Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

No apology? Posted in another group

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2018 at 12:23 PM
  • 10 Replies
Sorry In advance for the long post. I have raised my now 19 year old stepdaughter fulltime since she was 7 years old. Over those years she has taken me to hell and back along with my soon to be ex husband which is her father. When she was 17 she ran away and dropped out of school, she returned home for a few months and then she turned 18, I thought that it would be best for her to get away from the crowd that she was hanging with and move to another city that was three hours away with my sister. We had it all planned out and even the date that we would meet half way for my sister to pick her. My sister had a job lined up for her and everything. A few days before she was suppose to go she left for three weeks and we didn't know where she was, then all of a sudden she popped back up and when she was asked why she didn't go she said it's too far. So I told her instead of disappearing she should have just said that she didn't want to go.

Fast forward a few months and we were moving out of the place that we were in and she decided that she would be moving with her boyfriend, the same one who she ran away to be with both times, the same one that when she ran away the first time she lost everything and only came home with the clothes on her back because they were couch surfing and her stuff was lost and some stolen along the way. So we moved and it was just me, my soon to be ex and our three children together and besides what I was going though at the time with my soon to be ex husband, not having her there as an added stress was like a load lifted off of my shoulders. I had all the routines and rules put into place for my other children and things were cool. Then she ended up losing everything again, had no job, her and her boyfriend broke up and she had nowhere to go so she asked her dad if she could move back in and I came home from class one day and there she was. At no point did her dad discuss her moving back in with me, but I let it slide and then she got back with the boyfriend and then she started the disappearing acts and coming and going as she please basically using my oldest daughter's room for storage, while she couch surfed with her boyfriend. Finally I had enough and told her dad that she had to go. Her behavior was affecting my oldest daughter.

So she was gone again and while gone she got a job and seemed to have matured a little bit, but there were still some things that she was caught up in that I didn't agree with such as smoking marijuana and underage drinking. I finished nursing school and our finances had changed to the point where we no longer needed help from the government for rent and we were moving out of the place we were in.

While looking for places my soon to be ex, was stuck on us getting a 4 bdrm so that my stepdaughter could move back in and he was saying how she had changed and that she had matured. He pointed out that she had a job and that she was staying out of trouble and there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to move back in. At this point she is 19. So when I continued to disagree with her moving back in he called me a horrible person and that I was evil and every other name in the book. I got tired of hearing about it so with hesitation I said ok, but I sat down with her and laid down some ground rules. One of those rules being that under no circumstances is she allowed to bring marijuana or alcohol in my home and under no circumstances is she ever to have it around my other children, she agreed and I left it at that. She understood that if any of the rules were broken that the consequence would be her being put out of the home.

So we move and all seems to be well, things were getting worse between me and my soon to ex husband, but it seems as if me and her were getting closer. At the beginning of the year I separated from my husband and it made him angry that I wouldn't be with him yet I let his daughter stay and then he began to tell me that his daughter wasn't a good influence on our oldest together which is 12 and that she has her doing things that she shouldn't be doing. I asked him what he was talking about and he wouldn't get into details he just said you'll see. Then it came up in conversation with my stepdaughter that on a few occasions that my soon to be ex purchased marijuana for her. So while trying to make me feel bad for letting his daughter stay he came out as was like when I am not there she smokes in garage and that she keeps the marijuana in the home, so that's when I said, if that's true then I will get to the bottom of it and issue out consequences accordingly and left it at that. I also let him know that it was foul of him to try to bring up everything that she was doing wrong but failing to mention his part in all of this which is providing her with the marijuana. He became furious and started calling her all kinds of names and saying that she promised that she wouldn't tell. Then he was like well did she tell you that she had our 12 year old try marijuana, mind you my 12 year old out of guilt told him back in November and this was now January and because he was on the hot seat not he wanted to put it out there that it happened after keeping it from me all this time. Meanwhile holding it over my 12 year olds head the entire time and black mailing her with the information. I asked my daughter and stepdaughter about it and they both denied it to the fullest, so I left it alone but I did tell my stepdaughter that if I found out that it was true that she would be asked to leave.

So fast forward to last week my husband provided proof that it was true and my 12 year old confessed to me and I put my stepdaughter out, my husband in some sick twisted way thought that he was hero and that would be his ticket back in but it backfired on him and now they are both done because neither one of them can be trusted. My stepdaughter packed up and left and I feel as if she should've apologized or atleast acknowledged that she did something wrong, but she said nothing.

I sent her a text today pretty much saying that no matter what I still love her and that I had to do what I did and also told her that she was now an adult and needed to start thinking about how her future will be affected by her actions and that she needs to think more before she makes bad decisions. I also went on to tell her that if that would've been someone else's child that she offered drugs to then they could have went to the police and she would've been in trouble and I said maybe you will understand more when you have children.

I told my sister about it and she immediately started to defend my stepdaughter saying that she is only 19 and that 19 year olds don't t think like we do and that my 12 year old need to accept responsibility for her part. Not one time did my 12 year old place the blame on her sister she knew that she was wrong for accepting it and she knew that she had the choice to say no. Anyways am I wrong for feeling hurt that my stepdaughter offered no apology or showed no remorse for what she did as far as offering her 12 year old sister marijuana and then lying about it? By the way she did not reply to my text.
by on Feb. 6, 2018 at 12:23 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Feb. 6, 2018 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this
Where the fuck was this 19 yr olds mom?

