This Labor Day, right when my DH was getting ready to take the kids to see his father in the hospice of a nursing home, we realized his car had been ....repossessed.
I am beside myself. It's not that the whole process and getting the car back was a pain -which it was- plus expensive - it's that I can't believe he let it get this bad.
And the most infuriating aspect of this is - we HAD the money to pay the bill all along.
One mistake is one thing, but a pattern is a bad thing. I told him not long ago that if he didn't keep up his payments, this would happen. He'd already gotten the notice and asked me to pay online...then watched me submit payment online, and remembers watching me do it. According to the bank, it didn't post and a rep said commonly people forget to hit 'submit'. So now he's blaming me!
I've paid it a couple times for him before online. So I know how to do it. I think this was a computer error. But that doesn't erase the fact that when I did pay this for him, he was already MONTHS behind.
In the 13 years we've been together, I've taken over the bills maybe 3 times. I didn't like doing it because he doesn't balance his checkbook so paying things is difficult when you don't know what's in your account. When I addressed this to him, he'd say you can check it at the ATM (this before we had it online). I've always been tied up with kids, it's not convenient to run to the bank just to check our balance. And it's STUPID because what if there is an electronic error or something didn't post yet...you have no balance of your own to check against.
I was raised by an extremely frugal father. My parents had grown up during the Depression and my dad was a WWII vet, who's father died when he was 19 and he had to help his mom with the other 5 kids. He himself had 6 kids, and we all went to college. I would be ashamed if he were alive today, to know how we've handled our finances.
I ashamed I haven't just taken over the bills completely knowing that my DH is lazy with bill paying. I told him recently, because he's focused on work so much, "You can't just work...you have to pay the bills".
I'm frustrated and frankly, this scares me.
I know I can take over, knuckle down, and get a handle on balancing our checkbook and keeping track. It's just hard with the babies I have now, but I have to stay up late a few nights a week and do it, until I can get to one night a week checking in with the bills. My DH, he won't even open his mail, even when I hand it to him. And here he was, blaming me for not leaving two toddlers alone just to go to the mailbox most days when he can grab it getting out of his car after work!
I blame him but I know I'm partially responsible. I do have an excuse for myself though, that I feel like I'm doing everything else to keep this house together! Got 3 kids, 4 pets, and very little outside help. My DH just wants to work, come home, eat dinner and go to bed. He helps, does a lot than some men actually, but doesn't realize how much work we have to do until he's sitting there with the laptop before our work is done. Most child rearing decisions - like dealing with our tween or potty training for our 2-1/2 yr old, or anger management for our 18 mo. old - he leaves to me, with a shrug of his shoulders.
I'm ticked too, that now I have to assume another responsibility.
I also feel for him, because his father is in level 2 hospice in a nursing home. He lost his mother 2 years ago, as well as I lost both my elderly parents in 2008 so I understand how it feels.
But, this is kind of how he's always been, just worse.
I pay the bills and I really don't think it takes that much time. My DH won't open the mail, wouldn't bother to go through the work of paying the bills and is generally not interested in anything that requires organization. I don't like having to be the one that pays the bills, but it sure beats the stress and hassle of nagging him to do it. I believe that the person in the relationship who is best suited to a task should do that task.
I have a clear plastic envelope (you can get at any office supply store). As soon as a bill comes in the mail, I open it, recycle the extra paper and put the bill in my plastic envelope. I get paid on the 15th and the last day of the month. My DH gets paid every other friday. On MY paydays I go into our online account: On the 15th I pay all of the bills; On the last day of the month I pay the mortgage. I contacted all of our bills so that the 'due dates' align with my payment schedule. The first time takes a while to put all your bills in online, but after that I can pay all the bills in 20 minutes or less. Any extra bills (ex. medical, car renewal, ect) all go in the envelop the same. We are never late and everything is easily managed since we have direct deposit and pay online twice a month. I look at our checking account once a day just to make sure nothing weird is going on.... that takes maybe 3-5 min.
