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Childless stepmom in need of advice or support! Anything just help!

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:06 PM
  • 32 Replies
I'm new to the whole support forums and I am looking to speak someone immediately. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind and my heart is in a million pieces. I'm 29 and have been with BF for three years and we are engaged to be married soon. I have put it off and changed dates so many times. He has an 8 yr old little girl. I have no kids of my own but want to after we get married. Im not an actual step mom but I'm basically one and will be a legal one this summer. The BM hates me and tells my SD lies about me that she believes and that makes her treat me horrible. I love her so much. It's very long and complicated so I'm not going to type every single thing. Being a step parent is so hard. Emotionally debilitating. I need to talk to another step mom because I'm actually thinking it would be better if I wasn't in this relationship.
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:06 PM
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codysara
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:14 PM
You deserve happiness, and unfortunately the actions of bm and sd may never change. What does your fiancé say about the issues? (Assuming he knows since you have stalled the wedding date repeatedly)
chanizen
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:25 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm not sure why this is emotionally debilitating.

Bm doesn't like you. Ok. Lots of people like it don't like me. I'm not hanging my happiness on their opinion. Lots of people do like me. I'm more likely to listen to them.

She "tells your ss lies". First, how do you know? Do you hear her directly saying this stuff or hear it second hand. I always suspect second hand info from kids. They aren't reliable reporters all the time.

But even assuming this is true and Bm does say things. You have a few paths: demonstrate the reality of you being a nice person by..... Being a nice person. Ignoring things that aren't important or gently correcting the statements. Or you could leave.

What lies is Bm telling? How long have Bm and dh been divorced? What is your boyfriend doing about this mess? What is the custody situation?
HandMsmith
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 8:33 PM
He tells me that I'm amazing with her and just to keep doing what I'm doing. My SD and I have had a few bumps but for the most part she most of the time prefers to hang out with me and do girly things. We really have had a very loving fun and good behaved. It's her mother and her age. Her mother says bad and has said horrible things to her about me. So when she comes back she would be disrespectful and an ungrateful brat. I love her but she acts like one. For awhile she would just tell me and we would talk about it and it seemed she didn't care what her mother was saying about me. That lasted a good year. I know this is the start of the sassy and attitude with being an 8 year old. So this is what I don't understand now when she comes she doesn't tell me and she's hateful and rude. But she says she gets mad at me when I do anything that doesn't have to do with her. I can't say another child is cute or pretty not even my nephew. She gets so upset and is evil to me. She is very possessive over me and gets jealous insanely easy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's crazy. I do not have children but we do want to after we are married. I try so hard to be kind and nice to her mother. I have always taken the high road. Her mother is insane. That's a whole other story. The fact of the matter is I respect her mother and if she tells me she doesn't want me to do something because of crossing the mother boundary I don't do it. I want my SD to see that and learn from me. I'm going nuts though. My SD is getting worse and I can't say anything to her mother. Her mother has made my SD not like me and not want me to marry her father and tells her I'm mean to her and I took her family away. That I gave stolen from her and I want her dead. All kinds of stuff. It's just getting to be too much.
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:26 PM
2 moms liked this
ok.

What if instead of pushing so hard with a relationship- trying to win this kid over- let dad do daddy daughter stuff?

Quoting HandMsmith: He tells me that I'm amazing with her and just to keep doing what I'm doing. My SD and I have had a few bumps but for the most part she most of the time prefers to hang out with me and do girly things. We really have had a very loving fun and good behaved. It's her mother and her age. Her mother says bad and has said horrible things to her about me. So when she comes back she would be disrespectful and an ungrateful brat. I love her but she acts like one. For awhile she would just tell me and we would talk about it and it seemed she didn't care what her mother was saying about me. That lasted a good year. I know this is the start of the sassy and attitude with being an 8 year old. So this is what I don't understand now when she comes she doesn't tell me and she's hateful and rude. But she says she gets mad at me when I do anything that doesn't have to do with her. I can't say another child is cute or pretty not even my nephew. She gets so upset and is evil to me. She is very possessive over me and gets jealous insanely easy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's crazy. I do not have children but we do want to after we are married. I try so hard to be kind and nice to her mother. I have always taken the high road. Her mother is insane. That's a whole other story. The fact of the matter is I respect her mother and if she tells me she doesn't want me to do something because of crossing the mother boundary I don't do it. I want my SD to see that and learn from me. I'm going nuts though. My SD is getting worse and I can't say anything to her mother. Her mother has made my SD not like me and not want me to marry her father and tells her I'm mean to her and I took her family away. That I gave stolen from her and I want her dead. All kinds of stuff. It's just getting to be too much.
PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:47 PM
I would suggest having zero contact with BM. Don't talk to her, don't go to drop offs, and tell your DH you don't want to hear about her complaints. It will make your life easier. You don't have to deal with her, your DH does.

As for your SD, just be kind to her. If she is acting up because of BM just ignore her. Let DH take care of her. Kids look for reactions from adults and when they don't get one they stop their nonsense.
BHLF4
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:52 PM
4 moms liked this
There are a lot of contradictions here. It makes it very difficult to be able to give you any kind of advice. In one sentence, you say she's really fun and loving and we'll behaved, in the next sentience you say she's evil and hates you and doesn't want you to marry Herr father, then you say she's very jealous and possessive of you and doesn't want to share you at all. Based off this, I would say therapy may be a huge help. Possibly individual therapy, and some family type therapy to help aid in blending the family.

