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Just don't understand-UPDATE to all those who are helping me

Posted by on Nov. 21, 2017 at 10:39 AM
  • 21 Replies

I think the plan to get more intensive therapy is absolutely appropriate if he shows he isn't going back to school in January. I think I probably need to research what is around us and present it to DH as he won't do it. SS is very intelligent, majoring in math and physics, and he can be condescending to our suggestions or opinions. He told us he wasn't going back this past fall because none of the classes he needed were offered and he wasn't going to waste money.  I didn't buy it but DH and BM did. Yet, they don't seem to consider why he didn't go to his apartment and get a job and live and socialize with his roommates if that was the only issue.

I dwell on the whole thing so much I think I'm talking to DH more than I probably truly am. Sometimes I think if I bring it up again, suggest he needs to be prepared or do this or that, DH is going to take it all out on me and say I'm just hating on his son and meddling in things that aren't really my problem. To a point they aren't, but they are because he is living in my house, I'm cooking for him, replenishing the food he eats, taking him with us when we go out to eat, etc. The whole thing is polar opposite to my relationship with my kids and their raising. Both have always had loving expectations of them. My DD is younger than SS but now ahead of him in college and working 30+ hours a week while going full time and in a sorority. My kids are happy and want to be successful. SS is neither right now. Part of the problem too is that he doesn't have any goal with those two degrees he is working on. He has never been able to articulate what he wants to do with them. He told someone who asked he planned to stay in school until he got PHD's because there wasn't really anthing out there to do without them. Right.  I'm a fixer, and this is something I can't fix. It's like having OCD about something and not being able to even try to satisfy it. I went to my therapist, all she could say was "you are in a tough place."                                          





Someone please explain to me depression of this type. SS23 dropped out of his junior spring semester after he got off his depression medication cold turkey. That I understand because that messes with your whole system. This was in January. He had yet to do anything whatsoever but play computer games. He's been to at least 4 doctors and counselors who swap around his medication and say he needs time. At home he seems perfectly content. He has no friends, no going out of the house, just eat sleep tv and games. He lived with us February-August then said he was going back to school. Instead he ended up living with BM and her husband. He is here now because they needed his room for guests and I'm not sure but what he won't stay here. My patients are almost at the end. If he seemed sick I could understand but he just seems like he's happy to be taken care of with no responsibility under the umbrella of not being well. One thing I have learned, DH and BM weren't the kind of communicators with their kids I am. We talk!! They don't know what is going on in his head and don't try too. So frustrated, just had to vent this.

by on Nov. 21, 2017 at 10:39 AM
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Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Nov. 21, 2017 at 11:34 AM

This would be a no go in my house. Let SS know he needs to go back on treartment and get a full time job or go back to school at least part time and get a part time job. No way at 23 should he be laying around the house doing nothing.

K3412
by on Nov. 21, 2017 at 11:38 AM
2 moms liked this
Depression looks different for different people. Laying around the house playing video games could easily be an expression of depression. It’s possibky he’s milking it, but it’s also possible he’s not. Sounds like an environment that isn’t conducive to healing though. I agree that something needs to change.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Nov. 21, 2017 at 11:48 AM
1 mom liked this

What incentive does he have to 'get better' or to 'move on'?  Sounds like a pretty cushy set up to me.  He has free room and board, free food, free time to play his video games, he doesn't have friends so he's not being pulled by others to 'grow up' or 'get out' or anything.  What incentive does he have to make a change?  

ODS is 19.  He thought when he came home from playing his sport late last spring that he'd have 'time' to sleep in, play video games until the early hours of the morning (though was a bit upset that he couldn't use the big screen TV in the living room while the rest of us were awake), eat the food in the house, try to boss his younger brother around, go hang out with friends as he pleased, and be generally unhappy and unmotivated (and downright rude sometimes) towards me, and his grandmothers.  Well, I tried talking to him (he and I used to be able to talk about anything and everything. No more, apparently).  He'd 'say' the right thing but his actions showed he either didn't remember saying what he said, he didn't think I meant what I said, or he just didn't give a shit (I'm leaning towards this one).  He had it easy at home.  I was giving him time to adjust but I'd given him too much time.  

His world as he knew it stopped a few months ago.  He pushed his brother too far, got slightly physical, and I ended up kicking ODS out of the house for 4 or 5 days.  I couldn't kick YDS15 out (though I'd have liked to do that as well - the way BOTH of them are/were acting at the time) but ODS I could.  He could go stay with friends.  He could go to BF/SMs home (he won't do that).  He could go to his other grandma's house (he only did that the last night, apparently).  He could sleep in the car (we're in SoCal, the weather is never 'too bad' to do this).  I didn't care, but he couldn't come home, or one or more of us would have ended up in jail.  

When he did come home, we had a family meeting.  I was no longer going to make things 'comfortable' for him around the house.  If he chose to 'sleep in' until noon, because he stayed awake until 3 or 4 am, that was on him, but no one else in the house was going to 'be quiet because he's still sleeping' past 7am anymore.  Sometimes we are, but sometimes we aren't.  The rest of us just go about our day, and he can figure out how to sleep through it OR he can go to bed at a decent time and get up when normal people get up.  I stopped buying all of his groceries.  He can go with me and I'll buy him the staples that he'll eat, but I don't cook for him, I expect him to clean up after himself or he's not allowed to bring more food into the house, or he can handle the food all on his own.  

