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Christmas Card Sent to SS & Wife Causes Major Blow-Up

I responded to a Shutterfly offer for 10 free photo Christmas cards on two separate occasions; l chose different photos of me and DH on a recent cruise and a couple of our granddaughter (my DS's child). On the other card l also included a photo of my elderly mother.
SS's wife sent my DH an extremely rude, ugly text. The problem stemmed from the fact that there was not a photo on our card of their child as well. We only see DH's grandson 2-3 times a year due to the tense, uncomfortable relationship we both have with SS and his wife. They do not invite us over to spend time with the child and DH has not made time to see the boy. I have not pushed him to do so either as l am disconnecting myself from the situation.
SS's wife sent a truly ugly text stating she wanted to be removed from our Christmas card list; DH was treating his grandson badly, and on and on. She said she and SS didn't care, but she was a mama bear and would not stand for this treatment of her child! She said she didn't know if DH was aware of all that went on (no clue what she means) and on and on her rant went.
How do l respond or do l? DH responded, but it hasn't really helped. I called and left a voicemail but she did not return my call. Should l try again? Skip Christmas with the inlaws? Do l even owe an apology? She and SS have treated DH and I very badly over the years. I gave no use for them personally, but am always polite and very nice to their child and generous with gifts.
by on Dec. 18, 2017 at 12:23 AM
Replies (131-139):
teremch
by New Member on Jan. 24, 2018 at 12:34 AM
This situation reminds me of my dh's late father. He never raised or gave a crap about my husband but he raised his step children with no complaints. I thought and will always think he was a scumbag deadbeat father that wouldn't raise his own children but had the balls to raise another man's children. I would be pissed off too if I was her as well. You've got some nerve sending that hurtful Xmas card. Better to have not sent anything at all. It's like you're trying to rub it in their face that his own father cares more for his step children than his own damn kids, which makes him a scumbag in my opinion.

Quoting Seychelles1409: I get all that and you are correct. DH is close to our granddaughter; he does consider her to be his granddaughter just as he considers my son to be his son. My son even followed him in the same career. He raised him and not SS so it is a complicated situation. Now what do l do?

Quoting sheramom4:

It comes across as a direct snub to them and I can see why. Your grandchild is not your husband's grandchild yet she is included on your family Christmas card while their child, who is your husband's grandchild, is left off. There was no need to put one of the grandchildren on the card and then to send that to SS. Basically a "Haha, See who your dad considers a grandchild?" 

Plus you said your husband makes no time for his grandchild but he seems to have a close relationship with yours. That has to be hurtful to SS. 

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jan. 24, 2018 at 7:23 AM
1 mom liked this

Where did you see that OP's husband didn't raise his son? Sounds like you are making some huge ASS-umptions there. The SD has a good relationship with OP and her Dad so some of the issues are definitely with SS. Relationships take two, if SS wants his father to be involved with the grandchild who is long distance then he also has to facilitate it. 

Quoting teremch: This situation reminds me of my dh's late father. He never raised or gave a crap about my husband but he raised his step children with no complaints. I thought and will always think he was a scumbag deadbeat father that wouldn't raise his own children but had the balls to raise another man's children. I would be pissed off too if I was her as well. You've got some nerve sending that hurtful Xmas card. Better to have not sent anything at all. It's like you're trying to rub it in their face that his own father cares more for his step children than his own damn kids, which makes him a scumbag in my opinion.
Quoting Seychelles1409: I get all that and you are correct. DH is close to our granddaughter; he does consider her to be his granddaughter just as he considers my son to be his son. My son even followed him in the same career. He raised him and not SS so it is a complicated situation. Now what do l do?
Quoting sheramom4:

It comes across as a direct snub to them and I can see why. Your grandchild is not your husband's grandchild yet she is included on your family Christmas card while their child, who is your husband's grandchild, is left off. There was no need to put one of the grandchildren on the card and then to send that to SS. Basically a "Haha, See who your dad considers a grandchild?" 

Plus you said your husband makes no time for his grandchild but he seems to have a close relationship with yours. That has to be hurtful to SS. 


