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Go to strategies for teen stepkids

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I'm serious, my hormones are all out of wack and I'm ready to flip tables.

How do you deal with the snotty back talk and the fucked up shit they say?

When I raising my then teenage baby sis after mom died, (because my dad had check out of life) while she was a dumpster fire it didn't give me agita so much, because she was blood. I think tbere being a biological connection makes it easier to "do what needs to be done" if that makes sense.

When they are NOT your kids but live with you full time, it's extremely hard to do what you would do for blood family. You don't have that much leeway even if dad says "okay, if they act up take away the games" etc. you feel me? Because then it's WELL DAD SAID or MOM THIS and the daggers like wtf is this cat telling ME what to DO?

I have no tolerance for the back talk, the snotty bullshit, the arguments, the laziness or the gem of a 13 year old still in middle school "I'm staying over my friends house" no you ain't, you didn't even ASK homeboy!

So what do you do with stepchildren who are teenagers and act the fool? Fight the war? Walk away? Passive aggressively call the phone company and shut off their smart phones? What works?

Mind, my husband does go hard. But he's third shift. I'm days now. I feel like they think that's their liscence to ill or something.
by on Dec. 4, 2017 at 7:54 PM
Replies (31-38):
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2017 at 4:20 AM
Change is hard but necessary at times.

My mom is one of 14 kids (yes bio & step)
Let me tell you god help if any of us kids did wrong because boy did we get disciplined 不不不不不不不

I will say-not once did my mother get bent out of shape because of somebody interfering

She was grateful for the help (Ill admit my siblings and I were assholes)

My grandmother was a mother for ....(let me think here)...57 yrs is my oldest uncle-her first born-she died...5yrs ago so for over 50 years she was a mom/SM

And even she has said you can change yourself for the sake of your kids.

She has also said if your kids do not say l hate you at least once-youre parenting wrong.

She knew she had to be strict (and she was especially with all those kids in her house) but at least her kids and stepkids can say she did a job well done.

However its 2017-parents are raising entitled snowflakes Nd Asshole brats.

And they think its okay because god forbid they get told no!




Ive been known to tell Princess no a few times and lord did the Earth move those days!
But you know what-she got over it and I held firm. Not many are willing-they eventually cave to soothe the beast


Quoting pusheen-kitty: LORD-

You have a point. My husband likes to say he's been a dad for x amount of years, I got this, but I don't know if he realizes he has to transition from EOWE to full time dad yet. I keep telling him to be their parent not their adult friend- they need guidance. They are not supposed to "like" you. You can say no. But what the fuck do I know? I'm not a "real" parent .. So it's weird for me to say.

And me, I've been the "stay in your lane" be cool Pusheen, me being more of the "pusheen the stepmom" is probably a shock to both the kids and I.

Fuck it, Ive got to find the line like PDX said, parent but not parent. Hopefully DH can get off third and second shift, maybe we need another coming to Jesus talk. At a time where I'm not so Bitchy lol.

Quoting Tigress22304: Im sorry your honor. Id like to plead mental insanity due to raising a teenager with a Disney dad!
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2017 at 6:29 PM
I got nothing. But I can relate to resenting Dad. I had to work really hard for awhile separating DH the Dad from DH my husband. I sometimes didnt respect DH the Dad. What helped was repeating to myself he wasnt a bad dad, just different than me. And since we didnt share kids, I needed to let it be different.

I dont know what you can do. Calgon aint enough. I could focus on DDs and our relationship. Do you feel alone?

Quoting pusheen-kitty: Thank you.

I'm finding it really hard. I make sure they know the rules come from dad, and some of its communication ( dad says yes and doesn't tell me when it was no before) but I'm having a hard time letting things roll off my back. They are teenagers, I get it, they are assholes, but they are not MY assholes and there is very little leeway I have in going hard as it were, so it makes me wanna flip a table.

It could be worse- they could be smoking crack, throwing up gang signs and having orgies on their bunk beds, I know this. One kid is sexually active already and I pray to whatever's holy he knows enough not to be a teen dad. Fuck.

all I do is enforce a rule. So if the rule is no video games ok. But one kid is never where he should be, and the other kid is sneaky as fuck- just does what he wants and acts stupid later or x y z. I really shouldnt care if they are galevanting around the hood, but one is small for his age and not exactly street smart - the other one acts like he's 14 going on 17, and I don't have the patience or time to go looking around the neighborhood for them.

So I talk to dad, he talks to his kids, and they will listen for a little while and then the bullshit repeats. I'm so stressed out, I'm waiting for my insurance to put me in therapy, because right now I just feel either depressed, rage, or resentment. I don't want anything to do with them sometimes, and that's shitty. And I'm beginning to resent their dad, and that's fucked.

