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SP/Adult SKids Question (possible trigger? - death mentioned)

Posted by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 5:52 PM
  • 20 Replies

I have NO experience with this but I thought I'd ask here.  

Have any of you, or your adult kids, lost a BP but remained close to your SP?  (SM or SF, I doubt it matters)  

SOs SM recently died.  He loved her (so did I).  She was an incredible lady.  

His BF and SM had been married 23/24 years, they'd married when SO and his sister, AND SMs two sons, were all adults already, so neither parent 'raised' the other kids, though they've been through much with each of the adult 'kids' over the years.  Due to some reasons I'm only peripherally aware of (and I'm sure I'm missing some information too), one of her DSs has waffled between not speaking to his SF anymore, or when he does, he's downright mean/nasty.  He's angry and hurt by some decisions made towards the end of his BMs life, but these were decisions his own BM requested (he just didn't/doesn't agree with them).  His BM isn't here, so I think he's lashing out at the person who IS still here, SF.  But, again, I'm also sure I'm missing some information (as it's truly NOT my business, I know that), so there could be more to this than I an hypothesizing too.  ;)  

Is it common/uncommon for adult Skids to pull away from the 'former' (?) SP, if they had maintained a good, close relationship while their BP was married to their SP?  

I don't mean that a Skid 'should' maintain a relationship with the SP, I'm just curious what may be more 'normal', if there is such a thing as 'normal' in a situation such as this?  And, I'm fully aware that it's just not my business too.  I'm not trying to 'fix' anything in this situation, it's not mine to 'fix'.  I'm just curious, and I don't recall this being discussed on here.  As for this situation, it is what it is.  I just thought it might be an interesting/insightful conversation (at least for me). :)  My boys aren't particularly close to their SM, only one is an adult (19) yet, so who knows that the future holds for them.  They like SMs family 'well enough' but don't speak to them outside of the one or two times a year they see them. 

Your thoughts? Whether you/your kids have been through it or not.  :)  

by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 5:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
anonomomma
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 6:06 PM
I haven't been through this so take it with a grain on salt, I would imagine of there were difficult decisions to be made at the end of life it would be easier to forgive a BP for those decisions over a SP. Again not having gone through it or really knowing the full story, that's where my thoughts go. I would imagine that it really just depends on the circumstances around the death and the will.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 6:49 PM

This is kind of where I'm leaning as well. :)

Fortunately, I don't think there are/were any issues with the will as both BP and SP set up their wills in what seems to be fairly 'fair' situations.  She had money, he had money, they were both retired/ready to retire when they married so there wasn't a lot of 'joint new income' made during their marriage, both had retirement funds and other money (family money, perhaps?), though neither was terribly wealthy (not Rockefeller wealthy), they were doing well enough on their own, lived frugally, and invested wisely over the years.  She had her will set up that her DH get 'some' and her adult kids, and grandkid(s) (I've only met one, not sure if there are more, I didn't ask) got a good chunk as well, like money left from her family and/or their BFs family, if that's what she had (money she already had set aside for her kids prior to marrying her DH).  I hope that's making sense.  SO and I have talked some about this (as in, he's shared with me things his BF has told him over time, not just because SM died).  Neither are/were the types to try to take from the adult kids, or go against the others wishes.  Both feel strongly about their own adult children, though, for a good long time, SOs BF had one of SMs sons listed as executor of their (combined) estate, as he was more responsible than any of the other adult children.  Now? That may not be the case, but 'now' it will only be HIS money left to be executor over, not hers.  (again, I hope that makes sense).  And, I'm still fully aware that I don't know 'everything', so I'm only guessing based on what I do know, and knowing the people involved. 

Thanks for bringing that up though.  I hadn't thought to mention that but it's a good point for other situations.  

Quoting anonomomma: I haven't been through this so take it with a grain on salt, I would imagine of there were difficult decisions to be made at the end of life it would be easier to forgive a BP for those decisions over a SP. Again not having gone through it or really knowing the full story, that's where my thoughts go. I would imagine that it really just depends on the circumstances around the death and the will.


anonomomma
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 7:03 PM
That makes sense. I was also thinking along the lines of DNR's or similar decisions. Death gets dicey in the best of situations with blood family. I can just imagine the nightmare that can ensue when there isn't the bio connection.

Quoting jules2boys:

This is kind of where I'm leaning as well. :)

Fortunately, I don't think there are/were any issues with the will as both BP and SP set up their wills in what seems to be fairly 'fair' situations.  She had money, he had money, they were both retired/ready to retire when they married so there wasn't a lot of 'joint new income' made during their marriage, both had retirement funds and other money (family money, perhaps?), though neither was terribly wealthy (not Rockefeller wealthy), they were doing well enough on their own, lived frugally, and invested wisely over the years.  She had her will set up that her DH get 'some' and her adult kids, and grandkid(s) (I've only met one, not sure if there are more, I didn't ask) got a good chunk as well, like money left from her family and/or their BFs family, if that's what she had (money she already had set aside for her kids prior to marrying her DH).  I hope that's making sense.  SO and I have talked some about this (as in, he's shared with me things his BF has told him over time, not just because SM died).  Neither are/were the types to try to take from the adult kids, or go against the others wishes.  Both feel strongly about their own adult children, though, for a good long time, SOs BF had one of SMs sons listed as executor of their (combined) estate, as he was more responsible than any of the other adult children.  Now? That may not be the case, but 'now' it will only be HIS money left to be executor over, not hers.  (again, I hope that makes sense).  And, I'm still fully aware that I don't know 'everything', so I'm only guessing based on what I do know, and knowing the people involved. 

Thanks for bringing that up though.  I hadn't thought to mention that but it's a good point for other situations.  