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

teremch
by New Member on Jan. 24, 2018 at 11:24 PM
Op stated it in one of her responses. Her dh didn't raise his own son. Read all her responses.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Where did you see that OP's husband didn't raise his son? Sounds like you are making some huge ASS-umptions there. The SD has a good relationship with OP and her Dad so some of the issues are definitely with SS. Relationships take two, if SS wants his father to be involved with the grandchild who is long distance then he also has to facilitate it. 

Quoting teremch: This situation reminds me of my dh's late father. He never raised or gave a crap about my husband but he raised his step children with no complaints. I thought and will always think he was a scumbag deadbeat father that wouldn't raise his own children but had the balls to raise another man's children. I would be pissed off too if I was her as well. You've got some nerve sending that hurtful Xmas card. Better to have not sent anything at all. It's like you're trying to rub it in their face that his own father cares more for his step children than his own damn kids, which makes him a scumbag in my opinion.

Quoting Seychelles1409: I get all that and you are correct. DH is close to our granddaughter; he does consider her to be his granddaughter just as he considers my son to be his son. My son even followed him in the same career. He raised him and not SS so it is a complicated situation. Now what do l do?

Quoting sheramom4:

It comes across as a direct snub to them and I can see why. Your grandchild is not your husband's grandchild yet she is included on your family Christmas card while their child, who is your husband's grandchild, is left off. There was no need to put one of the grandchildren on the card and then to send that to SS. Basically a "Haha, See who your dad considers a grandchild?" 

Plus you said your husband makes no time for his grandchild but he seems to have a close relationship with yours. That has to be hurtful to SS. 

Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2018 at 2:01 AM
Teremch--First of all, l have never stated that DH did not raise his son. SS did not live with us, but that doesn't mean that he did not help raise his son. Secondly, l am sorry for the pain you experienced in your relationship with your father. Because of those bad experiences you seem to see similarities in my situation. My DH participated in the raising of his children as they lived in our town; they spent EOWE with us (this was before the days of shared custody) attended church and other activities with us as a family while they were growing up. We were present in SS and SD's lives. SS was happy with us until his second year of college when he met the girl he later married. SD, DH, and l get along very well and she and l see each other for lunch even when DH isn't with us. I have given her money from my personal account to help with car repairs, car payments, house warming gifts for her apartment, art for the walls, etc.
DH paid child support (enough so BM never held a job), bought each child two sets of braces, paid medical, insurance, dental, and extras. He could have stopped child support at 18, but continued until both children turned 21.
When BM's second husband committed suicide, DH took a week's vacation so he could take the children to Disney World to get them away from the trauma. BM had a nervous breakdown and he could have petitioned the court to take the children away from her, but he didn't because he knew she needed the comfort of her children. He is a fine man who loves his children. SS's cruelty has broken his heart. Not all problems can or should always be blamed on the parent.
Don't call my DH a scumbag. You know not that of which you speak. None of us come here to be bashed. We come for advice and support. Not judgment. What if your cruel words pushed an emotionally fragile person to do something drastic? Be careful before letting your bad experience color your responses.

Quoting teremch: Op stated it in one of her responses. Her dh didn't raise his own son. Read all her responses.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Where did you see that OP's husband didn't raise his son? Sounds like you are making some huge ASS-umptions there. The SD has a good relationship with OP and her Dad so some of the issues are definitely with SS. Relationships take two, if SS wants his father to be involved with the grandchild who is long distance then he also has to facilitate it. 

Quoting teremch: This situation reminds me of my dh's late father. He never raised or gave a crap about my husband but he raised his step children with no complaints. I thought and will always think he was a scumbag deadbeat father that wouldn't raise his own children but had the balls to raise another man's children. I would be pissed off too if I was her as well. You've got some nerve sending that hurtful Xmas card. Better to have not sent anything at all. It's like you're trying to rub it in their face that his own father cares more for his step children than his own damn kids, which makes him a scumbag in my opinion.

Quoting Seychelles1409: I get all that and you are correct. DH is close to our granddaughter; he does consider her to be his granddaughter just as he considers my son to be his son. My son even followed him in the same career. He raised him and not SS so it is a complicated situation. Now what do l do?