It's good that your fiancee is supporting you. Not every spouse (or soon to be spouse) doors. How does he react when she is disrespectful or mean to you? How does he react when she shows her possessiveness? What about when she talks about not wanting you to get married?
chanizen
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:56 PM
1 mom liked this
First: you didn't answer my question. How do you know what Bm says to her child? I mean, you haven't bugged her home or anything, right? My ss has said all sorts of thing about what "Bm says". In his case (he has RAD) it is a complete and total lie. Sometimes kids say things to get sympathy or to play our fears or because it is easy to say someone else said something when really they are saying it. Has your husband spoken to Bm about it to find out what her deal is?

Second: did you start a relationship with your boyfriend while he was with Bm? What does Bm mean "you took her family away"? Did you mess around with custody? Kill her dog? Interfere with her relationship with her daughter

Also, I wouldn't call kids names like "ungrateful brat". It often doesn't go well in this forum and it will color people's responses towards you.

By the way, if you use the "quote" button, it's easier for people to see your responses

Quoting HandMsmith: He tells me that I'm amazing with her and just to keep doing what I'm doing. My SD and I have had a few bumps but for the most part she most of the time prefers to hang out with me and do girly things. We really have had a very loving fun and good behaved. It's her mother and her age. Her mother says bad and has said horrible things to her about me. So when she comes back she would be disrespectful and an ungrateful brat. I love her but she acts like one. For awhile she would just tell me and we would talk about it and it seemed she didn't care what her mother was saying about me. That lasted a good year. I know this is the start of the sassy and attitude with being an 8 year old. So this is what I don't understand now when she comes she doesn't tell me and she's hateful and rude. But she says she gets mad at me when I do anything that doesn't have to do with her. I can't say another child is cute or pretty not even my nephew. She gets so upset and is evil to me. She is very possessive over me and gets jealous insanely easy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's crazy. I do not have children but we do want to after we are married. I try so hard to be kind and nice to her mother. I have always taken the high road. Her mother is insane. That's a whole other story. The fact of the matter is I respect her mother and if she tells me she doesn't want me to do something because of crossing the mother boundary I don't do it. I want my SD to see that and learn from me. I'm going nuts though. My SD is getting worse and I can't say anything to her mother. Her mother has made my SD not like me and not want me to marry her father and tells her I'm mean to her and I took her family away. That I gave stolen from her and I want her dead. All kinds of stuff. It's just getting to be too much.
HandMsmith
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 9:57 PM
We get her every other weekend and they have joint custody. He is supposed to get her more but they have to agree on it and she never does. I have pushed that daddy daughter stuff and they do something every other time but she wants me to come. This past year she would cry if I left the house to go anywhere or if I just wanted her and her dad to be one on one. She has always told me everything, all her secrets, anything bad or good before she would tell her dad and she never confided in her mother. Every other Friday when she calls it secret girl time. That's when she tells me or ask me anything. I don't pry. I've never said a bad thing about her mother in front of her or when she's with us. I do believe that some things she says she's says she makes up. The ones I know are things she has said to me or things she has been telling Madi since the beginning. I don't have a child so that is another reason why I respect her mother and her wishes. I do my best to think and put myself in her shoes and try to understand. I just don't understand why my SD acts this way towards me but gets that way too if I give any attention to anyone or too much of anything. I have a nephew. I can't even talk about him.
HandMsmith
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2016 at 10:10 PM
I'm sorry I don't know how to do the quote thing. Yea I know it's extremely contradictory. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time. I can't make even a little sense of it because it doesn't make any. I don't have experience dealing with any other children in this situation so I can't compare or maybe figure some of it out. I mainly just said she acted like one, I didn't call her that. Where I live that word is common vocabulary. My apologies if I offended anyone.
chanizen
by on Jan. 31, 2016 at 10:18 PM
Ok. So some of this maybe a child figuring out a new relationship. Honestly, I think the "secret girl time" is a little wierd. It makes me wonder if she is playing you a bit. She may be telling her mother similar "secrets".

But what is bm's justification for saying you took her family away? People don't just say that. Usually they say "she took my family away" by doing x y or z. So what is the "story" Bm is telling about how you took her family away?

Quoting HandMsmith: We get her every other weekend and they have joint custody. He is supposed to get her more but they have to agree on it and she never does. I have pushed that daddy daughter stuff and they do something every other time but she wants me to come. This past year she would cry if I left the house to go anywhere or if I just wanted her and her dad to be one on one. She has always told me everything, all her secrets, anything bad or good before she would tell her dad and she never confided in her mother. Every other Friday when she calls it secret girl time. That's when she tells me or ask me anything. I don't pry. I've never said a bad thing about her mother in front of her or when she's with us. I do believe that some things she says she's says she makes up. The ones I know are things she has said to me or things she has been telling Madi since the beginning. I don't have a child so that is another reason why I respect her mother and her wishes. I do my best to think and put myself in her shoes and try to understand. I just don't understand why my SD acts this way towards me but gets that way too if I give any attention to anyone or too much of anything. I have a nephew. I can't even talk about him.
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