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Shouldn't surgery be a discussion? UPDATE!

Posted by on Sep. 29, 2017 at 7:43 AM
  • 25 Replies

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Bm has scheduled ss for a surgery, and we find out thru ss. Bm said she doesn't need permission because it's not a major surgery, more of a procedure.
It is 50/50 custody. Bm does not have final decision making.
The only reason she wants this done is because she put him in braces, against dh (my) wishes when ss just turned 10. She had 2 baby teeth pulled (canines) staying that the ortho said it was urgent because his adult teeth were coming in and needed space. Here it is 9 months later, they ortho never put spacers in, but he was in braces for 2 of the months. For the last 7, he has had brackets on, but no chains, wires, bands, spacers. Poor kid just had the brackets that are doing nothing. Now she is impatient, and wants this done. If his adult teeth were impacted, it would have shown a long time ago.

What would you do, what can we do? Do you think this should be a discussion needing both parents approval?


UPDATE! I picked up ss records. His teeth are coming in, they have room and are not impacted. She just wants to hurry it along because they are coming in slow... well no shit, he is only 11, they shouldn't be in yet.
Staff at dentist was very nice.
It also shows that she has had 10 baby teeth pulled, worse even, she had SS lie to us saying he lost his tooth, not that they were surgically extracted. DH is livid.
by on Sep. 29, 2017 at 7:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TrashCanCrouch
by on Sep. 29, 2017 at 7:45 AM
When my kids had surgery at the hospital I never told their dad the kids did. He doesn't pay us any support and rarely sees them, he doesn't deserve to know anything imo. I full custody though!
I personally don't feel it's that big of a deal if the other parent knows right away..
codysara
by Platinum Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 7:51 AM
Sorry your kids dad is a p.o.s. and you treat him as such, but, dh is a very involved dad, and the court order clearly states that bm can not make this decision with out permission.

Quoting TrashCanCrouch: When my kids had surgery at the hospital I never told their dad the kids did. He doesn't pay us any support and rarely sees them, he doesn't deserve to know anything imo. I full custody though!
I personally don't feel it's that big of a deal if the other parent knows right away..
TrashCanCrouch
by on Sep. 29, 2017 at 7:59 AM
1 mom liked this
If she can't than why does he let her? It's back to court to get this resolved. My ex has no say on the kids lives and that was how it was done in court. He has access and that's it and I'm the one who gets to say if he sees them when he asks to see them. But him asking is rare, they usually go to his parents home instead of with him.


Quoting codysara: Sorry your kids dad is a p.o.s. and you treat him as such, but, dh is a very involved dad, and the court order clearly states that bm can not make this decision with out permission.

Quoting TrashCanCrouch: When my kids had surgery at the hospital I never told their dad the kids did. He doesn't pay us any support and rarely sees them, he doesn't deserve to know anything imo. I full custody though!
I personally don't feel it's that big of a deal if the other parent knows right away..
fedupmama
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 9:56 AM
2 moms liked this

In your situation unless it is an emergency this stuff should be a joint decisions or at the very least discussed.  I don't ask my ex or discuss any decisions I make,  but he is not involved.  I do inform him before hand though.  But in this situation yes it should be joint and discussed.  I am not sure what can be done about it though....

anonomomma
by Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 10:12 AM
2 moms liked this
Your dh should probably start first with calling the dentist and finding out if its an actual need first and then go from there.
CStarz
by Bronze Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 10:24 AM
1 mom liked this

My DH has all decision making rights and he still lets BM know what's going on academically, medically, etc. Not that she gives a shit or wants any real responsibility but he does it because it is the right thing to do.

Your Dh needs to call the dentist and speak with him and maybe go to the next appointment if he wants to be really involved. If his ex keeps by-passing him then he should take her back to court. 

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 1:54 PM
2 moms liked this

In your situation Cody, yes, it should be discussed, agreed upon, DH should have been at the appointments to ask his own questions of the ortho, etc.  

In my situation, no.  I don't 'discuss' these things with BF.  Much like CStarz, I let BF know what's going on but don't include him in the 'decision making' of the necessary procedures with the boys.  Unlike CStarz, BF and I both have custody, but like CStarz, my xh has shown over the years a great disinterest in being involved, so I just no longer 'involve' him in anything.  This isn't your situation though.  YOUR DH Is involved, he wants to be involved, he is active in his kids life, he sees his kid 50% of the time, etc.  He SHOULD be involved in the discussion. 

Why has he allowed BM to do this to him (keep him out of the loop, make decisions without his input) more than once?  Or, was the previous instance (braces) the first time and here she is trying it again?  

IF my situation were different, and IF BF was active/involved with our boys (and had been all along), I'd be raising holy heck with him about why, NOW, he's decided to simply handle this on his own, without discussing it with me.  If that didn't change things, I'd be back in court, asking the courts help in stopping this from progressing, and finding a (legal) way to stop BF from attempting MORE procedures in the future without my knowledge/consent, with the courts help.  If it continued, I'd move to remove his rights to make ANY medical decisions for our children, but I'd try to work with him beforehand to find out why he suddenly stopped working with me when it was clear to others (and the courts) that I WAS involved, and I still WANTED to be involved in my childrens health care.  