Is your DH willing and able to make life 'uncomfortable' for his DS23?  Or, is your DH just fine fully supporting a fully-functioning adult in his home, 'forever', and you disagree?  

I remember reading in a column long ago, Dear Abby or (more likely) Erma Bombeck (loved her!), talking about a mom, I think (not a SM), who took to vacuuming each morning around 7am, in the nude (or nearly nude), to 'encourage' her DS to get up and get out of the house.  She'd wear skimpy clothing (this was in the 80s when I read this, 'skimpy' may differ now LOL) during the day to discourage him being home and 'uncomfortable' around her, from bringing friends home (who wants to see their friends mom dressed that way?!?!), from just hanging out at the house watching TV or playing video games, etc.  There was no lock on his bedroom door, once 7am hit, she could/would walk in/out as she pleased, as the rest of the house was already awake.  She'd make enough dinner for her and DH only, the 'kid' (he was at least 20) was on his own.  She began shopping for the 'better' foods she and her DH enjoyed and stopped buying the mac n cheese the 'kid' seemed to live on.  Things like this.  I think the article said it took him about 4 or 5 months to move out, because 'he just couldn't take it anymore!'.  LOL  

Might be something to think about?  ;)  

MonarchMom22
by on Nov. 21, 2017 at 7:21 PM
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That sounds like depression to me.  It is not normal for a 23 year old to have no friends, no motivation, no social contacts, no ambition.  Some people keep it inside and present a calm facade.  Playing video games is a way to avoid interaction and avoid your own thoughts.  This young man needs professional help and ongoing treament.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Nov. 21, 2017 at 9:10 PM

First of all, is he safe?  Is he suicidal?

If he is safe, then I don't believe anyone is doing him any favors allowing him to live at home with no expectations.  I can relate, I have SS18 who has basically stopped going to school since the start of his junior year (he should have graduated last June), he plays video games, he sees his friends, he does nothing around the house and does not communicate.  If expectations are placed on him he spins out and wants to kill himself.  From my perspective it feels very manipulative.  Finally, DH and BM have put down their feet.  During the summer he was informed that he either needed to be enrolled in school or he paid rent.  And of course when shit got real and he was going tp have to pay rent he spun out.  But BM and DH are being firm and he has paid rent.  He is starting top go to school.  Not much else though.  he lioves at mom's, doesn't help, made other plans without consulting anyone for thanksgiving and never calls his dad.  BM says not to personalize that - she says he only talks to her because they live together. I try not to judge DH and BM though because I don't know what I would do if either of my girls were suicidal.  I would do anything to keep them alive.

I think clear expectations are important..

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Nov. 21, 2017 at 9:40 PM
His most recent therapist said he was not suicidal, just sad. Is she right? That is what his parents rightly worry about but won't talk about. I don't push my husband or complain to him because what if he were to harm himself? I'd be devastated. However, he can't hide hide from life or recover playing games 16 hours a day. See, I would be meeting with every doctor, talking to his old roommates, talking with him. BM never checked in with us when he lived with us and DH is the same. I just don't get it.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Nov. 22, 2017 at 4:22 AM
It took years for DH and BM to realize they needed to parent this kid together. And yours truly who has strived to have BM exit her life was the one pushing DH into regular communication with her.



Quoting Bertieb: His most recent therapist said he was not suicidal, just sad. Is she right? That is what his parents rightly worry about but won't talk about. I don't push my husband or complain to him because what if he were to harm himself? I'd be devastated. However, he can't hide hide from life or recover playing games 16 hours a day. See, I would be meeting with every doctor, talking to his old roommates, talking with him. BM never checked in with us when he lived with us and DH is the same. I just don't get it.
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Nov. 22, 2017 at 6:32 PM
1 mom liked this
He seems depressed to me. I suffer quite a bit from mental illness, and have this does seem like serious depression. He might seem fine, but he's clearly not.

The thing is, he won't get better by doing nothing. Your husband needs to get him some serious therapy. They have partial hospitalization programs with intensive therapy that you have to go to every day. That's what I would recommend for your SS. He needs to really be working on himself and he needs a reason to get up and out of the house every day. A program like that will accomplish both things.

Does he have a regular therapist he sees now. If so, that therapist can recommend him for a PHP or outpatient hospitalization. If not, you can still call on your own. He needs therapy though because meds alone don't fix it.


Quoting Bertieb: His most recent therapist said he was not suicidal, just sad. Is she right? That is what his parents rightly worry about but won't talk about. I don't push my husband or complain to him because what if he were to harm himself? I'd be devastated. However, he can't hide hide from life or recover playing games 16 hours a day. See, I would be meeting with every doctor, talking to his old roommates, talking with him. BM never checked in with us when he lived with us and DH is the same. I just don't get it.
Leigh84
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2017 at 10:37 AM
He very well may be depressed. As other have mentioned depression can look different in different people. You said, he’s been to 4 different counselors. Is he current getting treatment? If not, that’s the problem. It can be hard sometimes to find a dr who you’re comfortable with and who “gets it.” If he doesn’t seem to be getting better dh and bm should help him find a dr who can come up w/a wellness plan that will work for him.
Boobear110
by Audra on Nov. 24, 2017 at 10:44 PM
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Depression is a beast with many faces. If you didn’t live in my house you would never know I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I function at work put my happy face on, get through my day and do my job . I get home and it is hiding in my room from the world if I can. My fiancé is so good about dragging me out of my safe place. He does it gently because if he doesn’t I just sink further and push him away.. 

His parents need to help him through this 

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