Sorry, but I agree with Michiganmom that being busy with regular family tasks is not an excuse to not take care of your bills. Having a sick family member, I will give you some slack for since that is mentally and physically taxing. But the stablity of your home depends on it. How much stress, time, money and hassel went into letting your car payment get so late that it was repo'd! You could take all of that away by taking 30 min twice per month + 3 min per day to pay your bills (That is 2.5 hours per month and likely would be less). This is very doable... not hiking Mount Everest.
That would be frustrating. He probably has a lot on his plate that he just stopped carring. My suggestion is to take over for him.
I understand your frustration. I'm a SAHM of 5 kids under the age of 7, and I handle the bills. It does get overwhelming, but then I think what it must be like for my hubby. He works a demanding job all day, comes home to me and 5 kids all wanting his time, he has to mow the lawn, handle other tasks he wants to do, and if he had to do the bills on top of that, I know he'd be stressed out.
If you are wanting to take over the bills, I say go for it. You can do it! It's totally do-able. It is hard to have such little ones, believe me, I know!! I also know that life is so much easier when I treat being a SAHM like a job. It is my JOB to clean the house, take care of the kids, do home pre-school, do homework, do the bills, coupon, shop, and all the other random stuff I have to do. When my hubby gets home, he can relax (well, at least play with the kids) and that actually makes him want to help more. Pushing him to help makes him want to relax. It is a lot of work - so much stinking work - but once you get it into your routine, it's really not that bad.
It sounds like you will have to take over the finanaces to make sure the bills get paid on time.
Thank you.
Since I first posted, I talked to a relative who does accounting work and is VERY good with money. I knew she was, but was reluctant to tell her the situation for fear of embarrassment and judgement - she's also my only babysitter if we need one. Didn't want to screw that up. But I told her, and it turned out good so far. She offered to help me sort out the bills.
The only problem now is getting DH on board with me doing the bills. I set in my mind a couple days a week just to look things over and organize, and told him I would do the bills. But today he just jumped in and started looking at them. I guess that's not a problem? I don't know. It could be positive, or a sign that he's not going to accept me doing them. We'll see.
Quoting michiganmom116:
Since he'd rather stick his head in the sand about the finances, you will have to take over if you want them done properly. I'd strongly suggest getting money management software to help you. I use Money Sunset (free download) and it saves me a LOT of time and headache, even when I'm distracted by family stresses. Sign up for online banking with your bank if you haven't done so already, and take the checkbook away from him (or else get duplicate checks so you can SEE what he's doing with it.)
Sorry, but your excuses below don't fly with me. I have FIVE kids (the last 3 are 3 years apart TOTAL), 3 dogs, 4 cats, 2 horses, a rabbit, a bird, 3 large gardens, and in the summer we have 100+ chickens, and I still manage to take care of all those plus a blind mother that doesn't live with us. I cook all three meals from scratch and homeschool, too, along with managing and being a mod for groups here on CM. (No, I'm not Superwoman) My DH works a lot of 12 hour days and weekends. He doesn't have time to take care of the outside responsibilities like a 2 acre lawn or garden. He doesn't come home and clean the house or get the mail or do all the barn chores. When he IS home, his butt is in a chair and he's watching TV. I can choose to take on the responsibilities, or I can watch our home and family crash and burn. It's not fair, and I KNOW it's not easy, but that's life. You need to search for tools to help you, like the money management software, or Flylady techniques to help you find a more efficient routine.
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I do have an excuse for myself though, that I feel like I'm doing everything else to keep this house together! Got 3 kids, 4 pets, and very little outside help. My DH just wants to work, come home, eat dinner and go to bed. He helps, does a lot than some men actually, but doesn't realize how much work we have to do until he's sitting there with the laptop before our work is done. Most child rearing decisions - like dealing with our tween or potty training for our 2-1/2 yr old, or anger management for our 18 mo. old - he leaves to me, with a shrug of his shoulders.
I'm ticked too, that now I have to assume another responsibility.
~hugs~ and good luck!
Monthly expenses
- buttersworth
on Sep. 6, 2012 at 3:18 AM