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Their custody arrangement is whack

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2016 at 12:18 AM
  • 12 Replies
Hi, this is only the second time I have posted in this group, and the first time was quite awhile ago. Alot has happened since then but the gist is that this year has been the first year in the 7 years we have been married that none of my stepkids have been living with us. Due to an opportunity that came up for us to move closer to BM, DH decided to allow the kids to live with her this year since we anticipated moving mid school year. Long story short, that opportunity was lost and we will be staying put. Not only that but BM is now the one that plans to move this year, luckily it will be closer to us, but still a 4 hour drive away. Anyway, a formal custody agreement is pretty much nonexistent and they have basically reverted to determining living arrangements on a year to year basis. I think we all know that it's not ideal, but due to several factors that's what it's become. So the latest news is that my SS 11 is failing all of his classes and is at a high risk of behind held back next year. He also has been dealing with a lot of anxiety and his therapist says he is pretty severely depressed. He had alot of the same issues last year but much less severe, he had some mild anxiety around his schoolwork and struggled to keep up in math. But BM called the other day and proposed that they pull him out of school and do some kind of online schooling for SS for the rest of the year. She also mentioned the idea of SS coming back here for the remainder of this school year and likely moving back with us for next school year since that's what SS wants. I don't really know what to think anymore, these poor kids have moved so much that it's become the norm for them, but how long will this go on? Not to mention, BM and her DH don't know if they will be able to settle in to their new location in time for any of the kids to live with her next year. The two youngest kids both want to live with DH but the oldest is close with her mom and would likely prefer to stay with her. It's complicated and messy I know, and both parents are at fault, but what can we do now to help stabilize these kids lives?
by on Mar. 22, 2016 at 12:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
jpickens
by Gold Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 12:26 AM
All of this depends on what your husband wants to do. I agree, stability is best but he has to want that bad enough to the point of getting it in writting and signed by a judge.

How does he feel about it?
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Mar. 22, 2016 at 4:24 AM
1 mom liked this
OP I had to chuckle at your title for this post. Not because it was funny per se, but because it's legit.

I'm gonna say what I'd probably say to anyone, and what I've learned.

It's all in your husbands court. What can "we" do? It's what your husband is willing to do. Somebody has to be "consistent" and somebody has to "flexible" -somebody meaning parents- not step- to prevent the kiddos living like nomads year to year.

You- you can roll with dads play. You can voice your concerns. What actually happens though, is up to the parents. don't nag. Don't force your opinions. Lay em out like an adult. And if the status quo doesn't change- I.e- DH doesn't go for a real CO- then shake your head and pray for the best. It's not for you to fix. It's up to the parents. And if dad is completely ok with it, as whack as it is- oye vey. Don't break your brain over it.

You? What can you do? When you are around this kid, compassion and loving kindness. Read up on kids with social anxiety. Be a loving extension of dad. If he's dropping the ball, and you think his way is not working... enlist help of someone else that he may listen to. For me, it's MIL. For you, it can be someone else. I don't know .

As frustrating as it is, it's out of your hands. You are not powerless, but you can't make the parents have a more stable arrangement. You can, however, gently work on your husband. Try to be as objective as possible. And after you state your case- in a loving adult way- drop it. Don't dwell on it, don't obsess over it, put it on shelf in your head. Focus on the things in your life you can positively control and change- and reinforce healthy boundaries.

Good luck, OP.
Pristinebay
by Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 10:28 AM
I'm actually totally on board with what your saying, and I guess my post was more of a vent then a question. I actually like that I'm not in control of the living situation for kids, because that's a burden I wouldnt want to have. However, I must say, both parents have always desired and considered my opinion quite a bit since I was the kids primary financial supporter for years. Not to say I earned being listened to or anything. Anyway, I agree with your advice on dealing with my SS and luckily him and I have great relationship, I think I just feel somehow responsible and guilty for all he has been through even though logically I know its not my fault. I suppose all I can do now is just wait and see what happens, then just go with it.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: OP I had to chuckle at your title for this post. Not because it was funny per se, but because it's legit.

