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 Over the weekend I went to coffee with a couple friends and the topic of discipline came up. I spank, always have. But my friend doesn't.

I am at a turning point with my 3 yo dd and it is very frustrating. She is defiant, does what she wants, screams, fights, yells.... she is over all a giant pain in the butt!! And spanking her doesn't seem to make any sort of difference. So I started to pick my friends brain -how do you NOT spank?? How can you fight the frustration and anger?? What are the alternatives. (I'm not stupid, I know about time outs and stuff... just wanted more ideas).

Anyways, we are going on day 4 without spanking and I seem to have a more compliant dd. We are still having issues, but are finding common ground and I don't feel like I have to spank my daughter every 5 minutes!

So what do you do?? How do you discipline your child and do you think it's effective?

M2mMelissa

by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 9:54 AM
Replies (21-29):
USAFamily
by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 3:21 PM

 This is a huge reasoning for me to stop. I can't teach her to keep her hands to herself, and that it's never ok to lay your hands on someone, when I hit her everytime she does something wrong.

Quoting goddess99:

I agree

Quoting BeachMama05:

 absolulty not.

how can you teach a child not to hit when your hitting them?

and how can you physically hurt someone you love so much?

 


 

USAFamily
by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 3:25 PM

 I've been taking toys from her room and putting them in the garage until she can earn them back by acting appropriately. I also have had to stop, and take a breath, and address her in a different tone. I am a yeller. I get mad, and she does not respond to that. She responds better if she can tell I am disappointed, and tell her in her language what she did wrong. 'I am very sad that you made the choice to __________. It's important that we are kind and respectful, and when you did_____________ you were not.'

I am totally changing my philosophy because I need to find something that works.

Quoting Bob192:

I'm curious to what you have been doing for the 4 days of no spanking.  You said she is doing better.

 

BeachMama05
by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 4:26 PM

 clapping good for you mama :)

Quoting USAFamily:

 This is a huge reasoning for me to stop. I can't teach her to keep her hands to herself, and that it's never ok to lay your hands on someone, when I hit her everytime she does something wrong.

Quoting goddess99:

I agree

Quoting BeachMama05:

 absolulty not.

how can you teach a child not to hit when your hitting them?

and how can you physically hurt someone you love so much?

 


 

 

jltplk25
by Gold Member on Sep. 20, 2011 at 4:37 PM
1 mom liked this

If you're going to look at a parenting book, check out 'Nurture Shock'. I'm DYING to get my hands on this book. Lol. I think kids need boundaries and structure....they thrive well in a well-balanced environment. To say "Oh well little Johnny doesn't need rules, it'll limit his creativity" is preposterous at best.

Our generation has been told 'yes' to the point that we expect everything to be handed to us. You didn't get first, second, or third place in the contest? Well have no fear, here's a ribbon. Now you can feel good about absolutely nothing! *insert cheesy grin and thumbs up* Lol.

USAFamily
by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 4:46 PM

 

Quoting jltplk25:

If you're going to look at a parenting book, check out 'Nurture Shock'. I'm DYING to get my hands on this book. Lol. I think kids need boundaries and structure....they thrive well in a well-balanced environment. To say "Oh well little Johnny doesn't need rules, it'll limit his creativity" is preposterous at best.

Our generation has been told 'yes' to the point that we expect everything to be handed to us. You didn't get first, second, or third place in the contest? Well have no fear, here's a ribbon. Now you can feel good about absolutely nothing! *insert cheesy grin and thumbs up* Lol.

 I totally agree!!

LindaClement
by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 5:31 PM

I will quite happily exclude my kids from that 'generation' --but also me, in case they mean the one before them.

My kids work hard, and they both volunteer. They have a lot of fun in their lives, and they never ask me for money for anything. They're supporting themselves. It doesn't stop me from offering them things (took 2litres of juice to the youngest's house yesterday, 'cause it was on sale and it's heavy and she doesn't have a car, and I was going there anyhow...and it was $2.)

My parents are extraordinarily generous. But as a kid, we were poor, so I didn't grow up with any sense of 'getting' anything I wanted because I wanted it. Quite the opposite --I have very limited desires, because I am quite content in my life, there are few things I would take if offered. I'm good with what I have.

I spend a lot of time with my jaw on my desk, staring at posts by people who claim to be 'poor' on a scale I have never been so weathy at --little kids with Wiis and Xboxes, multiple cars, family vacations that involve hotels and airlines, kids' birthday parties that make my wedding look meek and frugal (which it was, but really!) The price of a Wii game alone without even the system to play it on is outside our gift budget --birthdays and Christmas. Still.

My goal, as a parent, was to have my kids live in an environment where the answer was mostly 'yes.' Not 'to anything' but to most of the the options they could see. Since I didn't want them drinking when they were 8, we rarely drank around them. Since I didn't think they needed a new toy monthly, much less weekly, we didn't 'hang out' at the mall or toy stores, or anywhere that sold toys. We never went into the toy aisles at the grocery store because 'we don't need anything down there.' For years, the only channels available to the kids on the program crawl were those that did not show endless commercials for crappy foods and expensive toys. Those choices were not accidental.