Calgon take me away..

Quoting pdxmum:

I got n othingv except to validate I think you are right about the "blood" thing.  Not so much blood, but ultimate responsibility.  I want to believe that if I adopted a child, I would still feel the same way I do about my bio kids.  Make sense?

All I can say is it gets better?  Teens are hard but when they were my teens (fuck - it's been 3 years since my YDD was a teen!) they were hard in a different way.  I felt total freedom to call them on their shit; walk away or shut off their phones.  With skids my only sanity check was they were not my responsibility.  

You are in a different role and a more difficult role because it is also a new role and they are dealing with lots of change.  I guess I would really suggest doing the least amount of needing to parent as possible.  Set life up for natural consequences to take precedent.  The kid needs to know back talk means loss of car privileges or something.  Not informing the adult in charge of a sleepover means np ride to or pick up from said sleepover.  And don't be the adult in charge of granting those types of permissions.  Kid MUST make arrangements with Dad and if kid doesn't, Dad lays down consequences.  You need to do a lot of letting go or you will go insance.

It gets better.  Well, for 2 of my 3 skids it is better.  SD25 has too many of her own issues and we have zero relationship; SS18 has his mental healrh challenges and his relationships are strained with anyone not his friends.  Saying that, based on how we have been with each other I have great hope that once he finds some peacethe two of us will have an awesome relationship.  Lots of non-parenting love was shared with that man child.

But ss20?  What a fabulous young man who drove me absolutely bat shit frustrating crazy during middle and high school.  We text and talk and he comes to me for advice and we just generally really enjoy each other.

You have to figure out how to bare minimum parent.  Not saying let them do drugs and have sex in yourhome, but do what you can to have dad contuinue to be primary parent.

Make sense?

annabl1970
by Platinum Member on Dec. 14, 2017 at 8:05 PM
1 mom liked this
separate DH the Dad from DH the Husband - I like that.
Should be a mantra for SM who doesnt share kids with DH.

Quoting pdxmum: I got nothing. But I can relate to resenting Dad. I had to work really hard for awhile separating DH the Dad from DH my husband. I sometimes didnt respect DH the Dad. What helped was repeating to myself he wasnt a bad dad, just different than me. And since we didnt share kids, I needed to let it be different.

I dont know what you can do. Calgon aint enough. I could focus on DDs and our relationship. Do you feel alone?

Quoting pusheen-kitty: Thank you.

I'm finding it really hard. I make sure they know the rules come from dad, and some of its communication ( dad says yes and doesn't tell me when it was no before) but I'm having a hard time letting things roll off my back. They are teenagers, I get it, they are assholes, but they are not MY assholes and there is very little leeway I have in going hard as it were, so it makes me wanna flip a table.

It could be worse- they could be smoking crack, throwing up gang signs and having orgies on their bunk beds, I know this. One kid is sexually active already and I pray to whatever's holy he knows enough not to be a teen dad. Fuck.

all I do is enforce a rule. So if the rule is no video games ok. But one kid is never where he should be, and the other kid is sneaky as fuck- just does what he wants and acts stupid later or x y z. I really shouldnt care if they are galevanting around the hood, but one is small for his age and not exactly street smart - the other one acts like he's 14 going on 17, and I don't have the patience or time to go looking around the neighborhood for them.

So I talk to dad, he talks to his kids, and they will listen for a little while and then the bullshit repeats. I'm so stressed out, I'm waiting for my insurance to put me in therapy, because right now I just feel either depressed, rage, or resentment. I don't want anything to do with them sometimes, and that's shitty. And I'm beginning to resent their dad, and that's fucked.

Calgon take me away..

Quoting pdxmum:

I got n othingv except to validate I think you are right about the "blood" thing.  Not so much blood, but ultimate responsibility.  I want to believe that if I adopted a child, I would still feel the same way I do about my bio kids.  Make sense?

All I can say is it gets better?  Teens are hard but when they were my teens (fuck - it's been 3 years since my YDD was a teen!) they were hard in a different way.  I felt total freedom to call them on their shit; walk away or shut off their phones.  With skids my only sanity check was they were not my responsibility.  

You are in a different role and a more difficult role because it is also a new role and they are dealing with lots of change.  I guess I would really suggest doing the least amount of needing to parent as possible.  Set life up for natural consequences to take precedent.  The kid needs to know back talk means loss of car privileges or something.  Not informing the adult in charge of a sleepover means np ride to or pick up from said sleepover.  And don't be the adult in charge of granting those types of permissions.  Kid MUST make arrangements with Dad and if kid doesn't, Dad lays down consequences.  You need to do a lot of letting go or you will go insance.