I'm gonna say what I'd probably say to anyone, and what I've learned.

It's all in your husbands court. What can "we" do? It's what your husband is willing to do. Somebody has to be "consistent" and somebody has to "flexible" -somebody meaning parents- not step- to prevent the kiddos living like nomads year to year.

You- you can roll with dads play. You can voice your concerns. What actually happens though, is up to the parents. don't nag. Don't force your opinions. Lay em out like an adult. And if the status quo doesn't change- I.e- DH doesn't go for a real CO- then shake your head and pray for the best. It's not for you to fix. It's up to the parents. And if dad is completely ok with it, as whack as it is- oye vey. Don't break your brain over it.

You? What can you do? When you are around this kid, compassion and loving kindness. Read up on kids with social anxiety. Be a loving extension of dad. If he's dropping the ball, and you think his way is not working... enlist help of someone else that he may listen to. For me, it's MIL. For you, it can be someone else. I don't know .

As frustrating as it is, it's out of your hands. You are not powerless, but you can't make the parents have a more stable arrangement. You can, however, gently work on your husband. Try to be as objective as possible. And after you state your case- in a loving adult way- drop it. Don't dwell on it, don't obsess over it, put it on shelf in your head. Focus on the things in your life you can positively control and change- and reinforce healthy boundaries.

Good luck, OP.
Pristinebay
by Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 10:47 AM
My husband wants whatever is best for each of the kids, the problem is sometimes know what that is. He believes his son is better off with us for the most part but moving him around in the middle of the school year is a big deal. He plans to contact the school district to see what they can do if SS comes, considering that he is currently failing his grade.

Quoting jpickens: All of this depends on what your husband wants to do. I agree, stability is best but he has to want that bad enough to the point of getting it in writting and signed by a judge.

How does he feel about it?
Loveamom
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:01 AM
Has DH and BM had a family meeting and asked the kids their thoughts?
Pristinebay
by Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:08 AM
Well due to the distance between us, a sit down meeting between them would be difficult to do. However, BM has admitted, and we are well aware that the two youngest kids want to live with us. We are both perfectly ok with them coming back, however, and I know it should be a deciding factor, but they those two do not get along at all. I mean it's constant bickering, arguing and fighting between them and I honestly think they could use a break from eachother. So in that sense I think it may be good for SS to come out here early.

Quoting Loveamom: Has DH and BM had a family meeting and asked the kids their thoughts?
Loveamom
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:10 AM
I think due to the severity a meeting half way would be proper or a phone or p
FaceTime meeting

quote name="Pristinebay" id="0"] Well due to the distance between us, a sit down meeting between them would be difficult to do. However, BM has admitted, and we are well aware that the two youngest kids want to live with us. We are both perfectly ok with them coming back, however, and I know it should be a deciding factor, but they those two do not get along at all. I mean it's constant bickering, arguing and fighting between them and I honestly think they could use a break from eachother. So in that sense I think it may be good for SS to come out here early.

Quoting Loveamom: Has DH and BM had a family meeting and asked the kids their thoughts?
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:15 AM
This kitty's tail when up when I read:

"Since I was the kids primary financial supporter for years"

Please elaborate.

Quoting Pristinebay: I'm actually totally on board with what your saying, and I guess my post was more of a vent then a question. I actually like that I'm not in control of the living situation for kids, because that's a burden I wouldnt want to have. However, I must say, both parents have always desired and considered my opinion quite a bit since I was the kids primary financial supporter for years. Not to say I earned being listened to or anything. Anyway, I agree with your advice on dealing with my SS and luckily him and I have great relationship, I think I just feel somehow responsible and guilty for all he has been through even though logically I know its not my fault. I suppose all I can do now is just wait and see what happens, then just go with it.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: OP I had to chuckle at your title for this post. Not because it was funny per se, but because it's legit.

I'm gonna say what I'd probably say to anyone, and what I've learned.

It's all in your husbands court. What can "we" do? It's what your husband is willing to do. Somebody has to be "consistent" and somebody has to "flexible" -somebody meaning parents- not step- to prevent the kiddos living like nomads year to year.