So, my kids grew up knowing that we could, yes, probably go to the playground anytime they asked, and probably go home as soon as they wanted to... as well.

Since they didn't go to school, and we did not ever tell them about competitive sports until they were past 11, they never experienced the 'here's a ribbon' version of connection-free, relationship-vacuum 'praise' for being alive. We mostly played non-competitive games (Family Passtimes makes dozens of them, and lots of them are great!), and since I'm an umpire because I dislike competition (and how few people can genuinely handle it), all the games that were competitive were played with rules that we felt free to change at any moment, and even sometimes applied differently to different kids...

I wanted them to know that, for the most part, they could get what they needed and that we were on their side. Not that they were perfect or entitled to anything other than their own mortality, just that we had their backs.

Quoting jltplk25:

If you're going to look at a parenting book, check out 'Nurture Shock'. I'm DYING to get my hands on this book. Lol. I think kids need boundaries and structure....they thrive well in a well-balanced environment. To say "Oh well little Johnny doesn't need rules, it'll limit his creativity" is preposterous at best.

Our generation has been told 'yes' to the point that we expect everything to be handed to us. You didn't get first, second, or third place in the contest? Well have no fear, here's a ribbon. Now you can feel good about absolutely nothing! *insert cheesy grin and thumbs up* Lol.


jltplk25
by Gold Member on Sep. 20, 2011 at 6:20 PM
Apparently my generation is from 1981-2001. I can also exclude myself from the idea that we all act like we are entitled.

I can also that my generosity has absolutely nothing to do with my parents. We were poor but I never did without. Actually I would have probably enjoyed having you as a mom but then I probably wouldn't be the same person.

I was told growing up that I looked like an orphan, that I could never make it on my own. Kids stopped asking me over to their houses bc they knew my mom would say no. I wasn't allowed to join the basketball team but I could do cheerleading. I was too irresponsible for band, I was called 'gay' bc I wanted to dump my boyfriend and I've been called a slut bc I kissed my now husband the second night we were together.

As you can see, my upbringing wasn't the most ideal. But for the worst of it I did learn to not hang my feelings on another person. My parents loved me, they just had a shitty way of showing it. I can say with all my being that I am NOT raising my kids the same way. I want them to feel safe, secure, confident, and happy. I don't want them scared to live. However I will have boundaries and expectations not bc I want to control them but bc I love them and want what is best.


Quoting LindaClement:

I will quite happily exclude my kids from that 'generation' --but also me, in case they mean the one before them.

My kids work hard, and they both volunteer. They have a lot of fun in their lives, and they never ask me for money for anything. They're supporting themselves. It doesn't stop me from offering them things (took 2litres of juice to the youngest's house yesterday, 'cause it was on sale and it's heavy and she doesn't have a car, and I was going there anyhow...and it was $2.)

My parents are extraordinarily generous. But as a kid, we were poor, so I didn't grow up with any sense of 'getting' anything I wanted because I wanted it. Quite the opposite --I have very limited desires, because I am quite content in my life, there are few things I would take if offered. I'm good with what I have.

I spend a lot of time with my jaw on my desk, staring at posts by people who claim to be 'poor' on a scale I have never been so weathy at --little kids with Wiis and Xboxes, multiple cars, family vacations that involve hotels and airlines, kids' birthday parties that make my wedding look meek and frugal (which it was, but really!) The price of a Wii game alone without even the system to play it on is outside our gift budget --birthdays and Christmas. Still.

My goal, as a parent, was to have my kids live in an environment where the answer was mostly 'yes.' Not 'to anything' but to most of the the options they could see. Since I didn't want them drinking when they were 8, we rarely drank around them. Since I didn't think they needed a new toy monthly, much less weekly, we didn't 'hang out' at the mall or toy stores, or anywhere that sold toys. We never went into the toy aisles at the grocery store because 'we don't need anything down there.' For years, the only channels available to the kids on the program crawl were those that did not show endless commercials for crappy foods and expensive toys. Those choices were not accidental.

So, my kids grew up knowing that we could, yes, probably go to the playground anytime they asked, and probably go home as soon as they wanted to... as well.

Since they didn't go to school, and we did not ever tell them about competitive sports until they were past 11, they never experienced the 'here's a ribbon' version of connection-free, relationship-vacuum 'praise' for being alive. We mostly played non-competitive games (Family Passtimes makes dozens of them, and lots of them are great!), and since I'm an umpire because I dislike competition (and how few people can genuinely handle it), all the games that were competitive were played with rules that we felt free to change at any moment, and even sometimes applied differently to different kids...

I wanted them to know that, for the most part, they could get what they needed and that we were on their side. Not that they were perfect or entitled to anything other than their own mortality, just that we had their backs.


