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What would your advice be?

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2017 at 6:02 PM
  • 8 Replies
From a different forum:

SM is worried about 8 yr old SK. She's busting her ass to facilitate visits with mom, who lives nine hours away and lives pretty much a transitional existence (BM is married with more kids but is unable to manage finances or keep steady housing unless someone helps her)

SM is also a BM of three young children.

Dads a cop, so SM (with a regular 9-5 job) is with the kid all the time, more than dad. The kid is ok with his half siblings but is starting to reject SM.

Advice given was:

-send letters to BM so kid and BM can write back and forth
- stop doing the transportation for BM and let her figure it out (which was rejected)
- cut the distance and move closer to BM (rejected)
-therapy for the kid and family therapy for all
- give up on facilitating visitation with BM and help the kid adjust (rejected)

What's the right thing to do here? SM does all the driving, communication, facilitation with BM; dad is a cop who works nights and rarely drives the nine hours to his ex (BM has EOWE but no car)

He real concern is that she sees the kid is struggling and suffering already and wants to know what SHE can do for the SK8.

What advice would you give?
by on Dec. 12, 2017 at 6:02 PM
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Replies (1-8):
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Dec. 12, 2017 at 6:50 PM
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What were her reasons for rejecting those options you said she rejected? 

Why does SM think it's HER place to facilitate this relationship?  

How long has she been SM? 

Does the SK8 WANT to do the long commute to see BM?  Does the SK want SM involved? 

My first thought would be to ask SM why she feels this falls as her responsibility in the first place.  Sounds like she's a bit of a martyr and she needs to back off.  (I'd say this if it was a GP or an aunt/uncle too.  I don't say this because she's the SM).  SK8s relationship with BM, and BMs relationship with her DS/DD8 is between the two of them, it's NOT SMs place to facilitate any of this. It's not SMs place to help BM out financially or keep steady housing. SM can handle things in her own home but BM is outside of her home.  Stop.  She'll drive herself crazy and perhaps SK8 too.  

BUT, there is enough information missing this might not ultimately be the best advice I could offer too.  

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Dec. 12, 2017 at 9:42 PM
She said she wouldn't move (uproot the kids) because mom doesn't have a permanent place to live.

She's been an SM as long as her oldest bio kid with DH so five years

SK wants to see mom badly. He is beginning to reject SM as a mom figure.

Because her husband is a night shift cop, she is home with all of the kids more than DH, her husband can't do it

I agree with you.

Quoting jules2boys:

What were her reasons for rejecting those options you said she rejected? 

Why does SM think it's HER place to facilitate this relationship?  

How long has she been SM? 

Does the SK8 WANT to do the long commute to see BM?  Does the SK want SM involved? 

My first thought would be to ask SM why she feels this falls as her responsibility in the first place.  Sounds like she's a bit of a martyr and she needs to back off.  (I'd say this if it was a GP or an aunt/uncle too.  I don't say this because she's the SM).  SK8s relationship with BM, and BMs relationship with her DS/DD8 is between the two of them, it's NOT SMs place to facilitate any of this. It's not SMs place to help BM out financially or keep steady housing. SM can handle things in her own home but BM is outside of her home.  Stop.  She'll drive herself crazy and perhaps SK8 too.  

BUT, there is enough information missing this might not ultimately be the best advice I could offer too.  

lovinmyfam16
by Member on Dec. 13, 2017 at 8:41 AM
2 moms liked this
SK needs therapy to deal with BM’s absence. SK is angry due to that and what better person to take it out on, the SM. After all, she is the one dealing with the mess.

BF needs to prioritize his time. He works night shift. There are no excuses. It may not be that he doesn’t want to deal with it, it may be that he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It sounds as though BM is the culprit as to why there are so many issues.

SM needs to confront DH regarding his child. He needs to be the one dealing with this BM, not SM. If I were SM I would be doing NO more. If BM wants to see her child, she needs to straighten up and get her life together and be proactive in doing so....along with communicating with BF.
How would people advise, if it was the BF doing this? Just because it is the BM doesn’t give her permission to have less responsibility, keep that in mind.

anonomomma
by Member on Dec. 13, 2017 at 11:23 AM
2 moms liked this
There is nothing she can do. She can't replace Mom but she can be a kind adult and care for them and hopefully find Herr own unique relationship with the kids. Sometimes bioparents pervert the role of Mom or Dad so bad that the association with those titles is negative. As far as the visitation situation, those kids need to be on a long distance schedule. 18 hours in a car every other weekend is not a good situation. They should be flying out for breaks a few times a year and BM should be paying for at least half that. It doesn't sound like the SM is ready to accept any advice that takes her out of her saviour role though.
piecebypeace
by on Dec. 13, 2017 at 4:15 PM

I agree that counseling/therapy will be helpful in this situation. It will benefit everyone (SK8, SM and BD) to bring this to a counselor to help come up with alternatives, and ways to emotionally process this all around. SM sounds like a wonderful SM who cares deeply for her SK8...he is blessed to have her, but she sounds worn out and unsure of her role. SK8 is probably angry, confused and feels rejected. Dad's schedule makes it difficult to be involved. A counselor can help you all facilitate all of this...please seek help through church (or they can at least point you in the right direction) or another family counseling facility.

Mompea5
by Bronze Member on Dec. 14, 2017 at 12:51 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with this and would just add the BD needs to get sk into counseling. Maybe at some point in the future family counseling as well.

Quoting jules2boys:

What were her reasons for rejecting those options you said she rejected? 

Why does SM think it's HER place to facilitate this relationship?  

How long has she been SM? 

Does the SK8 WANT to do the long commute to see BM?  Does the SK want SM involved? 

My first thought would be to ask SM why she feels this falls as her responsibility in the first place.  Sounds like she's a bit of a martyr and she needs to back off.  (I'd say this if it was a GP or an aunt/uncle too.  I don't say this because she's the SM).  SK8s relationship with BM, and BMs relationship with her DS/DD8 is between the two of them, it's NOT SMs place to facilitate any of this. It's not SMs place to help BM out financially or keep steady housing. SM can handle things in her own home but BM is outside of her home.  Stop.  She'll drive herself crazy and perhaps SK8 too.  

BUT, there is enough information missing this might not ultimately be the best advice I could offer too.  

tiafez
by Platinum Member on Dec. 14, 2017 at 8:37 AM
1 mom liked this

You asked for my opinion. 


This is it: stop. stop forcing a relationship that isn't being reciprocated by the parent. The BM has found her power in life. She has figured out how to get everyone to do everything for her. She can then blame anyone and everyone when things don't work out. So stop. Focus on your home. Get that child into counselling so she can learn who to be angry with. She resents SM because SM is forcing something she may not want. You cannot force a parent to give a fried poopy. You just can't, I know. Use that time and engry  to make happy memories. If BM wants to see her child, trust me, she will find a way. If SM still feels a need to force this, set up skype times. EX: Tuesdays at  7pm child will be available to skype. If BM doesn't want to, it doesn't happen, SM and kids play a board game, bake cookies, do any outing, etc.




Verified BM/SM/BOB .... wwnsdd?

Boobear110
by Audra on Dec. 14, 2017 at 7:10 PM

SM needs to back off and forget doing everything for BM. It won’t help the kids in the long run. You can’t force a parent to have a relationship. The kids need counseling to deal with rejections from BM . They have to learn how to cope . BM will not change so they need to be given the tool on how to deal with the reality of the situation 

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