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What am I doing wrong!!!

Posted by on Mar. 20, 2018 at 4:12 PM
  • 37 Replies
I am a custodial childless SM. Are there anyone else out there like me? so I have my 2 SS full time. They are great kids. They see BM every other weekend. We started off so well, but now seems so different. It’s going on 5 years now and love my husband so much so I’m trying to stay strong. This year they will turn 12. I know but don’t know what exactly I’m doing wrong. I cook, clean, do all the laundry and fold, and iron all the school uniforms. My husband does this too. I bake with them and for them, try to help with homework, go to all their sports, music, and school events. I realize now that I am a little to hard on finishing homework before video games, and getting good grades like they always do, I would do that if I had given birth. I treated them like my own (recently found out I can’t have kids but husband is very happy about that. He doesn’t want anymore so I guess this is good).i treat the boys like my own but that was a mistake my husband says. I’m not allowed to treat them like my own he says cause they are not. I understand that even if it hurts a little but it’s true. I also understand that I have boundaries and am ok with it but why am I not allowed to enteract with them now. One of the boys is growing a little faster than the other and of course is at the stage of life when u test ur parents and the stage where u can express more of how u feel about things. This one doesn’t really like his BM at the moment because he will always remember her leaving them at age 1. He seems now more angry but still a great kid. I understand that he may be going thru some things and want him to know that I am here for them anytime they need. Lately he has been not talking to me or even looking at me. He told his dad that he doesn’t know why I don’t like him. I never said that or did anything I thought to make him feel that way. I guess I’ve been doing too much for them and asking him to do his homework or clean their room or give choirs like I’ve been doing all these years. He moops around and doesn’t want to do things but I thought that this is typical of growing kids. I had no idea that when I ask him to do things or have to ask more than once to do it that I was “messing with him and picking on him” my husband says. The other SS stills talks to me and hugs me. Now my husband won’t let me interact with either the boys and my husband is not talking to me. He says he has to protect them from me and keeps them away from me... Both of them. I feel so isolated and alone. My husband is probably right...I am becoming the stepmom that nobody likes. It hurts to hear that. He also tells me that everything is so peaceful and no tension when I am gone at work and that he likes it that way. (I work night shifts 3 nights a week). When I am not working, I stay in my room most of the time so that they don’t feel awkward. When I do come out of the room to join them, everyone gets quite and I’m not allowed to say anything to them. What am I doing wrong!! It’s so hard to live like this. I know I have made some mistakes and I will own it, trying to find my role in the home. I’m not perfect I know but do I deserve to be treated this way? Is this normal? Please post any truths. I can take it, but leaving is not an option. I won’t do that. I just want to be better to them including my husband no matter what it takes.
by on Mar. 20, 2018 at 4:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CrystalSapphire
by Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 4:20 PM
4 moms liked this
I don't know if it's anything you're doing. I think your marriage is troubled and your husband wants his children to support him. They're actively shunning you (at least your husband and one stepson), and that is rapidly crushing. If you get to the point where you see no hope, do not blame yourself. Their mother left and their father is pushing you away. Their parents let them down, not you.
myeverything02
by Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 6:55 PM
2 moms liked this
Counselling! I don't think its about you and your ss. Teenagers are difficult and its tough for them and parents but your dh isn't helping. Can you take a mini vacation? Visit family? Is he wanting a way out? I wish you the best of luck but you shouldnt feel like you don't belong in your own home. Hiding in your room? I think the issues are between dh and you.
minimoo
by Platinum Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 7:56 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm curious what mistakes you made. This might help my advice. The way your dh is treating you is like you are abusive. But it sounds like he himself is emotionally abusive and he's acting childish. None of what you wrote gave me the impression that the boys need protection from you, and I would be confused too. I would back off doing things for them for now and let dad handle it. If they aren't doing their homework, dad can either get on them himself or they can accept the bad grade. Also maybe sit down with him and talk about his expectations regarding the boys and whatever boundaries you may have unknowingly crossed
anonomomma
by Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 7:58 PM
5 moms liked this
It sounds like your husband has checked out of your marriage and is trying to separate you from his kids. My advice is to drop the rope and let him be 100% in charge of his kids. Maybe when he sees how much you do he will appreciate you more.
jpickens
by Gold Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 9:33 PM
2 moms liked this
Can you give examples of what your DH is complaining about as far as boundaries?

