I have a personal question... more like a vent.
I will try to make this short. My husband has a son from his prior relationship, he is 16, his son's mother took him away and denied him his visitation rights. We fought in court, but she got the upper hand and he got tired of her lies, so he has not seen him in about 5 years. Every time he has called and try to reach to him, they start arguments and she starts asking for material things (granted my husband pays child support since day one, almost $800 a month) and she would grab what she can from him with the promise of letting him see/talk to his son and then dosent let him. Its been like this for a while and my husband has let it go... Well, I was checking our family plan (cell) about a month ago and noticed one phone call to her, I didnt ask or make an issue, because I trust him.
Just two days ago I was on the phone with him while he was driving home (he uses a bluetooth) and I informed him that I was on the cellphone web site and that we were about to go over the minutes, so to please dont call anyone that is not in our plan or to wait until 9pm, etc.... he then tells me "oh I forgot to tell you I called my son's mother to see if I can talk to him". He didnt mention he had called her before, just that day.. I asked him if he did talked to him and kept the conversation going in a natural way, but inside I was keeping my "eye" open for little clues... anyway, for two days he has been calling them and he spoke to his son, which by the way wants an Apple Mac Pro Laptop ($$$$$) I am already upset because we are going through hard times financially speaking and he is looking online info on this laptop... meaning he is going to fall for it again. This time I will not comment and I will not ask him anything... now this is my question. Last night he was on his way back from work and calls me, we talk for two minutes and he tells me he will call me back because he wanted to call his son. Ok. Half an hour later he calls me and starts rambling about work, co-workers, things in the house, etc... but does not mention if he spoke to him. I let him, but then I said to him "Do you want to keep that part of your life to yourself?" (out of the blue, he was not expecting for me to ask that). He asks what am I talking about. I explain to him that it sounds like he does not want to tell me if he spoke to his son and that it looks like he wants to keep that to himself, that I was expecting for him to at least say "oh by the way I got to speak to him". He gets upset. He starts saying "here we go again" which means that I am making it hard for him to see his son (because he thinks I am jealous and that I think he is talking intimate stuff with his son's mother, which he did in the past, on speaker, in front of me, so she can let her guard down. This was something he tried in the past) I am not thinking he is doing that again or anything like it. I know my husband and he would not do anything to mess up our marriage, like going to bed with another women, but... he is keeping things from me for the first time. So we discuss it some more and I tell him that I felt bad because something as important to him as talking to his son would have been nice to be a part of, but I said that if what he needs right now is for me not to get involved then so be it.
He went to bed thinking I was ok with it. I am fuming, but will not let this show. I know she is still telling him that she loves him and that she was very hurt when he moved on (she got married to her now husband two years before I married my husband!) and I know he is not telling me she is still on the same track because he wants to keep the peace and not make me get upset... but shouldnt he at least say "honey I spoke to my son and everything went ok? I was not asking for details. I dont want to know what he spoke to that bitch. I just wanted to feel like he is sharing a happy moment in his life with me, his best friend. Was I wrong in getting upset? should I have not asked?
Personally and in my heart I feel there is nothing going on between them, but I also feel like he does not want me involved in it and he wants to "show" them that its just about him, his son and her this time so she can let my husband see his son... it still hurt me that he changed the subject after calling his son and didnt even make a comment.. its almost like he was talking a lot just for me not to ask how did it go.
Sorry ladies for the rant... but I want to know if I am in the wrong and your opinion. Feel free to say what you feel and think.. please.
He should also talk to you before getting expensive things because it affects you also.
I would be upset also.He should want to share that with you. I also agree if he plans to make a big purchase he should discuss it with you first.
