Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I feel guilty but I am having to take a step back

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2016 at 10:45 AM
  • 18 Replies

I am having to take a step back from my daughter.  Mentally I just dont know how much more I can take.  These last 6 months have been horrendous. I have been the "mother figure" since she was in kinder.  Before me it was my mother in law.  My mother in law has still always been a bog part so I guess you can say we "parented together" but thats another god awful story.  SD16 mom has never been a "mom".  Always in and out and officially out as of 3 years ago.  SD has been in and out of counseling.  She starts back up again. In the past year we have dealt with getting busted with stealing, drinking, I assume drugs, sleeping around, sneaking out, doesnt care at all about grades, pathological liar,,,even the smallest things, and wanting to leave because we are the worse people ever apparently. Not to mention the past 3 years have been such a struggle with grades.  She just down right doesnt care.

Sum up the last month.Well besides us checking her in a mental hospital (she had a melt down after a guy broke up with her) she has been sneaking guys in.  I caught one.  running down my stairs.  To this day she still will not admit he was there (apparently I am delusional  ).  He even came outside to apologize to me lol. Then shes back to not caring about school.  We had a breaking point and I told her fine.  Continue to go finish, drop out , get your GED but if you fail I am selling the car.  Currently failing 5 classes. But shes trying so hard we just dont understand (whatever).  Now yesterday.  Boyfriend broke up with her again and she wants to drop out of school and me home school her?  Hell no.  Currently she only has her phone at school so I can get ahold of her.  She works 3 hours a week.  Isn't allowed at home alone, Isn't allowed to watch my kids.  She says she is moving out and moving to Florida. Told her to have fun.  Ill help her plan it but she has to figure out how financially we are getting there.  She believes she can work the month before and shell save enough up.


There hasnt been a day in the past month I havnt cried because of her.  The stress at our house is so high.  I am scared for my marriage as I just do not know how much I can take.  I told DH I was stepping back.  He wasnt happy but I have two kids of my own to worry about.  I have done everything I can think of .  She is not willing to help herself.  I can only push so much.  She has been talking about dropping out and running away for awhile now. In Texas she can drop out at 17 (which shes almost there) and at 17 if they run away the cops will not make them come home. So I dont know what else or how else to help her at this point.  She is only happy when a guy is in her life.  Thats the only time she actually does school or talks about the navy or college.  The second that guy is out she doesnt get the point of life, and her life is so awful, and on and on. whenI found out about all the guys she has been sleeping with I told her she needed to have respect for herself.  She yelled that she does but sex is not important.  Basically implied its like saying hello. I know all above makes us seem like we dont parent.  But we do. She has just been such a strugle. 


 I might sound mean but I have dealt with this since 6th grade and it has only gotten worse.  I wish I could give her a reality check but the only one I know of is her being on her own.


by on Mar. 30, 2016 at 10:45 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:07 AM

what are her parents doing to help her?

mommyof3-2008
by Member on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:08 AM

Her mom checked out three years ago officially.  Never really been around.  Dad is trying...really hard.  Gets her to school talks to her about everything but nothing is sinking in.

Quoting tiafez:

what are her parents doing to help her?


luckyinlife
by on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:17 AM
3 moms liked this
Just let her take her GED test and help her find a job. If she can drop out anyway take the next best route to try and prevent her living on the streets as a teen. Sometimes you just have to let go of your plan and help your kids follow theirs. Obviously high school is not working out for her so why keep fighting it. Maybe she would do better just starting her adult life with still having living at home as a safety net. Help her plan out her goals and what she needs to accomplish each step. Let her know that she can save x money by her 18 birthday and you will drive her to Florida yourself if she just waits and saves for that goal.
XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:38 AM
3 moms liked this
I agree with this. I was a ton of trouble as a kid. I knew what I wanted and the more my mom pushed me to conform the more set in my ways I was - and the more right I felt about it. What saved me was my dad's support and understanding. He wasn't a push over, but he gave me good advice and support instead of commandments and ultimatums. He helped me determine my goals and work towards them safely, even if he didn't necessarily agree. Which, although I didn't realize it at the time, made me accountable to him and kept me somewhat in line.

SD sounds like she's had a hard time. She could probably use your support more than she needs to be controlled at this point.

Quoting luckyinlife: Just let her take her GED test and help her find a job. If she can drop out anyway take the next best route to try and prevent her living on the streets as a teen. Sometimes you just have to let go of your plan and help your kids follow theirs. Obviously high school is not working out for her so why keep fighting it. Maybe she would do better just starting her adult life with still having living at home as a safety net. Help her plan out her goals and what she needs to accomplish each step. Let her know that she can save x money by her 18 birthday and you will drive her to Florida yourself if she just waits and saves for that goal.
whatIknownow
by on Mar. 30, 2016 at 4:49 PM

You can step back or not step back, but what this girl needs is for her father to step UP. So if you stepping back helps him do that, then it's a good idea and in her best interest.

leah829
by Member on Mar. 30, 2016 at 5:08 PM

You probably can't make her do much.  However, a full psychological evaluation would be useful.  She may suffer from manic depression or some other mental disease.  I have to admit, I wonder.  If this is the case, I doubt she will improve until it is diagnosed and treated.

ALynn565
by Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 5:59 PM

 If she moves out at 17, then she will have to hit rock bottom, before she will understand about life... Do not help her financially, you will just be feeding the source. It is called tough love.. Sad but true! 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:50 PM
3 moms liked this

Were you "all in" when you got her years ago? This is a hell of a time to "back out". Many nuclear families go through this with their teen kids. They cannot just back out. You are either in....or your out.

whatIknownow
by on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:57 PM
3 moms liked this

yeah. Is this one of those cases where, when the child is cute and cuddly, it's "I'm her MOM TOO DAMMIT."

And then the teen years hit, and it's "oooohhhhh not my kid afterall... I'm stepping back."

Just SMDH. There is no way you can through to these women.

Quoting baparrot2:

Were you "all in" when you got her years ago? This is a hell of a time to "back out". Many nuclear families go through this with their teen kids. They cannot just back out. You are either in....or your out.


CrystalSapphire
by Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 7:18 PM
With her Mother not in her life, she feels abandoned and worthless. The glow of a new relationship lets her forget about those feelings for awhile. Then comes the break-up, and all those feelings of abandonment and worthlessness come flooding back. She's being left behind again. Emotions run high and they go up and down all the time.

Now, you're backing out, a constant in her life since she was 6. She will melt down, but this time she'll be away from her family, which can be highly dangerous.

Some women will tell you they were able to succeed after being given the freedom to leave as teenagers, but that's more an exception. Your SD has a lot of noise in her mind and she's vulnerable. Very easily, she could be taken advantage of. If a cruel man promises to love her forever, he will be able to keep her for whatever reason.

Unfortunately, these turbulent thought with frequent highs and lows could last a lifetime. Then, add in children.

She has to come to terms her Mother is gone and the SD didn't cause it. That's a monumental task. If you, your husband and her grandma can make that clear, she'll improve.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)