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"when i am 12, my mom says i can decide where i live" (2 WEEK UPDATE)

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it has been a while since i have posted...

i come home yesterday to dh and ss9 arguing.  dh was so angry he just had to go outside to cool off (dh doesnt usually get angry like that).  ss9 has currently been struggling with school work...nothing serious...but he needs to read more to catch up...dh told him to read for an extra 15 mins each night.  ss acted like he wanted him to cut off a leg.  he wanted to argue and refuse...then sneak on the computer to watch youtube when dh went to change his clothes.  when dh caught him, and told him to read for an extra 20 mins...ss9 started screaming that he wanted to live with bm...our house has too many rules (like not being mean to his 2 year old brother and not being able to jump over the couch...actual examples he used)...and bm has no rules and she said this weekend that when he is 12 he can choose where he can live.

of course that hurt dh's feelings....and he called bm out on it.  bm said she can tell him whatever she wants because when he is 12 he can go to court (ss9) and tell them where he wants to live.

so...any of yall ladies been in this type of sitch?  of course you cant change bm...but what should dh do to help the situation instead of hurt it?  I have zero advice. 


custody is ss9 is with us and mom eowe


***well...It has been 2 weeks since I posted this...but ss went on his weekend visit with mom this past weekend and ss is back at it.  he has been nasty at school and home...last night dh told him no tv or computer because of the behavior at school...ss when all out HAM...kicking walls, screaming, spitting...dh is at a loss...he admitted to my babysitter (when he was picking up my 2 year old) that he was in fact...scared of bm and her taking him back to court.  *SIGH*  he does not know how to fix this issue. 

by on Oct. 3, 2017 at 9:32 AM
Replies (41-45):
bertaboo1
by Silver Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 3:25 PM

i have suggested that to DH.  i hope he makes up his mind soon.  ss is getting out of control. 

Quoting BabyTbaby2: Is BM engaging in Parental Alienation (PA)? It seems like she is from this post, but you have to check to make sure. Maybe therapy would help? IMO, tough love is NOT the way to go. It does work for some, but not for others. My dad used tough love all the time and I hated/feared him from the time I was 10 until I was 19. Check and see if you think it's PA. Check out therapy for family therapy and individual therapy for SS. I think his BM is encouraging this behavior, or perhaps the cause of it.


bertaboo1
by Silver Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 3:30 PM

i do wish it were that easy.  when dh called bm about the first time she told dh she can tell ss whatever he wants.  dh refuses to communicate with the girl because she is nutty.  i just roll my eyes...i am of the same opinion of several ladies here that he needs to man up.

Quoting Leigh84: I’m in a very similar situation. Idk if you saw my last post, but a few months ago SS15 made up bs of why he wanted to live w/his mom. Tried it for a little bit and he went into a downward spiral. Bm came wise to the fact that the reason ss wanted to live w/her was bc he knew he could get over on her. Bm and dh both agreed to go back to the 50/50 schedule that they had before. Hopefully that helps. I know sometimes it can be hard for divorced parents to communicate but I really believe that communication between parents is a good way to nip a lot of child related issues in the bud.


Leigh84
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 5:20 PM
That does make things a bit more difficult. In that case, dh is just going to have to get tuffer skin and explain to ss that it doesn’t work that way. Bm would still have to take him to court and it’s still for the judge to decide, like Pusheen said.

Quoting bertaboo1:

i do wish it were that easy.  when dh called bm about the first time she told dh she can tell ss whatever he wants.  dh refuses to communicate with the girl because she is nutty.  i just roll my eyes...i am of the same opinion of several ladies here that he needs to man up.

Quoting Leigh84: I’m in a very similar situation. Idk if you saw my last post, but a few months ago SS15 made up bs of why he wanted to live w/his mom. Tried it for a little bit and he went into a downward spiral. Bm came wise to the fact that the reason ss wanted to live w/her was bc he knew he could get over on her. Bm and dh both agreed to go back to the 50/50 schedule that they had before. Hopefully that helps.

I know sometimes it can be hard for divorced parents to communicate but I really believe that communication between parents is a good way to nip a lot of child related issues in the bud.

jcm3
by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 6:23 PM
Record what happens after he comes home from his bm. And I hope he is talking to someone

Quoting bertaboo1:

it has been a while since i have posted...

i come home yesterday to dh and ss9 arguing.  dh was so angry he just had to go outside to cool off (dh doesnt usually get angry like that).  ss9 has currently been struggling with school work...nothing serious...but he needs to read more to catch up...dh told him to read for an extra 15 mins each night.  ss acted like he wanted him to cut off a leg.  he wanted to argue and refuse...then sneak on the computer to watch youtube when dh went to change his clothes.  when dh caught him, and told him to read for an extra 20 mins...ss9 started screaming that he wanted to live with bm...our house has too many rules (like not being mean to his 2 year old brother and not being able to jump over the couch...actual examples he used)...and bm has no rules and she said this weekend that when he is 12 he can choose where he can live.

of course that hurt dh's feelings....and he called bm out on it.  bm said she can tell him whatever she wants because when he is 12 he can go to court (ss9) and tell them where he wants to live.

so...any of yall ladies been in this type of sitch?  of course you cant change bm...but what should dh do to help the situation instead of hurt it?  I have zero advice. 

custody is ss9 is with us and mom eowe

***well...It has been 2 weeks since I posted this...but ss went on his weekend visit with mom this past weekend and ss is back at it.  he has been nasty at school and home...last night dh told him no tv or computer because of the behavior at school...ss when all out HAM...kicking walls, screaming, spitting...dh is at a loss...he admitted to my babysitter (when he was picking up my 2 year old) that he was in fact...scared of bm and her taking him back to court.  *SIGH*  he does not know how to fix this issue. 

kenyasmom01
by Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 3:59 PM

Has your DH considered talking a parenting class? 

I don't think your DH should be worrying about what Mom is saying or doing, or what she might do in 3 years. I think he should work on building his parenting skills to handle the behaviors.

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