You- you can roll with dads play. You can voice your concerns. What actually happens though, is up to the parents. don't nag. Don't force your opinions. Lay em out like an adult. And if the status quo doesn't change- I.e- DH doesn't go for a real CO- then shake your head and pray for the best. It's not for you to fix. It's up to the parents. And if dad is completely ok with it, as whack as it is- oye vey. Don't break your brain over it.

You? What can you do? When you are around this kid, compassion and loving kindness. Read up on kids with social anxiety. Be a loving extension of dad. If he's dropping the ball, and you think his way is not working... enlist help of someone else that he may listen to. For me, it's MIL. For you, it can be someone else. I don't know .

As frustrating as it is, it's out of your hands. You are not powerless, but you can't make the parents have a more stable arrangement. You can, however, gently work on your husband. Try to be as objective as possible. And after you state your case- in a loving adult way- drop it. Don't dwell on it, don't obsess over it, put it on shelf in your head. Focus on the things in your life you can positively control and change- and reinforce healthy boundaries.

Good luck, OP.
Pristinebay
by Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:34 AM
For the first 6 years of our marriage my husband had just left the military and since I had my career already going he took some time to get his bachelor's degree. After he graduated it took some time for him to get a job in his field, he worked but only made a fraction of my salary. Meanwhile all 3 of the kids lived with us while BM moved away and got married. She did not pay CS or help with expenses at all through those years. Things are more balanced now, DH has a good job and BM's husband supports thier household and whatever kids are living with them. We don't pay CS but pay for the kids lunches and extracurriculars. BTW, there has never been a CS order and they never really followed thier initial custody agreement. I know a lot of people are taken aback by such a fluid arrangement but as long as the kids get what they need that's all that matters to us.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: This kitty's tail when up when I read:

"Since I was the kids primary financial supporter for years"

Please elaborate.

Quoting Pristinebay: I'm actually totally on board with what your saying, and I guess my post was more of a vent then a question. I actually like that I'm not in control of the living situation for kids, because that's a burden I wouldnt want to have. However, I must say, both parents have always desired and considered my opinion quite a bit since I was the kids primary financial supporter for years. Not to say I earned being listened to or anything. Anyway, I agree with your advice on dealing with my SS and luckily him and I have great relationship, I think I just feel somehow responsible and guilty for all he has been through even though logically I know its not my fault. I suppose all I can do now is just wait and see what happens, then just go with it.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: OP I had to chuckle at your title for this post. Not because it was funny per se, but because it's legit.

I'm gonna say what I'd probably say to anyone, and what I've learned.

It's all in your husbands court. What can "we" do? It's what your husband is willing to do. Somebody has to be "consistent" and somebody has to "flexible" -somebody meaning parents- not step- to prevent the kiddos living like nomads year to year.

You- you can roll with dads play. You can voice your concerns. What actually happens though, is up to the parents. don't nag. Don't force your opinions. Lay em out like an adult. And if the status quo doesn't change- I.e- DH doesn't go for a real CO- then shake your head and pray for the best. It's not for you to fix. It's up to the parents. And if dad is completely ok with it, as whack as it is- oye vey. Don't break your brain over it.

You? What can you do? When you are around this kid, compassion and loving kindness. Read up on kids with social anxiety. Be a loving extension of dad. If he's dropping the ball, and you think his way is not working... enlist help of someone else that he may listen to. For me, it's MIL. For you, it can be someone else. I don't know .

As frustrating as it is, it's out of your hands. You are not powerless, but you can't make the parents have a more stable arrangement. You can, however, gently work on your husband. Try to be as objective as possible. And after you state your case- in a loving adult way- drop it. Don't dwell on it, don't obsess over it, put it on shelf in your head. Focus on the things in your life you can positively control and change- and reinforce healthy boundaries.

Good luck, OP.
AM1011
by Bronze Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:49 AM
It all really depends on what Dh wants to do. But they really should be doing this through the court considering child support and all. And a judge doesn't like to split kids up. They really prefer the kids to be together. The only way my sds were split was with the understanding that they'd spend weekends and holidays together.

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