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Stepmom to an almost teen! Need to vent

I am so stressed. I know most of this is just normal kid issues, but NOBODY is taking the reigns! BM and DH are sitting around waiting on the other to parent, and blaming eachother for her behavior.


SD is stealing money, hoarding food, when i put her laundry away last week i saw a MOUNTAIN of candy wrappers in her drawers. She can't keep any friends, every 6 months she has a new BFFL (best friend for life). and the other one is then cast aside (or maybe really she's the one cast aside and she doesn't admit it). Shes rude, talks back, slams doors, lies, could care less about anyone's feelings or what her actions does to someone else.


Like I said, most of this is normal teenage drama, but at least in normal teenagers, the parents TRY to correct the behavior. DH pretends to not hear it, or if he does, he says, "well we all know where she gets that from" and doesn't do ANYTHING about it.


My problem with this is that I have 2 daughters who are the brunt of all of her anger. When she lies, its to get them into trouble, or defer blame. when shes rude, she rude to them too. When she steals, its from them as well. I tell them to not let her into their room, don't let her take their things, if she does, let me know. When she can't find her things, which she leaves EVERYWHERE!!!! She then blames them for taking it. I tell her, "no, you left it out, i put it away. why don't you look in your closet, or in your drawers?"


I try to keep my attitude toward her pleasant, as I understand that it's hard on her to have 2 adults in her life that apparently don't like each other blaming each other for her actions. so I REALLY have to look at everything from an ouside perspective. It is really hard.


I can't account for BM, but this behavior from DH wasn't like this in the beginning, he was very active in making sure that she acted right. But he was very agressive about it, not abusive, just very stern, and overly corrective. I guess he thought that this was the best way, but then he saw how i hardly punish my children (I beleive more in discipline than punishment, discipline being more TEACHING my children and TALKING with them). At first he was angry that after I was done talking to my children they came out of their room and happily apologized for their actions. He wanted them to come out crying while they were forced to apologize. He slowly STOPPED correcting SD's behavior.


I just don't know how i am going to deal when she actually DOES become a teenager.

by on Mar. 1, 2018 at 4:02 PM
Replies (11-20):
Butterphlykizz
by Member on Mar. 2, 2018 at 10:34 AM
1 mom liked this

you're right.

I think this weekend I am going to talk to the kids about them doing their own laundry. They are ALREADY supposed to be cleaning after themselves. I guess I just got in the habbit of picking up things left out and putting them up. I think I'll have a bucket I put things in instead and they can earn it back by doing a big chore, something to make MY life easier. If they don't want it after 2 weeks, it's either mine to sell, or to throw away (depending on what it is).


I like your thinking wink mini

Quoting krisnkids:

Why are you putting an almost teenager's clothes away?

Why are you putting her things away that she leaves out?

Discipline vs punishment? Get on the same page as your dh, stop babying the kids and your life will be easier.


krisnkids
by Member on Mar. 2, 2018 at 10:45 AM

Sound like good ideas.

Quoting Butterphlykizz:

you're right.

I think this weekend I am going to talk to the kids about them doing their own laundry. They are ALREADY supposed to be cleaning after themselves. I guess I just got in the habbit of picking up things left out and putting them up. I think I'll have a bucket I put things in instead and they can earn it back by doing a big chore, something to make MY life easier. If they don't want it after 2 weeks, it's either mine to sell, or to throw away (depending on what it is).


I like your thinking wink mini

Quoting krisnkids:

Why are you putting an almost teenager's clothes away?

Why are you putting her things away that she leaves out?

Discipline vs punishment? Get on the same page as your dh, stop babying the kids and your life will be easier.



DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2018 at 3:22 PM
My son is 14 and has been doing his own laundry for a few years now. I will tell you, it CAN be frustrating because he let's it back up until he's totally out of clothes sometimes, and I'm not totally certain that he always wears clean clothes, but I'm trying to teach him a life lesson. Once in a while though, it gets to the point where I can't stand it and I'll tell him he HAS to put in a load, or if he's hogging laundry baskets that he HAS to put his clothes away. I guess you could probably solve that by only giving each girl one or two baskets and labeling them. I just haven't give that far yet.

Quoting Butterphlykizz:

you're right.

I think this weekend I am going to talk to the kids about them doing their own laundry. They are ALREADY supposed to be cleaning after themselves. I guess I just got in the habbit of picking up things left out and putting them up. I think I'll have a bucket I put things in instead and they can earn it back by doing a big chore, something to make MY life easier. If they don't want it after 2 weeks, it's either mine to sell, or to throw away (depending on what it is).

I like your thinking wink mini

Quoting krisnkids:

Why are you putting an almost teenager's clothes away?

Why are you putting her things away that she leaves out?

Discipline vs punishment? Get on the same page as your dh, stop babying the kids and your life will be easier.

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2018 at 3:27 PM
On the other hand, you need to make sure your DH is on board with the bucket thing. Sticking stuff into the bucket shouldn't be an issue. The method required to get items out, however, might cause some real friction, especially if the item in question was purchased by the other parent.

Actually selling or throwing the item away should NEVER be done with an item BM purchased because it could cause an all out WAR between households. Even if it was something you and BD purchased, you need to have his buy-in on this or it could cause even more strain on your marriage, particularly if money is tight right now.


Quoting Butterphlykizz:

you're right.

I think this weekend I am going to talk to the kids about them doing their own laundry. They are ALREADY supposed to be cleaning after themselves. I guess I just got in the habbit of picking up things left out and putting them up. I think I'll have a bucket I put things in instead and they can earn it back by doing a big chore, something to make MY life easier. If they don't want it after 2 weeks, it's either mine to sell, or to throw away (depending on what it is).

I like your thinking wink mini

Quoting krisnkids:

Why are you putting an almost teenager's clothes away?

