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My stepson is 5 years old. My husband has had full and sole custody of him since he was 18 months old. When I picked him up from school today he said hi mom to me and it made me feel pretty good. His mom will never be involved in his life again she was a drug addict and is in prison now. She started doing drugs after my husband and her broke up. I'm now pregnant with our second child together.

by on Jun. 12, 2017 at 6:45 PM
Replies (111-119):
soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Jun. 24, 2017 at 2:25 AM
And you are not mother, do not have children, and unless I missed something have that in common with the OP. Her response to my adoption question was all I needed to know for confirmation for my opinion. A mother that supposedly has no rights yet there is hesitation to adopt? I've been on the side with a pretender mother to my son. Completely ridiculous. When the opportunity arose unlike the OP there was no hesitation not even a fucking blink of uncertainty. Even though my ex had a court order that would have been openly followed there was no question that my DH would choose to adopt. He signed that shit like it was fate. If you aren't willing to do that without anything then you aren't mom you are a pretender and that is unacceptable. The kid already had a mom who is not committed to being a mom he doesn't need two.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: So you are not a SM, don't have SK and have never been in anything near the OPs situation.

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Quoting soonergirl980: I have no fear and my children would never call anyone else mom. I'm married to their father so it's not a problem and if we ever divorced there would be no place for a new woman to be mom because I am their mother just as they wouldn't want other people to call me mom. I am neither insecure or selfish. My kids are my 100 percent priority and they known this there is no confusion as to who mom is in their life lol. They love plenty of other people so the idea that I wouldn't want them to love other people is ludicrous.

No he wouldn't be effected the same way because mom means more than dad's wife Jane. If it wasn't so important to be recognized SM wouldn't insist otherwise.


Quoting jkp027:

No matter if she is called Jane or Mom Jane, if they get a divorce in 5 years the chilld will still be effected the EXACT same way.  I'm sure the child hears his 1/2 sibling calling her mom which has led to him calling her mom.  She did not make the child call her mom, two very different situations.  You however cannot see past "I AM MOM, HEAR ME ROAR"  you are so afraid that your children might possibly care about someone else as much or more than you that you have made yourself into, well, YOU.  That's pathetic to me. I have no doubt in my mind that my children love me and will always love me no matter who my ex is with.  It does not bother me that they may love his gf, I am secure in their love for me.  You, quite frankly, are very insecure and selfish.  Maybe one day you can get past that. 

Quoting soonergirl980: Lol break their hearts lmao none of my kids were "heartbroken" over finding out Santa isn't real. It's just a cool tradition no different than a fairy tale I don't think most people are so dramatic about it because they know they weren't harmed by it otherwise they wouldn't do it for their kids.

Calling a person something is learned behavior. Calling her by her first name his whole life they child wouldn't know any different. You only call your mother mom because that is what you are taught to call her it is in no way instinct. If they teach the child growing up this Jane, jane loves you and does all these things for you because she care about you it does not hurt the child in any way.

What WILL hurt the the child is if 5 years if they get a divorce and she is no longer in his life then the child will have been abandoned by another mom. That will be way more damaging him than calling her Jane.


You don't earn being a mom you become a mom two ways by giving birth or adoption. Full stop end of story. She is NOT the child's mother and that is way more of a massive lie than pretending to believe in a make believe fairy tale. The child would know that if they cared at all about that child. Being called mom makes the ADULT feel better. A child taught that they are loved by the people in their lives doesn't care if it's Jane or Mom putting the pb&j on the table.


Quoting jkp027:

So you can justify lying to a child for years and knowing that you are going to break their heart when they find out the truth, yet it's not ok for a 5 year old who only knows that this woman takes care of him,  loves him like a mother, and that his mother is completely out of the picture for now, to call her mom.   Really?  That is a little hypocritical to me.  

I do agree that she should be called mom first name, but to look a five year old in the eye and say you can't call me that because I am not your mother, I just do everything that she does, and you love me like a mother and some control freak who is insecure of herself as a mother on a website said I was a horrible person for allowing you to do that, but let me just go ahead and set your little 5 year old butt straight right now, you can't call me that so now just go to your room and cry and I'm sure your 5yo mind will understand this.  That's screwed up.  

Oh and let me clarify something else 5yo child, while I'm breaking your 5yo heart that already is broken because your mom is in jail and you have no understanding of what is going on and you are trying to find your place in all of this and want to call me mom, please understand like a grown up that I will love you and be the best step mom I can be to you and try to take your pain away, but please do not treat me like your mother because clearly I am not.  

