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Trying to be Fair and I am frustrated

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:37 PM
  • 23 Replies
First of all, I want to start by saying that I do love my stepson. I went on google looking for advice and it seems that most people in my situation seemed to strongly dislike their stepkids. That is not the case here. I am just frustrated with the other adults that are helping to raise him. They are raising an entitled, spoiled brat. He is such a sweet kid, but he expects everything to be done for him and basically does whatever he wants. His mother and grandparents buy him whatever he wants, take him on extravagant vacations (think tropical islands, cruises, AT LEAST once a year), movies multiple times a week, and they let him dictate what he wants to eat which pretty much consists of pastries all day long. He refuses to eat anything I make, even the typical chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and grilled cheese type meals that my two sons beg for. My husband and I are on the same page. We disagree with how spoiled he is, but really what can we do? I get along great with his mom, I actually really like he. Alot. She just buys him whatever he wants. The problem I am having is that I have two sons who live with us full time. We have my step son half the time and when he is here he brags about everything to my kids. I talk about taking them to Disney for example and he will be like "I've already been three times!" I mention going to Great Wolf Lodge and he is like "oh wow. This is the sixth Time this year I have been!" He has every toy under the sun. There is NOTHING I can do with or for this child that hasn't already been done multiple times. This makes birthdays and Christmas particularly frustrating. His mother even got him a Nintendo DS XL as part of his Easter basket. The tooth fairy will leave this kid game systems. My kids get so jealous because he boasts about everything he has. I try to explain to him that it isn't a nice thing to do. It is nice that people do these things for and with him, but he shouldn't brag about it to other kids around the clock. He comes off snobby the way he does it. I feel like my two sons haven't done even a tenth of everything my stepson has done. We have never been on a nice vacation other than local places. I do not buy them everything they want because I want them to appreciate things. I do not let them eat whatever they want all day. They try new things. My stepson wants chocolate chip muffins, for example, all day long and refuses anything else. I won't give in to him. I also worry he will resent me for it because his mom and grandparents allow it when he is with them. We discipline him when he brings toys over and refuses to share with the other boys. I make my boys share and I buy them things equally. Whatever my two get, my stepson gets. I have three kids. Period. So how do I handle the frustration that comes with all the excess spoiling from other adults in his life? It isn't my place to say anything and I won't, but yet we suffer the consequences of it. It sucks. Also, would it be out of line for me to do something with my two boys without my stepson? My husband seems to get aggrivated by that idea and obviously wants his son included in everything, but I just want my kids to feel special too and maybe have ONE thing that my stepson doesn't already have 20 of. Am I just being jealous? I legit beat myself up over the way I feel. I do a lot with all three of the boys already, just not to the extremes that my stepson's other parents and grandparents do. Advice, please! Thanks ❤
by on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Leigh84
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:54 PM
3 moms liked this
How old is ss? I think it's normal to feel frustrated but at the same time you need to realize that blended families aren't always equal. I don't think that it's wrong to sometimes take your kids to do something. Dh could use that opportunity for 1 on 1 time w/ss.
StillTrying1985
by New Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:59 PM
My ss is 8. My two boys are 10 and 6. I know there isn't anything I can do and I need to accept it, but I am just so frustrated with the bragging. My husband is frustrated too because he feels like his son is being raised to be entitled and snobby towards others and because his mom has him more of the time, there isn't much he can do about it besides ask her not to. We raise our kids to be empathetic of others and we don't give them everything they want. I mean, I could, but what would that teach them? My stepson is pretty much a sweet kid, but we are worried about what is coming down the road. We already see the signs.
StillTrying1985
by New Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 1:41 PM
An example: His mom dropped him off this morning and told us he had brownie bites on the way over for breakfast. For lunch I made him a pbj with no crust. He waited until I walked into the other room and yelled to me "Can you come back and cut this into little pieces so it is easier for me to eat?" I told him no because he is 8 years old And I am pretty sure he can hold a sandwich. He didn't talk back or anything and he ate the sandwich. Lol It reminds me of this guy I dated once who was 23 years old and asked his mom to cut his steak for him into little pieces. She did!
hotspice58
by Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 3:57 PM
1 mom liked this

