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Being the better person when step daughter is upset with me

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2017 at 9:50 PM
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My step daughter is 17. My husband and I have been married 4 years together 8 yrs. I have a son in college and 2 yr old with husband. Past few months SD made a comment while a boy was visiting us introduced us a friend. So while watching a movie my 2 yr old jumped up and down w joy because she is a 2 yr old and thats what they do.. SD made a sarcastic comment to her friend says omg calm down your over the top. Her friend goes relax she is a kid. So after comments after comments I just tried to let it go. Finally one day i had it i said to her come on really she is 2 yrs old and kids are active at this age and she will one day she look up to you so be the good role model for your baby sis.. i explained to her I wasnt mad or anything just didnt appreciate how she spoke to her little sister. Her Dad was upset and says it was wrong. So several wks go by she stops over on a off day that wasnt our weekend comes over asks her father to go to the mall with her to get ears pierced we had company friends from.out of town. She walks right in didnt even speak to me. Walks up to my husbands friends and her sister. My husband says to her You didnt speak with Samantha? She says I did. He says No you didnt i was here. She came slowly up to table says hi low didnt even make eye contact. I said hello and asked how she was doing. I explained to my husbang later that night i appreciate how he seen for himself she came in and didnt day a word but i dont want her to be forced to speak. Hubby says no she needs to be corrected. I just feel like 8 yrs and I cant tell you of something bothers me to SD and now she will be distant. My husband says he thinks its bc the commemt i made to her she prob felt awkward. Didnt ask but thinking maybe she said something to him. We have her everyother wknd. She didnt come over the entire wknd. My husband spoke w her but she had plans the one day dont know about the other 3 a women I will always be the better and hold myself w class.. at the same time... do I not say how I feel or should I have had her father address it that time.. i felt at that moment soon as he mentioned it she would have known it was from me.. as a StepMom when do you stand up for your feelings.. or should Dad address

by on Aug. 21, 2017 at 9:50 PM
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by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2017 at 11:23 PM
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If SD has a friend over watching a movie you should remove the toddler. She made the comment because she was annoyed (as most siblings would be). I honestly don't think her comments are that big of a deal. You have posted before but they seem like every day big sister comments when the little one is bugging her. 

You seem overly sensitive to any perceived criticism of your younger child. 

by Gold Member on Aug. 22, 2017 at 2:05 AM
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Teenage half-sisters will never have the interest in your toddler that you do. At 17, that's probably a good thing.

And yes, dad should always be the one to address things.

Just accept the situation for what it is. She's almost an adult and now dad has a new baby... there's nothing wrong with that, but you have to put yourself in her shoes and understand this may not be the greatest thing in her life right now. Just give it time and I'm sure she will grow to love her.
by Member on Aug. 22, 2017 at 8:03 AM
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I think that a bigger person would have realized that an almost adult woman would not want someone else's annoying toddler around while watching a movie and removed the toddler.
by Ruby Member on Aug. 22, 2017 at 8:53 AM
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Stop overthinking things. The incident with the 2 year old happened a few months ago, let it go. She is a 17 year old girl with a chip on her shoulder which is why she reacted to the 2 year old in that matter while her friend was able to apply common sense, shrug it off. You need to stop being so sensitive to what your SD does like not acknowledging you, if DH sees and handles it, let him but you don't have to draw his attention to every thing that offends you since you are a bit sensitive.

Now, if SD is consistently annoyed with your child, I would limit her interactions with my child, a 2 year old should be able to be herself in her home. I understand being sensitive about criticism about your child, most mothers are.

by on Aug. 22, 2017 at 9:03 AM
You are being way too sensitive. She's 17. She's not going to be perfect and loving all the time. Teens can be jerks and self centered and moody. I really would stay out of it, especially with the whole movie situation. I would have been annoyed at 17, too.
by on Aug. 22, 2017 at 12:09 PM
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You are acting like a 2year old yourself.

by on Aug. 22, 2017 at 1:03 PM
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Hang in there! Blended families are challenging, but not impossible.  At this time, it may be best to let husband handle communication between the both of you until a good relationship is established between you and SD.  All you can do is your best.  Hopefully, in the future, you and SD will have a good communicating relationship. 

You are a good person and wonderful mom!

Good luck!  I wish you all the best.  

by Member on Aug. 22, 2017 at 1:23 PM
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My sister was four when I was 17. Toddlers are annoying AF to a teen. Quit riding your SDs ass and keep your child occupied so she isn't bothering the teen. Not everyone finds other peoples kids as charming as the parents do.
by Bronze Member on Aug. 22, 2017 at 2:06 PM

I'm still trying to get over the fact that your kids are like 18+ years apart??? WOW!!! :)

I can't think of one 17 year old that LOVES hanging with their friends and a toddler at the same time.  KWIM?

by on Aug. 22, 2017 at 7:59 PM

I don't know...when I was 16 & 17 I used to babysit my two nieces who were 2 1/2 and 6 months a baby AND a toddler. I loved having them around and my friends did, too. But...they posed no threat to me whatsoever because this wasn't a blended family situation. In blended families children often feel threatened by step and/or half siblings...afraid their parent will love them more than them, spend more time with them, etc. It's a perfectly natural feeling for kids to feel in blended families. Your SD may be feeling this way and she takes it out on her 2 year old half sister. OR...she's really just doesn't want a noisy toddler around when she's trying to watch a movie. She's a teen so her behavior is probably a result of all of the above.

I'm a stepmom and found the book "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal very helpful in dealing with blended family issues.

Also, "But I'm Not A Wicked Stepmother" by Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley. GREAT RESOURCES!!!

Oh and yes...let Dad handle things with SD for now. Just until your relationship improves. 

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