Quoting sheramom4:

It comes across as a direct snub to them and I can see why. Your grandchild is not your husband's grandchild yet she is included on your family Christmas card while their child, who is your husband's grandchild, is left off. There was no need to put one of the grandchildren on the card and then to send that to SS. Basically a "Haha, See who your dad considers a grandchild?" 

Plus you said your husband makes no time for his grandchild but he seems to have a close relationship with yours. That has to be hurtful to SS. 

USBrit
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2018 at 11:13 PM

I agree with you that life is short and that we should limit our time around toxic people and spend time with those that bring joy. However, I also feel that we do have a responsibility to be kind even to those that would bring us pain by avoiding things that cause the drama. Does that mean we hide and walk on eggshells...NO!, But....I think we can all agree that we should avoid creating drama when we can. I have had my own share of step drama, and it is draining at best so I understand how something so innocent can be altered into something it isn’t. All I am saying, this is obviously an issue so why not avoid it going forward.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

No problem. OP has one mother, and she can put her picture on any card she wants without apology and as for her bio grandchild, only her child gets to object to that and obviously they didn't so no apology needed for having her grandchild on the card either. OP isn't responsible for the relationship shortcomings of her husband and his child and her bio family shouldn't haven't be burdened with that. Sorry but as I am getting older, there are so many funerals to attend, I have no patience for people who choose to be petty and bitter, OP should continue to celebrate her family now while they are alive, maybe SS and his Dad will come around before they loose that option.

Quoting USBrit:

Perhaps harsh, but based on the fact that the SS and family responded in the same “unkind” manner indicates that this is a very sensitive issue overall. I think it is fine to share grandchildren pictures on facebook or something similar if the parents are okay with it (evil lurks in the strangest places) but a Christmas card is something that only happens once a year and so for me (and maybe only me) I think that should only be very carefully thought out. I think saying that you should have sent to everyone except the SS in my mind is also a mistake, only because then it appears that they are not important enough to receive the same card. I understand the desire to share pictures of our grands.....but in a blended marriage it can be super delicate (again, in my mind and I could be alone). Between my husband and I we have 21 grands and it has been very difficult with the picture situation. So, we decided to only have ONE picture of each family on the wall which keeps from anyone getting their feelings hurt. I have to say we would we do this if all the children were our own.....I think even bios would be hurt if their child was left out. Just my thoughts and if harsh I apologize.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Huh??? A bit harsh there. Many people put various family members on their Christmas cards, my parents only have two grandchildren and I would not be offended if they used their pictures on their Christmas cards, my mother shares more photos of her grandchildren than of herself, as their mother, no thunder is being stolen from me. I am also very close to my mother who now lives with me so I totally can relate to including Mom in the Christmas card pictures. Families are different so are the Christmas cards.

Her DH obviously isn't close to his son, hence the issue and OP has now learnt not to send them pictures.

Quoting USBrit:

I have not read all the posts, but why in the world would YOU put anybody other than you and your DH on your Christmas Card? I would be offended if my own mother took a picture of my child and made it part of her Christmas card. You are stealing their thunder, same with your Mom’s picture. That is like tellling the family someone it pregnant before they make the announcement themselves. Not to mention the lack of thought for your husbands son’s family. As someone else said...you had to know when you were doing this that it would be hurtful to those excluded and if you didn’t perhaps it is time to take a hard look at yourself. I would not apologize at this point it won’t be received well as they believe it was a deliberate slight and so the apology will be hollow and even insulting. Just re-evaluate going forward how your actions affect others.


USBrit
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2018 at 11:17 PM

LOL!! Opinions are what these threads are all about, so if you want to label me the Christmas Card Police so be it.

Quoting jpickens:

Who made you the Christmas card police?  

I can understand having an opinion about excluding SS's child but the rest of this is a bit much.  People put all kinds of pictures on Christmas cards. The fact that it wasn't just her and her DH isn't the issue here.  