Quoting anonomomma: I haven't been through this so take it with a grain on salt, I would imagine of there were difficult decisions to be made at the end of life it would be easier to forgive a BP for those decisions over a SP. Again not having gone through it or really knowing the full story, that's where my thoughts go. I would imagine that it really just depends on the circumstances around the death and the will.

raczac
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 7:03 PM
1 mom liked this
One of my step brothers is still really close to my mom. My step dad passef in May of 2005. I can also tell you had my mom passed away before my step dad I wpuld still be extremly close to him. He is who I always called daddy. I was a daddus girl.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 7:20 PM

So he was your SF when you were a child too?  Was your Stepbrother also a child when your mom became his SM? 

I'm sorry he passed away.  Sounds like he was a good guy.  :) 

Quoting raczac: One of my step brothers is still really close to my mom. My step dad passef in May of 2005. I can also tell you had my mom passed away before my step dad I wpuld still be extremly close to him. He is who I always called daddy. I was a daddus girl.


raczac
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 7:22 PM
My brother was 14 when they got married. I was 7 when they got married. Thank you he was a really great man.

Quoting jules2boys:

So he was your SF when you were a child too?  Was your Stepbrother also a child when your mom became his SM? 

I'm sorry he passed away.  Sounds like he was a good guy.  :) 

Quoting raczac: One of my step brothers is still really close to my mom. My step dad passef in May of 2005. I can also tell you had my mom passed away before my step dad I wpuld still be extremly close to him. He is who I always called daddy. I was a daddus girl.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Dec. 6, 2017 at 5:40 AM
1 mom liked this
I have not been through this but my sf has. His mom and sf had been married for probably 30 years. He was closer his sf than he did his own bf. After his bm passed he stayed close to his sf for a little while however; his sf moved on somewhat quickly b/c he was lonely and that’s when my sf started to pull back. He tried to understand, but he was still grieving the loss of his bm and could not understand why his sf moved on so quickly.
Mompea5
by Bronze Member on Dec. 6, 2017 at 8:08 AM
1 mom liked this
My dad and sm got together when I was 14. My dad passed away the day before my 17th Birthday. I still keep in contact with my sm some but we aren’t super close. There were things she did when my dad was sick that I didn’t agree with and things she did after he passed that really upset me.
Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Dec. 6, 2017 at 8:51 PM
1 mom liked this
This has happened to my Sd, age 26 and Ss, age 29. Their BM died almost two years ago. Before that time they were both very close to their SF; they spent much more time with him than they did with my DH, their dad.
Less than three months after BM died, SF started dating and remodeled the family home (that BM left him in her will--she left him everything she had). Gradually SD saw him less and less and the bond became less close.
SS stayed closer because he worked for SF, but a few months ago he changed jobs. We don't think he sees SF as much, but l can't say for sure what their relationship is because DH and I do not have much contact with SS.
Basically l think when there is a death and the step patent moves on, especially as quickly as it happened in this case, the bond is broken. My SD was very hurt that her SF started dating when her mother had only been gone three months and frankly l wadupset for her.

Quoting jules2boys:

I have NO experience with this but I thought I'd ask here.  

Have any of you, or your adult kids, lost a BP but remained close to your SP?  (SM or SF, I doubt it matters)  

SOs SM recently died.  He loved her (so did I).  She was an incredible lady.  

His BF and SM had been married 23/24 years, they'd married when SO and his sister, AND SMs two sons, were all adults already, so neither parent 'raised' the other kids, though they've been through much with each of the adult 'kids' over the years.  Due to some reasons I'm only peripherally aware of (and I'm sure I'm missing some information too), one of her DSs has waffled between not speaking to his SF anymore, or when he does, he's downright mean/nasty.  He's angry and hurt by some decisions made towards the end of his BMs life, but these were decisions his own BM requested (he just didn't/doesn't agree with them).  His BM isn't here, so I think he's lashing out at the person who IS still here, SF.  But, again, I'm also sure I'm missing some information (as it's truly NOT my business, I know that), so there could be more to this than I an hypothesizing too.  ;)  

Is it common/uncommon for adult Skids to pull away from the 'former' (?) SP, if they had maintained a good, close relationship while their BP was married to their SP?  

I don't mean that a Skid 'should' maintain a relationship with the SP, I'm just curious what may be more 'normal', if there is such a thing as 'normal' in a situation such as this?  And, I'm fully aware that it's just not my business too.  I'm not trying to 'fix' anything in this situation, it's not mine to 'fix'.  I'm just curious, and I don't recall this being discussed on here.  As for this situation, it is what it is.  I just thought it might be an interesting/insightful conversation (at least for me). :)  My boys aren't particularly close to their SM, only one is an adult (19) yet, so who knows that the future holds for them.  They like SMs family 'well enough' but don't speak to them outside of the one or two times a year they see them. 

Your thoughts? Whether you/your kids have been through it or not.  :)  

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 9:54 AM
1 mom liked this
My dad and SM married 25 years ago? I was 30. No kids yet.

Thrilled he married a peer and not the 20ish stripper he was dating. SM lovely woman. When DDs were born she was grandma pure and simple. No step talk ever.

About 7 years ago I had to stop speaking to my dad. I wrote to SM and made sure she knew it was not about her.

Dad died about a year ago. I went to funeral. Surreal experience. At this point I could care less about SM. I’m Facebook friends with her sons wife. That the only connection. She and her family (except this son and wife) loved my dad and did not care for the daughter (me) that rejected him.

I will probably never see or speak to SM again.

DHs mom died about 2 years ago. Married to SF for 30 plus years. DH was an adult when they married. He still checks in on SF. Can’t say he will ever travel to see him ever again though. SF has his bio daughters. DH and SF we’re close but not close enough to continue without mom around.
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