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Calling me mom

Posted by on Jun. 12, 2017 at 6:45 PM
  • 125 Replies

My stepson is 5 years old. My husband has had full and sole custody of him since he was 18 months old. When I picked him up from school today he said hi mom to me and it made me feel pretty good. His mom will never be involved in his life again she was a drug addict and is in prison now. She started doing drugs after my husband and her broke up. I'm now pregnant with our second child together.

by on Jun. 12, 2017 at 6:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
codysara
by Platinum Member on Jun. 12, 2017 at 7:20 PM
3 moms liked this
How long is bm's prison sentence?
Unless it's life in prison, stating she will never be in his life again is simply wishful thinking
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Jun. 12, 2017 at 7:23 PM

congratulations, I'm happy for you :)

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Jun. 13, 2017 at 1:14 AM
3 moms liked this
Normally I'd be like "even if mom is in prison she's still mom" but after what we went through with ACFS and BMs drug use, she's lucky she beat that felony.

So fuck it, he's five, he knows one woman as mom- like, the best you can do is try to explain it to him and call you mamma-first name..

Technically unless mom signed away her rights and you adopted him, she can do her bid, get out and expect shit to be kosher when she gets out (meaning- she gets her kid back and raises hell when she finds out things done changed when she was locked up).

So.. Try to get him to call you mama first name or something. Talk to dad and see how to handle this. It's not the kids fault moms locked up.
mrsd2013
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2017 at 6:02 PM
1 mom liked this
I think it's natural for a child that's 5 and going to school to want 'family' labels. Other kids at school say 'my mom did ____ '. Because you're the acting mom in his life, it's understandable.

Cody made a good point. If bm is in prison for a year or two or has a chance (no matter how slim) of returning to the picture (clean or now), I would tell you to evaluate the situation carefully. She probably won't like it. Which will put stress on your ss.

I speak from experience. My ds started calling me mom at 4. It causes allot of problems with bm. He still calls me mom but clarifies 'she my stepmom, I live with her, my dad and brothers' when needed.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 13, 2017 at 6:23 PM
1 mom liked this

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.

oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2017 at 7:08 PM
3 moms liked this
Unless mom is dead or leagslly lost ALL rights you cannot guarantee never. As a SM who started out with a BM who had major issue and was in and out of the picture and then turned it around completely and is a major now stable fixture for her children find your happy place as SM. Then you have a place of your own no one create conflict with in their position changes and nothing can be taken from you. Don't try to take a position or title that was/is never yours. Develop and cherish what is your place, an amazing SM. SMs are not evil, they can be beloved and an integral part of he family.
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Jun. 13, 2017 at 8:20 PM
"Expanding the definition of what it means to be a parent, especially for same-sex couples, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that a caretaker who is not related to, or the adoptive guardian of, a child could still be permitted to ask for custody and visitation rights."

I get what you are saying but the laws in the great (progressive) state of NY ruled otherwise.

And in my case ACFS followed suit. Something called "de facto parent" or some bullshit. And it's extended to stepmoms too I found. Even ex stepmoms.

You only get one bio mom. But in NY the definition of who is a parent is changing.

Quoting pdxmum:

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 13, 2017 at 10:36 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes. Of course.

I was being a tad more philosophical than legal.



Quoting pusheen-kitty: "Expanding the definition of what it means to be a parent, especially for same-sex couples, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that a caretaker who is not related to, or the adoptive guardian of, a child could still be permitted to ask for custody and visitation rights."

I get what you are saying but the laws in the great (progressive) state of NY ruled otherwise.

And in my case ACFS followed suit. Something called "de facto parent" or some bullshit. And it's extended to stepmoms too I found. Even ex stepmoms.

You only get one bio mom. But in NY the definition of who is a parent is changing.

Quoting pdxmum:

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.

snflwrgrl
by on Jun. 14, 2017 at 8:13 PM
1 mom liked this
It sounds like you and your husband are building a beautiful family together! <3 Your stepson calling you mom just shows that he feels a level of emotional attachment with you and I think that's wonderful!!! He is very lucky to have you! It's important for children to be given the freedom to choose the labels they are most comfortable with. In other words, they shouldn't be forced to call a stepparent "mommyā€¯ but I wouldn't scold them for doing it either. A more affectionate label like "mom" generally indicates that the child is growing more comfortable and trusting of the stepparent. :-) I remember reading a book that said labels can change with circumstances and as children grow. It gave an example of a child who just returned from a weekend with their dad explaining that the child may refrain from calling their stepdad "dad" for a few days after because they are missing their biological father. :( Once the sadness lessens, the usual label typically returns. Another example they gave was a child calling a stepparent "mom" unless their biological mom was physically in the room. The book said a child may pull back in that type of situation and may refer to the stepparent by their first name so they don't hurt their biological mom's feelings. It also said that young children often use loving terms like "daddy" and "mommy" very quickly, but may stop doing that once they reach adolescence. The change in label demonstrates the challenge the child feels in deciding just how close to hold the stepparent and how to balance loyalties to their biological parent. The book says in an ideal situation, the child is given permission to use whatever term they are comfortable with for their stepparent and that ultimately this permission must come from the biological parent. If your step-son's biological mother comes back into his life and is unwilling to give her permission for him to call you "mom," your husband may need to make sure that your step-son doesn't feel guilty about it. Your husband could say something like, "Look, I know this puts you in a tight spot between your mom and your stepmother. Apparently your mom isn't comfortable with you calling your stepmom "mom." I know this is tough for you. Whatever you want to do is okay with your stepmom and me. The most important thing is that we love you, not what you call us." I hope this helps. I'm happy for you and I'll be praying for you this week! Thank you for sharing your story.
LogansMom1113
by Member on Jun. 14, 2017 at 10:28 PM
My Sks call me Mama and their BM Mommy. They have for about 2 years and we have never had a problem.
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