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Have you talked to your kids about stranger danger?

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Stranger Danger and Other Things That Go Bump in the Night

Posted by Linda Sharps
on Aug 16, 2011

Her fingers were lifting the elastic in my son's underwear, and as she performed a quick, professional peer at his boyparts, she kept up a running commentary: "This is okay because your mom's here, only your parents and a doctor can look at your body, if anyone ever touches you or makes you uncomfortable, you should tell your mom or dad, okay?"

My son, who was 100 percent focused on the surprise round of pre-kindergarten vaccinations that were next on the agenda, nodded blankly. You could practically see the giant cartoon syringe reflected in his pupils.

The pediatrician patted my child comfortingly and allowed him to sit up and start pulling on his clothes. "Have you guys talked about stranger danger?" she asked.

"Um ..." I said. "We, uh. Not in a matter of ... well, no."

No, I haven't talked to my almost-6-year old about stranger danger. In fact, we were heading into a store the other day—myself, Riley, and my 3-year-old—and an elderly man who was coming in the automatic doors at the same time pointed a finger in their direction and said, "Want to come with me, boys? I've got some candy!" and cackled into my face, tickled pink at his little joke. Instead of reeling away in fear, which was clearly his hope (okay, maybe I'm selling him down a river, but SERIOUSLY, who DOES that?), both kids just stared in confusion, like what the hell, you're not my grandpa.

I guess it's time, right? It hasn't seemed critical before now, since I'm basically with them every second of the day, but Riley will be starting school in a few weeks. I suppose that's about the time you start worrying about twisted freaks who lure children into windowless vans. I suppose we need to talk about Inappropriate Touching, and Not Talking to Strange Adults, and basically starting the process of removing, layer by layer, that innocent belief that nothing can hurt them.

Riley has always been a bit of a hesitant kid, and he's only recently started talking to random people when we're out and about. Just yesterday he asked if he could talk to our neighbor, and came running back with the breathless announcement that the guy had given him permission to look in his yard whenever Riley lost a ball over there. And my brain went: hurrrrrrrrnk. Because I don't want him to live in a world where I'm not entirely sure if I should allow that or not.

(Maybe he can just be better about not throwing shit over the fence, right?)

He loves to call out "Hi!" to passing strangers, he loves to ask the guy at Home Depot what he's using that tape measure for. I hate the idea of squashing this new outgoing side of him. Of peeling back the world he knows, where everyone is perfectly happy to interact with him and would never in a million years do him harm, and give him a glimpse of what's underneath: a murky swirl of what-ifs. How can I give him confidence and caution at the same time? How can I tell my child that there are people who might try and touch him, or worse? How can this even be a thing that is true, because my god, my god.

There's so much I'm not ready for. Lately I suddenly feel this very real sense of this age, and everything that is sweet and innocent about it, running through my fingers like water.

by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 10:54 AM
Replies (11-19):
by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 2:21 PM

stranger danger? I'm more worried about people I know!

by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 2:59 PM

Idk, taught my youngest not to talk to strangers and the next thing I knew the pre-school teacher was calling her an anti-social introvert.

by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 3:01 PM

We do a light stranger danger talk but we focus more on what is acceptable behavior in people in general, ie: good/bad touching, when it is not OK to go with someone regardless of who it is.

by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 3:24 PM

That is a really important point.

Quoting Andeigh:

we do discuss stranger danger, but I'm a big believer that you have to be more careful of "creepy uncle bob" than a random stranger.  I teach them not to let their guard down around anyone, just because you think you know/trust someone, doesn't mean you can. 

by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 3:27 PM

I think proper supervision is a lot more useful than a codeword... but I agree, that it's much more helpful to help kids reatain a strong sense of personal body ownership than freaking them out about strangers they may one day need.

One of the real dangers of getting lost in the woods is that children will hide from noises and voices when they're terrified --making them impossible to spot. Having strangers calling them and trudging by in big boots, smacking at the underbrush with sticks... how does that go over with a child who's pre-terrified of strangers?

Quoting Woodbabe:

No we don't do Stranger Danger, we do Good Touch, Bad Touch. As a parent its my job to make sure they're properly supervised at all times but I don't believe it teaching my kids that strangers are bad.

I teach them to speak to strangers....they ask the librarian for what they want, they place their own orders when we go out to eat, they speak when spoken to by other adults.

I think its far more important to have them comfortable with strangers....what if they are ever in a bad situation? Who would they ask for help from?

There's teaching personal safety and then there's taking it too far by turning everyone else into a bad guy. I just don't see that as healthy.

Code words are much more effective at keeping kids safe from those they don't know.

by on Aug. 16, 2011 at 4:00 PM

We discuss people we do not know as strangers, they know not to go near people they don't know.  Sometimes strangers are angels, my 3 year old escaped out of the house early one morning 5:30am and a neighbor brought her back, thank God.  The whole house was asleep.

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:19 AM

 My kids are too young but as soon they can grasp the concept we will...

by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 3:49 PM

My children do not know strangers, they talk to everyone; it makes me a bit nervous. I am teaching them to not talk to adults unless we are with them, or if they are lost. 

by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 3:51 PM

my son knows all about it... and at karate they tought him what to do and how to get loose if someone grabs him..

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