Why are you putting her things away that she leaves out?

Discipline vs punishment? Get on the same page as your dh, stop babying the kids and your life will be easier.

Butterphlykizz
by Member on Mar. 2, 2018 at 4:45 PM
I'll definitely speak with DH first. I wouldn't want him not on board.


Quoting DDDaysh: On the other hand, you need to make sure your DH is on board with the bucket thing. Sticking stuff into the bucket shouldn't be an issue. The method required to get items out, however, might cause some real friction, especially if the item in question was purchased by the other parent.

Actually selling or throwing the item away should NEVER be done with an item BM purchased because it could cause an all out WAR between households. Even if it was something you and BD purchased, you need to have his buy-in on this or it could cause even more strain on your marriage, particularly if money is tight right now.


Quoting Butterphlykizz:

you're right.

I think this weekend I am going to talk to the kids about them doing their own laundry. They are ALREADY supposed to be cleaning after themselves. I guess I just got in the habbit of picking up things left out and putting them up. I think I'll have a bucket I put things in instead and they can earn it back by doing a big chore, something to make MY life easier. If they don't want it after 2 weeks, it's either mine to sell, or to throw away (depending on what it is).

I like your thinking wink mini

Quoting krisnkids:

Why are you putting an almost teenager's clothes away?

Why are you putting her things away that she leaves out?

Discipline vs punishment? Get on the same page as your dh, stop babying the kids and your life will be easier.

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Mar. 2, 2018 at 8:38 PM
Insurance won't cover it? Both small business owners?

Go on psychology today- search therapists- without insurance OP out counseling is 90 a session. There are cheaper ones. It's worth making some phone calls.

Quoting Butterphlykizz:

I have thought of it, but another whole different problem is that we have NO $$$. his business and my business are in the slowest they has ever been. he is looking to change careers, i am looking to suppliment my income with another side job. but i think we do need counseling

Quoting pusheen-kitty: jesus.

This is a total dad problem.

So you have tried talking to him? Have you considered counseling for the both of you?

Quoting Butterphlykizz: I've been with dh for 8 years, SD is 13 tomorrow, DD's are 13 and 14.

Quoting anonomomma: Well that is a lot:-) How long have you been with your DH? How long has he and BM been divorced or broken up? How old are your kids. I have some thoughts but need a bit more information.

I have two DDs, DD12, DD14 and 8a SS17. Puberty is a bitch, but it was/is much more tolerable with my own kids.

Butterphlykizz
by Member on Mar. 3, 2018 at 8:27 AM
It's not covered by our insurance. I looked, and called yesterday, just to make sure

Quoting pusheen-kitty: Insurance won't cover it? Both small business owners?

Go on psychology today- search therapists- without insurance OP out counseling is 90 a session. There are cheaper ones. It's worth making some phone calls.

Quoting Butterphlykizz:

I have thought of it, but another whole different problem is that we have NO $$$. his business and my business are in the slowest they has ever been. he is looking to change careers, i am looking to suppliment my income with another side job. but i think we do need counseling

Quoting pusheen-kitty: jesus.

This is a total dad problem.

So you have tried talking to him? Have you considered counseling for the both of you?

Quoting Butterphlykizz: I've been with dh for 8 years, SD is 13 tomorrow, DD's are 13 and 14.

Quoting anonomomma: Well that is a lot:-) How long have you been with your DH? How long has he and BM been divorced or broken up? How old are your kids. I have some thoughts but need a bit more information.

I have two DDs, DD12, DD14 and 8a SS17. Puberty is a bitch, but it was/is much more tolerable with my own kids.

cherishedgal
by on Mar. 3, 2018 at 10:24 AM

Wow, trying to get through those teenage years is tough in a blended marriage situation.  I think the key is loving them all the same.  Sit down and have a family meeting.  Air all the problems and all the praises.  Sometimes kids feel like they don't have anyone who cares about them, or wants to spend time with them, or even loves them when they aren't disciplined.  This may be the reason she can't keep friends, she just doesn't understand what it means to stick with people through thick or thin.  Hoping you can make life better for all of you by showing them that they are all loved and have a voice in your family.  

roseofmyheart85
by Member on Mar. 6, 2018 at 10:33 PM

I am sorry you are having to deal with this and you are not alone.  Is counseling an option?  Take Care and God Bless!

pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Mar. 7, 2018 at 12:25 AM
This

Nothing works if the parent is not on board

So talk to DH first, hash it out, then both of you talk to the kids

But dad has to be on board, back you up, and follow thru

Quoting Butterphlykizz: I'll definitely speak with DH first. I wouldn't want him not on board.


Quoting DDDaysh: On the other hand, you need to make sure your DH is on board with the bucket thing. Sticking stuff into the bucket shouldn't be an issue. The method required to get items out, however, might cause some real friction, especially if the item in question was purchased by the other parent.

Actually selling or throwing the item away should NEVER be done with an item BM purchased because it could cause an all out WAR between households. Even if it was something you and BD purchased, you need to have his buy-in on this or it could cause even more strain on your marriage, particularly if money is tight right now.


Quoting Butterphlykizz:

you're right.

I think this weekend I am going to talk to the kids about them doing their own laundry. They are ALREADY supposed to be cleaning after themselves. I guess I just got in the habbit of picking up things left out and putting them up. I think I'll have a bucket I put things in instead and they can earn it back by doing a big chore, something to make MY life easier. If they don't want it after 2 weeks, it's either mine to sell, or to throw away (depending on what it is).

I like your thinking wink mini

Quoting krisnkids:

Why are you putting an almost teenager's clothes away?

Why are you putting her things away that she leaves out?

Discipline vs punishment? Get on the same page as your dh, stop babying the kids and your life will be easier.

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