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I need some advice ladies!!

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:40 PM
  • 10 Replies
Ok this is not about me but my husbands cousin. His female cousin that im very close to just signed papers for her divorce. That the guy wanted. They have a 6 month old together. She is so upset because she wants to fight for her marriage but it's all filed and soon to be final. Y husband works with him and hears alot of things. It has something to do with another women and they work with her. A guy told my husband that he was divorcing her for this other women that he might have a chance with. He may or may not have had an affair. She is so hurt. Like honestly i cant tell you how many times I said i wish my husband treated me the way he treat her. So this is all a huge surprise. He treated her like gold. Obviously he was a fake. So I keep telling her everything my husband hears because i would want to know. However i feel like she just needs a shoulder and some good advice. Ive never been in her situation. Anyone have any words of advice I could give her? She really needs some strength right now for her and her son. (not to mention everytime she picks her son up from the dad he is never there, even when she picks him up early)
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by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
splatz
by Sarah on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:43 PM
If he was willing to leave her and their child for another woman he was never worth keeping around!

Being a single mama is super hard. But it sounds like what's best in this situation!
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Kristin42010
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:07 PM
I don't think she wants to keep him now but she is still having a hard time coping with it all.
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LindaClement
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:54 PM

You might like to think you'd like to know, but I ask you to investigate how people feel about the tabloids that report on their personal relationships.

Is it kind, do you think, relaying 'information' you've heard 3rd hand to someone who's already pretty miserable about what 'might' have happened, and her life choices to date? If you're unsure what the answer might be, think of it this way:

Does she feel better about herself and her life after you tell her than she does before?

She might need some advice... but it's probably more about 'how to thrive in spite of difficult situations' rather than further evidence that 'your taste in men is really poor.'

Kristin42010
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:12 PM
I don't consider what my husband sees between the two as third person. Tabloids are someone that has mo clue what the situation is. They just report what they think. As a female i don't tell her what to think or how to feel but like i said words of strength. It may make her feel like crap but if she knew that me and my husband knew these things as family and did not tell her truth or not as a sign of betraylal. Especially since my husband thinks of her as a sister. I'm bot giving her my opinion on anything. Like I said she needs advice and words of strength. It may hurt her but its best she knows what is going on behind her back.
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Pammi86
by Pamela on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:44 PM

If the marriage is worth saving then it is def worth a try! But thats the fact, is it worth it! If her husband is not fully commited then I believe the answer would be no. He might change his mind in the future but I am a strong believer in you make your bed now you lay in it! Bascially I think she needs to focus on her son and herself. Being without him is what might be best. And sadly there will prob come a time when he will come crawling back when he realizes the grass isn't always greener on the other side! But if he is not here now, then he doesn't deserve the right to be there later. Be there for her and help her through it. I know telling her everything seems like the right thing but at this point she needs to start healing and move forward and by going over and over it all again she is just stuck there. Encourage her to move on and let her know she can and will do better! At least she has her son and maybe thats why God brought them together! Good luck to her and I hope everything works out for her.

LindaClement
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:57 PM

How is that best for her? How is 'it may hurt her' ever kindly followed by a 'but' that dismisses her pain as if it doesn't matter?

It doesn't matter, to the person on the receiving end of the rumour mill, how many ears it went through. If you didn't see the dude do 'whatever' he's supposed to have done, it's not your news to share. Sharing someone else's speculation about something they also didn't see is not better.

Quoting Kristin42010:

I don't consider what my husband sees between the two as third person. Tabloids are someone that has mo clue what the situation is. They just report what they think. As a female i don't tell her what to think or how to feel but like i said words of strength. It may make her feel like crap but if she knew that me and my husband knew these things as family and did not tell her truth or not as a sign of betraylal. Especially since my husband thinks of her as a sister. I'm bot giving her my opinion on anything. Like I said she needs advice and words of strength. It may hurt her but its best she knows what is going on behind her back.