Quoting USBrit:

I have not read all the posts, but why in the world would YOU put anybody other than you and your DH on your Christmas Card? I would be offended if my own mother took a picture of my child and made it part of her Christmas card. You are stealing their thunder, same with your Mom’s picture. That is like tellling the family someone it pregnant before they make the announcement themselves. Not to mention the lack of thought for your husbands son’s family. As someone else said...you had to know when you were doing this that it would be hurtful to those excluded and if you didn’t perhaps it is time to take a hard look at yourself. I would not apologize at this point it won’t be received well as they believe it was a deliberate slight and so the apology will be hollow and even insulting. Just re-evaluate going forward how your actions affect others.


AnotherKim
by on Feb. 11, 2018 at 11:39 PM

Send an apology and then leave it at that   That puts the ball in their court   Next year just send generic Christmas cards

Quoting Seychelles1409: But my question is what do DH and l do now?
Quoting anonomomma: I am confused as why you would put a picture of your grandchild on your Christmas cards to begin with, and then send one to your husbands child who he has a grandchild from and not expect it to feel like a slap in the face to their family.


jpickens
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 12:38 AM
No thanks. You did a pretty good job of labeling yourself.

Quoting USBrit:

LOL!! Opinions are what these threads are all about, so if you want to label me the Christmas Card Police so be it.

Quoting jpickens:

Who made you the Christmas card police?  

I can understand having an opinion about excluding SS's child but the rest of this is a bit much.  People put all kinds of pictures on Christmas cards. The fact that it wasn't just her and her DH isn't the issue here.  

Quoting USBrit:

I have not read all the posts, but why in the world would YOU put anybody other than you and your DH on your Christmas Card? I would be offended if my own mother took a picture of my child and made it part of her Christmas card. You are stealing their thunder, same with your Mom’s picture. That is like tellling the family someone it pregnant before they make the announcement themselves. Not to mention the lack of thought for your husbands son’s family. As someone else said...you had to know when you were doing this that it would be hurtful to those excluded and if you didn’t perhaps it is time to take a hard look at yourself. I would not apologize at this point it won’t be received well as they believe it was a deliberate slight and so the apology will be hollow and even insulting. Just re-evaluate going forward how your actions affect others.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 10:42 AM

I agree with avoiding drama and I believe the OP will no longer send any pictures/ cards etc to the SS and his wife. OP rarely see the SS so there is no walking on eggshells.

Quoting USBrit:

I agree with you that life is short and that we should limit our time around toxic people and spend time with those that bring joy. However, I also feel that we do have a responsibility to be kind even to those that would bring us pain by avoiding things that cause the drama. Does that mean we hide and walk on eggshells...NO!, But....I think we can all agree that we should avoid creating drama when we can. I have had my own share of step drama, and it is draining at best so I understand how something so innocent can be altered into something it isn’t. All I am saying, this is obviously an issue so why not avoid it going forward.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

No problem. OP has one mother, and she can put her picture on any card she wants without apology and as for her bio grandchild, only her child gets to object to that and obviously they didn't so no apology needed for having her grandchild on the card either. OP isn't responsible for the relationship shortcomings of her husband and his child and her bio family shouldn't haven't be burdened with that. Sorry but as I am getting older, there are so many funerals to attend, I have no patience for people who choose to be petty and bitter, OP should continue to celebrate her family now while they are alive, maybe SS and his Dad will come around before they loose that option.

Quoting USBrit:

Perhaps harsh, but based on the fact that the SS and family responded in the same “unkind” manner indicates that this is a very sensitive issue overall. I think it is fine to share grandchildren pictures on facebook or something similar if the parents are okay with it (evil lurks in the strangest places) but a Christmas card is something that only happens once a year and so for me (and maybe only me) I think that should only be very carefully thought out. I think saying that you should have sent to everyone except the SS in my mind is also a mistake, only because then it appears that they are not important enough to receive the same card. I understand the desire to share pictures of our grands.....but in a blended marriage it can be super delicate (again, in my mind and I could be alone). Between my husband and I we have 21 grands and it has been very difficult with the picture situation. So, we decided to only have ONE picture of each family on the wall which keeps from anyone getting their feelings hurt. I have to say we would we do this if all the children were our own.....I think even bios would be hurt if their child was left out. Just my thoughts and if harsh I apologize.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

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