Quoting jltplk25:

If you're going to look at a parenting book, check out 'Nurture Shock'. I'm DYING to get my hands on this book. Lol. I think kids need boundaries and structure....they thrive well in a well-balanced environment. To say "Oh well little Johnny doesn't need rules, it'll limit his creativity" is preposterous at best.


Our generation has been told 'yes' to the point that we expect everything to be handed to us. You didn't get first, second, or third place in the contest? Well have no fear, here's a ribbon. Now you can feel good about absolutely nothing! *insert cheesy grin and thumbs up* Lol.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Andeigh
by on Sep. 20, 2011 at 7:41 PM
No way, I do not spank. We utilize timeouts, grounding from prized possesions (computer, wii, etc, and hard manual labor. :)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
LindaClement
by on Sep. 21, 2011 at 10:30 AM

Sounds like the stuff of movies! Give your inner child a hug from me... what a trial!

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that any child is ever treated so harshly, and it's delightful to see that you've learned your way out of repeating it!

Quoting jltplk25:

Apparently my generation is from 1981-2001. I can also exclude myself from the idea that we all act like we are entitled.

I can also that my generosity has absolutely nothing to do with my parents. We were poor but I never did without. Actually I would have probably enjoyed having you as a mom but then I probably wouldn't be the same person.

I was told growing up that I looked like an orphan, that I could never make it on my own. Kids stopped asking me over to their houses bc they knew my mom would say no. I wasn't allowed to join the basketball team but I could do cheerleading. I was too irresponsible for band, I was called 'gay' bc I wanted to dump my boyfriend and I've been called a slut bc I kissed my now husband the second night we were together.

As you can see, my upbringing wasn't the most ideal. But for the worst of it I did learn to not hang my feelings on another person. My parents loved me, they just had a shitty way of showing it. I can say with all my being that I am NOT raising my kids the same way. I want them to feel safe, secure, confident, and happy. I don't want them scared to live. However I will have boundaries and expectations not bc I want to control them but bc I love them and want what is best.


Quoting LindaClement:

I will quite happily exclude my kids from that 'generation' --but also me, in case they mean the one before them.

My kids work hard, and they both volunteer. They have a lot of fun in their lives, and they never ask me for money for anything. They're supporting themselves. It doesn't stop me from offering them things (took 2litres of juice to the youngest's house yesterday, 'cause it was on sale and it's heavy and she doesn't have a car, and I was going there anyhow...and it was $2.)

My parents are extraordinarily generous. But as a kid, we were poor, so I didn't grow up with any sense of 'getting' anything I wanted because I wanted it. Quite the opposite --I have very limited desires, because I am quite content in my life, there are few things I would take if offered. I'm good with what I have.

I spend a lot of time with my jaw on my desk, staring at posts by people who claim to be 'poor' on a scale I have never been so weathy at --little kids with Wiis and Xboxes, multiple cars, family vacations that involve hotels and airlines, kids' birthday parties that make my wedding look meek and frugal (which it was, but really!) The price of a Wii game alone without even the system to play it on is outside our gift budget --birthdays and Christmas. Still.

My goal, as a parent, was to have my kids live in an environment where the answer was mostly 'yes.' Not 'to anything' but to most of the the options they could see. Since I didn't want them drinking when they were 8, we rarely drank around them. Since I didn't think they needed a new toy monthly, much less weekly, we didn't 'hang out' at the mall or toy stores, or anywhere that sold toys. We never went into the toy aisles at the grocery store because 'we don't need anything down there.' For years, the only channels available to the kids on the program crawl were those that did not show endless commercials for crappy foods and expensive toys. Those choices were not accidental.

So, my kids grew up knowing that we could, yes, probably go to the playground anytime they asked, and probably go home as soon as they wanted to... as well.

Since they didn't go to school, and we did not ever tell them about competitive sports until they were past 11, they never experienced the 'here's a ribbon' version of connection-free, relationship-vacuum 'praise' for being alive. We mostly played non-competitive games (Family Passtimes makes dozens of them, and lots of them are great!), and since I'm an umpire because I dislike competition (and how few people can genuinely handle it), all the games that were competitive were played with rules that we felt free to change at any moment, and even sometimes applied differently to different kids...

I wanted them to know that, for the most part, they could get what they needed and that we were on their side. Not that they were perfect or entitled to anything other than their own mortality, just that we had their backs.


Quoting jltplk25:

If you're going to look at a parenting book, check out 'Nurture Shock'. I'm DYING to get my hands on this book. Lol. I think kids need boundaries and structure....they thrive well in a well-balanced environment. To say "Oh well little Johnny doesn't need rules, it'll limit his creativity" is preposterous at best.


Our generation has been told 'yes' to the point that we expect everything to be handed to us. You didn't get first, second, or third place in the contest? Well have no fear, here's a ribbon. Now you can feel good about absolutely nothing! *insert cheesy grin and thumbs up* Lol.




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