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SP/Adult SKids Question (possible trigger? - death mentioned)

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I have NO experience with this but I thought I'd ask here.  

Have any of you, or your adult kids, lost a BP but remained close to your SP?  (SM or SF, I doubt it matters)  

SOs SM recently died.  He loved her (so did I).  She was an incredible lady.  

His BF and SM had been married 23/24 years, they'd married when SO and his sister, AND SMs two sons, were all adults already, so neither parent 'raised' the other kids, though they've been through much with each of the adult 'kids' over the years.  Due to some reasons I'm only peripherally aware of (and I'm sure I'm missing some information too), one of her DSs has waffled between not speaking to his SF anymore, or when he does, he's downright mean/nasty.  He's angry and hurt by some decisions made towards the end of his BMs life, but these were decisions his own BM requested (he just didn't/doesn't agree with them).  His BM isn't here, so I think he's lashing out at the person who IS still here, SF.  But, again, I'm also sure I'm missing some information (as it's truly NOT my business, I know that), so there could be more to this than I an hypothesizing too.  ;)  

Is it common/uncommon for adult Skids to pull away from the 'former' (?) SP, if they had maintained a good, close relationship while their BP was married to their SP?  

I don't mean that a Skid 'should' maintain a relationship with the SP, I'm just curious what may be more 'normal', if there is such a thing as 'normal' in a situation such as this?  And, I'm fully aware that it's just not my business too.  I'm not trying to 'fix' anything in this situation, it's not mine to 'fix'.  I'm just curious, and I don't recall this being discussed on here.  As for this situation, it is what it is.  I just thought it might be an interesting/insightful conversation (at least for me). :)  My boys aren't particularly close to their SM, only one is an adult (19) yet, so who knows that the future holds for them.  They like SMs family 'well enough' but don't speak to them outside of the one or two times a year they see them. 

Your thoughts? Whether you/your kids have been through it or not.  :)  

by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 5:52 PM
Replies (11-20):
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 12:18 PM

Thank you for the responses.  This just isn't something I'd really thought of, for my kids, or for others.  We chat on here about divorce and such but death isn't talked about much, or I've not paid attention (could be that too).  

SO isn't concerned about this in his situation at all.  I'm not either, but it did leave me curious (or nosy?).  :)  

tiafez
by Platinum Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 12:47 PM
1 mom liked this

His stepbrother may change his tune after time. it is tough enough for close family to handle decisions made, add in the word 'step' and it gets even trickier. My oen brother seems to still hold my decisions to follow my parents wishes and not continue life support. I don't think he'll ever get over wat he thinks was a bad choice(s) on my part but at the time the decisions were made, he rused to sit with me and the staff and decide (mom), and he refused to discuss over phone conference for Dad. I was in Florida with them, he remained in NY. I think it may be his way of not deciding and blaming me helps him cope. 

My sympathies to your SO. and also to you other members who mentioned losing someone. We may bicker on this site but I actually do care about each of you. 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 11:24 PM
1 mom liked this
At this point, after 9 years, I can say if DH died on his flight home from Geneva tonight, my DDs would remain close with SS20. And so would I. Who knows about SS18 - he has rejected everyone. But he always has a place in my heart.
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Dec. 9, 2017 at 3:39 AM
Ive thought about this. From a will standpoint.

My husbands step grandpa (technically since he was married to his grandma) died tragically last year. He was in his early fifties, grandma in her 70s. My husband and his brother took it hard, In fact my MIL did too... Everyone liked or loved him.

Well everyone except BM and BIL ex girlfriend. Who grandma , the widow, adores, over her own bios, grand kids, great grandkids...

Something is up with the will though. Step grand left a chunk of his assets etc to his step grandkids ( he never had children) in his will. Nothing for their kids, and made clear he doesn't want the ex wives etc of the stepgrands anywhere near his funeral. This has put grandmother in a virtual standstill and has not had a memorial service or anything for him, because she wanted her grandsons ex girlfriend etc there. I'm not kidding. She can't change the will either.

Myself, I'm wondering how I'm going to split things up considering I don't have any living bios as Of this moment. I have a house out of state. Husbands kids have two parents, one with a hefty inheritance of their own. How do I protect my inheritance? If something happens to DH I need to make sure I'm ok. There's got to be away to keep my stuff and have my husband leave things to his kids, but it breaks my brain trying to figure that out.

My husband made me promise though, if something were to happen to him I'd make sure his kids were ok. Check up on them etc. I said, well, using your mom as a conduit, and without expecting much, if they told grandma they were eating shit id help out in a way that is comfortable for me (I.e giving MIL money to give to them) no strings attached, no FaceTime needed. I seriously doubt that will be necessary, as they have a huge extended family on both sides and completely expect those kids to bounce if something happened to their dad.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2017 at 3:45 PM
I think the relationship may fade over time if the parent/spouse was the glue in their relationship.

My relationship wouldn’t change as my children are more the reason for my relationship with SS than DH, he would still be their brother.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2017 at 6:25 PM
Things have changed. What happened?

Quoting leegirl_jm: I think the relationship may fade over time if the parent/spouse was the glue in their relationship.

My relationship wouldn’t change as my children are more the reason for my relationship with SS than DH, he would still be their brother.
PeanutsGma
by Member on Dec. 9, 2017 at 6:38 PM
Sometimes the relationship changes because the connector is just not there.

I have a cordial relationship with my stepmother and half-brothers, but since my dad passed the common denominator is no longer part of the equation. We can have pleasant conversations, but we don't visit at all.

Since I never met my step-siblings, there is no connection at all.

When the time comes, I hope my sons still have the warm friendship they have with my husband - they were all adults when we married - but I can safely say, there won't be any relationship between my sons and my stepchildren. Nor do I see my stepchildren visiting me if I am the one left standing.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2017 at 8:48 PM
Nothing has changed, the children have always gotten along and he is their half-brother.

Quoting pdxmum: Things have changed. What happened?
Quoting leegirl_jm: I think the relationship may fade over time if the parent/spouse was the glue in their relationship.



My relationship wouldn�t change as my children are more the reason for my relationship with SS than DH, he would still be their brother.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 10, 2017 at 1:08 AM
Dude. Stop. For years you insisted he was half brother as if he was second class.



Quoting leegirl_jm: Nothing has changed, the children have always gotten along and he is their brother.

Quoting pdxmum: Things have changed. What happened?

Quoting leegirl_jm: I think the relationship may fade over time if the parent/spouse was the glue in their relationship.

My relationship wouldn’t change as my children are more the reason for my relationship with SS than DH, he would still be their brother.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Dec. 10, 2017 at 10:35 AM
Huh? Oh, ok, they are half-siblings that is a fact, I will edit my post for your clarification.

I have always said the children got along so where has that changed?


Quoting pdxmum: Dude. Stop. For years you insisted he was half brother as if he was second class.



Quoting leegirl_jm: Nothing has changed, the children have always gotten along and he is their brother.

Quoting pdxmum: Things have changed. What happened?

Quoting leegirl_jm: I think the relationship may fade over time if the parent/spouse was the glue in their relationship.

My relationship wouldn’t change as my children are more the reason for my relationship with SS than DH, he would still be their brother.
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