It gets better.  Well, for 2 of my 3 skids it is better.  SD25 has too many of her own issues and we have zero relationship; SS18 has his mental healrh challenges and his relationships are strained with anyone not his friends.  Saying that, based on how we have been with each other I have great hope that once he finds some peacethe two of us will have an awesome relationship.  Lots of non-parenting love was shared with that man child.

But ss20?  What a fabulous young man who drove me absolutely bat shit frustrating crazy during middle and high school.  We text and talk and he comes to me for advice and we just generally really enjoy each other.

You have to figure out how to bare minimum parent.  Not saying let them do drugs and have sex in yourhome, but do what you can to have dad contuinue to be primary parent.

Make sense?

annabl1970
by Platinum Member on Dec. 14, 2017 at 8:14 PM
I am sorry, dont know what advice to offer. I cant even say it will get better. Because I dont know if it will or not. Maybe you have to put your foot down harder with dad and make him really enforce the rules and consequences. Do they respect him? Or they can run all over him?
I am pretty sure if SD was living with us - I would be feeling the same like you.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 10:45 PM
2 moms liked this

It is so much easier now that I moved to Seattle and none of the kids live with us. I see DDs anytime I want 15 minutes away at the apartment they share.  SD24 has her own fucked up life in central oregon - even BM won't enable her anymore.  SS18 has completely retreated into his depressed world - we were done maintaining our home in Portland when he either never came over or when he did he would isolate in his room.  He never answers communications from DH but BM said the only reason she has any communication is because they live together so he should not take it personally.  SS20 is away at college in Minnesota, we see him on breaks which is wonderful, we will visit him in Ecuador in March while he is studying abroad.  I could live with him at this point - he has matured into an amazing young man.

Living with my troubled skids, even part-time, was really hard.  Living with my demanding DDs was also hard - I just happen to love them more.

Quoting annabl1970: I am sorry, dont know what advice to offer. I cant even say it will get better. Because I dont know if it will or not. Maybe you have to put your foot down harder with dad and make him really enforce the rules and consequences. Do they respect him? Or they can run all over him? I am pretty sure if SD was living with us - I would be feeling the same like you.


jpickens
by Gold Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 11:30 PM

LMFAOOOOO @  no you ain't, you didn't even ASK homeboy

Hope everything is better now.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 17, 2017 at 2:25 AM
If we called mom she, someone would say Whos she? The cats mother?

Core primal memory.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: That is the fucking problem.

I'm older than my husband. He's a millennial, so is BM, I just missed the millennial years i guess. But the millennial parenting style seems focused on feelings and happiness. Are they HAPPY. How does this make you FEEL. Fuck that.

I was raised by immigrant parents who were very strict on manners (never call your mom she, yes sir no sir, don't talk back, etc) not just to adults in the home but out as well.

DH kids- no manners. No please, no thank you, I have to tell them I'm not the polish house slave nor do I work for them. Now that DH had them full time, he tries to make them "men" like he did when he had EOWE, but I guess it never stuck. Or wasn't corrected enough. I try to say stupid shit like "your welcome" when I give them something etc or do something for them but who the fuck am I right? Christ.

Quoting Tigress22304:

Uhm hell no

why should the brat be allowed to go out and stay with friends simply because he does not speak to his SM respectfully?

That shit doesn't fly

It's called Dad needs to teach him manners.

Quoting Ms_Smock: Maybe you should be more respectful to them.

Why couldn't he stay the night at a friends?

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Dec. 17, 2017 at 2:27 AM
1 mom liked this
That was a big one. Mom was never "she." Dad was never "he". They were big on respect.

Quoting pdxmum: If we called mom she, someone would say Whos she? The cats mother?

Core primal memory.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: That is the fucking problem.

I'm older than my husband. He's a millennial, so is BM, I just missed the millennial years i guess. But the millennial parenting style seems focused on feelings and happiness. Are they HAPPY. How does this make you FEEL. Fuck that.

I was raised by immigrant parents who were very strict on manners (never call your mom she, yes sir no sir, don't talk back, etc) not just to adults in the home but out as well.

DH kids- no manners. No please, no thank you, I have to tell them I'm not the polish house slave nor do I work for them. Now that DH had them full time, he tries to make them "men" like he did when he had EOWE, but I guess it never stuck. Or wasn't corrected enough. I try to say stupid shit like "your welcome" when I give them something etc or do something for them but who the fuck am I right? Christ.

Quoting Tigress22304:

Uhm hell no

why should the brat be allowed to go out and stay with friends simply because he does not speak to his SM respectfully?

That shit doesn't fly

It's called Dad needs to teach him manners.

Quoting Ms_Smock: Maybe you should be more respectful to them.

Why couldn't he stay the night at a friends?

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