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Go to strategies for teen stepkids

Posted by on Dec. 4, 2017 at 7:54 PM
  • 32 Replies
I'm serious, my hormones are all out of wack and I'm ready to flip tables.

How do you deal with the snotty back talk and the fucked up shit they say?

When I raising my then teenage baby sis after mom died, (because my dad had check out of life) while she was a dumpster fire it didn't give me agita so much, because she was blood. I think tbere being a biological connection makes it easier to "do what needs to be done" if that makes sense.

When they are NOT your kids but live with you full time, it's extremely hard to do what you would do for blood family. You don't have that much leeway even if dad says "okay, if they act up take away the games" etc. you feel me? Because then it's WELL DAD SAID or MOM THIS and the daggers like wtf is this cat telling ME what to DO?

I have no tolerance for the back talk, the snotty bullshit, the arguments, the laziness or the gem of a 13 year old still in middle school "I'm staying over my friends house" no you ain't, you didn't even ASK homeboy!

So what do you do with stepchildren who are teenagers and act the fool? Fight the war? Walk away? Passive aggressively call the phone company and shut off their smart phones? What works?

Mind, my husband does go hard. But he's third shift. I'm days now. I feel like they think that's their liscence to ill or something.
by on Dec. 4, 2017 at 7:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lovingladyo4
by New Member on Dec. 4, 2017 at 8:08 PM

What kind of arrangements had you agreed upon before getting married? Just curious.

PinkButterfly66
by New Member on Dec. 4, 2017 at 8:18 PM
1 mom liked this

My kid has back talked me since she was 5.   Ya gotta let some of it just roll off your back and not react and keep your sense of humor though.  Sarcasm, I would let fly, out and out disrespectfulness she got called out on and usually grounded for.  Sarcasm and teens go together like peas and carrots, lol.

anonomomma
by Member on Dec. 4, 2017 at 8:23 PM
What hours does your DH work? He should be sleeping while they are in school and parenting when they are not.

Like the poster above said though, some stuff you have to let roll off your back. Figure out what battles are worth fighting and what are worth letting go. Also, EC's are a great way to keep teens busy and out of your hair. In a couple years the thirteen year old can also get a job. If all else fails turn off the phones and change the WiFi password.
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Dec. 4, 2017 at 9:43 PM
He went from day shift to second shift. That means he doesn't come home until they are in bed but there when they wake up. I get off around six, but I work 12 hour shifts so that's how many hours before lights out. EOWE they are at moms, every weekend they are here he's mostly here unless he has to work OT .

It used to be he was there more than I was... And used to be he was EOWE so it didn't matter so much. Nearly two years they have been living here, and I can't deal with the asshole shit. Sarcasm fine. But telling me "why don't YOU do it " when I'm asking them to take out garbage, are you shitting me?

Sometimes my husband will call them from work and handle it, but he works at a power plant. He can't deal with their shit at work either, so I'm in a situation I hate, being the bad guy.

Quoting anonomomma: What hours does your DH work? He should be sleeping while they are in school and parenting when they are not.

Like the poster above said though, some stuff you have to let roll off your back. Figure out what battles are worth fighting and what are worth letting go. Also, EC's are a great way to keep teens busy and out of your hair. In a couple years the thirteen year old can also get a job. If all else fails turn off the phones and change the WiFi password.
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Dec. 4, 2017 at 9:45 PM
He had EOWE and I've let the parents parent and stayed in my lane ( Thanks, SMC).

If they acted the fool id take things away (which dad told me to do, which mom does at her house ).

Easier when they are little. Harder when they are older and t least one is bigger than you are. I seriously can't take the lying and the disrespect. Hate that shit. So what do I do? How do you make it stop?

Quoting lovingladyo4:

What kind of arrangements had you agreed upon before getting married? Just curious.

lovingladyo4
by New Member on Dec. 4, 2017 at 11:05 PM

I don't know that there is a quick fix to this. So many factors come into play. There may be a lot of conflicting messages being sent into these kid's lives and if one offers an easy way out, they take the path of least resistance. Hormones, peer pressure, group acceptance, self worth, approval from peers, and premature independence steer kids and they don't even know it. They would never admit to the fact.  