Her dad sounds like a POS
aak1986
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 12:46 PM
Her mom wasn't in the picture, once dad got custody, she fell off the face of the earth and just recently popped back up and now they are friends on instagram, but that's the extent of their relationship, I've tried counseling, mentoring programs, behavior specialists, meds she was not receptive to any of it
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 1:02 PM
1 mom liked this

You're not going to get an apology from her or her POS father.

Write them both off and move on, keep themb oth out of your life and away from your kids.

anonomomma
by Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 1:19 PM
2 moms liked this
If I am understanding your post correctly you are getting divorced correct? At this point I would wash my hands of it and stop engaging stbxsd. Is your 12 year old a child with DH? I would try and get it put in the CO that DAD is not allowed to be around her unsupervised.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 1:26 PM
1 mom liked this

After all of this, I do think  you were expecting too much for this 19yo to apologize to you.  What example does she have, or has she had, to teach her to apologize for her actions?  Certainly not her BF.  She doesn't seem to have cared what you think or feel for quite some time and that's been approved of by her BF.  Why would you expect an apology?  What in her behavior over the last couple of years would lead you to believe she'd grown up and matured enough to own up to her part in things and behave like an 'adult'? Nothing you typed here leads ME to believe she is mature or is will/able to own up to the things she's done wrong. 

I think your sister is right in that she's only 19 and they don't tend to think like adults yet.  Yes, I know, some do (some on here did when they were that age as well), but your SD has given you NO sign herself that she'd be one to have matured that much so quickly, has she?  I don't agree with your sister in expecting a 12yo to know better and be more mature and 'own up' to her mistakes when she doesn't expect the same from a 19yo though.  12 yos are SUPPOSED to make mistakes, it's part of their make up at that age.  Not necessarily this big (though it does happen) but 12yo had influence from her big sister AND her father/father figure (I haven't figured out if your 12 is also stbXHs child or not, your descriptions seemed to waiver a bit).   So, in her eyes, she saw two adults, or 1 adult and one nearly adult, who told her not to tell, saw them deny it to you, saw nothing happen from failing to tell you the truth, and thought all was ok.  She may have even thought she was behaving in a 'mature' manner since these 'adults' were doing what she was doing and all was 'ok'.  Until it wasn't.  

Good for you for getting away from your stbDH.  I'd spend some time now focusing on getting the trust and openness back with your DD12 and your other kids.  I'd also not worry about your SD19 apologizing.  I suspect that may come from her in a few years, but not now.  

aak1986
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 2:12 PM
Yes the 12 year old is me and stbxh oldest together
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't think she really should have apologized. She probably thought the rule was stupid and since dad provided the weed, saw nothing wrong in sharing it with her sister. In a 19-year - old brain, that is not apology territory when she's already getting kicked out of her home for it.

At this point I think you need to be more concerned and visitation between your children and STBXH. The fact that he provided the Marijuana that got to his 12-year-old and did nothing when he found out is very troubling. At what point is he going to think it's ok to provide weed directly to your children?
aak1986
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 6:13 PM
So the rule of her not bringing weed into the home or around the other children was stupid? I'm confused

Also as far as stbxh everything has been documented and even with him providing which was totally wrong and then keeping the fact that he bought her weed and that she let our 12 year old smoke it was totally unacceptable and disgusting on his part, but the 19 year still didn't have the right to offer it to her sister regardless of how she obtained it
BabyTbaby2
by Member on Feb. 6, 2018 at 7:54 PM
The stbxh and the 12yo with weed thing...did you call CPS or the cops on either stbxh or stbxSD? I so would not be ok with my husband giving my SD weed, then SD giving my 12yo daughter weed. I would call the cops on my own husband and his daughter for that. That's illegal, in the first place, and just horrible, neglectful behavior for a parent to a child...

Quoting DDDaysh: I don't think she really should have apologized. She probably thought the rule was stupid and since dad provided the weed, saw nothing wrong in sharing it with her sister. In a 19-year - old brain, that is not apology territory when she's already getting kicked out of her home for it.

At this point I think you need to be more concerned and visitation between your children and STBXH. The fact that he provided the Marijuana that got to his 12-year-old and did nothing when he found out is very troubling. At what point is he going to think it's ok to provide weed directly to your children?
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Feb. 6, 2018 at 9:47 PM
1 mom liked this
This

If OP is divorcing, I'd get a TRO or something.. Dad knew and did nothing

Quoting BabyTbaby2: The stbxh and the 12yo with weed thing...did you call CPS or the cops on either stbxh or stbxSD? I so would not be ok with my husband giving my SD weed, then SD giving my 12yo daughter weed. I would call the cops on my own husband and his daughter for that. That's illegal, in the first place, and just horrible, neglectful behavior for a parent to a child...

Quoting DDDaysh: I don't think she really should have apologized. She probably thought the rule was stupid and since dad provided the weed, saw nothing wrong in sharing it with her sister. In a 19-year - old brain, that is not apology territory when she's already getting kicked out of her home for it.

At this point I think you need to be more concerned and visitation between your children and STBXH. The fact that he provided the Marijuana that got to his 12-year-old and did nothing when he found out is very troubling. At what point is he going to think it's ok to provide weed directly to your children?
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)