Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

His behavior was not acceptable...

Posted by   + Show Post

Venting and question....

My wife and I are rasing her daughter together. We have been together for over 7 years and married for 5 of those years. She has been with us full time since the begining. I handle all of the interaction with the teachers, set doctors appointments, homework help, etc. I am raising her as my own in every aspect. I also have two older children.

My wife's ex was an abusive jerk. He lives out of state and is a truck driver. Occasionally, he makes a delivery out this way and wants to see his daughter. For the past year or so, we have had an extra car for him to borrow when he visits since he is in the 18-wheeler. For this most recent visit however, we did not have a car available for him. In addition, he was asking to have her miss school so he could see her.

My step-daughter has ADHD and has been having difficulty in school. She needs structure. My wife told him we no longer have a car available and she cannot miss school. He got mad and called her a "stupid bitch" several times in his text messages. He then told her he just "won't come visit her ever again". My step-daughter knew he was coming out and my wife didn't want to disappoint her so she agreed to allow her to miss school.

After the visit was over I spoke with my wife. I discussed with her how I always take a step back and let them deal with the visitation issues. I told her that I feel I need to intervene in this situation. Not with the decision for my step-daughter to miss school, but with the fact that he was disrespecting her by calling her a stupid bitch. She is a strong, independent, smart, and beautiful woman who does not deserve that disrespect. I told her that I was going to send him a text. Here is what it said:

Me:  "I understand that you and 'Michelle' had a disagreement. However, in the future, please do not call her names. If you do not agree with her perspective, just talk it out with her until you two work it out. I am sure you will both find a resolution in 'Megans' favor.

Him: "Ive been trying very hard to come up with exactly how I should handle that text. I'm going to try and be respectful as I can about this. This was an arguement between 2 parent's NOT step parents. To me this text overstepped ALOT of boundaries that a setp parent should never cross. In the future lets keep our boundaries in place and not do this again.

Me: "We are ver aware of our boundaries and believe we are successful in maintaining them with regards to Megan. Your action however, crossed the line with regards to respecting my wife. I don't think you would stay silent if someone called your spouse a name."

Him: "Crossing more boundaries, huh. I don't respect her at all. She stole my kid from me. She cheated and lied. I don't have to respect her. I respect her place as my child's mother but other than that she doesn't deserve respect for leaving me. I wasn't wanted to get personal with this but you wanted to take this route.

Me: "Again, please show my wife respect in future converstaions. Thank you. Have a good night."

That was the end of it. His reference to her "stealing his kid" was because she escaped from him with police escort in the middle of the night after he had beat her. She never went back. She didn't lie or cheat on him. It's all his controlling behavior. My last text was going to be much different because I was angry but I revised it and kept it politically correct and focused.

That was my vent. Here is my question...whats the follow through? What if he calls her names and treats her with disrespect again? We would never block his visits with his daughter as 'punishment'. I am thinking that if he speaks to her again in that manner that she should block him for a specific time frame and he would only be able to deal with me when he wants to speak to his daughter or arrange a visit. I know he would hate that. What other options do we have? Suggestions?

Thank you!


by on Mar. 5, 2018 at 11:53 AM
Replies (11-16):
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Mar. 5, 2018 at 6:04 PM

I don't have anything to add, what I would have said was said well already. I wanted you to know that I did read your post.

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 5, 2018 at 9:06 PM
1 mom liked this
States differ on whether or not mom's have custody in the case there is no court order. In some states they have equal custody, without being answerable to the other parent. That's why it's often dangerous to have no CO. The other parent could just take off with the kid, and then you have to find them.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: -CO STAT

- which includes pick offs/drops at a police station etc

Or supervised visits

-dad needs reliable transportation (probably can put that in the CO)

-TRO if wife can show- police reports, threatening texts etc that there is a threat


If there is no CO, it’s at moms discretion when he sees his kid right? She has full legal and physical custody? I don’t see why mom has to allow this to continue.

