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"when i am 12, my mom says i can decide where i live" (2 WEEK UPDATE)

Posted by on Oct. 3, 2017 at 9:32 AM
  • 45 Replies

it has been a while since i have posted...

i come home yesterday to dh and ss9 arguing.  dh was so angry he just had to go outside to cool off (dh doesnt usually get angry like that).  ss9 has currently been struggling with school work...nothing serious...but he needs to read more to catch up...dh told him to read for an extra 15 mins each night.  ss acted like he wanted him to cut off a leg.  he wanted to argue and refuse...then sneak on the computer to watch youtube when dh went to change his clothes.  when dh caught him, and told him to read for an extra 20 mins...ss9 started screaming that he wanted to live with bm...our house has too many rules (like not being mean to his 2 year old brother and not being able to jump over the couch...actual examples he used)...and bm has no rules and she said this weekend that when he is 12 he can choose where he can live.

of course that hurt dh's feelings....and he called bm out on it.  bm said she can tell him whatever she wants because when he is 12 he can go to court (ss9) and tell them where he wants to live.

so...any of yall ladies been in this type of sitch?  of course you cant change bm...but what should dh do to help the situation instead of hurt it?  I have zero advice. 


custody is ss9 is with us and mom eowe


***well...It has been 2 weeks since I posted this...but ss went on his weekend visit with mom this past weekend and ss is back at it.  he has been nasty at school and home...last night dh told him no tv or computer because of the behavior at school...ss when all out HAM...kicking walls, screaming, spitting...dh is at a loss...he admitted to my babysitter (when he was picking up my 2 year old) that he was in fact...scared of bm and her taking him back to court.  *SIGH*  he does not know how to fix this issue. 

by on Oct. 3, 2017 at 9:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CStarz
by Bronze Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:06 AM
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Kids will say hurtful shit especially when they are angry and or not getting their way. 

Just say, well, I am sorry you feel that way.  As your parent it is my job to make sure you are safe and cared for to the best of our ability and that includes how you treat other people. If you like us all of the time, we're not doing our jobs as your parents to the best of our abilities. 

Then I suggest growing thicker skin. When they know something upsets you they keep going at it. YOU have to rise above and know they are kids.

Ms_Smock
by Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like a parenting problem. My step son says he wants to live with grandma lol
minimoo
by Platinum Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:16 AM
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Your dh should check the laws in his State to verify if this is true. My dd's bf and sm tried that bullshit. They told dd that when she turned 12, she had to choose which family to live with and which one she "will never see again" and "you better choose us" with an exhorbanant amount of ridiculous reasons. That's not how my state works anyways. Sometimes, it does happen where the kids make that decision due to being "bought off" or going where there is more freedom and ultimately regret it. Does he have the conversation with mom in writing?
krisnkids
by Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:19 AM
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Tell the brat that he can tell the courts all he wants, but that does not mean that the courts will say he can live with bm.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:20 AM
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I will never understand why parents say "when you're this age you can decide where you live"

because it does not always work like that.

I've been dealing with this shit for years-and the kids ended up very disappointed when DH and I sat and talked to them.

They understand in SOME situations-yes kids have to go to court and testify and ask about switching their residentence. And they understand that just because they say they want to live elsewhere it doesn't always happen.


Tell the brat to get over himself-do as he is told and to stop making false threats because that shit will not fly in this house.

TrashCanCrouch
by on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:24 AM
2 moms liked this
Depending on where you reside and the maturity of the child will depend on if a judge will actually give consideration into where the child wants to live. BM sounds extremely immature and she’s passing that onto your stepson by having immature conversations with him.
Dh just needs to have a proper discussion with his son and explain to him that there is no point in deciding this now at 9 years old, as ss gets older he will have changed his mind a million times, upset and angry people are not always rational that’s where his dad comes in on teaching him how to be a rational thinker.
shiarhars
by Silver Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 10:53 AM
3 moms liked this
I can suggest what we told sd when bm started putting that in her head. It is not up to neither of the parent unless they mutually agree of course to do a custody change. It is up to a judge to decide that. He is 9 and is old enough to be explained this kind of things. A judge will take the child wants into consideration but at the end of the day the judge will make that decision base on the child's best interest.
Quoting bertaboo1:

it has been a while since i have posted...

i come home yesterday to dh and ss9 arguing.  dh was so angry he just had to go outside to cool off (dh doesnt usually get angry like that).  ss9 has currently been struggling with school work...nothing serious...but he needs to read more to catch up...dh told him to read for an extra 15 mins each night.  ss acted like he wanted him to cut off a leg.  he wanted to argue and refuse...then sneak on the computer to watch youtube when dh went to change his clothes.  when dh caught him, and told him to read for an extra 20 mins...ss9 started screaming that he wanted to live with bm...our house has too many rules (like not being mean to his 2 year old brother and not being able to jump over the couch...actual examples he used)...and bm has no rules and she said this weekend that when he is 12 he can choose where he can live.

of course that hurt dh's feelings....and he called bm out on it.  bm said she can tell him whatever she wants because when he is 12 he can go to court (ss9) and tell them where he wants to live.

so...any of yall ladies been in this type of sitch?  of course you cant change bm...but what should dh do to help the situation instead of hurt it?  I have zero advice. 

