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How to deal with the controlling eyes of your SK relatives

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2017 at 11:31 PM
  • 13 Replies
Last summer, I went with my husband , his sister and her granddaughter (7yrs) and my step kids for a picnic near the lake. The kids started playing 12, 9 and 10. One of the kids took a big tree branch and started following the other kids. I told my husbands sister and my husband that’s might harm the kids or they might hit each other by mistake. His sister look at me and answered in a very ironic voice “ just relax , nothing will happen to them” . I felt that she does not want me to interfere with the Kids playing way. As she just finished her comment , one of the kids hit by mistake my SD face and she started to cry. When the aunt saw this happens , she started to talk loud to cover the girls cry. I felt so stupid and humiliated. She just does not want to proof that I’m right about the possibility of this branch to hit the kids. I swear since summer I feel so bad when I just remember this .

Recently, this aunt became the mediator between my husband and his ex as they can’t contact directly due to the order of protection and other issues. As she is the mediator, she started to know a lot about us , about our plans and the what the kids tell their mom about me and our home. She started to intefere with many details when she convey a message from kids mom to my husband.

I’m not kind of person that immediately deal with sour situations. That kills me and keep me thinking and worrying

What would you do if you are in my place
by on Nov. 13, 2017 at 11:31 PM
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by Ruby Member on Nov. 14, 2017 at 3:26 AM
4 moms liked this
Stock up on wine.

Personally I wouldn’t use family as a go between. I’ve seen so much go wrong because of it.

If your DH and his ex cant communicate-try an app or stick to email.

I would have issues with the in laws being all up in my business.
by Battler on Nov. 14, 2017 at 4:45 AM
When BM lost the kids her mother was supervising her visitations with her two. By court order. That fucked everything up.

What can you do in the situation? Talk to your husband. You shouldn't be dealing with his family crazy on your own.
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2017 at 7:02 AM
5 moms liked this
If they can't communicate, they need a non biased mediator. Not family or friends. They should use a co parenting website that can track all communication and schedules.
What does your dh say about his sisters interference? Did everyone ignore sd getting hit? Why would you feel humiliated, you were right? However, I do understand that kids need to play, and accidents do happen while playing.
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2017 at 11:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Is this sister much older than your DH?  Before you came along, was she in some sort of 'parental role' in his life, or that of his childs life?  (I'm a good deal older than my brother but he and my SIL don't have kids so there's nothing for me to be 'parental' over.  I doubt they're going to have kids anyway.  But, I know some friends who are also older than their younger siblings, and they sometimes step in where they shouldn't, never leaving that 'older sibling/parental role' they played long ago). 

Why did your DH agree to a family member being the mediator?  Finances or does he hold his sister to a higher standard than you do?  I agree with others, though I've not needed a mediator in my situation, it's difficult to find a 'non-biased' mediator within a family.  Not impossible, I'm sure it does work for some, but it sounds like this sister likes to create issues and she may not be the best 'non-biased' mediation that either party could have chosen.  I'd also have a problem with her knowing so much about what goes on in MY marriage too.  Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel?  Asked him how he feels about her knowing so much, or assuming she does?  Why he wants to give her this 'power' over him and BM?  

I believe you are from another country, I wonder if this is cultural, at least in a way, for him to hand this control over to a 'matriarcial' family member, since it has to do with family/children relations.  I'd be curious what his thoughts are on this and why his sister meddling was to 'help' things work better.  

As for what I'd do in your place, well, I'm not the quite type.  No one, DH nor his sister, would not know where I stand on things, nor where I stood from the beginning.  ;)  Fortunately SO knows this and so does his family (I've known SO since '81, we dated long ago, went our own ways for many years, then reconnected a few years ago now).  He also doesn't have children but we've talked about 'what if he did', as well as what I expect of him where my boys are concerned.  He knows they are MY responsibility, I'll never hand that off to him (nor anyone else), but he does help with them, he volunteers, and sometimes I say yes (sometimes I say no).  It helps that they are older now (youngest is 15) so I'm not likely concerned about the same things you are too.  I wasn't dating anyone when my boys were your SDs age.  

by Member on Nov. 14, 2017 at 11:19 AM
1 mom liked this
Dh handles his family and I handle mine. Your own family is less likely to hold a grudge against you. What does your husband think about what happened?
by on Nov. 14, 2017 at 5:15 PM
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I can understand why you would be bothered with the kids playing with a tree branch. Accidents do happen and it's better to be safe than sorry. I don't think you were overreacting or being overprotective. Have you spoken to your husband about the situation? I'm curious as to his thoughts about what happened that day. In the future don't be afraid to speak up if you're concerned about a situation going on with the kids...being too rough, someome getting hurt, etc. She may not acknowledge your concerns but you still need speak up because like I's better to be safe than sorry. 

And if you're having an issue with her being the mediator between your husband and his ex, I encourage you to talk to your husband about this and voice your concerns. Not doing so will only make things worse. Take courage!!! 

by Member on Nov. 15, 2017 at 10:09 AM
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Family should not be a mediator. That should an unbiased person. There are people that do just this, they can get rather pricey. My ex and I split the cost of our mediator. We mediated for roughly 3.5-4 hours and it cost 600.00.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 15, 2017 at 12:33 PM

is your husband comfortable with her being the mediator? 

by Member on Nov. 15, 2017 at 8:52 PM
Yes, she is his favorite sister

Quoting tiafez:

is your husband comfortable with her being the mediator? 

by Member on Nov. 16, 2017 at 10:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly this would annoy the hell out of me.

But as someone pointed out, professional mediators are expensive. So you could focus on the fact that nosey SIL is saving you money. And if you add up that money, let's say it's $600 a week, you could decide that for $600 a week it's worth putting up with nosey SIL.

Or you could fire nosey SIL and pay the $600 a week.

It's a business decision, really.

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