Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Visit time again- bracing myself

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:47 PM
  • 10 Replies

We decided to go out East over spring break at the last minute. BM will be taking the kids for two overnights.  This is more than she's done in years. ( background: I have SD11, SS10, and SD 9 and DH has had sole custody for 8 years. Before that CPS was involved. BM hasn't had custody at all since SD was 3 or 4 months old I've been in the picture since 2007. We have lived LD for the last 8. BM takes 0-2 nights per year of visitations when we set it up.  She hasn't called on her without a guilt trip from DH or the kids for over a year). I'm starting to brace for the visit. YSD has been on edge the last few weeks anyway. She always has major meltdowns after visits.  She does not do well when her routine is disrupted.  And she doesn't sleep on overnights. My poor sensory kid. BM is returning them the day we're driving all the way home.  It's going to be a horrible screaming mess for the whole 20 hour drive. there weren't other times we could do it because BM is starting school that week.

by on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:47 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
CampHarris
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 1:07 AM
I can relate. DF and I call it the *my ex's name* syndrome. He only sees them 2-3 times a year. And while now it isn't quite as bad as it was in the past, the kids still get antsy, emotional and clingy in the days and hours leading up to his visit.

Without fail. Even though they are 9 and 13 now.
ame4c
by Bronze Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:36 AM
I would question if it's in the beSt interest of the child to be spending unsupervised overnight with mom. Sounds like this needs to be at least supervised visits. Why is dad forcing something that is so tramatic that one kid can't even sleep when she's there. That's insane.
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 7:37 AM

Her visits are technically supervised, but we have loosely defined that to mean as long as her boyfriend is there. The reasons we really need it are gone now. She doesn't sleep on vacations or overnights with friends either. But that doesn't mean she shouldn't see her mom.  However the last time they did a two night overnight BM called to return YSD earlier.  


Quoting ame4c: I would question if it's in the beSt interest of the child to be spending unsupervised overnight with mom. Sounds like this needs to be at least supervised visits. Why is dad forcing something that is so tramatic that one kid can't even sleep when she's there. That's insane.


Loveamom
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 7:40 AM
1 mom liked this
I am surprised with overnights are allowed at this point with the great length of disconnect. When a parent chooses not to be activlly involved for long period, slow and steady visits won the race. Diving into overnights may not be the best for the kids. Mom could be doing phone calls, Skype, Facetime, letters, texting is a form of connect to the child or children
advomom05
by Bronze Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 10:51 AM
1 mom liked this
So you are going to the area that BM lives in to visit and she will have two overnights during the time you guys are there? Do I have that right?

If SD has that many issues with it and BM is not pushing the visitation, why is this happening at all? Seriously, why? Poor kid, that stuff is heartbreaking to read.
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:09 PM
That's what they are used to though. DH allows the overnights even though it's not in the CO. Mostly because it's easier for us. And the concerns that we had at that time are different than the ones we have now. They don't really see her as a parent. They see her as a relative they visit. So it's not much different than when I was a kid and my parents left me with my aunts that I only saw once a year and never talked to on the phone.

Quoting Loveamom: I am surprised with overnights are allowed at this point with the great length of disconnect. When a parent chooses not to be activlly involved for long period, slow and steady visits won the race. Diving into overnights may not be the best for the kids. Mom could be doing phone calls, Skype, Facetime, letters, texting is a form of connect to the child or children
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:19 PM
We stay with DH's family about 1 1/2 hours from where BM lives. She'll pick them up keep them for two nights and bring them back. SD has issues with everything not just BM. She wants to see her mom and the other kids do too. That's why we do it. All hell would break loose if we sent the two others and not her.

We have always strongly felt that we didn't want to do anything that would make it seem like we block the relationship with BM... Even though we believe she's a failure as a mother. So we set things up. Most times she cancels all or part of it. We make her tell them. Their expectations are very low. But they still want to spend time with her. So we do it even though it's usually a rough aftermath.


Quoting advomom05: So you are going to the area that BM lives in to visit and she will have two overnights during the time you guys are there? Do I have that right?

If SD has that many issues with it and BM is not pushing the visitation, why is this happening at all? Seriously, why? Poor kid, that stuff is heartbreaking to read.
Loveamom
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:39 PM
Oh I see. Did you have major melt downs after visits with your family? If it works for your family then it works.
quote name="Polkadotted" id="0"] That's what they are used to though. DH allows the overnights even though it's not in the CO. Mostly because it's easier for us. And the concerns that we had at that time are different than the ones we have now. They don't really see her as a parent. They see her as a relative they visit. So it's not much different than when I was a kid and my parents left me with my aunts that I only saw once a year and never talked to on the phone.

Quoting Loveamom: I am surprised with overnights are allowed at this point with the great length of disconnect. When a parent chooses not to be activlly involved for long period, slow and steady visits won the race. Diving into overnights may not be the best for the kids. Mom could be doing phone calls, Skype, Facetime, letters, texting is a form of connect to the child or children
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 6:45 PM
We have major meltdowns when the stuffed rabbit can't go into the store.
They are worse after seeing her mom though.


Quoting Loveamom: Oh I see. Did you have major melt downs after visits with your family? If it works for your family then it works.
quote name="Polkadotted" id="0"] That's what they are used to though. DH allows the overnights even though it's not in the CO. Mostly because it's easier for us. And the concerns that we had at that time are different than the ones we have now. They don't really see her as a parent. They see her as a relative they visit. So it's not much different than when I was a kid and my parents left me with my aunts that I only saw once a year and never talked to on the phone.

Quoting Loveamom: I am surprised with overnights are allowed at this point with the great length of disconnect. When a parent chooses not to be activlly involved for long period, slow and steady visits won the race. Diving into overnights may not be the best for the kids. Mom could be doing phone calls, Skype, Facetime, letters, texting is a form of connect to the child or children
Loveamom
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2016 at 7:08 PM
Well good luck :)


quote name="Polkadotted" id="0"] We have major meltdowns when the stuffed rabbit can't go into the store.
They are worse after seeing her mom though.


Quoting Loveamom: Oh I see. Did you have major melt downs after visits with your family? If it works for your family then it works.
quote name="Polkadotted" id="0"] That's what they are used to though. DH allows the overnights even though it's not in the CO. Mostly because it's easier for us. And the concerns that we had at that time are different than the ones we have now. They don't really see her as a parent. They see her as a relative they visit. So it's not much different than when I was a kid and my parents left me with my aunts that I only saw once a year and never talked to on the phone.

Quoting Loveamom: I am surprised with overnights are allowed at this point with the great length of disconnect. When a parent chooses not to be activlly involved for long period, slow and steady visits won the race. Diving into overnights may not be the best for the kids. Mom could be doing phone calls, Skype, Facetime, letters, texting is a form of connect to the child or children
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)