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Adult SD wants to move in because her mom is kicking her out

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Hi Y'all,

My 19 yr old SD is asking to move in because her mom is kicking her out of he house. Her mom thinks it is time for her to get out on her own (I agree) She is in another state right now. She has a job there and has kept it for a few months and I believe she can transfer. 

DH and his ex had joint custody and 50/50 visitation all her life. We moved out of state and about a year later she came to live with us because her mom couldnt handle her. When she moved in with us it did NOT goso well at all. I was the inforcer of the rules casue I was home and DH has no teenager parenting skills, and had let her do whatever she wanted and let her make all the decsions for herself. (Insert eye roll) When she moved in with us she was breaking things, destroying my, then 4 yo daughter stuff. It esculated to her hurting my 4 yo. and when she was mad at me she would take it out on my 4 yo infront of me and basically taunt me to see if I would do anything.... She flipped out on me one night and htat was it she was kicked out and we took her to her GP house. 

Now she lives back at her moms and that isnt a healthy situation either. 

I have told my DH we will talk about this and come up with some very concrete boundries and rules of hte house and have a solid exit plan for her if this goes south again. 

Boundries are no drugs or boys, must have a job or two (depending on the hours), MUST be respectful to everyong in the house ( MAYBE HELP ME DEFINE THAT SO I CAN COMMUNICATE IT CLEARLY), clean up after herself, RENT/BILLS?, help pay for food for herself, time limit of 2/3 months to stay here and then go find a room to rent, get involved w/ the young adults group at church....... WHAT ELSE? 

I am concerned my DH will not follow through with upholding these boundries. He makes excuses for her all the time. I know it is hard to be a young adult and scary to take the next step and be on your own. I do have compassion for her just I am afraid it is going to be as terrible as before. My DH and I fought so much when she was around and even after she was gone because " if it werent for me she would still be there". He doesnt understand/want to admit her bad behavior is what got her kicked out of 3 homes. UGH!!! HELP!!!

by on Feb. 5, 2018 at 5:37 PM
Replies (21-28):
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 16, 2018 at 7:32 AM
1 mom liked this
Except, often it isn't. The young adults end up living in shady cheap apartments and connect with the wrong people, and things can get very bad very quickly. Living at home often provides less stress, more structure, and a better chance at success when they feel ready to leave.

My brother and his fiance are 23 and live with my parents. They pay them some money to help cover food, utilities, etc, but it is allowing them to save up for a house. They were already able to buy the land they will build their home on when they are ready.

Honestly, I wouldn't consider it a great idea to cut most kids loose until at least 21. That used to be the age of majority, not 18. It was lowered so that we could get more soldiers (hardly a great reason in my opinion). And while people often married before that age, families were closer, living very near each other or in multi-generational households. While there were always some that struck out on their own younger, it wasn't the norm. This idea that 18-year-olds should be able to fend for themselves is actually a pretty new concept, which is strange because it is proven that humans are actually developing skills more slowly than in the past, where we didn't expect teenagers to be totally on their own.

I am never going to kick my son out, and my husband knows this. With his developmental disabilities forcing him to deal with all the pressures of the world before he feels ready would be a disaster. However, I do expect he'll want to go out on his own eventually. I'm guessing that will be sometime between 23&27,based on his rate of maturation so far.


Quoting USBrit:

My question would be a simple one......since she has presumably graduated,has a job, why does she need to live with parents.....and what age do you think she should be an adult and out on her own? If my children weren’t going to college they needed to be out making their own way in life. 19 is certainly old enough to figure things out for herself.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Mar. 16, 2018 at 11:32 AM

I am very concerned for you because it sounds like she does need to live with you, not on her own immediately. I can't imagine your husband not letting her move in again and you can't just leave her with nowhere to go. You would be the one blamed if she messed up or something happened to her. I have a 20 year old daughter in college and living in an apartment with another girl. The kids at her college do it all the time at 19, however they have roommates and a more structured daily life with jobs and school. My daughter still knows she answers to me somewhat.  A 19 year old needs to be pretty responsible and dedicated to be living on their own and getting up to go to work, and it sounds like she may not be.

I'm concerned because I know the stress of having a young adult stepchild living with you and not seeing an end to arrangements, nor having a voice in encouraging them to become responsible. You will have trouble getting your DH to follow through, and it sounds like there is already tension between you and her. I agree with the boundaries, not sure what your limit on boys means. Certainly not spending the night but you can't expect her not to date or go out. You need your DH to agree to rules and explain them to her with you in the room.



USBrit
by Silver Member on Mar. 24, 2018 at 3:16 PM

Disability aside......what you wrote makes no sense. In the old days people married very young, we have slowly made children more and more dependent on us instead of teaching them the tools they need to be successful. If a young adult is going to college...that is different. However if they are working they are making strides towards independence and should be applauded for the steps that they are taking.