Imagine it from this perspective: you've just had a horrible fight with your partner, who leaves. Next you find out that he (or she, I don't judge) is never coming back. Tragic. Shocking. You're filled with grief, questions, self-doubt and anger.

Now, someone who you think you can trust comes along and says 'oh, didn't you know he's gay? My sister works with a friend of his... apparently there's another guy...' 

Do you think you 'need' to know the additional information? Right now? From this person? Life isn't hard enough, right now?

Does that seriously say 'supportive' in your mind?

LindaClement
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 12:27 AM

Fully committed is a process, not a single-point decision. The only way to find out if a marriage is worth saving is by keeping it long enough to discover it. They change over time, as do the people in them. You can only find out from the other end...

I'm of a much more forgiving mind... sometimes people get confused, make mistakes, or their self-esteem causes them to take out their self-loathing on themselves (with a lot of fallout on other people.) It is possible to get through that kind of thing, and end up older and wiser and contrite... and forgiven. And still loved. And perhaps even more loveable than one's ever expected. It is what I hope will be done for me.

There is no way to know which of the folks will be a-one jerks forever and which will figure out 'that didn't get me where I want to go' and never do it again.

Being unable to see the future, the only thing possible is to jump in with both feet and hope for the best. Well, or hang back and hope someone will deliver a guarantee some time before we all die.

Quoting Pammi86:

If the marriage is worth saving then it is def worth a try! But thats the fact, is it worth it! If her husband is not fully commited then I believe the answer would be no. He might change his mind in the future but I am a strong believer in you make your bed now you lay in it! Bascially I think she needs to focus on her son and herself. Being without him is what might be best. And sadly there will prob come a time when he will come crawling back when he realizes the grass isn't always greener on the other side! But if he is not here now, then he doesn't deserve the right to be there later. Be there for her and help her through it. I know telling her everything seems like the right thing but at this point she needs to start healing and move forward and by going over and over it all again she is just stuck there. Encourage her to move on and let her know she can and will do better! At least she has her son and maybe thats why God brought them together! Good luck to her and I hope everything works out for her.


Kristin42010
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 9:02 AM
Thank you. I completely agree with you make your bed you sleep in it. No other women is am accident. The only reason I have said anything to her is because she already assumed it was going on. She asked me to tell her what he heard. So she knows it isn't coming straight from my husband. I told her she has to sort threw what she thinks is the truth and what isn't. They had been married for almost 3 yrs so this completely blind sided her. Either way this post was words for me to give to her. Not to have what I say to her judged. She asked me to do something I've done it. This post is for kind words that can help me talk to her and cope with it. We live in the same subdivision we are the same age and she feels super close to me. So even though i don't know how it feels i know others do. I care very much about her feelings and her son. I don't disregard them. If I didn't care i would just down him and bad mouth him. Right now she needs a shoulder.


Quoting Pammi86:

If the marriage is worth saving then it is def worth a try! But thats the fact, is it worth it! If her husband is not fully commited then I believe the answer would be no. He might change his mind in the future but I am a strong believer in you make your bed now you lay in it! Bascially I think she needs to focus on her son and herself. Being without him is what might be best. And sadly there will prob come a time when he will come crawling back when he realizes the grass isn't always greener on the other side! But if he is not here now, then he doesn't deserve the right to be there later. Be there for her and help her through it. I know telling her everything seems like the right thing but at this point she needs to start healing and move forward and by going over and over it all again she is just stuck there. Encourage her to move on and let her know she can and will do better! At least she has her son and maybe thats why God brought them together! Good luck to her and I hope everything works out for her.


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Ricanmami1
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 12:03 PM

well say i know your sad right know & love him & want this relationship to work but you deserve better then the way he is treating you & you will move on & find someone who loves you & cares for you the way you need to be treated watch goodluck mama 

usmclife58
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 3:19 PM

I think you should probably stop telling her stuff that is going on. How bad would it suck to have a knife in your heart, only to have it twisted by a friend with hurtful comments. Ugh.

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