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Dumbfounded

Posted by on Dec. 26, 2017 at 1:16 AM
  • 7 Replies
Hi! I am new to this - besides talking to my husband and family i really haven’t disclosed many of my issues. Don’t get me wrong - my husband is SUPER supportive as is my family but still I feel as if i need an outside opinion on how to best deal with my situation. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for 3 and a half. He has 3 kids with his ex and they all have lived with my husband and myself for the past 2 years. He is military and has been deployed in the past so she was essentially their primary caregiver often. She lived in our town until a year and a half ago yet still would stop by to see or take the kids to her place once a month. She decided to give up child support and full custody of the children because “ she never got to live her young adult life because she was too busy having his kids “. The eldest daughter isn’t my husbands biological child — his ex was already pregnant with her when they began dating but my husband adopted her and she is by all means his child. The eldest daughter is 14 and he and the ex had a son who is 12 and a daughter who is 9. There have been Many issues with CPS being called on his ex and once the kids came to live with us they began to open up about a lot of trauma and abuse they had endured while living with the ex. We got the older kids into seeing a counselor but instead of helping it seemed to open all wounds. The eldest started to take all her anger towards her mama out on me. She was threatening to kill me in my sleep, to run away ( i would hide her shoes at night ), burn down our apartment, and eventually started self harming by cutting “ I HATE ANNIE”. Long story short, she has been a mental health institute 5 times — hiding a knife in her closet and pulling it out and threatening her dad, slapping me 6 times, threading suicide , and running away twice. I look back and wonder how I managed to stick all that out! Every time she was in a mental health facility my husband and myself went to visit every chance we could. She has been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since she was 11— she is now 14. I have been with her to each and every appointment once a week and trust me —it’s always stressful. I never know what I’ll be blamed for ... but her biological mom did live in town when this began and NEVER would visit the therapist with the daughter. The ex blames me solely because apparently none of these issues began until i came into the picture. I am a full time college student ( about to graduate and pursue a masters in psychology counseling ) yet i am completely clueless as to handle this. The ex moved 6 hours away on her own behalf and only takes the children 3 weeks out of the year. My question i suppose is HOW DO I DEAL WITH HER TALKING HORRIBLY ABOUT ME TO THE KIDS ? She says nasty things about me constantly when she calls to talk to the kids and it’s especially bad when the kids stay with her during the summer. When my husband and i meet her to pick the kids up they come running to me and as soon as we leave they all are telling us how upset they are because of what their mama was saying about me. I don’t want the kids caught in the middle but i can’t control what she says. I tell the kids to ignore it because it’s not true and we can’t let others tell us to feel negatively. My husband has talked to the ex and told her to leave the kids out of it but she is relentless. I know that perhaps she is jealous ? Because i am raising her children but she gave them to us ... so how is this my fault ?
by on Dec. 26, 2017 at 1:16 AM
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Replies (1-7):
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Dec. 26, 2017 at 9:31 AM
1 mom liked this

He might need to involve the court system to get it to stop. Did she give up custody in court or was it just a thing that happened so they went with it?


I would suggest you also seek counselling to help you deal with this too. The oldest may be trying to gain Mom's attention/approval w/ her attacks on you. 

chaoticjoy
by on Dec. 26, 2017 at 3:24 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry you are going through this..... It seems to be a very difficult situation, and luckily they are not with her often. I would try talking to your stepdaughters counselor about this, even if they charge more, you need advice from someone who knows the situation but is not personally involved. You deserve a great amount of credit for going through all this, and please remember that your stepdaughter will remember the love and support you are showing her. It may even be beneficial for you to see a counselor too, just so you have someone to lean through all of this. I can imagine this has to be terribly emotionally draining for you. I will be praying for you and your family....

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Dec. 26, 2017 at 3:29 PM

That is a lot to handle in 3.5 years.  I'm not sure I would have been able to stay.

You will never be able to change or control what the ex says about you so just focus on being the best you can be for them and your husband.  The rest doesn't matter.

Ms_Smock
by Member on Dec. 26, 2017 at 3:30 PM
Ugh sorry you have to deal with this! But luckily my steps are/were little, so they just brush it off after I say, "remember sometimes people say crazy things? but we know the truth so you can just ignore them and go play. If you have to say anything just say ok mommy and then go play" they are pretty happy with that...

I imagine it's not that simple if you haven't been raising them since they were little.
Ms_Smock
by Member on Dec. 26, 2017 at 3:32 PM
Also, for dealing with my cousins kids...I tell them "I am not your mother or father and I didn't do anything to deserve this. We are nice and respectful here and weare lucky to be here with everyone so lose the attitude" they are here and at my grandmas a lot I'm next door neighbors with my grandma. Sometimes with the older kids you have to be frank with them. But those are my cousins and not in my house 24/7
monnieloves455
by on Dec. 26, 2017 at 10:46 PM

Hello. First i want to applaud you for being a role model in the lives of your husband's children. Sometimes we have to do the right thing a long time before the results are evident. You may not reap the benefits right away but eventually you will. Maybe if you can speak to the daughters therapist about what the mother is saying, he or she may be able to provide some insight on how to address the issue. I've gained this insight in difficult times 'you may not be able to change what other people say or do but you can change how you react to it'. When it's all said and done, positive consistently will always win. You're awesome!

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Dec. 27, 2017 at 1:54 AM
Is your husband still active duty?

Are you with the kids the majority of the time?
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