Quoting DDDaysh: Except, often it isn't. The young adults end up living in shady cheap apartments and connect with the wrong people, and things can get very bad very quickly. Living at home often provides less stress, more structure, and a better chance at success when they feel ready to leave. My brother and his fiance are 23 and live with my parents. They pay them some money to help cover food, utilities, etc, but it is allowing them to save up for a house. They were already able to buy the land they will build their home on when they are ready. Honestly, I wouldn't consider it a great idea to cut most kids loose until at least 21. That used to be the age of majority, not 18. It was lowered so that we could get more soldiers (hardly a great reason in my opinion). And while people often married before that age, families were closer, living very near each other or in multi-generational households. While there were always some that struck out on their own younger, it wasn't the norm. This idea that 18-year-olds should be able to fend for themselves is actually a pretty new concept, which is strange because it is proven that humans are actually developing skills more slowly than in the past, where we didn't expect teenagers to be totally on their own. I am never going to kick my son out, and my husband knows this. With his developmental disabilities forcing him to deal with all the pressures of the world before he feels ready would be a disaster. However, I do expect he'll want to go out on his own eventually. I'm guessing that will be sometime between 23&27,based on his rate of maturation so far.
Quoting USBrit:

My question would be a simple one......since she has presumably graduated,has a job, why does she need to live with parents.....and what age do you think she should be an adult and out on her own? If my children weren’t going to college they needed to be out making their own way in life. 19 is certainly old enough to figure things out for herself.


DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 24, 2018 at 4:59 PM

Did you not read the part where I addressed the situation of marrying young.  Just because they were married does not mean they were independent.  They often weren't, and either lived with parents or very close by.  They still functioned as part of the family unit, marriage or not.  

Self sufficency is a mixed bag.  People used to be more self sufficient in some ways, but they also weren't required to be sufficient in other ways.  It pretty much balances out.  

Quoting USBrit:

Disability aside......what you wrote makes no sense. In the old days people married very young, we have slowly made children more and more dependent on us instead of teaching them the tools they need to be successful. If a young adult is going to college...that is different. However if they are working they are making strides towards independence and should be applauded for the steps that they are taking.

Quoting DDDaysh: Except, often it isn't. The young adults end up living in shady cheap apartments and connect with the wrong people, and things can get very bad very quickly. Living at home often provides less stress, more structure, and a better chance at success when they feel ready to leave. My brother and his fiance are 23 and live with my parents. They pay them some money to help cover food, utilities, etc, but it is allowing them to save up for a house. They were already able to buy the land they will build their home on when they are ready. Honestly, I wouldn't consider it a great idea to cut most kids loose until at least 21. That used to be the age of majority, not 18. It was lowered so that we could get more soldiers (hardly a great reason in my opinion). And while people often married before that age, families were closer, living very near each other or in multi-generational households. While there were always some that struck out on their own younger, it wasn't the norm. This idea that 18-year-olds should be able to fend for themselves is actually a pretty new concept, which is strange because it is proven that humans are actually developing skills more slowly than in the past, where we didn't expect teenagers to be totally on their own. I am never going to kick my son out, and my husband knows this. With his developmental disabilities forcing him to deal with all the pressures of the world before he feels ready would be a disaster. However, I do expect he'll want to go out on his own eventually. I'm guessing that will be sometime between 23&27,based on his rate of maturation so far.
Quoting USBrit:

My question would be a simple one......since she has presumably graduated,has a job, why does she need to live with parents.....and what age do you think she should be an adult and out on her own? If my children weren’t going to college they needed to be out making their own way in life. 19 is certainly old enough to figure things out for herself.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Mar. 25, 2018 at 12:24 PM

This is a great idea about helping her find a place where she is now and supporting her financially for a period of time.  I have suggested the same to DH with SD25.

Unless she is in an unsafe situation, I would also not have her move in with me.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: Fuck the "new" boundaries to a situation that didn't work round one. Didn't work with mom- round two. Now back at your house? Don't be a fool. Mom is kicking her out? Dad helps her get an apartment in her state , near her job. Two months, month to month lease , etc. then she has to figure it out. Trying to make rules for a 19 year old that her father is unwilling to "parent" while you have a minor child in the home is a dumpster fire waiting to happen. IMHO.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Mar. 25, 2018 at 12:42 PM

I don't see this as stepparent problem.  Or a reason to thank god your kids don't have stepparents.  While this particular SM thinks she has more control and influence than she does (no sex, expecting her to get involved with church, respect, etc.) she is still quite willing to allow this supposedly troubled young woman move in.  Again.

Sometimes a child needs to have real consequences, like real life, to motivate them to change.  I love my DDs more than anything, and even I know there could come a time where continuing to allow themn to live with me is not good for anybody.  I'm no there and I doubt I will ever be there, but philosophicaly I get it.  Its called enabling, not loving parenting.

