Americans Have the Most Spoiled Children, thoughts

[cjsmom1]

Spoiling our kids is the latest hot topic. An article in the July 2 New Yorker by writer Elizabeth Kolbert concludes that American children are "spoiled rotten." Kolbert writes: "With the exception of the imperial offspring of the Ming dynasty and the dauphins of pre-revolutionary France, contemporary American kids may represent the most indulged young people in the history of the world." Kolbert wonders why this might be, speculating on our various attitudes towards our children (Do we expect too little? Want too much approval?) and bringing up one anthropologist's theory that a long juvenile/ maturation period is necessary in order to handle the complexities of the modern world.

A response by Lisa Belkin in the Huffington Post retorts defensively that maybe spoiling is good for us, or at least not so bad. Our kids, Belkin says, don't need to be obedient, they need to get into college. They're focusing on grades and extracurricular instead of chores. And anyway, she writes, we all have so little time together, let's enjoy it instead of enforcing discipline.

Any parent with common sense knows that "spoiling" is bad--it's bad for kids, primarily. Kids aren't ready to be in charge yet; that's what the parent is for. Or, as Robert J. MacKenzie, a family therapist, educational psychologist and creator of the "Setting Limits" program told Yahoo! Shine, indulging children, "decreases their sensitivity and respect for the rights, feelings and boundaries of others. That creates a 'me first' generation that believes 'rules are for other people.'" Not a good result, even if they do get into college.

The lead anecdote in the Kolbert piece compares contemporary middle-class children in Los Angeles with children in the Peruvian Andes, and is taken from an article in the journal Ethos by the UCLA anthropologists Elinor Ochs and Carolina Izquierdo. The American children had to be nagged mercilessly to do even the smallest chore (as no parent will be surprised to hear). In the Peruvian Andes, however, six-year-olds routinely make themselves useful by sweeping sand off of sleeping mats and catching and cooking crustaceans for the adults' dinner.

This is funny, but it's unhelpful in that it makes child-discipline feel mysterious and wishful. If only times were simpler and we all lived hunter-gatherer existences in the Amazon, our kids would behave! No wonder Lisa Belkin just gives up and embraces the positives about spoiling.

However, Allison Pugh, a sociologist who has studied family life and the author of Longing and Belonging: Parents, Children and Consumer Culture made a different suggestion to Yahoo! Shine. "The New Yorker piece exemplifies the trend in our culture; we blame children for the symptoms without doing a lot of self examination," she says. "We marvel at the six-year-old [in the Peruvian Andes] who just chipped in. That six-year-old wasn't born chipping in; she was taught."

A similar view comes from Babble writer and mother of five Meagan Francis, whose essay "Why Household Chores Mean Happier Kids," up now in At Home section of Shine, put it a different way: "Frankly, expecting kids to pull their weight--and enforcing those rules day in and day out--is tough. When I had 'just' the two kids, the daily trade-off hardly seemed worth it: It was better to just do it myself than try to oversee a pair of rambunctious, clumsy, pint-sized employees."

Sociologist Pugh cautions against concluding, however, that American parents are just lazy or American children are just bad--what she calls the "individual vice" argument--and instead suggests we look to our culture, specifically the demands of the American workplace.

"Americans work more hours than anyone else in the universe," she says. "There's a drive for efficiency. It's just more efficient to do chores yourself or outsource them rather than teaching children to contribute. That's a shame, but I don't think it's a children's shame, and it's not just the parents' fault. There are only so many hours in the workday."

This seems like a practical, rational conclusion: We don't discipline our kids because it takes time, and we often quite literally don't have the time. That is a relatively clear, and a particularly American issue. And if we identify the source of the problem, our chances of solving it-i.e. spoiling our kids less, which, yes, needs to be done-might improve, with or without the crustacean dinner.

[princess_1983]

When I was growing up I was spoiled. I'm the youngest of 3 kids. My 4 year old is spoiled but doesn't know it yet.

[ReesesPieces]

I have too many kids for them to be spoiled. :). We have fun, but we have rules and expectations. My kids have chores they must help with, and they are required to do certain things each day in order to earn their privileges, but we are not typical of most families - at least families I've met. Some kids are just allowed to be down-right rotten!

[Stevensmomma]

Kids need rules and chores more than anything else now a days all these kids have poor attitudes and a sense of entitlement which sets them up for failure as a adult

[cjsmom1]

I comepletely agree with this

Quoting michiganmom116:

Raising a child involves more than providing a roof over their head, food in their tummies, seeing that they're entertained, and a formal education.

[jbyrd898]

I also want to say that every generation has always said something to this effect about the next generation, that they are spoiled, lazy etc. They always turn out okay though :) I think people need to have more faith in the next generations.

[momto3isme]

Some kids are spoiled mine are to an extent.

[yvonne37]

 I agree with Rhonda.  I think these "studies" are not acurate and you can generalized. I know american children are spoiled in the sense that they get many things and they take them for granted. I also think parents need to teach their children how the real world is and stop protecting them and baby-ing them. They need to experience what it takes to survive, to care for a family, to be responsible and care for themselves.

Quoting michiganmom116:

I do agree that children need to be taught responsibility.  MANY American children don't have the advantage of parents that teach them this, but many American children do.  The "study" compared children from middle class LA (not typical of all American children) and children from the Andes (about as far from middle class LA as you can get.)  OF COURSE the children will be different!

I do expect my kids to help out with the family's work load.  I failed with my two oldest DS (I'll admit they were not as disciplined because I wasn't available to them most of the waking hours of their days during their formative years), but my three youngest children have been raised to help out.  They do housecleaning, laundry, yard work, animal care, and gardening.  Yesterday they cleaned the house without being asked while I was gone for a couple of hours.

Raising a child involves more than providing a roof over their head, food in their tummies, seeing that they're entertained, and a formal education.

 

[suziejax]

this is interesting