I'm sure he will understand all of that sooner.

Quoting soonergirl980: Are you really comparing imaginary creatures to actual real life people. That child has a mom and the op is not it. Mom might not ever come back but until her rights are terminated and op adopts there are so many psychological issues with allowing her to pretend to be mom.

Letting our children believe in an imaginary creature is not remotely the same thing.


Quoting jkp027: Do you participate in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

Quoting soonergirl980: Thanks for the reminder as to why New York is off the table to live in ever.


This child has already had one parent abandon her, and probably has the legal righ in the future should she clean up her act. Why should it be appropriate to have multiple people pretend to be her parent when they are not? What of the op divorces and no longer wants to be her "mom" that's TWO moms abandoning her. If mom truely has no rights op can adopt and then she will be mom before that it's all pretend and potentially very damaging to the kids.



And whoever you dealt with in "CPS" are idiots you are not a de facto parent and never wee. You were barely a EOWE spouse of a parent with kids. My parents don't even qualify for de facto parent of my niece and nephew and they were waaaaay more involved and financially responsible for them compared to what you have said in the past on this board.


Quoting pusheen-kitty: "Expanding the definition of what it means to be a parent, especially for same-sex couples, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that a caretaker who is not related to, or the adoptive guardian of, a child could still be permitted to ask for custody and visitation rights."

I get what you are saying but the laws in the great (progressive) state of NY ruled otherwise.

And in my case ACFS followed suit. Something called "de facto parent" or some bullshit. And it's extended to stepmoms too I found. Even ex stepmoms.

You only get one bio mom. But in NY the definition of who is a parent is changing.

Quoting pdxmum:

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.

ZippyLADY89
by New Member on Jun. 26, 2017 at 2:00 AM
That's amazing that means he sees and respects you as his mother!!! Congratulations for the new baby and if you and dh is OK with him calling you that let him know and he will keep it up.
ZippyLADY89
by New Member on Jun. 26, 2017 at 2:13 AM
And I just want to take a moment to respectfully disagree with some of the comments, my SD has called me mom science she was just starting to talk and even when bm and I are in the same room or going to the store or taking the kids to the park she still called both of us mom and let me get this straight you don't have the biefit of a dout that she will stay with dh forever and what if she doesn't your assuming she's going to abandon the sc......I have talked to bm about what would happen if dh and I broke up and I asked her if I would still be able to see SD if that ever happens and she said she would never not allow me to see her cause that wod be like taking one of her parents away. Yes there is possibility of shit happening and things not working out but let's look at the bottom line he respects her enough to call her mom that must mean something is going right.
hotspice58
by on Jun. 26, 2017 at 9:57 AM

Never say never.  She could clean up, get her act together and get visitation...  Not pro or anti, just the way it is.

hotspice58
by on Jun. 26, 2017 at 10:15 AM
2 moms liked this

Because people other than mommy are taking care of her.  Reality is: we all get one bio mother and father.  These bios aren't always the ones taking care of us.  Having the physical ability to produce children does not make someone a good parent nor does it give someone the ability to parent.

Quoting soonergirl980: Thanks for the reminder as to why New York is off the table to live in ever. This child has already had one parent abandon her, and probably has the legal righ in the future should she clean up her act. Why should it be appropriate to have multiple people pretend to be her parent when they are not? What of the op divorces and no longer wants to be her "mom" that's TWO moms abandoning her. If mom truely has no rights op can adopt and then she will be mom before that it's all pretend and potentially very damaging to the kids. And whoever you dealt with in "CPS" are idiots you are not a de facto parent and never wee. You were barely a EOWE spouse of a parent with kids. My parents don't even qualify for de facto parent of my niece and nephew and they were waaaaay more involved and financially responsible for them compared to what you have said in the past on this board.
Quoting pusheen-kitty: "Expanding the definition of what it means to be a parent, especially for same-sex couples, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that a caretaker who is not related to, or the adoptive guardian of, a child could still be permitted to ask for custody and visitation rights." I get what you are saying but the laws in the great (progressive) state of NY ruled otherwise. And in my case ACFS followed suit. Something called "de facto parent" or some bullshit. And it's extended to stepmoms too I found. Even ex stepmoms. You only get one bio mom. But in NY the definition of who is a parent is changing.
Quoting pdxmum:

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.


pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Jun. 26, 2017 at 1:53 PM
2 moms liked this
Whatever doll.
This is not a projection piece about your sob story with the ex.