Ish... there isn't much anyone can do.  But they are raising an entitled brat....  I do think you need to do something with your sons while hubby does something with his.

minimoo
by Platinum Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 5:55 PM
1 mom liked this
what is the custody arrangement? Is ss an only child at mom's? Honestly, there is not much you can do about what mom and his grandparents do with him. I would talk to (or have dh) him about bragging and how it can make other people feel bad or dislike him, and talk to your kids about how different people get different things and whatnot and ss has another family that can afford to do all this stuff. I don't see anything wrong with you being able to do stuff just with your boys too (as long as you are not intentionally excluding ss all the time). We do one on one things with all 3 of our kids all the time

Quoting StillTrying1985: My ss is 8. My two boys are 10 and 6. I know there isn't anything I can do and I need to accept it, but I am just so frustrated with the bragging. My husband is frustrated too because he feels like his son is being raised to be entitled and snobby towards others and because his mom has him more of the time, there isn't much he can do about it besides ask her not to. We raise our kids to be empathetic of others and we don't give them everything they want. I mean, I could, but what would that teach them? My stepson is pretty much a sweet kid, but we are worried about what is coming down the road. We already see the signs.
cali_gurl
by on Aug. 8, 2017 at 7:14 PM

You can for sure do things with your own bio sons when stepson is not there. But if he is there he should be included. Tell him he can't bring stuff into the house unless he shares. Tell him he can't eat junk all day at your house. Honestly I would have no problem being the tough guy and saying all kids have the same rules in that house. At least your dh agrees. Whenever the ss starts bragging I would just cut him off and say bragging is never a way to make people like you.

StillTrying1985
by New Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 7:25 PM
Thank you for all the positive advice. It reassures me that we are handling the situation as we should. Yes he is the only child which is why he is so spoiled. He is also the only grandchild.
annabl1970
by Platinum Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 7:52 PM
2 moms liked this
But your kids have the other parent too (your Ex his family) right?
So it's kind of balance in a way KWIM?

Your H should not get irritated if you want to do something only for your boys. Your boys are your #1 priority, period.

And stay out of discipline, food battles and etc. Let his dad deal with it.

It's very good you get along with BM. But remember it can change so fast, she can turn against you and make your life hell, so abandon this motto " I have three kids, period"
You don't, you have two.
Keep yourself out unnecessary frustration, let parents parent this kid the way they want, and you parent yours the way you want.
StillTrying1985
by New Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 8:15 PM
I don't want to discipline him at all, but I am alone with him a lot and both his mother and father tell me not to let him walk on me. I don't have much of a choice when I am making the meals and he refuses to eat. He will then tell his mother that I didn't feed him. She knows better though and sides with me 100% She told me she wishes she could be more stern with him. I told her that she should and he will appreciate it more one day. I don't see us ever turning on each other. She is so nice and I am too. We are both very laid back drama free people.

Quoting annabl1970: But your kids have the other parent too (your Ex his family) right?
So it's kind of balance in a way KWIM?

Your H should not get irritated if you want to do something only for your boys. Your boys are your #1 priority, period.

And stay out of discipline, food battles and etc. Let his dad deal with it.

It's very good you get along with BM. But remember it can change so fast, she can turn against you and make your life hell, so abandon this motto " I have three kids, period"
You don't, you have two.
Keep yourself out unnecessary frustration, let parents parent this kid the way they want, and you parent yours the way you want.
StillTrying1985
by New Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 8:18 PM
My older son's dad died when he was a baby and my ex husband doesn't do much of anything with my youngest. I am not knocking him. He just isn't in a financial position to. My boys really don't get anything more than what we provide.
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