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Update on SD17 drama

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2016 at 1:51 PM
  • 23 Replies
So SD came back home on Monday from BM home. She hasn't said 1 word to me or my children. She speaks through her dad to ask questions... Is it wrong I love the silent treatment? I know we have to fix this because we can't go on like this forever... But-
by on Apr. 20, 2016 at 1:51 PM
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jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:21 PM
3 moms liked this

Could you post a link to the original post about SD and the issues you're having?  I haven't a clue what this update is about.  Thanks.

Boobear110
by Audra on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:32 PM

This 

Quoting jules2boys:

Could you post a link to the original post about SD and the issues you're having?  I haven't a clue what this update is about.  Thanks.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:40 PM

You must have deleted the original post.  Why?

Boobear110
by Audra on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:49 PM
1 mom liked this

http://www.cafemom.com/group/118667/forums/read/21215374/I_need_advice_My_step_daughter_is_driving_me_crazy?ct=search_grouppost


Think this his is it 

Quoting pdxmum:

You must have deleted the original post.  Why?


FloridaGrl11
by Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:49 PM
Oh I'm not sure how to do that. I may have even paired in the wrong section. Being new and learning stinks sometime lol

Quoting jules2boys:

Could you post a link to the original post about SD and the issues you're having?  I haven't a clue what this update is about.  Thanks.

Boobear110
by Audra on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:52 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you posted in another group first . 

Quoting FloridaGrl11: Oh I'm not sure how to do that. I may have even paired in the wrong section. Being new and learning stinks sometime lol
Quoting jules2boys:

Could you post a link to the original post about SD and the issues you're having?  I haven't a clue what this update is about.  Thanks.


FloridaGrl11
by Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 2:55 PM
Thank you!! I guess I did post in another group. Sorry ladies!

Quoting pdxmum:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/118667/forums/read/21215374/I_need_advice_My_step_daughter_is_driving_me_crazy?next=11

Clicky now

FloridaGrl11
by Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 3:09 PM
You guys are the best! Just FYI!
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 3:47 PM
2 moms liked this

Thank you pdx for posting the link and making it clicky.  :)  (thanks Boo for finding the link too!)

Being new is one thing, but not all of us are all over CM and not all of us follow members around to keep up with their histories.  It does help, even for longer time members on THIS board, to post a brief history when posting an update.  Just FYI and for future postings.  :)

(this will be long.  I'm naturally long winded.  Take what you want, leave the rest.  :) )

Ok, going solely by what you've written on the other board, and this 'update' here I'm going to say you never have 'loved her as your own'.  Your love is conditional towards her.  The condition that changed this was teenage rebellion.  I'm not placing blame, you are her SM, not her BP, and there is nothing wrong with conditional love for someone who is not fully 'yours', but to think that you loved her unconditionally but an act of rebellion (even a few acts of rebellion) could change that so signficantly is what tells me your love of her is conditional.  Own that much.  Own it for your SD13 as well.  One day she'll also rebel.  Perhaps in a different way, but she will.  Almost all teens do, it's part of the job description of being a teen.  Your own Bio kids will rebel as well, but your unconditional love for them will allow you to make excuses for it, see past it, love them despite them behaving like little shits sometimes, etc. 

I say this as a BM to ODS18 and YDS13. I love both of these boys unconditionally, no matter how shitty they or their attitudes may be at times.  I love them for who they will be one day (even when it's difficult to imagine that they'll live through 'today' if one of them opens his mouth again... LOL).  This too passes.  Thank goodness! 

Silent treatment?  I'd take it over yelling and screaming. 

As others pointed out on the other board, your problem is your DH.  This IS his problem to deal with, especially if he's going to lay blame in your lap after undermining your efforts to 'handle it on your own'.  HE is the major problem here.  Your SDs attitude and response are simply a symptom of the bigger issue.  Pur your marriage first.  Demand respect from this man and part of that respect is that he steps up to the plate and parents his child, corrects her behavior, stops giving in to her whims and tantrums, etc.  The rest of the world will NOT cater to her, it's better to teach that lesson at home where she'll have a soft (safe) place to land once reality kicks in a bit. If he doesn't, and you stay married to him, you'll end up in a home in 3 or 4 years with Your DDs at 12 and 16, his DD at 17, and his DD coming back home at 21... that won't be a calm or peaceful home either.  (a spoiled college kid and 2 - 3 girls in puberty!  I'd move out of state! ;) ). 

My suggestion would be to make a list for DH of the things you want to see in your family.  What will you accept and what will you no longer accept, from the minors in the home, as well as from him. 

SD17 doesn't like where you're going for dinner?  Fine.  She doesn't have to come along.  Keep PB&J (or bologna or something) in the house that she can make for herself without burning down the house and the rest of you go where you want.  She doesn't like the dogs name? Fine, SHE can call it whatever she wants, but the kid whose dog it is gets to name it.  (SD17s name for it can be the nickname or something).  She doesn't like what's being made for dinner?  Tomorrow night dinner is on HER.  From shopping for it to preparing it to cleaning up after it.  She wants to dictate it, let her be in charge!  (that one stopped my ODS18 pretty quickly when he was 14 and decided he wanted more 'control'... he does NOT want to cook or clean.  YDS13?  He loves to and he does cook sometimes.  I love it!  I don't have the dinner battles with him - he chooses different ones... sigh). 

You pick what are things you'll cave on a bit and what are things you won't cave on anymore. 

It's also likely that she's feeling the pressure and stress of being 17, nearing the end of HS, emotional about losing some friends in school, things weren't as 'rosy' as you feel they've been in your home, and she's acting out inappropriately.  Have DH sit down with her, or perhaps a family counselor would be a better, neutral party to do this with, and figure out what is at the root of all of this.  I know ODS18 (still in HS, graduates in a couple of months) felt this way at the end of last year/beginning of this year.  It's one thing to talk about growing up, going to college/getting a job, etc., but it's another when you realize that your support system (friends) aren't going 'with' you and you'll be starting over, on a big campus, without friends (or potentially without friends), and it's a big, scary world out there.  You said this is new behavior, I wonder if she's been thinking about the big changes coming her way and her fear is coming out in this manner?  Perhaps she's not ready to go?  Perhaps she has something else going on? 

If you've been a family for 3.5 - 4 years without issues, I think you were lulled into a false sense of well-being, if not from a stepfamily situation, then at least from a teen sitution.  My home isn't peaceful with ODS18 around, hasn't been since he hit about 14.  YDS13 is beginning his 'reign' of hormones, just as ODS is climbing out of it.. It sucks!   But, they're my kids and I love them, even when I'd like to toss them off a bridge!  ;)  You don't have that luxury with SD17.  You will when your girls reach this stage though, and they'll likely pick new and more interesting ways to rebel and surprise you.  :( 

Stick around here FLGirl, you'll learn a lot from the wonderful women on here.  Not all advice (including mine) will fit for every situation you post about, but if you take what does sound useful in your situation and give changes some time to take hold, you'll be in a better place... even if that better place is learning to let go and not care as much for certain things you can't control.  :) 

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