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*Update* SS Picked Up by State Police

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:08 AM
  • 25 Replies
UPDATE:
SS14 is with us this weekend. He has been grounded from his phone and we took his door off. He said he understood why.

Tonight (Sunday) I had to work so I didn't know what was happening at home. DH was not texting me and I figured they were watching Superbowl.

Got home and it was time for SS to go to bed. He came out of his room and said to me, "I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for everything, for lying, being disrespectful, and stealing your pills, and that I'm going to work towards earning your trust back."

I said "Okay, I just hope you mean it, thank you."

I didn't want to immediately jump at it, but I didn't know that he was taking anything from me. Come to find out, DH told me afterward, SS has been sneaking Benadryl out of my purse and also taking my other prescription drugs. I take trazodone for sleep, and Buspar for anxiety, and they are upstairs in our bedroom, in my dresser, and he's never even been in our bedroom except when we first moved in as far as I knew because our bedroom is in a loft, and that is all that's up there.

DH told me he left to go get food for Superbowl and left SS here, thinking nothing could happen. But SS snuck an old phone from BM's house and put Snapchat on it, and sent a Snap saying "Going on a Benadryl trip" and some crap about how he's so grounded. BM happened to have his current phone with her and 'lo and behold, the snaps were all showing up there.

So now SS can't be home alone, at all. DH is so mad he could piss bullets and all I can think about is how I've been warning DH for seven years of how he and BM were not parenting enough and how SS was going down the path of my brother (recovered drug addict, lots of legal issues).

I can't do anything. BM is kinda playing the blame game, like this is DH's fault, but she had full legal custody up until October, and these problems started over two years ago. They are part of why DH was granted 50/50, with the understanding that it couldn't hurt as SS seemed to be rebelling against BM. We just started uncovering all of this stuff BECAUSE he's been with us. Before, she would try to hide his poor behavior, and SS would let it slip. I don't like blame games, and she seems to be taking it out on DH now.

This kid is tearing up our household and we don't have $15k for military school, and SS doesn't want counseling. Yes he will be going. But there's no making him talk once he's there. Very, very frustrating.

Back story:

SS14 has had ongoing behavior issues for the last seven years, gradually getting worse. DH has 50/50 with BM. SS has seen multiple counselors who have all said he has some emotional immaturity but no indications of depression/anxiety/ADHD.

SS14 snuck out of BM's house last night. It was during a snowstorm, and he was going to his girlfriend's house. The police picked him up and brought him back home about 2am. BM called DH immediately this morning to tell him what happened.

To be pointe blank, the issues having been non-stop since daycare years. I have been around for eight of his 14 years, during three of them I was not involved with raising because DH and I were not married and anytime I got involved it seemed to stress DH and BM out. For the past two years BM and I have been on the same page and will often message each other to talk about how to handle things.

So far, positive reinforcement hasn't worked. One of SS's issues is not doing homework. He has been failing two of his classes, English and history. We've tried taking him places/doing things with him when he's doing well in school, but when we don't, he doesn't seem to care. We've tried taking everything electronic away- he sneaks about, getting on friend's phones at school to talk to online girlfriends, etc. He has stolen from his mother, and DH and I. We sent him to a Christian camp last year, where they have kids help with running the camp, but also have activities like archery, canoeing, etc. We were going to do that again this year- I believe we still should- but DH and BM said no, it costs $500 dollars and we aren't spending that on a kid who is disrespectful and so out of hand.

My two cents: social media has become an issue. He is girl obsessed and always has to have a girlfriend. He has had self-esteem issues for a couple years, and I believe he feels like a girlfriend is the only way to deal with it. The last two were trouble makers. One had a dad in prison, her mom lost custody, and her elderly grandma had custody. She and SS were having long conversations about sex and role playing. It was very disturbing stuff. He lost his phone over that last January, and went to a counselor. Seemed to get better over summer, we kept him busy a lot. School started in the fall and back to being girl crazy and getting into trouble.

He had a video on his phone of him vaping, it was unclear where it was taken at. He told friends on Snapchat that he was going on a Benadryl death trip. We've locked up our drugs.

He was telling friends he cut himself. When confronted, he showed some scratches and it was a joke, the dog actually did it.

Again, counselor said it was attention a seeking and that SS seems to like to create drama, but that he was hormonal and it would calm down.

Now this sneaking out thing.

Since grounding (from electronics, going places) isn't working and he seems to have too much privacy, DH is removing his bedroom door. He's lost all privileges to electronics. He is going to be given yard duty and stacking wood this weekend, and lots of chores while he's with us Friday through Thursday.

Is there anything else we should be doing?
by on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
anonomomma
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:22 AM
Has he been seen by a psychologist?
winterfox03
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:28 AM
Yes, he was seen about four years ago. It was mandatory after a boy at daycare accused him of touching him inappropriately. We were told it was normal for boys to be curious, and determined it was an isolated incident.

That's when he started seeing a counselor, though, and since then nothing has been brought up about going back to a psychologist.

Quoting anonomomma: Has he been seen by a psychologist?
anonomomma
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:34 AM
3 moms liked this
I would take him to a new psychologist and get a second opinion. Some things can't be diagnosed in young children that can be in older children. Bipolarism is one for example.