This kid has a mom in prison. If you fuck up that much as a parent, you don't get to dictate what happens next, even if that means someone else calls a care giver mom.

Unless you had to deal with the fallout of a shitty mom, as a CSM you don't get it either.

Again, BTFO.

Quoting soonergirl980: And you are not mother, do not have children, and unless I missed something have that in common with the OP. Her response to my adoption question was all I needed to know for confirmation for my opinion. A mother that supposedly has no rights yet there is hesitation to adopt? I've been on the side with a pretender mother to my son. Completely ridiculous. When the opportunity arose unlike the OP there was no hesitation not even a fucking blink of uncertainty. Even though my ex had a court order that would have been openly followed there was no question that my DH would choose to adopt. He signed that shit like it was fate. If you aren't willing to do that without anything then you aren't mom you are a pretender and that is unacceptable. The kid already had a mom who is not committed to being a mom he doesn't need two.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: So you are not a SM, don't have SK and have never been in anything near the OPs situation.

πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

Quoting soonergirl980: I have no fear and my children would never call anyone else mom. I'm married to their father so it's not a problem and if we ever divorced there would be no place for a new woman to be mom because I am their mother just as they wouldn't want other people to call me mom. I am neither insecure or selfish. My kids are my 100 percent priority and they known this there is no confusion as to who mom is in their life lol. They love plenty of other people so the idea that I wouldn't want them to love other people is ludicrous.

No he wouldn't be effected the same way because mom means more than dad's wife Jane. If it wasn't so important to be recognized SM wouldn't insist otherwise.


Quoting jkp027:

No matter if she is called Jane or Mom Jane, if they get a divorce in 5 years the chilld will still be effected the EXACT same way.  I'm sure the child hears his 1/2 sibling calling her mom which has led to him calling her mom.  She did not make the child call her mom, two very different situations.  You however cannot see past "I AM MOM, HEAR ME ROAR"  you are so afraid that your children might possibly care about someone else as much or more than you that you have made yourself into, well, YOU.  That's pathetic to me. I have no doubt in my mind that my children love me and will always love me no matter who my ex is with.  It does not bother me that they may love his gf, I am secure in their love for me.  You, quite frankly, are very insecure and selfish.  Maybe one day you can get past that. 

Quoting soonergirl980: Lol break their hearts lmao none of my kids were "heartbroken" over finding out Santa isn't real. It's just a cool tradition no different than a fairy tale I don't think most people are so dramatic about it because they know they weren't harmed by it otherwise they wouldn't do it for their kids.

Calling a person something is learned behavior. Calling her by her first name his whole life they child wouldn't know any different. You only call your mother mom because that is what you are taught to call her it is in no way instinct. If they teach the child growing up this Jane, jane loves you and does all these things for you because she care about you it does not hurt the child in any way.

What WILL hurt the the child is if 5 years if they get a divorce and she is no longer in his life then the child will have been abandoned by another mom. That will be way more damaging him than calling her Jane.


You don't earn being a mom you become a mom two ways by giving birth or adoption. Full stop end of story. She is NOT the child's mother and that is way more of a massive lie than pretending to believe in a make believe fairy tale. The child would know that if they cared at all about that child. Being called mom makes the ADULT feel better. A child taught that they are loved by the people in their lives doesn't care if it's Jane or Mom putting the pb&j on the table.


Quoting jkp027:

So you can justify lying to a child for years and knowing that you are going to break their heart when they find out the truth, yet it's not ok for a 5 year old who only knows that this woman takes care of him,  loves him like a mother, and that his mother is completely out of the picture for now, to call her mom.   Really?  That is a little hypocritical to me.  

I do agree that she should be called mom first name, but to look a five year old in the eye and say you can't call me that because I am not your mother, I just do everything that she does, and you love me like a mother and some control freak who is insecure of herself as a mother on a website said I was a horrible person for allowing you to do that, but let me just go ahead and set your little 5 year old butt straight right now, you can't call me that so now just go to your room and cry and I'm sure your 5yo mind will understand this.  That's screwed up.  

Oh and let me clarify something else 5yo child, while I'm breaking your 5yo heart that already is broken because your mom is in jail and you have no understanding of what is going on and you are trying to find your place in all of this and want to call me mom, please understand like a grown up that I will love you and be the best step mom I can be to you and try to take your pain away, but please do not treat me like your mother because clearly I am not.  

I'm sure he will understand all of that sooner.