But you contacting a violent hot head ex of your spouse/ fuck to the no. Can be a potentially dangerous situation for all of you. Forget his number.


Quoting Andrea_here:

She is 9.

You have several good points and as I was reading I could hear myself in my head say "...yeah but..", however I understand what you are saying. I had never stepped in and said anything previously. I think I just had enough of him bullying my wife.

He will call or text usually about 3-4 days before he is coming to see her. He typically expects us to drop everything to allow his visit. We canceled a snow trip, missed work, and have given up other activities to accomodate his schedule but more so, so that my SD can have a relationship with her father. We have never stood in the way of him doing so. We have tried surprising SD in case he didn't show but it goes back to her needing structure due to her behavioral challenges. She ends up being nervous and on edge not knowing what to expect.

I think I can safely say my protective instincts are kicking in. Her father moved out here about three years ago with his family and had her visit for about 4 weeks during the summer. She was supposed to stay 8 but they were having issues so they asked us to take her back. Anyways, he moved back to the midwest without teling her. They told us they were headed for vacation for a few weeks. She was devestated when she found out he moved. It really screwed her up for a while and she still has residual issues that pop up when he is around.

Maybe it is time for a court order.

Quoting jules2boys:

If your wife is such a strong, independent, smart woman, why does she need YOU stepping in where you were invited to 'stand up for her'?  She handled it, even if it wasn't in a way YOU would choose.  She ignored his childish antics.  That's exactly how I, also a strong, independent, smart woman would react if my XH called me names.  It's 'my' fight to take up, or ignore, no one elses.  You said you let her know you were sending the text messages but really, did she ASK you to do that for her?  

The 'follow-up' is nothing.  Stay in your lane.  Let your wife handle this.  Seems like she was handling it well enough before you stepped into their lane.  Her XH is correct there.  

Continue to parent her child, but you can't 'parent' him.  I'd take it to court if my XHs wife demanded that I only speak to her.  I didn't create a child with her, I do NOT have to speak to her.  Period.  (but then, I have my kids nearly 100% of the time so this wouldn't happen in my situation).  I'd also never let my SO, my BM, xMIL, or anyone else 'speak for me' if XH and I couldn't figure things out on our own.  I'm a big girl, I can handle things on my own.  If BF didn't want to speak to me about our kids, then that's his choice, but he doesn't get to designate someone in his steed that I 'must' speak to either.

How old is your SD?  How often does BF try to come around and pull her out of class to see her?  How long are his visits, typically, when he does manage to show up?   I understand the need for consistency but she also has a need to see/know her BF, whether you think he's a good influence or not.  If she wishes to see him, and he wishes to see her, foster that relationship as best as you can.  I don't mean go out of your way to make it happen but not putting up road blocks is your role in this, and BMs too.  If you're talking 1 or 2 days out of any given school year, that's not too bad.  If you're talking 1 - 2 days out of any given month, then establish some rules about his appearances, length of time, schedule, etc.  But it doesn't sound like these visits are a frequent occurrence.  

Why not NOT tell he when he thinks he'll be there, let his visits be a surprise?  Then she's not disappointed when he doesn't show up. 

Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Mar. 5, 2018 at 11:45 PM
2 moms liked this

There is no follow through.  This isn't your battle. 

I'd completely ignore you if you tried talking to me, telling me I had to go through you to talk about seeing my child when it wasn't your place to dictate that.  


leah829
by Member on Mar. 6, 2018 at 12:09 PM


Quoting Andrea_here:

Venting and question....

My wife and I are rasing her daughter together. We have been together for over 7 years and married for 5 of those years. She has been with us full time since the begining. I handle all of the interaction with the teachers, set doctors appointments, homework help, etc. I am raising her as my own in every aspect. I also have two older children.