custody is ss9 is with us and mom eowe

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 11:48 AM
5 moms liked this

I'd suggest to DH that when this happens again (and it will, because of his reaction to his DS) that he simply says 'you may be right' or 'we'll see', or even better 'ok', and drop it.  Would DH react this same way if his DS said he wanted ice cream for dinner (or his favorite candy/treat)?  Likely not.  This isn't any different, IMO.  SS9 is pushing limits, he's finding dads buttons to push, and he found one.  DH needs to develop a thicker skin if he's to survive the tween/teen years!  It will get worse.  Teens say mean/nasty things to those they know will love them not matter what.  They bottle things up until they explode.  I have walked away from both of my boys at times, tears flowing, from the mean/nasty things they say.  Sometimes they apologize, sometimes they don't and I let it go.  30 minutes later they don't mean what they said, they've 'exploded', released their pent up anger, and are 'better'.  It takes me longer sometimes to 'feel better' but I usually do fairly soon too.  I'm their sounding board.  I'm the parent that never left, never chose someone else or something else over them.  I've been there, I'll be there.  

SS is 9, he's not a logical or rational thinker yet.  And, look at it this way.  Who wouldn't want to live where there are no rules and no expectations?  BUT, by the time he's 12, he'll have changed his mind too.  When mine 'threatened' to make changes to the CO (though theirs were to stop seeing BF, not to move in to his home and leave me) I was truthful with them and told them exactly what they'd have to do.  I told them a judge was NOT going to simply listen to them and say 'hey, that sounds like a GREAT idea!  Why didn't I think of that myself!'.  LOL  BUT, if they were truly serious about cutting dads custody/visitation out, via the courts/legally, they'd have to sit down, maturely (not emotionally) and tell a lawyer, and a judge, and likely a psychologist as well, just WHY they wanted to cut dads time with them.  And, they'd likely have to do so, at least with the judge, with dad and me right there too.  We couldn't necessarily speak but we'd be there to listen.  They'd have to come up with some reasons (not just one) other than 'I don't like ________', as that was what children said, and no adult was going to listen to that and take it seriously.  If there were/are TRUE issues (abuse, severe neglect, physical danger, etc.), those things could be brought up (there weren't), but NO adult was going to say 'gosh, I had no idea you didn't like to hear BF and SM argue when you are in their home.  I'll stop that immediately and you no longer have to go!'.  That's not now things work.  ;)   Oh, and I told them they would have to do the research to find the lawyer who would take their case too.  I was NOT going to be the parent leading this.  If they were mature enough to ask not to see dad again (or not be 'required' to see him unless THEY wanted to), then they were mature enough to do the foot work.  

(they never did, but it gave them a taste of reality, gave them more to think about (maybe dads wasn't 'so' bad all the time), and gave them a venting place.)  :)  

If SS9 is mature enough, perhaps DH could also look up the laws in your state and have his DS read them, so HE can see that at age 12, a judge may 'consider' the childs wishes, but the child is NOT in charge of where they live at age 12.  Perhaps DH could find some blurbage (is that the word?) on what reasons custody could change, and reasons it wouldn't (like 'I want to live where there are no rules/where it's more 'fun' all of the time').  If not, perhaps he could find those pages and save them for when his DS IS old enough to understand that, just in case he's still saying this in a year or two.  (I bookmarked said pages on my browser so they were 'handy' when the conversation kept coming up with my kids, individually, as they are 4.5 years apart in age so the conversations were at different times with each boy).  

Different subject but same 'solution', YDS15 would like to change his name (first name, and alter his last name).  At 15 he's fairly smart, but if HE wants to do this before he's 18, HE will have to do the footwork for it, not me.  I told him I wasn't opposed (after hearing his reasoning), BUT, he would have to tell his dad and HE would have to look up the legal steps to get it done.  No court/judge was going to say 'ok' simply because he wants it.  His reasoning needs to be sound, and logical, and follow the law (however strict or lenient that may be).  So, he began looking it up, ran into some road blocks and dropped it, for now.  Perhaps he'll change his mind.  Perhaps he won't.  But, I didn't tell him 'no', I just made HIM responsible for the footwork and he knows I won't jump simply because he tells me to.  ;)  Still.  

Good luck, work on (DH) developing thicker skin to what his DS says to him, and come at DS with facts, not 'versions of the truth'.  :)  

bertaboo1
by Silver Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 11:53 AM

no.  he actually (dh i mean ) called her. 

my brain just cannot comprehend how parents do crap like that to their kids. 

Quoting minimoo: Your dh should check the laws in his State to verify if this is true. My dd's bf and sm tried that bullshit. They told dd that when she turned 12, she had to choose which family to live with and which one she "will never see again" and "you better choose us" with an exhorbanant amount of ridiculous reasons. That's not how my state works anyways. Sometimes, it does happen where the kids make that decision due to being "bought off" or going where there is more freedom and ultimately regret it. Does he have the conversation with mom in writing?


constantg
by Member on Oct. 3, 2017 at 11:55 AM
1 mom liked this
First, don't use reading as punishment. You want him to learn to love to read whether it's ebooks on a kindle or comic book. So cut that out.

Also, you all need to work on positive reinforcement and ignoring minor behavior.

Take away electronics. He's a kid. Treat him like one. Sometimes they say hurtful things but it's what kids do.
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