DH and BM finally had to do something similar with SS19.  He continues to deal with mental health issues but his living situation did not offer any consequences if he did not change.  Of course nothing mom or dad do is going to take away his pain of depression and anxiety, but not having any expectations of behavior (simple things like returning phone calls or texts) offerred to motivation for SS19 to find ways to manage his issues.  He is social.  he has friends.  He does things with them.  He is not so incapacitated by his disease that he needs to be supported 100%.  So they finally said you are either enrolled full time in school or you pay rent.  (Then BM started tweaking the agreement and as long as he went to school 50% of the time he only had to pay 50% rent - whatever.). It is working.  He now goes to school 50% of the time and he pays 50% rent.  It is starting to hurt where it counts - he had to sell off some vinyl to afford life.  There are suddenly consequences.  And if he does not like the consequences, he needs to create expectations for himself.

They also told him that they are perfectly ready to ask him to move out of he chooses not to abide by the deal.  That what they have been doing has not worked (allowing him to live with them without expectations) so perhaps him living on his own will help.

parenting difficult kids is not simple.  I love my daughters no matter what but would not let them do anything "no matter what".  I remain a parent and sometimes parents have to make tough decisions.

USBrit
by Silver Member on Mar. 25, 2018 at 3:10 PM

which is just YOUR opinion and some of us have very successful adult children who made choices every day into adulthood. So, each to their own.......some choose to prepare their children, some decide to coddle their children. Again, disabilities aside from this conversation. My opinion is just as valid as your own. Hopefully your adult child will gain the skillls in the coming months to be a more successful adult going forward. Just a side note Moms don’t usually kick out their children when they are making wise decisions.

Quoting DDDaysh:

Did you not read the part where I addressed the situation of marrying young.  Just because they were married does not mean they were independent.  They often weren't, and either lived with parents or very close by.  They still functioned as part of the family unit, marriage or not.  

Self sufficency is a mixed bag.  People used to be more self sufficient in some ways, but they also weren't required to be sufficient in other ways.  It pretty much balances out.  

Quoting USBrit:

Disability aside......what you wrote makes no sense. In the old days people married very young, we have slowly made children more and more dependent on us instead of teaching them the tools they need to be successful. If a young adult is going to college...that is different. However if they are working they are making strides towards independence and should be applauded for the steps that they are taking.

Quoting DDDaysh: Except, often it isn't. The young adults end up living in shady cheap apartments and connect with the wrong people, and things can get very bad very quickly. Living at home often provides less stress, more structure, and a better chance at success when they feel ready to leave. My brother and his fiance are 23 and live with my parents. They pay them some money to help cover food, utilities, etc, but it is allowing them to save up for a house. They were already able to buy the land they will build their home on when they are ready. Honestly, I wouldn't consider it a great idea to cut most kids loose until at least 21. That used to be the age of majority, not 18. It was lowered so that we could get more soldiers (hardly a great reason in my opinion). And while people often married before that age, families were closer, living very near each other or in multi-generational households. While there were always some that struck out on their own younger, it wasn't the norm. This idea that 18-year-olds should be able to fend for themselves is actually a pretty new concept, which is strange because it is proven that humans are actually developing skills more slowly than in the past, where we didn't expect teenagers to be totally on their own. I am never going to kick my son out, and my husband knows this. With his developmental disabilities forcing him to deal with all the pressures of the world before he feels ready would be a disaster. However, I do expect he'll want to go out on his own eventually. I'm guessing that will be sometime between 23&27,based on his rate of maturation so far.
Quoting USBrit:

My question would be a simple one......since she has presumably graduated,has a job, why does she need to live with parents.....and what age do you think she should be an adult and out on her own? If my children weren’t going to college they needed to be out making their own way in life. 19 is certainly old enough to figure things out for herself.


Calamity4e
by Member on Apr. 10, 2018 at 8:43 AM

There is a young child in the house- what kind of example would it be let a teenager have boy/girlfriend stay overnight?

We two daughters ages 10 and 11.  My SD is 21 nearly 22 and my stepson is 20. They are in college and live with us when they are home.

Even though they are "adults"  one of the rules is NO boy/girlfriends overnight.

No parties.

If they do not want to deal with the rules we establish, then they can move thier "adult" selves somewhere else to live instead of living in the home we are paying for. It is real simple.

I think the bigger stickler here is that DH and I both have rules for our home that we stick to. Both parents (parent/step parent) needs to be on-board with the rules established or it isn't going to work out well.


Quoting codysara: Besides all of this, what does "No boys" mean? She is an adult, probably has already had sex.
Quoting pusheen-kitty: Fuck the "new" boundaries to a situation that didn't work round one. Didn't work with mom- round two. Now back at your house? Don't be a fool. Mom is kicking her out? Dad helps her get an apartment in her state , near her job. Two months, month to month lease , etc. then she has to figure it out. Trying to make rules for a 19 year old that her father is unwilling to "parent" while you have a minor child in the home is a dumpster fire waiting to happen. IMHO.


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