Thats my point. This is something very important to him, its about his son and to me that is the most important thing (our kids) so I was expecting for him to relate that happy moment when he got to talk to him and tell me. I dont want details of his conversation but at least tell me that you are happy and that it went well (or whatever the outcome) then he tells me that he never asked me anything when I was talking to my son's father. I havent had a conversation with my ex since my son turned 13 and I told him that whatever he has to talk he can do it directly with our son because he is a teen and big enough. But before that I would always tell my husband when I spoke to my ex and what was said... the laptop he wants (which we looked up together this morning because he wanted my opinion) costs $2,699.00 and it said its the best for ONLINE GAMING!!! His son told him it was for school... but if he needs one for school then one that is less expensive would do. this one has hdmi, 2.6 mgz, sonic something video card, etc... its a professional computer used in serious gaming. Now this morning when he saw the price and what they recommend that one for he (my husband) was telling me that he is not going to get him that one. I asked him if he wanted my advice, and he said yes please.. so I told him he should call his son and ask him in detail what we needed the laptop for and maybe you could get him another one for less that did the same work and then I shut up. I am just going to support him and not get to involved.. its hard but necessary :)
Quoting cjsmom1:
I would be upset also. He should be comfortable to speak to you about his son. Him attempting to keep his ex happy is isolating you and is not right.
He should also talk to you before getting expensive things because it affects you also.
he might just not feel comfortable talking about it right now. after all, it is new to him and he really doesnt know how you are going to respond. i would continue to tell him i want to be involved in what you and your son are saying to each other because he shouldnt keep secrets from you. i would only tell him that one time. then i would monitor the calls to make sure he wasnt spending too much time talking with the mom. this should be about him and his son. i know this because i have had to go through it. i know monitoring his calls seems sneaky and like you dont trust him but i would not trust the other woman. i have had this happen to me and my husband never did anything to make me not trust him. he was innocent in the whole thing. now i dont ask him when he has talked to his son. i trust him completely.
I agree
Quoting ReesesPieces:
I'm going to sound rude here but if he pays $800 a month in child support (and the mom is married) why isn't she getting him a laptop? I know kids are expensive but my 5 kids don't cost $800 a month all together. That's a lot of money. I'm not saying don't get him anything, but a laptop isn't going to make things better with his son. His son won't magically get to see or talk to him. It won't work that way.
thats a good point too!!
Quoting lyrick24:he might just not feel comfortable talking about it right now. after all, it is new to him and he really doesnt know how you are going to respond. i would continue to tell him i want to be involved in what you and your son are saying to each other because he shouldnt keep secrets from you. i would only tell him that one time. then i would monitor the calls to make sure he wasnt spending too much time talking with the mom. this should be about him and his son. i know this because i have had to go through it. i know monitoring his calls seems sneaky and like you dont trust him but i would not trust the other woman. i have had this happen to me and my husband never did anything to make me not trust him. he was innocent in the whole thing. now i dont ask him when he has talked to his son. i trust him completely.
Quoting yvonne37:Thats my point. This is something very important to him, its about his son and to me that is the most important thing (our kids) so I was expecting for him to relate that happy moment when he got to talk to him and tell me. I dont want details of his conversation but at least tell me that you are happy and that it went well (or whatever the outcome) then he tells me that he never asked me anything when I was talking to my son's father. I havent had a conversation with my ex since my son turned 13 and I told him that whatever he has to talk he can do it directly with our son because he is a teen and big enough. But before that I would always tell my husband when I spoke to my ex and what was said... the laptop he wants (which we looked up together this morning because he wanted my opinion) costs $2,699.00 and it said its the best for ONLINE GAMING!!! His son told him it was for school... but if he needs one for school then one that is less expensive would do. this one has hdmi, 2.6 mgz, sonic something video card, etc... its a professional computer used in serious gaming. Now this morning when he saw the price and what they recommend that one for he (my husband) was telling me that he is not going to get him that one. I asked him if he wanted my advice, and he said yes please.. so I told him he should call his son and ask him in detail what we needed the laptop for and maybe you could get him another one for less that did the same work and then I shut up. I am just going to support him and not get to involved.. its hard but necessary :)
Quoting cjsmom1:
I would be upset also. He should be comfortable to speak to you about his son. Him attempting to keep his ex happy is isolating you and is not right.
He should also talk to you before getting expensive things because it affects you also.
Monthly expenses
- yvonne37
on Aug. 1, 2012 at 8:37 AM