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Becoming a stepmom at a young age?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:32 PM
  • 39 Replies
I have been in a relationship for around a year with my current boyfriend. I am 22 with no children and he is 36 with 3 children at the ages of 1, 5, 9. I have never met his kids before and he is getting custody soon, thursday- monday every other week. (in the past he has just been doing visitations at his ex's house) For me and my age this is a huge life change. I was wandering if anyone could tell me what day to day activity would be like? And if some people are just not okay with becoming a step mom? Him having two older kids doesnt worry me. Him having a 1 year old with another woman is what i worry about most. How do you cope with your spouce holding another womans child? Will there be any room for me? will i be an outsider? will it still be as special when i have a child? Non of this comes from a bad place, i just want an idea if i should remove myself from this relationship before meeting his kids.
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:32 PM
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whatIknownow
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:47 PM
2 moms liked this

You arent' becoming a stepmom. You are dating a man with kids. You are the girlfriend of a man with kids.

Why not just date him when he doesnt' have his kids? I don't see how this should be life-changing for you. He will only have them every other weekend.

oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:48 PM
3 moms liked this
To answer some of your questions honestly and fairly: yes, as a SM to some degree you are always on the outside of this ready made family. It isn't the ex-wife, per se, it just that he has a family, of several kids that are there and stay there, before you arrived and after you arrived on the scene. There is a family with already established parenting patterns and dynamics of relating that you will just have to accept. So there is a lot of responsibility to be flexible and adapt. The ex-wife never does go away, even if she leaves you and him perfectly alone she is still front and center in the kids lives. I hear about BM probably daily from my SKs (who DH has custody of) if not multiple times a day. My older two have cell phones, they talk to her any time they want. Really it's how it should be, a kid should have as much free access to a parent in a divorce situation as they want. As a SM if you can't handle that reality for you, that's when you know to move on to a relationship with a man without kids. Those are just the realities of being with a man with kids.
charlotte11
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:54 PM

We live together

whatIknownow
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 6:59 PM
1 mom liked this

oh, I see.

Well in that case, I guess you will have to be there as he learns how to take care of his kids. My advice is, let him figure it out on his own. It is important for him to learn parenting skills. It is also important for the older kids to have lots of alone-time with their father.

And yes, you are on the outside of their family. Over time, gradually, after you get to know them, you might feel more like a part of their family.

When as the divorce final?

Why did it take this long for him to get overnight visits?

Quoting charlotte11:

We live together


Loveamom
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:01 PM
If you have been dating him a year and have never met the kids...even if he gets the custody days that you spoke about then it should be a very slow process to be introduced to them. They are already having an upcoming big change, you should wait until they are settled in the one change that will be court ordered..the time with dad. Once that is settled then slowly have dad introduce you.. A group hello on the phone, a Facetime smile, then maybe meet them after those go well.
Loveamom
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:02 PM
Why have they been doing visits at moms? Does he not have a car and license?
oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:06 PM
1 mom liked this
You honestly ask very fair questions. I cannot answer by telling you what to do...I can answer by sharing a "second wife" experience for you to just think about how you would handle.

This really happened between DH and I. I honestly don't remember how exactly the conversation came up but we were talking about being supportive of an ill spouse and what that would look like. Now my DH really is a big tease and prankster. We were talking about men and women and how they handle being sick so differently. I'm a nurse and also used to caring for others. I was teasing him about what a baby he is when he is sick, he wouldn't disagree incidentally. Well, without thinking about how it would impact me to hear such intimate details he told me about BM and how bad her morning sickness was with her pregnancies and how one morning he inadvertantly made her a breakfast that lead to her worst vomiting with any of her pregnancies. I really didn't want to hear about him and her and their pregnancies. I also can't get mad at him about simply sharing his very real life experience with me. In the moment I blew it off. At a later time we had a gentle talk about how t affected me to hear intimate details of things that happened between he and BM and how I did not want that shadow in my life. He doesn't bring her up anymore. If he has a memory cross his mind it does so quietly unknown to me. As the years have gone by and we have made our own, I know memories with her have faded and gone further back isn't he dats banks if you will. I could live with this. As a younger woman, I would not recommend it. No young 22 year old should have to. You should find a young man with no shadows you have to fight your way out of to carve out your place in his life.
charlotte11
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:36 PM

He has not been divorced for long. I honestly started dating him in the middle of hs divorce, and yes i regret the timing of it. 

At first we were just casually dating and i didnt think of it as something serious enough to think about hs kids being a part of my life at the time. A few months ago we experienced a miscarriage that left both of us very hurt. Ever sence that experience i have had some resentment toward his children while also feeling like i NEED to have children with him. I feel bad saying that i resent them because they are so young and it isnt right for me to feel that. But overall this is how i was left feeling.

whatIknownow
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:48 PM

So how long after the divorce proceedings started, did you begin dating him?

Things have moved fast for you. You've been dating a year, you've already had a miscarriage "a few months ago" so you accidentally got pregnant very early in the relationship. I am sure you know that another pregnancy would be a huge mistake and I am sure you are being more careful now.

His kids need to get used to Dad living away from Mom. It takes time. Let them repair their bond. Then, maybe at some point, you can gradually become more involved. But it could take years. 

If I were you I would focus on my own life while your boyfriend rebuilds his relationships with his kids. Maybe go to school, focus on your career, friends, hobbies, etc. While his kids are visiting, be "daddy's nice girlfriend." Be pleasant and kind. Make cookies, color with them, things like that. Let them get to know you. I'm sure they will like you. Let dad take care of all the actual parenting.

Quoting charlotte11:

He has not been divorced for long. I honestly started dating him in the middle of hs divorce, and yes i regret the timing of it. 

At first we were just casually dating and i didnt think of it as something serious enough to think about hs kids being a part of my life at the time. A few months ago we experienced a miscarriage that left both of us very hurt. Ever sence that experience i have had some resentment toward his children while also feeling like i NEED to have children with him. I feel bad saying that i resent them because they are so young and it isnt right for me to feel that. But overall this is how i was left feeling.


Loveamom
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 7:51 PM
Sorry for your loss. I am sure you are hurting. It is not the kids fault though. And just a suggestion...once in time when you meet the kids, see if dad is the type of dad you would want for your own baby..give it at least a year. Hugs



Quoting charlotte11:

He has not been divorced for long. I honestly started dating him in the middle of hs divorce, and yes i regret the timing of it. 

At first we were just casually dating and i didnt think of it as something serious enough to think about hs kids being a part of my life at the time. A few months ago we experienced a miscarriage that left both of us very hurt. Ever sence that experience i have had some resentment toward his children while also feeling like i NEED to have children with him. I feel bad saying that i resent them because they are so young and it isnt right for me to feel that. But overall this is how i was left feeling.

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