Quoting soonergirl980: Are you really comparing imaginary creatures to actual real life people. That child has a mom and the op is not it. Mom might not ever come back but until her rights are terminated and op adopts there are so many psychological issues with allowing her to pretend to be mom.

Letting our children believe in an imaginary creature is not remotely the same thing.


Quoting jkp027: Do you participate in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

Quoting soonergirl980: Thanks for the reminder as to why New York is off the table to live in ever.


This child has already had one parent abandon her, and probably has the legal righ in the future should she clean up her act. Why should it be appropriate to have multiple people pretend to be her parent when they are not? What of the op divorces and no longer wants to be her "mom" that's TWO moms abandoning her. If mom truely has no rights op can adopt and then she will be mom before that it's all pretend and potentially very damaging to the kids.



And whoever you dealt with in "CPS" are idiots you are not a de facto parent and never wee. You were barely a EOWE spouse of a parent with kids. My parents don't even qualify for de facto parent of my niece and nephew and they were waaaaay more involved and financially responsible for them compared to what you have said in the past on this board.


Quoting pusheen-kitty: "Expanding the definition of what it means to be a parent, especially for same-sex couples, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that a caretaker who is not related to, or the adoptive guardian of, a child could still be permitted to ask for custody and visitation rights."

I get what you are saying but the laws in the great (progressive) state of NY ruled otherwise.

And in my case ACFS followed suit. Something called "de facto parent" or some bullshit. And it's extended to stepmoms too I found. Even ex stepmoms.

You only get one bio mom. But in NY the definition of who is a parent is changing.

Quoting pdxmum:

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.

Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2017 at 7:22 PM
What is it with stepmoms thinking they have the market cornered on having stepkids with a bad parent? Sooners husband adopted her child because of a bad parent, and if i remember correctly, a stepmother who was a bit of a problem.

The actual mother dealt with a bad parent. She wasn't twice removed, she couldn't just let someone else shield her from his antics. She was front and center. Just like all parents who deal with crappy parents are.

So the whole martyr thing stepmothers have in bad situations isn't needed. Try being the parent who is fighting before acting like a mom doesn't have a clue when she's fought long and hard for her kids against a bad parent, doll.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: Whatever doll.
This is not a projection piece about your sob story with the ex.

This kid has a mom in prison. If you fuck up that much as a parent, you don't get to dictate what happens next, even if that means someone else calls a care giver mom.

Unless you had to deal with the fallout of a shitty mom, as a CSM you don't get it either.

Again, BTFO.

Quoting soonergirl980: And you are not mother, do not have children, and unless I missed something have that in common with the OP. Her response to my adoption question was all I needed to know for confirmation for my opinion. A mother that supposedly has no rights yet there is hesitation to adopt? I've been on the side with a pretender mother to my son. Completely ridiculous. When the opportunity arose unlike the OP there was no hesitation not even a fucking blink of uncertainty. Even though my ex had a court order that would have been openly followed there was no question that my DH would choose to adopt. He signed that shit like it was fate. If you aren't willing to do that without anything then you aren't mom you are a pretender and that is unacceptable. The kid already had a mom who is not committed to being a mom he doesn't need two.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: So you are not a SM, don't have SK and have never been in anything near the OPs situation.

πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

Quoting soonergirl980: I have no fear and my children would never call anyone else mom. I'm married to their father so it's not a problem and if we ever divorced there would be no place for a new woman to be mom because I am their mother just as they wouldn't want other people to call me mom. I am neither insecure or selfish. My kids are my 100 percent priority and they known this there is no confusion as to who mom is in their life lol. They love plenty of other people so the idea that I wouldn't want them to love other people is ludicrous.

No he wouldn't be effected the same way because mom means more than dad's wife Jane. If it wasn't so important to be recognized SM wouldn't insist otherwise.


Quoting jkp027:

No matter if she is called Jane or Mom Jane, if they get a divorce in 5 years the chilld will still be effected the EXACT same way.  I'm sure the child hears his 1/2 sibling calling her mom which has led to him calling her mom.  She did not make the child call her mom, two very different situations.  You however cannot see past "I AM MOM, HEAR ME ROAR"  you are so afraid that your children might possibly care about someone else as much or more than you that you have made yourself into, well, YOU.  That's pathetic to me. I have no doubt in my mind that my children love me and will always love me no matter who my ex is with.  It does not bother me that they may love his gf, I am secure in their love for me.  You, quite frankly, are very insecure and selfish.  Maybe one day you can get past that. 