My wife's ex was an abusive jerk. He lives out of state and is a truck driver. Occasionally, he makes a delivery out this way and wants to see his daughter. For the past year or so, we have had an extra car for him to borrow when he visits since he is in the 18-wheeler. For this most recent visit however, we did not have a car available for him. In addition, he was asking to have her miss school so he could see her.

My step-daughter has ADHD and has been having difficulty in school. She needs structure. My wife told him we no longer have a car available and she cannot miss school. He got mad and called her a "stupid bitch" several times in his text messages. He then told her he just "won't come visit her ever again". My step-daughter knew he was coming out and my wife didn't want to disappoint her so she agreed to allow her to miss school.

After the visit was over I spoke with my wife. I discussed with her how I always take a step back and let them deal with the visitation issues. I told her that I feel I need to intervene in this situation. Not with the decision for my step-daughter to miss school, but with the fact that he was disrespecting her by calling her a stupid bitch. She is a strong, independent, smart, and beautiful woman who does not deserve that disrespect. I told her that I was going to send him a text. Here is what it said:

Me:  "I understand that you and 'Michelle' had a disagreement. However, in the future, please do not call her names. If you do not agree with her perspective, just talk it out with her until you two work it out. I am sure you will both find a resolution in 'Megans' favor.

Him: "Ive been trying very hard to come up with exactly how I should handle that text. I'm going to try and be respectful as I can about this. This was an arguement between 2 parent's NOT step parents. To me this text overstepped ALOT of boundaries that a setp parent should never cross. In the future lets keep our boundaries in place and not do this again.

Me: "We are ver aware of our boundaries and believe we are successful in maintaining them with regards to Megan. Your action however, crossed the line with regards to respecting my wife. I don't think you would stay silent if someone called your spouse a name."

Him: "Crossing more boundaries, huh. I don't respect her at all. She stole my kid from me. She cheated and lied. I don't have to respect her. I respect her place as my child's mother but other than that she doesn't deserve respect for leaving me. I wasn't wanted to get personal with this but you wanted to take this route.

Me: "Again, please show my wife respect in future converstaions. Thank you. Have a good night."

That was the end of it. His reference to her "stealing his kid" was because she escaped from him with police escort in the middle of the night after he had beat her. She never went back. She didn't lie or cheat on him. It's all his controlling behavior. My last text was going to be much different because I was angry but I revised it and kept it politically correct and focused.

That was my vent. Here is my question...whats the follow through? What if he calls her names and treats her with disrespect again? We would never block his visits with his daughter as 'punishment'. I am thinking that if he speaks to her again in that manner that she should block him for a specific time frame and he would only be able to deal with me when he wants to speak to his daughter or arrange a visit. I know he would hate that. What other options do we have? Suggestions?

Thank you!


See a lawyer.   Sooner rather than later.

Andrea_here
by Member on Mar. 6, 2018 at 6:55 PM

Thank you everyone for responding. I know when I post here, the responses may not be what I was looking for but at least I'll get honesty. Based on your feedback, I will handle this differently next time.

Just as a side note...my wife was glad I stepped in and said something. The action was not meant to undermine her independance. It was my protective side kicking in.

Thanks again.

jpickens
by Gold Member on Mar. 7, 2018 at 2:20 AM

I think you should have stayed out of it to keep down confusion, but not nessesarily because you said something to him about picking on a woman and calling people stupid bitches.  I agree that going through you would be overstepping parenting boundaries.  But having a kid by your wife doesn't mean he is entitled to be that disrespectful and pull the boundary card when he is called out on his behavior.  

If he acts like that a lot,  shit happens and just try to keep your composure from now on for your SD's sake.  I agree that she should go to court and she can ask that they are required to use a mediation application like Our Family Wizard. 



Quoting Andrea_here:

Thank you everyone for responding. I know when I post here, the responses may not be what I was looking for but at least I'll get honesty. Based on your feedback, I will handle this differently next time.

Just as a side note...my wife was glad I stepped in and said something. The action was not meant to undermine her independance. It was my protective side kicking in.

Thanks again.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)