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Hello, Helloo!!

Posted by on Nov. 28, 2016 at 8:09 PM
  • 18 Replies
My name is Sheila. I just married the love of my life on the 18th! Ive been living with him over a year now and he has 3 children and full custody of all 3. Their mother and i get along okayish. Any advice for a new stepmom?
by on Nov. 28, 2016 at 8:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Nov. 29, 2016 at 2:38 AM
Welcome to the group.

Advice would be given based on what you're looking for advice on, specifically, rather than general advice. If things are relatively calm between the homes though, the best advice I'd offer is not to change anything, even if you think (feel, know, believe) you have a "better" way of doing things. If it (anything) bothers you but not dad, let it go.

How old are the kids? How often do the kids see BM? Do they (BF/BM) live close?
CampHarris
by Gold Member on Nov. 29, 2016 at 11:02 AM
6 moms liked this
Get a Bevmo club card and strap in, lol.
shiarhars
by Silver Member on Nov. 29, 2016 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this

How old are they kids? How often does bm see them? Is there any specific area you sick advice on?

Quoting MrsRuiz16: My name is Sheila. I just married the love of my life on the 18th! Ive been living with him over a year now and he has 3 children and full custody of all 3. Their mother and i get along okayish. Any advice for a new stepmom?


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 29, 2016 at 1:53 PM
1 mom liked this

let teh kids come to you. dont take over.

MrsRuiz16
by New Member on Dec. 8, 2016 at 10:36 PM
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So the advice i seek, is how to handle a situation where (dad) doesnt seem to have patience with me about my ignorance to parenting. Ummm also, how to deal with me feeling like he doesnt have anymore room left for me. Like sometimes we argue about how im trying to fit into this family with my ideas, my feelings, the way i thing things should be handled and even how the place is decorated. He is so used to being the only authority, that he is actually defensive!
luckyinlife
by on Dec. 9, 2016 at 9:47 AM
5 moms liked this
OK I am going to answer this and understand that in my situation I am the BP and my DH is the SP. When DH and I firtst started living together DD was a little over 2. So that's us.

The biggest mistake a non parent can make coming into an established family is jumping in all gun ho trying to change things. I am assuming that the kids in your switch are a bit older and your DH has his parenting established. The best thing to do as the new person into an established family is to take your DH lead. At any point have the two of you sat down and discussed how he wants things handled? The easiest way to approach the kids is know that you can create boundaries around things that effect you but if it doesn't effect you let it go. Use the babysitter test. Example, a baby sitter enforces a bed time but doesn't create a new one. I am not calling you a baby sitter but its a good reasonability guideline.

Remember that the SKs have two parents that are responsible for them and are use to their rules. Let your DH parent and you focus on being a good wife and be kind to the kids. You don't need to change them or try to leave a mark immediately. Let thing evolve naturally.

Eventually you all will find your rythem. I will tell you that had my DH jumped in and tried to change things it would have been catastrophic to our relationship. Instead he followed my lead. Now in my switch my DD was very young and BF disappeared. We flow as an intact family by default now because we have had 3 more kids together and because of DDs age, naturally that's how we evolved. Your family will most likely not look like that and that's OK. I would encourage you to find common ground and not have kids right away.

As far as decorating the home, meh just make little changes here are there. As time passes no one will even notice. I moves in with DH and did that. Eventually we moved and once that happened I pretty much took over, lol. But look at it from a kids perspective, a new person comes in with new rules and trying to change their home all while taking time away from them with their Dad they had all to themselves. That is a lot of changes.

Communicate with your DH, don't try to parent and change the SKs, decorate your room how you want but go easy on changing the main living area. You will be alright. Just remember it takes years to really blend and some families never do. I had probably the easiest blending situation and it still took about 3-4 years for DH and I to really come into our marriage and find our groove.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Dec. 9, 2016 at 12:07 PM
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I'm going to second what Lucky said.  You've been there a year, the kids have been there much longer than that.  You are the new one. Things were/are running smoothly for them, in their home, they aren't looking to change things.  

