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What am I doing wrong?

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I had a really good relationship with my stepdaughter, but more recently she has started pushing everyone away... she has started talking about me to my daughter behind my back (I heard every word she said) and it's breaking my heart. Her bio mom isn't in the picture and doesn't make an effort. I have tried really hard. I know she is having a hard time with her emotions going though puberty, but I don't understand what I have done to deserve to be treated like crap.. is it just her emotions? or does she actually hate me now? I know no one has the answer to that but I am so stressed about it. It's seriously putting a strain on my relationship with her which makes me feel like I pick favorites... which I have always tried really hard not too... but my DD is so much like how I was at that age I find it easier to relate to her and my DSD she alienates me and gets nasty and petty.... I can't relate to her at all and I don't understand what's going though her mind at all as she won't talk to me... where as DD does.

by on Mar. 7, 2018 at 8:32 PM
Replies (11-16):
Leigh84
by Gold Member on Mar. 8, 2018 at 12:50 PM
I don’t think it’s anything that you have done and I doubt that she hates you. I agree w/the other posters that’s it’s probably a combination of hormones and processing her own emotions. I agree that some one on one time w/her dad and even you sometimes might be good for her. Good luck.
Shabby_Chic
by Silver Member on Mar. 8, 2018 at 2:29 PM
1 mom liked this
Not 100% sure. Both my kids were abandoned but only the girl child made me feel as if she hated me. I chalk it up to her being female because I did similarly.

Quoting codysara: Is this a girl thing maybe? My boys never did this.

Quoting Shabby_Chic:

She's treating you like some girls treat the adults in their lives at that stage.  Mine went through that.  And she is my flesh and blood.  There were days i thought she hated me.  

soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Mar. 8, 2018 at 5:49 PM
It sounds like the biggest problem is you are expecting her to be like you and your daughter rather than her own person. She probably knows this which makes her feel alienated and makes a teen who would probably already have issues due to abandonment and the confusion of puberty exacerbated.
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2018 at 8:46 AM
1 mom liked this

then add in her feeling like her Dad doesn't have as much time for her + puberty and you have yourself a preteeen bundle of emtions. 

Quoting soonergirl980: It sounds like the biggest problem is you are expecting her to be like you and your daughter rather than her own person. She probably knows this which makes her feel alienated and makes a teen who would probably already have issues due to abandonment and the confusion of puberty exacerbated.


Verified BM/SM/BOB .... wwnsdd?

WickedPissah
by 2Sexy4MyStoma on Mar. 9, 2018 at 9:04 AM
Probably nothing.

She's being a girl.

Plus kids are constantly trying to figure out who they are.
Hrt2Hrt2018
by New Member on Mar. 21, 2018 at 10:58 AM


You are not doing anything wrong. Blended families are very hard to work through. We forget that the kids do not ask for this. They are affected as a result of adult decisions. She is at a tough age and trying to figure out where she belongs and where she fits in.

I'm sure she is trying to work through why her bio mom left, she may feel guilty and torn between the feelings she has for you and her bio mom. And it sounds like she is somewhat jealous of your relationship with your daughter and her dad. She has to share her dad with you. Now add all of this on to the typical teenage, growing up years and it is twice as hard.

I think you hit it right when you said dad needed to spend more one on one time with her. This is important. Everyone needs their own one on one time. And the special notes in the lunchbox, sending a card, (everyone likes to get mail) and just the extra special attention to make her feel loved, wanted and part of the family.

Keep trying and it will all come together. Try not to beat yourself up. It is normal and there is nothing more important than a family working together to make it work. 

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