Nothing you mentioned sounds like it justifies your husband being a dickbag.
J3blessed
by Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 10:02 PM
Thanks myeverything02. I would love counseling but he had bad experience with his ex wife in counseling. I agree and do believe the issues it’s between me and DH. He says I don’t listen. I realizing he’s right.i get ideas and I think I’m helping but he says I’m not. He is used to just him and the boys and now there is a woman (me) in the House changing somethings like decor or colors or folding laundry inside of keeping clean clothes on the floor. I came in and changed up somethings and that was a big mistake. I’ve learning that now but to him it’s a little to late to learn. I’m also making mistakes all the time. I guess I’m trying to get use to being a wife and stepmom and knowing my role. Gets confusing at times. I’ve never been married before. He says that I am doing the same things his ex did. I forget sometimes to call/text him when I am safe at work or when I decide to go to another store after telling him I’m going to a particular store. I understand that he wants me to be safe. The one thing I’m trying to get use to is him not believing me that I sometimes get off work late unexpectedly at times due to emergencies at the hospital. He thinks I’m cheating. His ex wife (married to him for almost 10 years) worked late and cheated and left him and the babies now he feels that I will do it too. I think he is protecting himself from if it happens again. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HIM And THE BOYS! Never. I try to understand and be patient but it does hurt sometimes when he says things like that. When I try to tell him my feelings it just upsets him and he calls me selfish and that I dont care about him or the boys. Trying to stay strong. I know he’s hurt but I don’t know what all to do. I say the wrong things at times thinking I’m encouraging him and let him know that I’m not his ex. I’m here to stay...I really do want counseling..really.

Quoting myeverything02: Counselling! I don't think its about you and your ss. Teenagers are difficult and its tough for them and parents but your dh isn't helping. Can you take a mini vacation? Visit family? Is he wanting a way out? I wish you the best of luck but you shouldnt feel like you don't belong in your own home. Hiding in your room? I think the issues are between dh and you.
J3blessed
by Member on Mar. 20, 2018 at 10:10 PM
Thanks. I think you are right. Will take a step back. It’s hard not to be involved in things with all of them but I guess that’s one of my problems. I’m realizing that since these two boys are the only kids I will ever have, I think I tend to do too much. I know I’m not Mom and they know that. I am not here to replace anyone. Just want to be here. Im learning...wish I had learned sooner...

Quoting anonomomma: It sounds like your husband has checked out of your marriage and is trying to separate you from his kids. My advice is to drop the rope and let him be 100% in charge of his kids. Maybe when he sees how much you do he will appreciate you more.
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Mar. 20, 2018 at 11:25 PM
11 moms liked this
Hey OP,

Me: Childless SM, husband has custody, been in their lives over five years

First, I’m sorry you are struggling.

Here’s my advice:

This is a husband problem. He’s a raging bag of dicks. He’s putting his kids before your marriage, refuses to go to therapy, and resents everything you do for the house, for him, and his kids. So at this moment, he can kick rocks.

Get counseling for you- it helps. You have the double whammy I had- infertility and your husbands kids full time. You definitely need to talk to someone about this. To empower yourself and realize he’s acting like a piece of shit. Love is not going to fix it unless he realizes his shitty behavior. Been there.

Gather your support system. Friends, family, everyone.

Do no harm with the kids, meaning, be polite and nice, but the other shit- fuck homework. That’s dads job. Resist the urge to give a fuck and if they fail, that’s on dad. Don’t discipline. Let dad do that.

Don’t iron uniforms or clean up after your husband and his kids. If your husband gives you shit, have something prepared to say, like, “you told me you got this, so... you got this” whatever.

Focus on you. Your therapy, practice self care, date yourself, hang out with friends, give yourself the weekend off etc. you are important too.

GL
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Mar. 20, 2018 at 11:27 PM
8 moms liked this
Put down the bat OP. Your husband isn’t “right” and you are not a piece of shit. Ok?

Quoting J3blessed: Thanks. I think you are right. Will take a step back. It’s hard not to be involved in things with all of them but I guess that’s one of my problems. I’m realizing that since these two boys are the only kids I will ever have, I think I tend to do too much. I know I’m not Mom and they know that. I am not here to replace anyone. Just want to be here. Im learning...wish I had learned sooner...

Quoting anonomomma: It sounds like your husband has checked out of your marriage and is trying to separate you from his kids. My advice is to drop the rope and let him be 100% in charge of his kids. Maybe when he sees how much you do he will appreciate you more.
J3blessed
by Member on Mar. 21, 2018 at 7:39 AM
Ok GL. Thank you.

Quoting pusheen-kitty: Put down the bat OP. Your husband isn’t “right” and you are not a piece of shit. Ok?

Quoting J3blessed: Thanks. I think you are right. Will take a step back. It’s hard not to be involved in things with all of them but I guess that’s one of my problems. I’m realizing that since these two boys are the only kids I will ever have, I think I tend to do too much. I know I’m not Mom and they know that. I am not here to replace anyone. Just want to be here. Im learning...wish I had learned sooner...

Quoting anonomomma: It sounds like your husband has checked out of your marriage and is trying to separate you from his kids. My advice is to drop the rope and let him be 100% in charge of his kids. Maybe when he sees how much you do he will appreciate you more.
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