Quoting winterfox03: Yes, he was seen about four years ago. It was mandatory after a boy at daycare accused him of touching him inappropriately. We were told it was normal for boys to be curious, and determined it was an isolated incident.

That's when he started seeing a counselor, though, and since then nothing has been brought up about going back to a psychologist.

Quoting anonomomma: Has he been seen by a psychologist?
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 4:18 PM
2 moms liked this

I know BF and BM tossed out summer camp but what about a more 'disciplined' camp?  

Years ago a few friends, for different reasons, attended something called Outward Bound.  This is what I found on it today.  http://www.obainc.org/  This one might just be CA based, since I'm in CA (it may default to that location?) but the friend I'm thinking of that attended, because he and his parents were having many issues at home with him (some of the things you mentioned, other than electronics, because, well, Atari was 'just out' then. LOL), went on a week or two week hiking/camping trip with Outwards Bound, and basically he was 'on his own' in the wilderness.  They went out as a group but had to carry their own gear, cook some of their own meals, or learn to work together to share things along the way.  He's told me some of his adventures there, and how he learned so much in just that short trip.  

He actually came back 'changed', though not 'suddenly better', but he did pause before saying/doing stupid stuff for quite a while (still had/has the rebellious streak in him, but he's (obviously) an adult now and rebels in 'safer ways' today.  ;) ).  He talked about it so much that a year or two later (can't remember which), he and his dad went on another/different trip with the same group, but this one worked more with the entire group, but still camping/hiking/cooking on your own.  The first was more for a 'reality check' and to help set him straight, the second was for fun and adventure, and to use some of the 'skills' he'd learned the first time to 'help others out' during the second trip.  

Maybe something like this is something BF and BM can look into.  If it's more of a 'discipline' camp, maybe they'd find it more worthwhile for them and him?  (discipline camp as in the organizers/leaders are better trained to help those who have discipline issues)

Or, perhaps a sort of 'boot camp' is what he needs?  Take 'everything' away from him and get him to see that there are better ways to behave in life?  

I've never had a kid sneak out, though ODS20 did 'lie' about where he was going to be, at least once.  He was with who he said he was going to be with but they decided to go out 'driving' (legally, at least the driver had a valid license at the time, and driving his own car), but were caught out past curfew.  Scared the **** out of ODS as he had always thought I had made up the whole 'city curfew' thing.  LOL  $300+ later he realized I was telling him the truth and he really screwed up. He was really careful for quite a while after that.  (I didn't mind, I let him stew about that for quite a few months). 

Boobear110
by Audra on Jan. 31, 2018 at 8:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Did you get a second opinion on that? I have two sons and that is not normal behavior 

Quoting winterfox03: Yes, he was seen about four years ago. It was mandatory after a boy at daycare accused him of touching him inappropriately. We were told it was normal for boys to be curious, and determined it was an isolated incident. That's when he started seeing a counselor, though, and since then nothing has been brought up about going back to a psychologist.
Quoting anonomomma: Has he been seen by a psychologist?


codysara
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 9:03 PM
2 moms liked this
5 boys in this house. I agree, not normal. Curiosity like that can sometimes stem from a prior assault.

Quoting Boobear110:

Did you get a second opinion on that? I have two sons and that is not normal behavior 

Quoting winterfox03: Yes, he was seen about four years ago. It was mandatory after a boy at daycare accused him of touching him inappropriately. We were told it was normal for boys to be curious, and determined it was an isolated incident.

That's when he started seeing a counselor, though, and since then nothing has been brought up about going back to a psychologist.

Quoting anonomomma: Has he been seen by a psychologist?

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:19 PM
2 moms liked this
If he is failing history and English and not math.. Has he been evaluated at school?

Dad should get copies of his medical records and have him seen by a pediatrician and a different psych.
winterfox03
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:26 PM
He did see two different people, a psychologist and a counselor. Both said that in 9-10 year olds it is not uncommon for children to be curious. He was just short of 10 years old at the time.

I also did some research and everything said while it isn't as prevalent as other curiosities, wanting to touch peers is not abnormal.

Also, we had him evaluated for sexual abuse because BM was molested by a relative as a kid/teen and it was the obvious first step.


Quoting Boobear110:

Did you get a second opinion on that? I have two sons and that is not normal behavior 

Quoting winterfox03: Yes, he was seen about four years ago. It was mandatory after a boy at daycare accused him of touching him inappropriately. We were told it was normal for boys to be curious, and determined it was an isolated incident.

That's when he started seeing a counselor, though, and since then nothing has been brought up about going back to a psychologist.

Quoting anonomomma: Has he been seen by a psychologist?

winterfox03
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:32 PM
Yes, the school counselor also sees him. He is actually slightly advanced in math. He is, however, lazy about writing. If he has to do reports/projects he just doesn't do them. He is failing history because the teacher doesn't have normal homework. Instead they do one project that includes a paper and SS decided he wasn't going to do anything for it. The teacher told DH and BM if he wants to pass he will have to do well on the next project.

DH said he is looking into psychologists in our area, but the two he called today both are booked for the next two months for evals. I just wonder what is next if we have to wait that long.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: If he is failing history and English and not math.. Has he been evaluated at school?

Dad should get copies of his medical records and have him seen by a pediatrician and a different psych.
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Feb. 1, 2018 at 9:09 AM

I don't know what you can do at his age but I applaud you adults for working together.

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