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Setting boundaries with BM

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:23 PM
  • 30 Replies

I'm very new to this world, and need some advice how to work with my recently divorced BF on setting boundaries with the BM.

I get along great with the 3 kids, so no issues there, but the BM wont even look me in the eye nor acknowledge my presence even when I used to say hi when she'd walk in the house, and have never been agressive or rude to her. I just moved in after the divorce finalized, she had 7 days to remove any items she wanted from the house (which has passed), and she hasn't been living there for the past year almost. Up to now, she's not taken any of her stuff, signed off her rights to the house, yet she walks in whenever she wants and just started yelling. I locked the door once since I was home alone and jumping in the shower. She showed up with no notice, and proceeded to bang on the door and curse and yell until I could make it to the door and called BF to complain. 

My question is, is it over the top for me to want to change the locks to the house so that she cannot just come in whenever she wants, unnanounced? I also want to give her a month to finish getting her stuff out so that I can unpack and not worry she's going to come in and go through my stuff as she's taking her belongings. 

BF is  very heistant to hold her to a timeline or change the locks to keep her out because she blows up and causes a scene, she's been abusive in the past and will start throwing things, so he wants to avoid confrontation, and I can understand that, but at some point we need to be able to live our own lives without wondering if she's going to just barge in. 

Any tips on how to justify my requests is greatly appreciated, thanks!

by on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
destinyangl21
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:25 PM
Were you the other woman?
tcp11
by New Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:30 PM

No, not at all, she had an affair for over a year until he found out, he gave her chance after chance, and she walked out on the counselling session he set up to try and work things through. We didn't start dating until after they'd filed for divorce (in June 2017) she's been living with her BF since early 2017. 

Him and I used to work together, but it was completely platonic, he reached out to me for advice after filing for divorce because he saw me go through my divorce while working together, and thats when it evolved. 

anonomomma
by Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:41 PM
4 moms liked this
Your boyfriend can pack up her stuff and leave it on the porch.
aheasley
by Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:46 PM
7 moms liked this
Ask your be to pack up her belongs and either take them to her or have them ready when she comes over next. Second ask that he set up a drop off/pick up location away from the home. There is no reason for her to come and go as she pleases. If he will not set boundaries with her, you need to think about moving out until he does. If you are living there you should feel comfortable and safe.
tcp11
by New Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:47 PM

That's pretty much my feeling on it, since legally all the items in the house are technically his now, but we've been trying to take the high road through this whole thing. I'm just trying to come up with the words to try and help him see why a firmer stance needs to be taken now that things are final. 

aheasley
by Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 4:50 PM
2 moms liked this
Remind him that you should feel safe in your home. You should feel comfortable unpacking in your home.

Quoting tcp11:

That's pretty much my feeling on it, since legally all the items in the house are technically his now, but we've been trying to take the high road through this whole thing. I'm just trying to come up with the words to try and help him see why a firmer stance needs to be taken now that things are final. 

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 10:35 PM
4 moms liked this
I don't really have any advice, except to tell you that the boundaries aren't really yours to set. HE has to be the one to set them. If he won't even consider changing the locks, then it doesn't look like he will be ready for any more drastic changes any time soon.

You moved in really quickly after his divorce though. Regardless of how and when their relationship went down the toilet, the time when a divorce is final is usually pretty emotional for at least one of the parties. Things will probably simmer down over time, and he will probably put up more boundaries as time goes on. If you really can't stand it though, I would suggest moving back out until you feel he's ready to actually share a home with someone else.
codysara
by Platinum Member on Jan. 16, 2018 at 10:56 PM
3 moms liked this
Moving back out is very unrealistic advice. No one would do that.
Change the locks on your own, give him a key. Tell him to pack her shit. If you live there you should not have this worry. Also, reevaluate your relationship.

Quoting DDDaysh: I don't really have any advice, except to tell you that the boundaries aren't really yours to set. HE has to be the one to set them. If he won't even consider changing the locks, then it doesn't look like he will be ready for any more drastic changes any time soon.

You moved in really quickly after his divorce though. Regardless of how and when their relationship went down the toilet, the time when a divorce is final is usually pretty emotional for at least one of the parties. Things will probably simmer down over time, and he will probably put up more boundaries as time goes on. If you really can't stand it though, I would suggest moving back out until you feel he's ready to actually share a home with someone else.
BabyTbaby2
by Member on Jan. 17, 2018 at 12:00 AM
3 moms liked this
So per the terms of the divorce, she had 7 days to get her crap out?
If so, nothing in that house needs to remain there. If your BF has a legal document stating that she had 7 days to get her stuff out and she chose not to do so, throw it away. If you're feeling nice, he can take it to her.
Change the locks. He should've changed the locks after those 7 days were up.
Pick ups and drop offs for the children should NOT be at BF's house. They need to meet at a third-party location, like a police station if Hex is high conflict and throws temper tantrums, or perhaps have the tradeoff be at school-IE BF drops off the children at school in the morning. Hex picks them up on her days after school. Or BF picks up the kids on his days after school. Something like that.
What's the Custody order/visitation like? Would it allow for that?
BabyTbaby2
by Member on Jan. 17, 2018 at 12:14 AM
3 moms liked this
"BF is very heistant to hold her to a timeline or change the locks to keep her out because she blows up and causes a scene, she's been abusive in the past and will start throwing things, so he wants to avoid confrontation, and I can understand that, but at some point we need to be able to live our own lives without wondering if she's going to just barge in."
She only does this because your BF doesn't stop her.

My husband FINALLY told his ex wife after not being together for 10 YEARS and after being married to me for 4 years to "Fuck off!!" when she started screaming at him because she "needed" more than $200 from him to get school supplies and clothes for 1 (ONE) child. After he told her to fuck off, she has not screamed or cursed or yelled at him since!

His ex is TRESPASSING onto his property and HE IS ALLOWING HER TO DO SO. He needs to stand up to her or she will continue to do this crap FOREVER.
She's scum!!! She fucking cheated on her husband and now she's treating him like shit and he is LETTING HER!! Literally exactly what happened with my DH!!! UNTIL he stood up for himself!!

Call the cops when she trespasses. If she hits him or you, call the cops. If she throws HIS property or YOUR property, call the cops.
Sure, she's the one that carried and gave birth to his 3 kids, but that doesn't mean that she has the right to treat him like shit or trespass onto his property or illegally leave her shit on his property or to break the law and disobey the COURT ORDERS telling her to sign her name off HIS property!!!
Really, he should take Hex to court and sue her to take her name off HIS house like the court already ordered her to do, and get her shit out of HIS house like the court ordered her to do within 7 days of their divorce however the hell long ago that was...AND sue that she is not allowed on HIS property! Period!! And if she is physically abusive towards him, file for a restraining order!!
Make pick ups and drop offs at school or a police station, NOT HIS house.
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