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I hate the statement - "At least he has you..."

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2017 at 12:24 PM
  • 6 Replies

SS starts first grade this week.  DH is custodial.  BM hasn't asked anything about school though I'm not thoroughly surprised because she didn't last year either.

I was telling someone about how I was sad that BM hadn't even asked anything about when he starts school, who his teacher is, ect...  Her response, "well, at least he has you".  Well, yes, he does, but he also has a mother.  A biological mother.  One who gave birth to him.  One he loves.  One that he will tell about school.  So why doesn't she care? 

BM, DH, and I all have a good relationship.  She just really isn't active in his life.  She didn't want him in the first place.  Maybe that's why.

I don't know.  That's it.  Sob story over.

by on Aug. 14, 2017 at 12:24 PM
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by Platinum Member on Aug. 15, 2017 at 8:32 AM
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I learned many moons ago that you cannot force a person to love more than they can :( and it sucks. Every child deserves two parents to love, cherish and raise them. Be proud of who your husband is, he's taking it on himself and that sows a lot about the man you married. 

by Ruby Member on Aug. 15, 2017 at 9:45 AM
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Don't think about BM nor the choices she is making because you really don't know why and you probably will never know. At least you all have a good relationship, that is important for SS too, maybe one day BM will come around or not but at least you have all the positives you do have.
by Platinum Member on Aug. 15, 2017 at 9:59 AM
I want to echo what the always so wise Tia said. I've tried since pregnancy to get bf to be the father dd deserves. Unfortunately, some people just don't give a shit about their kids. The only reason he wanted her in the beginning was to use her as more control over me. When we left, he wanted nothing to do with her (oh sorry - supposedly his therapist told him not to see her unless I took him back). 4 years later, sm led the charge of using her as a "weapon" because she couldn't handle him having had sex with other people prior to her, and he recognized it as an opportunity to hurt me while passing the "parenting" buck onto other people. Sm never truly wanted to be her parent - she has now admitted that she only didn't want me to have her and wants her to be her babysitter so she doesn't have to deal with her own children. It is heartbreaking for me to see him disregard this wonderful child and fail to recognize how truly lucky we are. I've had to accept that he will never be the father she deserves, and help give her tools to realize that has nothing to do with her. Dh has been in our lives for almost 13 years now. She doesn't remember life prior to him. Even bf's sane brother comments on how he's so thankful that dd has him. I remember a few years ago, they came over for a bbq. I think this was the first time he had met dh. We were sitting on the deck watching dh play with dd. When dh came up to the deck, he stood up, shook his hand, and with tears in his eyes, told him "thank you for being the daddy my niece deserves. I've always known she would be fine with Mini taking care of her, in spite of my brother's many shortcomings. But I always worried that she would be missing that important daddy figure in her life, like we did as our mother alienated him from us. But it is beyond obvious that you love her and care for her the way my brother should have done all along. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate that and appreciate everything you do for her. And for Mini. My brother has put them both through hell, and I'm glad that she has found someone who treats them both the way they deserve." Dh teared up (something I have very rarely seen) and replied "[dd] is wonderful. I knew from the moment I met her how special she was. I always hoped her father would step up for her sake, but unfortunately, that doesn't seem ever likely. Treating her any differently was never an option; she deserves the best, and her mom and I will always make sure that happens."

Do I still hold out hope that bf will start caring? Yes. But... I know that's not going to happen. He's already making comments about walking away. Dd even told her therapist that he's been saying "since I lost in court (He filed another false motion recently claiming I was a "danger" and requested that they cut off all contact with me. Less than a week after he lost, he told me he likely would be moving out of state (he's, leaving dd with me, the dangerous monster lol) That plan has been put on hold because he allowed his brother to do unspeakable things to another kid of his and is currently wrapped up in court - He has not once gone to court to support that kid either), I'm ready to just give up this fight in this war and leave." She told the therapist that she would be fine as they are not close and she considers dh to be her dad and her life would be more peaceful
by on Aug. 15, 2017 at 10:14 AM
1 mom liked this
I understand where the comment comes from, but I agree with you. It's sad that his mother has so little interest.
by Member on Aug. 16, 2017 at 8:52 AM

My SS's BM doesn't even know he is starting school, period. She hasn't called in a year. People tell me all the time "he's lucky to have you." It doesn't bother me when they say that though...I'm lucky to have him too. :)

by Battler on Aug. 18, 2017 at 4:50 AM
You are right, SK shouldn't "at least" have somebody, but don't discount the good that you do either.

It is shit tons of unfair that some women just pop babies out NBD and can't give two fucks about them while others struggle to conceive...or find themselves in a position taking care of kids mom doesn't want.

We expect men to do that, shit, society has made room for that fuck up.. But when a woman just says fuck you to a little human she gave birth to, even our progressive society echoes what you feel, and the platitudes you heard.

Again, that kid is lucky to have you and give yourself some credit.
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