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Adjusting to high conflict ex

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2018 at 1:32 PM
  • 21 Replies
Hi everyone, my name is Millie and I’m new to this group. I have been seeing someone for several years and he has a daughter. We have been basically long distance due to our jobs and graduate school. The plan was always to live in the same city once we got to a place where that was possible. Well we are getting to that place and the closer we get the more I learn about his high conflict ex. I have been a presence in his daughters life for several years now and his ex was well aware of me. They separated right after she became pregnant. We have spent every chance we could together and most of the time that includes his daughter. Seems like since we have been talking about a transition the conflict has become worse from his ex. I guess my question is is this normal and does it get better?
by on Feb. 12, 2018 at 1:32 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 1:35 PM
2 moms liked this

At this point, you should give zero fucks about this woman. Hopefully your BF just keeps you out of stuff. If you were the other woman then I can see why she would be angry but all you can do is stay out of it. Your BF should stick up for you if ex decides to try and throw you under the bus.

Realize though you will have to deal with this woman eventually as your relationship progresses.  

MindReader
by Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 1:44 PM

My suggestion would be to move near him BUT in your own place for a while and get to know what things will be like on a day-to-day basis. With long distance, it is often easy to keep it together for visits, and you don't really get to know what the person is REALLY like- just the person they present themselves as.

I would question why his ex would know the details of your relationship. Transitions do tend to cause an uptick with high conflict bms- engagements, move ins, marriages, new babies. But moving closer to thinking about getting a place together?!? That shouldn't be on her radar.

Conflict that rears its head during transitions often subsides; conflict that becomes apparent in the beginning typically gets worse.

Joining your life with this man would not be just about bringing a man into your life, but entering into a completely new situation that you will likely have little to no control over.

I suppose it depends a lot on what you mean by high conflict and what has been going on, but you have to ask yourself seriously if these are red flags that indicate trouble ahead. If so, heed them!

Millie414
by New Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 1:51 PM
1 mom liked this
I was not the cause of their relationship to end, guess I should have clarified better. She was the one who left for someone else after she found out she was pregnant. I didn’t meet him until a couple years later. So far he has been great about keeping me out of the equation with her and I made it clear that I feel like I should be on a need to know basis only when it comes to her.

I realize as things progress I will have to deal with her more just looking for some pointers on how to navigate the situation.

anonomomma
by Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 2:00 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with the previous poster that it would be wise to move closer but in your own space initially. Anyone can look great from a distance, but you can't get a good view on the situation that far away. Definitely take it slow, but don't be afraid quite yet. Change is hard on everyone and sometimes it just takes some time to let things smooth out.
anonomomma
by Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Respect that she is the child's Mom and keep healthy boundaries. Being on a need to know basis is a good start.

Quoting Millie414: I was not the cause of their relationship to end, guess I should have clarified better. She was the one who left for someone else after she found out she was pregnant. I didn’t meet him until a couple years later. So far he has been great about keeping me out of the equation with her and I made it clear that I feel like I should be on a need to know basis only when it comes to her.

I realize as things progress I will have to deal with her more just looking for some pointers on how to navigate the situation.

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 2:50 PM
I agree with the others, don't move in with him right away. This isn't only for the child, it's for your relationship. Most long distance relationships fall apart when they become not-long-distance. Your odds greatly improve if you do not immediately move in together, but continue to go through a dating phase in the same location.

In your situation, I think this is even more important. You will see how he deals with both his daughter and his ex in a more long-term way.
CampHarris
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 6:22 PM
7 moms liked this

In my experience, high-conflict exes never really change, they just manifest their crazy in new and different ways.

Boobear110
by Audra on Feb. 12, 2018 at 8:51 PM
3 moms liked this

I hear you. Almost 10 years and the crazy keeps a comin’ 

Good thing for me I just pretend she doesn’t exist and he gets to deal with all that crazy wrapped in more crazy. 

Quoting CampHarris:

In my experience, high-conflict exes never really change, they just manifest their crazy in new and different ways.


jpickens
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 10:29 PM
1 mom liked this
Definately get your own place. You definately want a closer view of the situation at a safe distance.

Always evaluate if there are things you can do better but don’t take BM’s response to the transition personal.

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Feb. 13, 2018 at 12:59 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't move to BM hood and stay off her radar.
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