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Husband's Distress Over Ex's Bad News Perplexes New Wife

Posted by on Sep. 19, 2017 at 8:54 AM
  • 58 Replies

Is this normal? Would you react that way over an Ex?

Husband's Distress Over Ex's Bad News Perplexes New Wife

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for five years. He's the man of my dreams, and we have a wonderful marriage. Recently we learned that his ex-wife -- to whom he was married for 20 years -- has been diagnosed with a life-threatening cancer. They have two adult children together.

I have never questioned my husband's love or devotion to me. What's bothering me is his reaction to the news. They had a horrible relationship and never got along, but he is very upset over this. I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to seem insensitive, but the emotion he is showing for her has really hurt me. I realize she's the mother of his children, but they have been divorced for years. Please help me understand what's going on with him. -- STRONG EMOTIONS

DEAR STRONG EMOTIONS: Not knowing your husband, I can only hazard a few guesses. Although he and his ex-wife have been divorced for years, the idea of a possibly fatal illness striking someone who was once so close may be what's upsetting him. Or he may feel some guilt because of the circumstances of their divorce. Or her diagnosis may have been a chilly reminder of his own mortality. I hope this will give you some insight, because you are going to have to be patient with him until this is resolved.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

by on Sep. 19, 2017 at 8:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 9:13 AM
8 moms liked this

I am no fan of my ex but if they were to be facing a potentially life ending disease, I'd be upset. Not because I love them, but because no one should suffer, my child would be devastated, and as a human being I care. 

Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 11:43 AM
1 mom liked this
Is he supposed to be happy or something?
LaughCryLive
by Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 11:45 AM
I honestly wouldn't care and my daughter doesn't even know him.
anonomomma
by Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this
I would find it more strange if he wasn't even a little upset. 20 years is a long time to have be with someone. Notwithstanding extreme circumstances, I can't imagine being flippant about news like that.
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 12:53 PM
3 moms liked this

seriously? the mother of his children is dying and the new wife can't understand why he's upset?!

jfc I would tell her to get over herself.


Many in here knows my situation with my ex-his father recently died-and I got shit for it. Don't care....somebody's father died. I grieved for his wife and children.....my DH understood. he may not agree but he understood.

knoxmomof2
by Bronze Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 1:06 PM
3 moms liked this
Well, first of all, death makes us view things differently. It's easy to be pissed at someone who is alive, you would have to be a monster to have zero emotion at the thought of someone you previously loved being sick and close to death. It's also easier to forgive all wrongdoing when you know that you won't have to endure any more. Also, times like this make it easier to feel guilt.

On top of that, they have only been married for 5 years. It took me much longer than that to realize that any feelings my DH had for his ex (and my SD's mom) were natural. No matter how much of a b*tch she is, they once had a life and a home together. I think this new bride is in the same place, and then seeing this increase of emotion is even harder for her to comprehend. It's not cold of her, it's just short-sighted and she should come to see this differently in future years as she matures and becomes more sure of herself and his love for her.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 2:26 PM

Perhaps.

Quoting Shabby_Chic: Is he supposed to be happy or something?


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 2:29 PM
1 mom liked this

Exactly, it depends on the details of the situation and personalities involved. I am a very black and white person but I understand that there will still be some emotion for some people in situations like this. If I really disliked an Ex, I probably wouldn't feel anything in hearing this news either.

Quoting LaughCryLive: I honestly wouldn't care and my daughter doesn't even know him.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 2:31 PM

I can understand the upset for his children. I would have to know more of the divorce and post-divorce periods to understand an upset beyond normal human compassion. 

Quoting knoxmomof2: Well, first of all, death makes us view things differently. It's easy to be pissed at someone who is alive, you would have to be a monster to have zero emotion at the thought of someone you previously loved being sick and close to death. It's also easier to forgive all wrongdoing when you know that you won't have to endure any more. Also, times like this make it easier to feel guilt. On top of that, they have only been married for 5 years. It took me much longer than that to realize that any feelings my DH had for his ex (and my SD's mom) were natural. No matter how much of a b*tch she is, they once had a life and a home together. I think this new bride is in the same place, and then seeing this increase of emotion is even harder for her to comprehend. It's not cold of her, it's just short-sighted and she should come to see this differently in future years as she matures and becomes more sure of herself and his love for her.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

sheramom4
by Silver Member on Sep. 19, 2017 at 4:46 PM
2 moms liked this

At some point in my life I loved my ex husband. Adored him. We were high school sweethearts. I have been happily with DH for 17 years and if something happened to my ex, not only would I be upset, DH would be upset. He would be upset for me and for my children. We would cry. We would want to help. 

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