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Close to calling it quits

Posted by on Nov. 25, 2017 at 11:01 PM
  • 49 Replies
I have 3 kids. 2 are step and one is bio. Since my SS turned 13 he has turned into an a$$ to me and my son. He aruguess about everything, breaks my son's things on purpose (he has admitted to that) and tonight walks in and says to my SD are you staying at grandmas tonight? When she said no he told her ok I'm leaving...and left. No bye to me or even asking if he could stay the night at their home.

Thanksgiving Day my SS told me he wants me to stop talking to him period.

My step kids bio mom is completely out of pic. She hasn't seen or talked to them since 09. Her choice not ours. She has put these kids thru enougj anyways.

I have tried talkin to my husband but he just says he is tired of my SS and me arguing.

I'm am about to call it quits and get a divorce over this cause it is affecting my marriage.
by on Nov. 25, 2017 at 11:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
progressandjoy
by Gold Member on Nov. 25, 2017 at 11:35 PM
2 moms liked this
I think I might be confused - are you trying to prevent your marriage from being effected? If so, divorce is the opposite of trying to save a marriage.

I think you have to separate your relationship with your husband from your relationship with SS. You can step away from SS, without stepping away as a wife to DH.

Why does your DH think you argue with his son? How does he handle the facts of his son's behavior (that he admitted to breaking your son's things, leaving the house without anyone's knowledge)?
JLC_mama
by Member on Nov. 25, 2017 at 11:41 PM
When I say something SS will argue which irritates me and we yell.

My DH was not home when he left. I called and told him and he said ok. my in laws don't help anything they let kids walk all over me.

Yes I want to save my marriage U live NY DH and he has been a better dad to my SS than my ex husband has. I just can't take the disrespect anymore.



Quoting progressandjoy: I think I might be confused - are you trying to prevent your marriage from being effected? If so, divorce is the opposite of trying to save a marriage.

I think you have to separate your relationship with your husband from your relationship with SS. You can step away from SS, without stepping away as a wife to DH.

Why does your DH think you argue with his son? How does he handle the facts of his son's behavior (that he admitted to breaking your son's things, leaving the house without anyone's knowledge)?
Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Nov. 26, 2017 at 1:25 PM

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?

JLC_mama
by Member on Nov. 26, 2017 at 3:30 PM
If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it.

As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister.

No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would.

Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy.

I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.


Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?

anonomomma
by Member on Nov. 26, 2017 at 5:06 PM
2 moms liked this
Stop doing the kids chores and leave it for your husband to deal with. Disengaging doesn't mean be a doormat.

Quoting JLC_mama: If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it.



As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister.



No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would.



Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy.



I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.

Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?

Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Nov. 26, 2017 at 5:19 PM
So don't do any of it.
You knew he was going there. Him telling you directly is you vying for control, doing it your way only. You knew and that is what mattered here. You're not picking your battles, you're creating them yourself.
Dad needs to handle his son. My husband has been in our kids lives for nearly 14 years. The oldest is a 16 year old daughter. I handle her when she is acting like a teen girl. Not him. And he is the dad(adopted).
Sometimes kids need their parent to step up. In my case, natural parent.
Have dad deal with the kid and your life will be easier.

Quoting JLC_mama: If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it.

As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister.

No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would.

Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy.

I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.


Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?

jpickens
by Gold Member on Nov. 27, 2017 at 2:34 AM
5 moms liked this

I don't think OP is being unreasonable by expecting any minor child in her care to let her know before they leave the house and telling a child before doing what he wants doesn't cut it.   I understand the child is going with family, but that is a very bad habit to start and the father needs to nip that in the bud before it gets worse. 

But I still agree with the overall advice because it still comes back to Dad.  He needs to step up, handle his kid and stop pushing this off on his wife to deal with. 

Quoting Shabby_Chic: So don't do any of it. You knew he was going there. Him telling you directly is you vying for control, doing it your way only. You knew and that is what mattered here. You're not picking your battles, you're creating them yourself. Dad needs to handle his son. My husband has been in our kids lives for nearly 14 years. The oldest is a 16 year old daughter. I handle her when she is acting like a teen girl. Not him. And he is the dad(adopted). Sometimes kids need their parent to step up. In my case, natural parent. Have dad deal with the kid and your life will be easier.
Quoting JLC_mama: If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it. As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister. No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would. Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy. I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.
Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?


jpickens
by Gold Member on Nov. 27, 2017 at 3:50 AM

Does your SS act like this towrds his father or is it just you only?   Have you guys tried marriage/family counceling? 

I agree that you should disengage but it won't solve it long term if your DH doesn't get to the root of the problem and why he is acting like this (outside of normal teenage behavior) because I am sure his mother being out of the picture is something your SS is dealing with too. 

Quoting JLC_mama: If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it. As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister. No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would. Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy. I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.
Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?


Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2017 at 8:17 AM
7 moms liked this

HELLLLLLL NO

THiS STOPS NOW

You sit that so called husband down and tell him.
NO MORE

Since he does not want you discipling his son-and he chooses NOT to parent his child-YOU ARE DONE.

No more rides

no more pocket money

no more doing his laundry/chores

In fact-Dad can be his son's bitch.

Son doesn't clean his room "Honey, be sure you handle that"

He wants to stay with Grandparents?! LET HIM-less stress on you. Boy bye-don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

It's called disengaging for a reason.


And if your husband wants to divorce because you're not doing for his kid-smack him with the frying pan and remind him.

Not your kid,not your problem.


You handle your bios-and let that asscactus handle his kids.

And tell SS since he can not talk to you with respect he's not allowed to talk to you at all.

If he comes to you for anything you tell him "Ask your father"

It has worked for me for several years with SD16

Quoting JLC_mama: If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it. As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister. No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would. Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy. I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.
Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?



tiafez
by Platinum Member on Nov. 27, 2017 at 9:29 AM
2 moms liked this

give the boy what he wants. stop participating in him. no more maid, no more free rides, no more anything. if he has a hissy, tell him to call his dad. 


Quoting JLC_mama: If my SS talked to my husband like my SS talks to me I would discipline him. It's not just because he argues with me it's the faCT Im his maid, chauffer and all around slave and I get no back up when I need it fro DH. My husband wants me to have them do chores well don't work when kid throws a fit till I give in and do it. As for last night his dad wasn't here for him to ask so he just done what he wanted. I think he should have at leaSt shown me some respect and said something to me and not his sister. No he wasn't hurting anyone but leaving his sister to do his chores and hers. AND the deal had been he stayed Friday night and his sister got to sat. And since sister didn't want to he decided he would. Oh trust me I have disengaged He hasn't lifted a finger all day. I have done everyone's chores plus mine while he got to sit on couch and watch movies. So he is happy. I'm tired of him treating me like sh*t and my DS.
Quoting Shabby_Chic:

If this was your kid, what would you do? Divorce because a teen argued with you and you argued back?

Back off of the kid.  He's made it clear that you aren't his mom, his parent.  If you push you'll lose. So disengage. Eventually he may come around if you give him space and time. 

As for needing your permission to spend time at his grandparents?  Why does he need to ask you if he can?  Was he hurting anyone by going over there and hanging out at their home or is it that you are in a tug of war over who is in control with the kid and just can't let him make any decision that actually has no bearing on you?


Verified BM/SM/BOB .... wwnsdd?

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