I realize this sounds a bit contradictory to how I treat BF but I have 10+ years of him not giving a shit, 'wanting to be involved' but never actually making the time TO be involved, never listening to the discussions I tried to have with him prior to care being necessary, etc.  The only time he does get involved now (in the last 5 or so years) is if/when there is some coverage that involves SMs health care benefits as well.  I want NOTHING to do with her personal/private information, so HE fills out all forms that require her information (voluntarily given by her to him for the boys care, so our co-pays are less), HE makes any calls I text/email him to make IF it will involve needing to know any of her information.  This way I can't be accused of anything (and she's attempted to do so in the past, so I don't even come close to gaining access to that information anymore) nefarious.  (I had a previous dental office 'offer' to print me the payment and insurance information. That's just ONE reason we no longer use that dental office.  The OM who made the offer winked at me as if we were in some conspiracy.  I left the office and called BF about the 'offer'.  He was pissed too (didn't blame him) but I assured him I didn't take the information 'offered' and he helped find another dental office in my area for the boys.  

But, the short (ha!) answer from me is, yes, it should be discussed and yes, it should need both parents approval before any surgery that uses general anesthesia.  IF she was taking him in for a general/routine cleaning, no permission or discussion is needed, but anything more?  Yes, given how involved your DH is.  

codysara
by Platinum Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 6:17 PM
1 mom liked this
Dh said no to braces, but since it is considered cosmectic, both parties don't need to agree but bm has to pay for them on her own. Dh told her he would pay for it if she would wait and he still needed them when he was a few years older. She got them anyway.
Dh got a call from bm while he was at work letting him know that ss had teeth pulled. That was really the first time she did not consult dh. There was nothing wrong with his baby teeth.
Dh spoke to the ortho, told them that his mother can not make these decisions unanimously, they were apologetic. He asked for all ss records. I will pick them up for him Monday.



Quoting jules2boys:

In your situation Cody, yes, it should be discussed, agreed upon, DH should have been at the appointments to ask his own questions of the ortho, etc.  

In my situation, no.  I don't 'discuss' these things with BF.  Much like CStarz, I let BF know what's going on but don't include him in the 'decision making' of the necessary procedures with the boys.  Unlike CStarz, BF and I both have custody, but like CStarz, my xh has shown over the years a great disinterest in being involved, so I just no longer 'involve' him in anything.  This isn't your situation though.  YOUR DH Is involved, he wants to be involved, he is active in his kids life, he sees his kid 50% of the time, etc.  He SHOULD be involved in the discussion. 

Why has he allowed BM to do this to him (keep him out of the loop, make decisions without his input) more than once?  Or, was the previous instance (braces) the first time and here she is trying it again?  

IF my situation were different, and IF BF was active/involved with our boys (and had been all along), I'd be raising holy heck with him about why, NOW, he's decided to simply handle this on his own, without discussing it with me.  If that didn't change things, I'd be back in court, asking the courts help in stopping this from progressing, and finding a (legal) way to stop BF from attempting MORE procedures in the future without my knowledge/consent, with the courts help.  If it continued, I'd move to remove his rights to make ANY medical decisions for our children, but I'd try to work with him beforehand to find out why he suddenly stopped working with me when it was clear to others (and the courts) that I WAS involved, and I still WANTED to be involved in my childrens health care.  

I realize this sounds a bit contradictory to how I treat BF but I have 10+ years of him not giving a shit, 'wanting to be involved' but never actually making the time TO be involved, never listening to the discussions I tried to have with him prior to care being necessary, etc.  The only time he does get involved now (in the last 5 or so years) is if/when there is some coverage that involves SMs health care benefits as well.  I want NOTHING to do with her personal/private information, so HE fills out all forms that require her information (voluntarily given by her to him for the boys care, so our co-pays are less), HE makes any calls I text/email him to make IF it will involve needing to know any of her information.  This way I can't be accused of anything (and she's attempted to do so in the past, so I don't even come close to gaining access to that information anymore) nefarious.  (I had a previous dental office 'offer' to print me the payment and insurance information. That's just ONE reason we no longer use that dental office.  The OM who made the offer winked at me as if we were in some conspiracy.  I left the office and called BF about the 'offer'.  He was pissed too (didn't blame him) but I assured him I didn't take the information 'offered' and he helped find another dental office in my area for the boys.  

But, the short (ha!) answer from me is, yes, it should be discussed and yes, it should need both parents approval before any surgery that uses general anesthesia.  IF she was taking him in for a general/routine cleaning, no permission or discussion is needed, but anything more?  Yes, given how involved your DH is.  

Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 7:16 PM
I had a lot of my son's baby teeth pulled and nothing was wrong with them. The adult teeth, however, were coming up behind them and we had to clear space. I never ran it by my ex or my husband when I made that call because it was made during already scheduled appointments for other things.

Point is, professionals won't pull teeth for the hell of it or because a parent says to do it.

codysara
by Platinum Member on Sep. 29, 2017 at 9:12 PM
Lots of professionals do a lot of shady stuff.

How long did it take for the teeth to come in after you had the baby teeth pulled?

Wouldn't you think that if it needed pulled, that a spacer would have been put in to ensure the room, vs him being in braces for 2 of those months pulling the gap smaller?

Quoting Shabby_Chic: I had a lot of my son's baby teeth pulled and nothing was wrong with them. The adult teeth, however, were coming up behind them and we had to clear space. I never ran it by my ex or my husband when I made that call because it was made during already scheduled appointments for other things.

Point is, professionals won't pull teeth for the hell of it or because a parent says to do it.

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