Rebellion sounds like it's at the core of this power struggle, and possibly playing you against the dad. I don't know - just speculating here. 

Kids need to be respected whether they are worthy of it or not. They are shaping their view of themselves by the way they get treated. And also by the way family members react and respond to them. Their peers don't have boundaries like home life does. Maybe dad doesn't enforce any boundaries either. So the lack of consistent structure confuses a child and makes them feel insecure. Defiance comes into play then, usually as a means to protect themselves and prove they can take care of themselves. 

God never intended for strife, discord, and anger be a part of healthy family life. And yet we see that kids now-a-days aren't being raised with the same accountability for character development the way they need to.

The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sin. This means that when rebellion is bound up in the heart of a child/teen, we can still love them without loving their sin. There are consequences to bad behavior and character corruption, but they will someday have to face their conscience and be held accountable.

Pray for these children everyday. Let them know how much you value them as people. I know it's not easy, but you have an opportunity to send a whole new message into their lives. They will see the change. You may not be able to change them, but you can change yourself. I had to do this, so I am speaking from experience.


Quoting pusheen-kitty: He had EOWE and I've let the parents parent and stayed in my lane ( Thanks, SMC). If they acted the fool id take things away (which dad told me to do, which mom does at her house ). Easier when they are little. Harder when they are older and t least one is bigger than you are. I seriously can't take the lying and the disrespect. Hate that shit. So what do I do? How do you make it stop?
Quoting lovingladyo4:

What kind of arrangements had you agreed upon before getting married? Just curious.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2017 at 11:50 PM
1 mom liked this

I got n othingv except to validate I think you are right about the "blood" thing.  Not so much blood, but ultimate responsibility.  I want to believe that if I adopted a child, I would still feel the same way I do about my bio kids.  Make sense?

All I can say is it gets better?  Teens are hard but when they were my teens (fuck - it's been 3 years since my YDD was a teen!) they were hard in a different way.  I felt total freedom to call them on their shit; walk away or shut off their phones.  With skids my only sanity check was they were not my responsibility.  

You are in a different role and a more difficult role because it is also a new role and they are dealing with lots of change.  I guess I would really suggest doing the least amount of needing to parent as possible.  Set life up for natural consequences to take precedent.  The kid needs to know back talk means loss of car privileges or something.  Not informing the adult in charge of a sleepover means np ride to or pick up from said sleepover.  And don't be the adult in charge of granting those types of permissions.  Kid MUST make arrangements with Dad and if kid doesn't, Dad lays down consequences.  You need to do a lot of letting go or you will go insance.

It gets better.  Well, for 2 of my 3 skids it is better.  SD25 has too many of her own issues and we have zero relationship; SS18 has his mental healrh challenges and his relationships are strained with anyone not his friends.  Saying that, based on how we have been with each other I have great hope that once he finds some peacethe two of us will have an awesome relationship.  Lots of non-parenting love was shared with that man child.

But ss20?  What a fabulous young man who drove me absolutely bat shit frustrating crazy during middle and high school.  We text and talk and he comes to me for advice and we just generally really enjoy each other.

You have to figure out how to bare minimum parent.  Not saying let them do drugs and have sex in yourhome, but do what you can to have dad contuinue to be primary parent.


Make sense?

hotspice58
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 11:51 AM

So true that sarcasm and teens go together!!!  When I have a cool head, I disengage!!!  When you engage, it fuels them...  I also have the luxury of turning off phones.. which I've done.  The reps at AT&T would think I was nuts.  (now I can do it online).  It does get better.  and mid teens is supposed to be the hardest.  I've disengaged and become friends with wine!!

chaoticjoy
by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 12:42 PM

It really sucks when we are in a position where we feel helpless. I am sorry you are going through this, I wonder if a sit down meeting would help were dad leads the discussion? It sounds like they need a clear definition of what is expected of them and consequences when these expectations are not met. Maybe dad needs to be the disciplinarian when they disrespect you, like hotspice58 said, with the flip of a switch he can probably have their phones shut down. And when you need to do this, don't engage with them. If they ask calmly explain to them the why and then move on, walk away if you must. I pray this is just a stage and things get better really quick, blessings to you!

Ms_Smock
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 12:47 PM
Maybe you should be more respectful to them.

Why couldn't he stay the night at a friends?
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