Did you and DH talk before you married, or before you moved in, about his expectations, and yours, once you were living there too?  Did you bring up that you'd want to change things?  Have you since then?  Or are you pushing changes on all of them that they don't see the need for? 

How old are his kids?  What sort of things do you think should be different from how they are now?  Why do you think your way is 'better'?  Have you asked how he got to this point and if your way has been 'tried' before? 

Joining an intact family isn't always easy, and it does take compromise on all sides, but if you push, you will meet with resistance and could cause hurt feelings. 

In my situation I am BM also.  XH and SM have been married more than 10 years now.  She came in and 'took over'.  This was met with much resistance from our boys (then in pre-school and early elementary school).  She still 'blased ahead' with her changes, and her ideas on how her 'family' should be.  10 years later, she has 2 stepsons who don't really speak to her, don't visit BF but maybe once a year (we live about 50 miles apart), don't even see BF when he's at xMILs home (his BMs home), and she lives 2 miles from me (we are still close, she and I are still good friends and we do a lot with her all of the time).  SMs pushing herself in and trying to make her family 'her way' didn't help this.  Would it have happened without her doing this?  I don't know, but it certainly didn't help things. 

Like Lucky said, focus on being his wife and let other things go.  Sit down and talk to DH about how you feel and ask for some compromises.  Make a list of things that are bothering you and prioritize them so you and he both know where to start, and what you can each bend a bit on. 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2016 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this

you arent required to parent at all. you can offer support to his choices and help but if you dont like how something is handled, the decision is ultimately his but you can talk about it.

try to plan time together. three kids is a lot and they have needs.

make sure he dont try to fashion you into mommy2.0 if that isnt what you want.

Quoting MrsRuiz16: So the advice i seek, is how to handle a situation where (dad) doesnt seem to have patience with me about my ignorance to parenting. Ummm also, how to deal with me feeling like he doesnt have anymore room left for me. Like sometimes we argue about how im trying to fit into this family with my ideas, my feelings, the way i thing things should be handled and even how the place is decorated. He is so used to being the only authority, that he is actually defensive!


 
        
         

MrsRuiz16
by New Member on Dec. 15, 2016 at 4:03 AM
Im not in a position where i can only concentrate on being a good wife, and not larent. Our closest babysitter is an hour away and doesnt drive, and thats my mother in law. I work 5am-130 he works 330-11. We dont get much down/alone time. I havent decorated anything in the house besides seasonal stuff. Ive tried hanging 2 pictures up but he moved them. Ive tried enforcing the rules n schedules he has set up, but he doesnt keep consistency... and thats what gets me. We have had many talks but it turns into a blame game. I moved from california to live in oregon with him. And before this, i lost a pregnancy with my ex at 22 weeks. As of right now, his 6 year old sucks her thumb everynight, doesnt wipe herself right after doing number 2 and whines n cries constantly. And she is just always wanting him to pick her up or be on top of him. The other 2, seem to be blending alot smoother. Bedtime for all 3 is 10pm and then later if no school, and play video games in bed. I dont agree and because i want to opt for 9pm bedtime, i get it thrown in my face that i need to take parenting classes.
MrsRuiz16
by New Member on Dec. 15, 2016 at 4:10 AM
Its to the point right now that i will try to calmly talk to him about things i dont agree on.. in our room with the dooe closed... n he gets instantly pissed n raises his voice and cusses at me. And the kids hear. I feel like i have no voice. And he says if im so unhappy, then leave him. Id venture to say im feeling bullied or used. I have no intent on being an evil stepmother. I just want a tiny bit more structure and consistency. Just to make my day a tad easier. He says that im not a parent so i dont know shit. Says i need parenting classes. But he himself has never taken them. He has been a parent since 19 years old. I think i know right feom wrong. But anytime i try to say anything about his kids behavior, he gets attitude if not fights me and undermines me. There is no united front here. The kids biomom lost custody for a legit reason.... and right now im just feeling so unappreciated
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