every weekend too. I am trying my hardest but it is so frustrating! They make snide remarks and make decisions for her without consulting us, like signing her up for dance class. We told them we were going to get her a bike for her birthday...and they got one too!

Please help me, I am not sure what to do! My fiancé gets annoyed with them but the minute I say something about his parents he gets defensive.
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 1:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Rivmom10
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 1:58 AM

I think your MIL has been picking up his side of the mommy stuff when he has her (if he lived there, she had that sweet girl every weekend too and that can sad for her), she's probably afraid her granddaughter will love you more since you will naturally have more time with her. Try including her if it's feasible it will go a long way if she's reacting to feeling threatened and replaced. Your soon DH is annoyed because he loves you, don't make anyone pick sides, your DH's father probably has very little to do with this. Men don't typically have anything to do with picking presents, does he make snide remarks too? 

ame4c
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 2:31 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree. The other thing I would say is this is your soon to be DH's problem to handle, not yours. Reality is he's caused this situation by allowing his mother to make these decisions and choices for him in the past. In fact, this actually would be a red flag before marriage because if he's truly ready for marriage he would be more independent of his parents. It sounds like mom knows your going to be making all the choices going forward because she knows her son doesn't make them for himself.

Next I would suggest not telling your new MIL what gifts you plan for SD in advance. This way she can't beat you to the punch. She may have thought her son was asking her to get the bicycle for him. Remember she's made all the choices prior to you and probably up held his financial responsibilities too (another red flag).


Quoting Rivmom10:

I think your MIL has been picking up his side of the mommy stuff when he has her (if he lived there, she had that sweet girl every weekend too and that can sad for her), she's probably afraid her granddaughter will love you more since you will naturally have more time with her. Try including her if it's feasible it will go a long way if she's reacting to feeling threatened and replaced. Your soon DH is annoyed because he loves you, don't make anyone pick sides, your DH's father probably has very little to do with this. Men don't typically have anything to do with picking presents, does he make snide remarks too? 

CampHarris
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 2:39 AM

How long have you been together?

What's the custody situation?  

How old are you both?

DISCLAIMER:  My ex in-laws (well, the ones that are still alive) are assholes and were through my 12-year marriage/15-year relationship, so I want to make sure my advice reflects YOUR situation, not mine.

jpickens
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 3:19 AM
3 moms liked this

My situation is similar.  The relationship  with BMs and I are good but I can't stand his mother. TBH, I don't think its about his grand-daughter, Mom is probably having a hard time losing control of her son.  If that is the case, prepare for the spitting contest to get worse.

Please go to marriage counceling. I was not willing to get married and tolerate his mother's bullshit.  He did not grasp that until a 3rd party got involved.  Whatever you do, please do not marry him until the light bulb goes off and he is open to setting  boundaries with his mother. It'll be an unbearable problem in your marriage if he doesn't. 


whatIknownow
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:29 AM
2 moms liked this

I would let your boyfriend handle his parents and stay completely out of it. If they say something to you say, "I understand how you feel, you should talk to [boyfriend] about that."

I don't see the harm in two bikes, so she can have one at grandma's house for when she visits there.

Anstear2014
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:06 AM
We have been together for three years. I am 24 and he is 29. We have her every Saturday and Sunday and she spends the night.

He had her when he was 19 so it is a bit different situation.

Quoting CampHarris:

How long have you been together?

What's the custody situation?  

How old are you both?

DISCLAIMER:  My ex in-laws (well, the ones that are still alive) are assholes and were through my 12-year marriage/15-year relationship, so I want to make sure my advice reflects YOUR situation, not mine.

Anstear2014
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:09 AM
Good idea about marriage counseling! We are planning on going but maybe we should start a bit earlier. Thank you.

Quoting jpickens:

My situation is similar.  The relationship  with BMs and I are good but I can't stand his mother. TBH, I don't think its about his grand-daughter, Mom is probably having a hard time losing control of her son.  If that is the case, prepare for the spitting contest to get worse.

Please go to marriage counceling. I was not willing to get married and tolerate his mother's bullshit.  He did not grasp that until a 3rd party got involved.  Whatever you do, please do not marry him until the light bulb goes off and he is open to setting  boundaries with his mother. It'll be an unbearable problem in your marriage if he doesn't. 

whatIknownow
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:35 AM
1 mom liked this

If your boyfriend lived with his parents, did he parents do all or most of the childcare when their granddaughter came over?

If so, it is a tough adjustment for them, letting her go live with their son elsewhere. Maybe they are just not confident that their granddaughter will be taken care of, if your boyfriend left the childcare to them.

Can you understand where they are coming from?

When your boyfriend's daughter comes over, who does most of the childcare, you or him?

If he had not moved in with you, would he be able to (or interested in) caring for his daughter all by himself without his parents' help?

Quoting Anstear2014: We have been together for three years. I am 24 and he is 29. We have her every Saturday and Sunday and she spends the night. He had her when he was 19 so it is a bit different situation.
Quoting CampHarris:

How long have you been together?

What's the custody situation?  

How old are you both?

DISCLAIMER:  My ex in-laws (well, the ones that are still alive) are assholes and were through my 12-year marriage/15-year relationship, so I want to make sure my advice reflects YOUR situation, not mine.


tiafez
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:49 AM
1 mom liked this

I think they're afraid they'll be left in the dust. The've had her at their house when she visited up until you and he bought your home and they're worried they won't see her when you marry. Make sure you continue to lether spend time with them and keep any future presents a secret from them too. I think they'll cool it once they feel secure. Another thing that might help is reassuring them in a playful manner "oh you know we'd miss you too much if we didn't visit" or "you can't get rid of us that easy" or even "think how much fun it will be to come to our house for supper and not have to do all the work". Time will probably heal this, just make sure you don't turn it into a war.

luckyinlife
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this
It has nothing to do with you. He very likely let his Mom "raise" his DD while living with her and now she likely feels pushed out and unappreciated. I have seen this happen in my family.

I highly suggest that 1 don't take it personal 2 remember it's his problem to fix and 3 make sure you don't fall into the same trap and make him parent his DD 100% of the time. Otherwise in a few years you will be the one feeling upset and unappreciated.
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