Quoting soonergirl980: Lol break their hearts lmao none of my kids were "heartbroken" over finding out Santa isn't real. It's just a cool tradition no different than a fairy tale I don't think most people are so dramatic about it because they know they weren't harmed by it otherwise they wouldn't do it for their kids.

Calling a person something is learned behavior. Calling her by her first name his whole life they child wouldn't know any different. You only call your mother mom because that is what you are taught to call her it is in no way instinct. If they teach the child growing up this Jane, jane loves you and does all these things for you because she care about you it does not hurt the child in any way.

What WILL hurt the the child is if 5 years if they get a divorce and she is no longer in his life then the child will have been abandoned by another mom. That will be way more damaging him than calling her Jane.


You don't earn being a mom you become a mom two ways by giving birth or adoption. Full stop end of story. She is NOT the child's mother and that is way more of a massive lie than pretending to believe in a make believe fairy tale. The child would know that if they cared at all about that child. Being called mom makes the ADULT feel better. A child taught that they are loved by the people in their lives doesn't care if it's Jane or Mom putting the pb&j on the table.


Quoting jkp027:

So you can justify lying to a child for years and knowing that you are going to break their heart when they find out the truth, yet it's not ok for a 5 year old who only knows that this woman takes care of him,  loves him like a mother, and that his mother is completely out of the picture for now, to call her mom.   Really?  That is a little hypocritical to me.  

I do agree that she should be called mom first name, but to look a five year old in the eye and say you can't call me that because I am not your mother, I just do everything that she does, and you love me like a mother and some control freak who is insecure of herself as a mother on a website said I was a horrible person for allowing you to do that, but let me just go ahead and set your little 5 year old butt straight right now, you can't call me that so now just go to your room and cry and I'm sure your 5yo mind will understand this.  That's screwed up.  

Oh and let me clarify something else 5yo child, while I'm breaking your 5yo heart that already is broken because your mom is in jail and you have no understanding of what is going on and you are trying to find your place in all of this and want to call me mom, please understand like a grown up that I will love you and be the best step mom I can be to you and try to take your pain away, but please do not treat me like your mother because clearly I am not.  

I'm sure he will understand all of that sooner.

Quoting soonergirl980: Are you really comparing imaginary creatures to actual real life people. That child has a mom and the op is not it. Mom might not ever come back but until her rights are terminated and op adopts there are so many psychological issues with allowing her to pretend to be mom.

Letting our children believe in an imaginary creature is not remotely the same thing.


Quoting jkp027: Do you participate in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

Quoting soonergirl980: Thanks for the reminder as to why New York is off the table to live in ever.


This child has already had one parent abandon her, and probably has the legal righ in the future should she clean up her act. Why should it be appropriate to have multiple people pretend to be her parent when they are not? What of the op divorces and no longer wants to be her "mom" that's TWO moms abandoning her. If mom truely has no rights op can adopt and then she will be mom before that it's all pretend and potentially very damaging to the kids.



And whoever you dealt with in "CPS" are idiots you are not a de facto parent and never wee. You were barely a EOWE spouse of a parent with kids. My parents don't even qualify for de facto parent of my niece and nephew and they were waaaaay more involved and financially responsible for them compared to what you have said in the past on this board.


Quoting pusheen-kitty: "Expanding the definition of what it means to be a parent, especially for same-sex couples, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that a caretaker who is not related to, or the adoptive guardian of, a child could still be permitted to ask for custody and visitation rights."

I get what you are saying but the laws in the great (progressive) state of NY ruled otherwise.

And in my case ACFS followed suit. Something called "de facto parent" or some bullshit. And it's extended to stepmoms too I found. Even ex stepmoms.

You only get one bio mom. But in NY the definition of who is a parent is changing.

Quoting pdxmum:

Mom is supposed to be forever no matter what.  He sort of already has one mom probably not fulfilling that.  There is no guarantee you will stay married to his father forever.

Don't set him up to be let down twice.

Go by first name.

Witty-Screename
by New Member on Jun. 27, 2017 at 9:47 AM
My sks call me mom. They call their sd dad as well. We have young kids and its easier for them. My kids are older and call my husband by his name. In my opinion, whatever the kids prefer is what is best.
Anna.K
by Member on Jun. 27, 2017 at 11:41 AM

I'm glad a child will finally find a place to call it's own a steady and can count on someone person in his life. Please don't bad mouth the biological mother, you don't need to say nice things but sound neutral and let the child when becomes adult decide if he wishes to continue a relationship with Bio Mom.

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